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Post Here and I Will Assign You an Object in My Office

post #1 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:03pm
Thread Starter 
I am guaranteeing that these "assignment" threads will be tired and worn by starting my own.

Yeah, I ripped this off a comment Do/an made at the end of his last aborted assignment thread, but at least I pledge to finish mine!
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post #2 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:03pm
Hit me
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post #3 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:05pm
Today I feel like a credenza, but you tell me.
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post #4 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:07pm
I've always wanted to be a paper clip. Make my dream come true.
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post #5 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:10pm
Thread Starter 
You're easy, L7. I drink water each day from an oversized plastic cup bearing a depiction of PNC Park and the logo of the local underachieving ballclub. Combine that with the coincidence that you share a name with a certain former #30-wearing, strikeout-prone first baseman, and...

You are a plastic Pittsburgh Pirates cup.
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post #6 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:12pm
Upping my post count by one.
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post #7 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:13pm
Thread Starter 
Sorry, Rob. No credenza proper. Just metal file cabinets.

Still, it's not my place to destroy a man's dream of being furniture, so...

You're my brown, high-backed reclining desk chair.
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post #8 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:15pm
Please let me be a Swingline stapler, please let me be a Swingline stapler...
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post #9 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:16pm
Thread Starter 
Parker, I'll do better than that:

A blue Universal brand desk highlighter. Oh, sure, people think yellow when you're shopping highlighters. But what do you do when you're writing/reading on yellow paper?

The blue highlighter is an exalted utensil.
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post #10 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:17pm
Letter opener still available? Can't find mine.
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post #11 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:23pm
Mini display model of the General Lee?
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post #12 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:27pm
hit me. I want to be toner. I'm not currently toned enough.
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post #13 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:31pm
Other than the 12 Month Topless Pat Morita wall calendar, what am I?
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post #14 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:38pm
Thread Starter 
Well, I'll take requests whenever I can.

gravedigger: solid, if unspectacular choice. Black slimline stapler with faux wood trim on top and sides. Stapling mechanism is jerky and unpleasant, though, so I will be abandoning this unit for an upgrade the next time a just-vacated office makes a replacement available.

g. joe: nice choice. My letter opener is actually a broadsword with a gold handle and silver blade. The Cadillac of letter openers. Purchased at a Renaissance Faire back in '98 before the weight of opinion seemed to turn against such things.

Fett: I have no Dodge Charger model. You deserve much better, anyway.
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post #15 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:44pm
Does that mean I have no object?
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post #16 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:44pm
Thread Starter 
Toner, Sammy? You think I am stationed at a printer?

To punish your impudence, I assign you the plastic fork sticking prongs-up out of my pen holder. Sometimes I use it to eat a salad at my desk. Sometimes I just stare at it, concentrating all of my frustrations on its disposable simplicity.

As you can see, I'll be going out of order.
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post #17 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:45pm
Laughing out loud is way overrated.
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post #18 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:46pm
I guess only important people have a printer? Anyway, I'm fine being a disposable utensil, but I think you should really consider a spork. It's just more practical.
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post #19 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:47pm
Thread Starter 
Captain Scott, you love your kids, so you get the other pen holder, a glass jar with colored tongue depressers glued to it. Cotton balls and letters spelling "Daddy" are also glued to it. My oldest daughter made it for me a couple of years ago.

Patience, Charles.
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post #20 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:51pm
I like attention.
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post #21 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:51pm
Thread Starter 
Very funny, Burke. In response, you get fascinating reading:

The 2004 Bankruptcy Code and Rules. Two volumes of laughing out loud!
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post #22 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:55pm
Thread Starter 
Khitch, I said I'll take requests, so you get my naked Morita cal--

Uh, I mean you get the CPU of my computer. You're the straw that stirs the drink. The processor. The thing that makes it all work. And, I'm pretty sure my CPU's not of American origin!

I do hope you'll take that all as the compliment it is intended to be.
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post #23 of 43
1/9/04 at 1:57pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Russell Lucas
Captain Scott, you love your kids, so you get the other pen holder, a glass jar with colored tongue depressers glued to it. Cotton balls and letters spelling "Daddy" are also glued to it. My oldest daughter made it for me a couple of years ago.
Now that's sweet!
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post #24 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:04pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Russell Lucas
Very funny, Burke. In response, you get fascinating reading:

The 2004 Bankruptcy Code and Rules. Two volumes of laughing out loud!
Um... that belongs to Seahawk. What do I really get?
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post #25 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:11pm
Thread Starter 
No, Sammy. Proximity to toner is no indicia of success by any standard. Not a counter-indicator, either.

Charles, I've had this brown briefcase for about four years. Flap folds over. Shoulder strap broken. One of the latches broken. It's not the years, it's the mileage!

It's been everywhere. Really. I drag it home every night. It's a familiar object. I'll be sad to see it go when I replace it.

You're the briefcase. Well, except you're not broken or about-to-be-replaced.

These compliments aren't meant to seem so back-handed.
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post #26 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:26pm
Thread Starter 
OK, Burke, you can have Black's Law Dictionary instead. Name embossed on cover. Gift from aunt. Very high sentimental value.
Or, if you choose, you can be the page-a-day calendar I bought just yesterday for 50% off which features color reproductions of the woodcuts from Luther's Bible of 1538. It's up to you.

Dre, you get my window. Nice view of the Monongahela River and Mount Washington from the 14th Floor, and a couple of other office buildings. The window itself has apparently just one pane of glass, which shudders in the face of stiff winds. The building is over a hundred years old, so there are brass handles on the bottom of the window where the handlebar-moustached presumably could raise it to get some air in the days before aire-conditioning. It's no longer openable.

In short, the doorway to the rest of the bright world.
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post #27 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:30pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Russell Lucas
Khitch, I said I'll take requests, so you get my naked Morita cal--

Uh, I mean you get the CPU of my computer. You're the straw that stirs the drink. The processor. The thing that makes it all work. And, I'm pretty sure my CPU's not of American origin!

I do hope you'll take that all as the compliment it is intended to be.
Goddamn, that's a huge responsiblity. But I'd be honored to be your CPU, R-Lu. I only hope this processor can continue to stir the drink, and not be a bane to anyone's existence.
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post #28 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:31pm
Thread Starter 
Now that I've caught up, just tell me...

If my thread is as lame and non-diverting as the other threads of this ilk to spout up in the past hour, then I will fold, staple and mutilate it in the most efficient way possible. I will delete every part of it that I can. Just tell me.

That is my pledge to you.
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post #29 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:31pm
Is Russell Lucas an object in the office? Because I totally wanna be Russell Lucas... in that really creepy kinda way.
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post #30 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:41pm
Thread Starter 
Only if you're sure, Dan. I'll give up myself, but I had earmarked my keychain, a full-body, enamel-painted Flash, for the Wiskerando portion. Or my greenish stone-of-indeterminate-origin cut-in-quarter bookends. Or my hardcover copy of "The Appraisal of Real Estate." Or the office door.

I was pondering a couple of alternatives.
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post #31 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:46pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Russell Lucas
Now that I've caught up, just tell me...

If my thread is as lame and non-diverting as the other threads of this ilk to spout up in the past hour, then I will fold, staple and mutilate it in the most efficient way possible. I will delete every part of it that I can. Just tell me.

That is my pledge to you.
This thread rocks!
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post #32 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:48pm
Do me.
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post #33 of 43
1/9/04 at 2:58pm
Thread Starter 
I've been waiting for you to arrive, flyers. In the middle drawer of my desk I've got a photocopy of a page from a newspaper (the Courier-Express, serving Jefferson and Clearfield Counties, Pennsy) from April, 1997. Headline is "Lemieux Not Done Yet," and it recounts the Penguins' win to stave off elimination at the hands of your team and preserving Mario's career for one more game before Retirement I (they would lose the next game in Philly). Mario got fed on a breakaway which he put top-shelf over Garth Snow to seal the game with a minute to go. The crowd loved it, thinking for sure it would be the last time he'd ever play in Pittsburgh. He took a victory lap, sans helmet and gloves, and waved to the crowd. In the AP Photo accompanying the story, you can see Mario from the back, waving. Five rows up, you can see me standing and clapping.


You get that.

Or, you can have my dingy, well-used, two-button, no scrolling wheel mouse.
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post #34 of 43
1/9/04 at 6:10pm
What do I get to be?
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post #35 of 43
1/9/04 at 6:16pm
Recap the decap for me.
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post #36 of 43
1/9/04 at 6:35pm
Thread Starter 
billzaebub, riffing on your suggestion, you're the maroon-colored coffee cup. Emblazoned with the IUP logo. Washed at least once every two months. Filled at least three times every morning.

Teddy, you're the solar calculator. Thin, modern, stylish. Advertising LexisNexis. Still too new; needs its buttons to be worn in.
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post #37 of 43
1/9/04 at 6:54pm
Hit me.
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post #38 of 43
1/9/04 at 6:57pm
Morbid curiosity...
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post #39 of 43
1/9/04 at 7:10pm
Thread Starter 
Rath, to inspire you to pull those grades up, you're my framed diploma hanging on the wall. Script letters, classy gold frame. Issued from an educational institution nowhere near as prestigious as the New Yawk University.


Slater, the Philips Executive Pocket Memo 494 sits on my desk. I speak into it and the words come out like magic after another human transcribes them. It's a wonderful invention, its splendor only slightly tarnished by the fact that voice actualization technology will someday render this step superfluous. You are that dictaphone.
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post #40 of 43
1/9/04 at 7:15pm
Thread Starter 
I work in neither a high-class bathroom nor a low-class gas station.

You are the paintbrush protruding from my pen holder. I don't know how, when or why in the last half-dozen years I picked up a paintbrush. I've never used it here, and can't imagine I ever will.

Should I throw it away?
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post #41 of 43
1/9/04 at 8:18pm
Oh, this is too delicious to pass-up.
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post #42 of 43
1/9/04 at 9:09pm
Hook me up with something!
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post #43 of 43
1/10/04 at 12:07am
Assign me!!!
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