"Monkey" movie quote re-write

"Do not try and bend the monkey. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth."

"What truth?"

"There is no monkey."

"I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING MONKEY!"

"Oh my God. Do you know what this is? This is a monkey egg. The monkeys are breeding."

"You want a monkey? I can get you a monkey, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me." "Yeah, but Walter..." "Hell, I can get you a monkey by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail polish."

"For two years I had this uncomfortable monkey shoved up my ass. And now... I'm giving it to you."

"I forgot to tell you something very important."
"What?"
"Don't cross the monkies."
"Why?"
"It would be bad."
"I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing, what'dya mean, bad?"
"Try to imagine all like as you know it stopping instantaenously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light."
"*gasp* Total Chimptonic Reversal!"
"Right, ok, important monkey tip, thanks, Egon."

"Ray, the next time someone asks if you are a Monkey, you.. say.. YES!"

"Eternity...here...in that wrinkling sagging MONKEY suit. Or one more day with me."

"We named the monkey Monkey."

We really shook the monkey of heaven, didn't we, Wang?

Hey, Padre, when I was kicking your ass back there, did you get a little monkey?

"We have such monkies to show you."

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world monkies didn't exist."

"The monkey...you opened it....we came."

All right. Monkey, monkey, monkey! Come on in monkey lovers. All monkey must go. At the Titty Twister we're slashing monkey in half! This is a monkey blow-out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of monkey! We got white monkey, black monkey, Spanish monkey, yellow monkey, hot monkey, cold monkey, wet monkey, tight monkey, big monkey, bloody monkey, fat monkey, hairy monkey, smelly monkey, velvet monkey, silk monkey, Naugahyde monkey, snappin' monkey, horse monkey, dog monkey, mule monkey, fake monkey! If we don't have it, you don't want it!

You win.

Yay!

monkey.

It just never gets old.

this shit was funny, I remember when shit was funny on chud.

"Funny" is something this corner of the world hasn't had in a while.

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian t'Leyte, we'd just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first MONKEY for about a half hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, MONKEYS come cruisin', so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the squares in the old calendars like the Battle o' Waterloo and the idea was the MONKEY come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that MONKEY he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that MONKEY looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a MONKEY is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those MONKEYS come in and... they rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many MONKEYS, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boson's mate. I thought he was asleep, Reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol' fat PBY come down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. Three hundred and sixteen men come out, the MONKEYS took the rest, June the twenty-ninth, nineteen-forty five. Anyway, we delivered the ORANGUTAN.