Post here and I will assign you a Power Animal

In the good-natured spirit of the wildly successful Compliments Thread, I present another interactive message board opportunity. Sign up here and I will peer into your heart chakra and assign you your Power Animal.

Slide.

Bitch, please. It's been a bountiful night and I'll get to this in the morning/afternoon. As of now there are other needs to attend to. By the way, you just got a much worse power animal.

monkeycupcakes: Before meditating, I had assumed that your PA would be a member of the primate family. I was way off. In fact, you draw power from the twin humps of the dromedary camel. Like your PA, you can retain obscene amounts of water and traverse harsh desert terrain with ease.

Whitey: Some sort of mollusk, perhaps a snail? It wasn't very clear.

Swykk: You have a deep connection to the noble moose. Like the mammal, you are prized for your antlers, which may or may not hold the secrets to ending the menace of cancer. Additionally, you can often be found wandering aimlessly through residential areas early in the morning, rooting around in garbage and causing a general ruckus.

Ali Mohamed: It's a monkey...kind of. Your Power Animal is the marmoset. You eat lizards, flowers and fucking scumbag spiders and wash it down with tree sap. I would imagine that you also are the proud owner of an ungodly shrill mating call that would shatter even the hardiest window.

Momotaro: You find spiritual fellowship with the tapir. So you've got kind of an aardvark/hippopotamus hybrid thing going on...which is incredible. It's like a real-life Wuzzle. Your animal is meaner than piss and eats abandoned automobiles and airplane wreckage.

Mayhem: Manta ray. Graceful, sleek and mysterious, your power animal is the warrior poet of the oceans, but has a big heart. We know this because Manta rays allow curious divers to hitch rides on their big mouth-prong thingies. Just like you.

Kronos: Your animal is the sugar glider. You and your animal share an intense passion for both sugar and gliding. Additionally, being a marsupial, you are afforded a stylish pouch which can be used to conveniently store illegal substances, trading cards, or children.

Agent Helix: Say hello to your little friend; the elephant shrew. Unlike Shakespeare's shrew, you are not easily tamed. However, you are easily eaten by hundreds of thousands of predators that find you to be delicious and Atkins-friendly.

Malachi: During cold nights in your heart chakra cave, you are kept warm by the companionship of the gila monster. Your PA lacks an anus and is infamous for its poisonous bite; however, he's not so bad once you get to know him. Your day-glo colors make you a hit at parties.

Diva: You may like monkeys, but you should start acquainting yourself with the wombat. Your PA is cuddly and boasts an exceptionally strong skull, which comes in handy when your head is being mauled by blunt objects and/or bears. Diva and the wombat also share a burning passion for burrowing intricate, Viet Cong-esque tunnels. Oh yeah -- you get the pouch, too.

It's not a "monkey". It's a marmoset, man.

izzim: Ring-tailed lemur. Unlike non-ring-tailed-lemurs, your tail has rings. For this you are grateful, as your attractive markings are an effective ally in the pursuit of bipedal, canopy-dwelling puntang. Your natural confidence sometimes bubbles over into sheer braggadocio when you gloat to ringless lemurs using lines like "Hey Plain Jane, you're vanilla and I'm Double Fudge Swirl" whilst arrogantly twirling your tail in one hand. You are also equipped with night-vision, which comes in handy during nocturnal raids on the local tribesmen and also during heated Splinter Cell sessions.

UGB: The self-loathing inherent in your name provides a window into the reasoning by which you have been assigned the elephant seal, perhaps the ugliest friggin' animal ever. However, like you, UGB, there is more to this animal than simply gross obesity, a trunk, and a propensity to make incredibly loud and disturbing AURRRGGGGHH sounds. Fact: A bull elephant seal will pork over FIFTY slut elephant seals during mating season. Yay! Also, the elephant seal is an incredible diver (up to 5,000 feet!), justifying that Van Halen "Diver Down" sticker you've had on your car since '82.

Catching up:

HellSpawn: Badger. King of the forest, you put the BAD in badger and the GER in geraniums, because you are easy on the eyes like said flora. Back to the BADNESS though, you seriously bring the pain, the lacerations, and the hospital bills. You are Cezanne, painting from a palette of blood and sinew. Unfuckwithable. You are the Suge Knight of the woodlands, ruling with an iron paw.

Tiff: I don't really know you, but Tiff is a cute name and you are clearly affable and wise; we know this because you had the good sense to post in this thread. Ironically, your power animal is the monitor lizard, an ornery old cuss that enjoys standing alone on rocky precipices. From this we can also assume that you are skilled at monitoring things, such as checking-account balances, your blood-alcohol level, and death-row inmates. Go figure.

Super Grover: I like Grover. He's possibly my favorite Sesame Street resident. In related news, your power animal is the Portuguese man-o-war. An unholy amalgam of Giger, Lovecraft, and Sweet Throbbing Jesus That Sting Really Hurts, you unthreateningly get blown around by the wind and occasionally end up near a beach. This is your time to shine, as stupid children will playfully approach you and get the fuck stung out of them as a result. What is best in life? Your answer would be tasting the sweet satisfaction of watching your victims foolishly pour human piss on themselves in an attempt to alleviate the agony you have dished out.

Wolfwood, I'll get to you asap.