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I've got a crop circle.

post #1 of 40
3/26/04 at 2:47am
Thread Starter 
So I go to the barber on Sunday for my monthly trimming of the mange, and it's pretty uneventful. She's a fat girl like every other scissor jockey on the planet, and I hate the fact that fat girls rub their belly against you when they cut your hair, so I just zone out for most of the haircut and pretend that I'm somewhere happier. She finishes clipping, the haircut looks fine, I give her the money and a decent tip and the deal is done. Right? Wrong.

I'm laying on the couch today and my fiancee suddenly says, "What the fuck is THAT?" She's pointing at the back of my head, then she starts shaking with laughter. I go running into the bathroom, grab a little mirror, and manage to see that there's a bald patch on the back of my head the size of a baby's goddamn fist. Seriously, this thing looks like I was harpooned through the scalp. And it was obviously done with clippers rather than some sort of flesh-eating bacteria. That tubby sack of guts shaved me right down to the short hairs, so now I've got a gigantic patch of pink glowing in the middle of my skull. And I've been walking around like this for five days.

So...yeah. That's my story for today. Crop circle.
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post #2 of 40
3/26/04 at 3:22am

Re: I've got a crop circle.

Quote:
Originally posted by Slater
She's a fat girl like every other scissor jockey on the planet, and I hate the fact that fat girls rub their belly against you when they cut your hair
Most of the barbers here are pretty hot, only a few fat ones.
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post #3 of 40
3/26/04 at 3:36am
Slater, your story sounds familiar to me. I had a bad hair cut about 4 years ago, so I shaved my head and since then I've been taking it to the skin about every 3 days. 2 words and a number for you, Mach 3 Turbo - it will be your best friend.
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post #4 of 40
3/26/04 at 4:16am
Damn fat people having jobs and touching people.
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post #5 of 40
3/26/04 at 4:35am
Swing away, Slater. Swing away.
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post #6 of 40
3/26/04 at 7:00am
Pictures! I demand pictures for hilarity!
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post #7 of 40
3/26/04 at 8:52am
People break down into two groups when they experience head circles.

Group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for their hair.

Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I'm sure the people in Group number two are looking at Slater's head circle in a very suspicious way.

For them, the situation isn't fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they're on their own for a haircut.

And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people.

But there's a whole lot of people in the Group number one. When they see that head circle, they're looking at a miracle.

And deep down, they feel that whatever's going to happen, there will be mrstiffie there to help them.

And that fills them with hope.

See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees head circles, sees miracles?

Or do you believe that Slater just got lucky?

Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that fat girls shouldn't cut hair.
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post #8 of 40
3/26/04 at 11:55am
Look at it this way: the next time you shit your pants and need to carry the offending shorts down to the washing machine, you'll have something to distract your fiancee with.
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post #9 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:02pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Matt Goldberg
Pictures! I demand pictures for hilarity!
Yes, show us your bald patch.

Please use mood lighting.
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post #10 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:05pm
I'd like to see someone get a haircut
that is 'male-pattern baldness'. My
ex husband did that once. It still makes me
chuckle when I think about it.
Reply
post #11 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:24pm
Quote:
Originally posted by billylove
Yes, show us your bald patch.
AGGHHHHHHH!!! SPECIFY! SPECIFY!
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post #12 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:33pm
Thread Starter 
I found a great picture of oozing ringworm that I was about to post, but then I looked deep inside my soul and realized that was not the way.

So just picutre my head, only with less hair.
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post #13 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:37pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Slater
I found a great picture of oozing ringworm
Post it anyway.
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post #14 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:38pm
Actuallty ive never seen a fuller figured hairdresser, all the ones i know seem to be beauty and fitness therapists as well and thus are pretty cute.

In any case so what if she had a bit of extra padding ?
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post #15 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:47pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Spacktard
In any case so what if she had a bit of extra padding ?
Spoken like someone who has never experienced the horror of a fatgirl haircuit. See, when you're a tall guy and she's a dumpy little mound of flesh, the only way the fatgirl can reach your hair is to get very close. Close enough that her gut rests on your shoulder, and brushes against your arms. There's nothing more uncomfortable than being trapped in a chair for twenty minutes while someone rubs their big fat belly all over you.
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post #16 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:49pm
Weightist!
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post #17 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:54pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Slater
<snip>..... Close enough that her gut rests on your shoulder, and brushes against your arms. There's nothing more uncomfortable than being trapped in a chair for twenty minutes while someone rubs their big fat belly all over you.
You know, some men pay a high dollar
amount to experience that.

And what's the deal with fat, really? If it were
her tits nestled against your neck, would've you
complained? Or was she one of those hairstylists?

I'm not sure what I mean by that last statement
but can imagine a sect of women hairstylists that
deliberately rub themselves against their male clients..
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post #18 of 40
3/26/04 at 12:59pm
Maybe she wanted you. Wanted you to take her in the bathroom, to part her waves of flesh and impale her with your manlyness. But you denied her that fantasty to come true and thus she smote you with an artificial bald patch.

Be warned, the wrath of a fat hair stylist can be dangerous. Repent! Repent!
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post #19 of 40
3/26/04 at 1:02pm
I think she branded you, Slater.
You're her bitch now.
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post #20 of 40
3/26/04 at 1:06pm
Thread Starter 
The scarlet mark of ketchup-flavored mayonnaise blights my existence. I am a cursed man.
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post #21 of 40
3/26/04 at 1:12pm
Southern California,

Land of the sexy looking women haircutters...

They have no choice BUT to rub something ELSE against you...
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post #22 of 40
3/26/04 at 1:36pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Slater
Spoken like someone who has never experienced the horror of a fatgirl haircuit. See, when you're a tall guy and she's a dumpy little mound of flesh, the only way the fatgirl can reach your hair is to get very close. Close enough that her gut rests on your shoulder, and brushes against your arms. There's nothing more uncomfortable than being trapped in a chair for twenty minutes while someone rubs their big fat belly all over you.
Like how big was big? Like, gross big...that might be too much.

I wouldn't mind if a girl was rubbing her huge moo cow titties all over my head.

That's hot.
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post #23 of 40
3/26/04 at 2:45pm
this is why i have dudes cut my hair, you can't trust chicks with sharp objects, or to have enough drive as a barber to diet in order to achieve optimal barbering distance, but just think Slater, after you're married and stuck to the same cratch for the rest of your life, you'll cherish these little overly exaggerated feminine rub downs from the barber strange, and your head will get more and more patchy as you keep returning, and your bewildered wife will ask "Why do you keep going back to her?!?!" but you won't have an answer, just a sigh and a curiously shaped rash on your back...
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post #24 of 40
3/26/04 at 3:10pm
Slater will post pictures of his nutsack, but not his crappy haircut.
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post #25 of 40
3/26/04 at 3:25pm
That was a great thread!

Slater, doesn't the hairdresser normally hand you a mirror so you can inspect her work from the front and back? I never leave the chair until I see the damage from all sides.
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post #26 of 40
3/26/04 at 4:00pm
that's a good point, i once left Supercuts with the left side buzzed with a one, and the right side buzzed with a two...

worst barber experience? at this old timer's bubblegum rotating candy cane barber out on the Cape this old guy's wearing a short sleeved barber style dress shirt from the '40s, so the under side of the sleeves are cut short, and with his arms raised all i see and smell are his sprayed-on deoderized frosted pits, and i smelled like him all day...
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post #27 of 40
3/26/04 at 4:06pm
Best buzz cut I ever got was on an Airforce base. They had a vacuum hooked up to the clippers. No hair clippings all over the place.
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post #28 of 40
3/26/04 at 5:14pm



Without glasses/contacts, I am as blind as a Hellen Keller with a paper bag on her head. When wearing glasses, I have walked away from Supercuts with no less than 4 "now I have to get a burr" haircuts as a result of not being able to see due to glasses removal. Strangely, I still return.

Weight aside, why is it that most Supercuts workers feel they need to divulge personal information to you. Is it because they know you are a captive audience? I grip the armrests beneath my smock to keep from grabbing a pair of scissors from the counter and cutting my ears off. For the record, I don't care about your boyfriend or how he installed some kickin' new woofers in your 88' Tercel nor do I care about how you like to party. Simply put, #2 on the sides, blend it in and shut the fuck up.
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post #29 of 40
3/26/04 at 6:12pm
Sure you're not just going bald?
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post #30 of 40
3/27/04 at 1:18am
Quote:
Originally posted by sweaterbydarwin
Simply put, #2 on the sides, blend it in and shut the fuck up.
Awesome. Here, here!
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post #31 of 40
3/27/04 at 3:34pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Jim Pappas/Jabba
Two words, Slater: "Justifiable Homocide."

Any person who cuts my hair so there is something fucked up involved, dies.
...but only if they're gay?
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post #32 of 40
3/27/04 at 3:37pm
There is definitely a sect of haircutters that rub themselves against you for a better tip. And I like it.

I'm with the group that says 'cut my hair and shut the fuck up!' I give mostly one word answers to their inane questions. Why the fuck do you care what I did today? If they do insist on asking me questions I start to make shit up.

"So, do you have kids?"

"Yeah, 16. I started young."

"What do you do?"

"Astronaut!"
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post #33 of 40
3/27/04 at 4:14pm
Not only are most of the women who've cut my hair attractive (or at the very least not heffers) but my local barbershop plies me with beer before the cut. And I'm always happy with my cut the next morning.

Slater, where do you live and how cheap do you go?
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post #34 of 40
3/28/04 at 1:58am
Quote:
Slater, where do you live and how cheap do you go?
Now, it's really none of my business, but can't you guys exchange this kind of information with a bit more privacy?
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post #35 of 40
3/28/04 at 3:28am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Andre Dellamorte
Slater, where do you live and how cheap do you go?
Kansas. Snip N' Clip.
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post #36 of 40
3/28/04 at 3:36am
Quote:
Originally posted by Slater
N'
You should have known what you were getting into when the business spells "and" like shown above.
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post #37 of 40
3/29/04 at 5:43am
I kinda like getting my haircut, its nice to be fawned over by cute women. Although it kinda helps that i always get my hair shaved and they all seem to love rubbing my head afterwards for some odd reason.
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post #38 of 40
3/29/04 at 3:16pm

Re: I've got a crop circle.

Quote:
Originally posted by Slater
So I go to the barber on Sunday for my monthly trimming of the mange, and it's pretty uneventful. She's a fat girl like every other scissor jockey on the planet, and I hate the fact that fat girls rub their belly against you when they cut your hair, so I just zone out for most of the haircut and pretend that I'm somewhere happier. She finishes clipping, the haircut looks fine, I give her the money and a decent tip and the deal is done. Right? Wrong.

I'm laying on the couch today and my fiancee suddenly says, "What the fuck is THAT?" She's pointing at the back of my head, then she starts shaking with laughter. I go running into the bathroom, grab a little mirror, and manage to see that there's a bald patch on the back of my head the size of a baby's goddamn fist. Seriously, this thing looks like I was harpooned through the scalp. And it was obviously done with clippers rather than some sort of flesh-eating bacteria. That tubby sack of guts shaved me right down to the short hairs, so now I've got a gigantic patch of pink glowing in the middle of my skull. And I've been walking around like this for five days.

So...yeah. That's my story for today. Crop circle.
Really sorry to hear that Friar Slater!
Reply
post #39 of 40
3/29/04 at 8:04pm
Quote:
Originally posted by billylove
Maybe she wanted you. Wanted you to take her in the bathroom, to part her waves of flesh and impale her with your manlyness. But you denied her that fantasty to come true and thus she smote you with an artificial bald patch.

Be warned, the wrath of a fat hair stylist can be dangerous. Repent! Repent!
POST OF THE DAY!!
Reply
post #40 of 40
3/30/04 at 8:10am
Hairdressing disasters suck greatly.

For this reason, I will not obviously point and laugh at the fact that you appear to have been tonsured.
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