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Post Here and I'll Assign You a Screenwriting Career at Some Stage of Success/Failure

post #1 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:27pm
Thread Starter 
Don't bother telling us about the ideas that have been percolating in your gray matter. Post here and I'll tell you just where you rank in your quest to get to Variety's pitch pages.
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post #2 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:30pm
I'm thisclose to a deal, right?!
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post #3 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:32pm
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!!!
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post #4 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:32pm
Rex!
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post #5 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:34pm
If I'm a failure I'll kill myself.
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post #6 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:39pm
NOBODY WANTS MY SNICKERDOODLES!!
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post #7 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:55pm
Don't make me hump Shelley Long.
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post #8 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:55pm
Tell me I've got a future.
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post #9 of 56
5/27/04 at 3:58pm
yeah me too
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post #10 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:04pm
Nice to see you again, Rex.
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post #11 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:21pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by PsYcHwArD101
NOBODY WANTS MY SNICKERDOODLES!!
You've gotten a couple of scripts underway, but you just can't seem to get past page ten on any of them.

Here's a clue: stop writing scripts that open with hentai sequences. And don't burn any bridges with the night manager at 7-11.
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post #12 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:23pm
Okay, shoot.

/cups fragile ego in his hands like a tiny little birdie...
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post #13 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:25pm
I Wanna Get Michael Bay's Coffee and Condoms!!!!!!
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post #14 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:30pm
Clearly, I'm at the top of my game.
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post #15 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:34pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Blunt
If I'm a failure I'll kill myself.
Well, I probably don't have to tell you that the market for those Matrix prequels has somewhat dried up. That one that you're revising can probably wait for a while, and you should turn your attention to the script of the great mime biopic the world's been waiting for.

You'll hit it big one day. Only you'll be ghosting Nora Ephron scripts. Thus, big pay but shrunken testicles.
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post #16 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:39pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by flyarz
I'm thisclose to a deal, right?!
It's not looking good, John. You bought that Movie Magic software six months ago, but it's been sitting on your computer desk, uninstalled. Sometimes you think, tonight's the night, but every time you reach for the software, your hand brushes against your joystick (usually your computer joystick) and you instead succumb to an all-night session of TEKKEN 9.*

Which is really a shame, 'cause there's a Taxi Driver inside you just waiting to be released.






*This may not be the actual name/spelling of an actual game. I do not know or care.
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post #17 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:40pm
Hit me.
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post #18 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:48pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by billzæbub
Don't make me hump Shelley Long.
You've finished six scripts. They're all fantastic (says your mom) and they're really close to being made into movies (by "movies" we mean those little vignettes you act out in the tub with your action figures). She-- I mean, your "insider friend"-- especially likes the one with the crime-fighting ferrets. You'll be writing for the rest of your life, little guy!
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post #19 of 56
5/27/04 at 4:51pm
Mmm, me too.
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post #20 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:00pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by L7 Productions
Hit me.
Having chosen to become, through the choice of your username, a living and breathing advertisement for your production company, what sort of aspersions and/or encouragement could I offer you to prod/dissuade you along/from your chosen path?

None.
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post #21 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:04pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Chalupamonk
Mmm, me too.
Now, I'm taking a chance that your signature line isn't a reference to some written-on-paper statement somewhere, but rather it's a dialogue line you've quoted, internalized and heartily treasured.

And, not to mention, one in which you've misspelled one of the easiest fucking words in the English language.

All of this leads up to one sure conclusion: big money in Studio City has the name Chalupamonk written all over it.

In red crayon.
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post #22 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:11pm
Me!!
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post #23 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:12pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Rex Hudler
Having chosen to become, through the choice of your username, a living and breathing advertisement for your production company, what sort of aspersions and/or encouragement could I offer you to prod/dissuade you along/from your chosen path?

None.
Haha... awesome.
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post #24 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:13pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Malachi Constant
I'm probably not going to like this.
What's not to like? You get to keep telling people you'll be done with your screenplay in a few months, and you keep getting gullible girls to follow you back to your "writing studio" to see where the troubled artist works. Sure, when they find out you're just Jack Torranceing it they walk out, but it's a much better hook than anything else you can come up with.
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post #25 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:19pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Tony Ryan
Me!!
A. Ryan (that's your writer name), you will totally sell your adaptation of All That Heaven Allows/Ali: Fear Eats the Soul set in the Tijuana knife-fighting community. What's more, you'll sell it before you turn nineteen.

Of course, the proceeds will go toward satisfying the creditors of your comic book store, but that's another thread...
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post #26 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:22pm
Was I just Fucking Ignored?
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post #27 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:26pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by gravedigger
Clearly, I'm at the top of my game.
Yes, your game. Your game is thinly-veiled retellings of the indignities you suffered at the hands of haughty blonde girls who couldn't be made to appreciate the complexities of the Prime Directive. Oh, how the Directive makes for such ethical quandries and such good drama!

So, their rejection is your fuel, and each of those longhand screenplays which you write and faithfully submit to studios, each of which ends in some sort of bloodbath in a public place...well, each one you write brings the FBI one step closer to your door.

Keep writing.
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post #28 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:34pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Isao Kanemasa
Was I just Fucking Ignored?
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post #29 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:37pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Rex Hudler
You've gotten a couple of scripts underway, but you just can't seem to get past page ten on any of them.

Here's a clue: stop writing scripts that open with hentai sequences. And don't burn any bridges with the night manager at 7-11.
good call
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post #30 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:38pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Isao Kanemasa
Was I just Fucking Ignored?
Mike, I had just composed yours on the walk to the bathroom. Don't make me change it.

So anyway, we all knew you had a great combat-heavy bloodbath of physical melee juxtaposed with gritty noirish gangland goings-on movie inside you, but what we weren't ready for was that curiously incongruous epilogue, in which Chow Yun Fat just sits down to finger-paint with his niece. Yes, some decried the graphic nature of a scene in which the hero paints with the blood of his fallen kin, but critics in the know knew better, and thus we were not surprised when your screenwriting took a decidedly sentimental turn, and you devoted yourself headlong to writing scripts in which that Hugh Grant, he's such a cad, but then he meets the Right Girl and he turns his life around so fast his head spins. Or that one where Robert DeNiro displays anti-social tendencies and drives everyone around him soooooo crazy, but then they reach an understanding!

They're beautiful stories. And you're going to be so, so rich. And you can't eat or drive self-respect, now can you?
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post #31 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:42pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by hesterthe13th
Well, this one's pretty obvious now. You're going to plagiarize something someone else wrote because it sounded poignant to you at the time. You'll complain about it and file frivolous lawsuits over it and try to make yourself look like a screenwriter, all the while propping yourself up by continuing to write your newspaper column. When you die every obituary will spend precious paragraphs documenting your obsession with making sure you were the intellectual horsepower behind Coming to America.
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post #32 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:42pm
That last part is a "Asians can't drive" joke, isn't it?
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post #33 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:43pm
Thread Starter 
BTW, what's the over/under on me getting fatigued with this and just resorting to posting that picture of Hasselhoff and Coleman?
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post #34 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:44pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Isao Kanemasa
That last part is a "Asians can't drive" joke, isn't it?
Wait. You're Asian?
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post #35 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:48pm
Zingu!!!
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post #36 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:49pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Rex Hudler
Well, this one's pretty obvious now. You're going to plagiarize something someone else wrote because it sounded poignant to you at the time. You'll complain about it and file frivolous lawsuits over it and try to make yourself look like a screenwriter, all the while propping yourself up by continuing to write your newspaper column. When you die every obituary will spend precious paragraphs documenting your obsession with making sure you were the intellectual horsepower behind Coming to America.
What a load of horseshit! You think you're so smrt hiding behind your keyboard and making flippant observations about people half a world away. I garontee you'd never have the guts to call me a plagarizer to my face. This thread (and you!) sux!
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post #37 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:54pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Sister Gracie Lou
Nice to see you again, Rex.
Thanks, Gracie. You're secretly typing away at a really great ghost story set in the old west, furtively minimizing windows to keep it from the view of anyone who should walk into the room. You mention the thing to no one. You finish it one sleepless night after you've got a kid back to bed, and on a lark you send it off to an agent. When you get a call from a guy who's on a cell phone outside your door in his car, who has brought with him a contract to rep you and he's smelling franchise, well, that's the last time you'll worry about money.
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post #38 of 56
5/27/04 at 5:56pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by hesterthe13th
What a load of horseshit! You think you're so smrt hiding behind your keyboard and making flippant observations about people half a world away. I garontee you'd never have the guts to call me a plagarizer to my face. This thread (and you!) sux!
Clearly, I was all wrong about you. How long have you been polishing scripts for Kevin Smith?
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post #39 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:07pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Otik
Clearly.

The proliferation of cable television channels has raised the demand for writers who can write things to attract that 18-38 demographic. In your tenure as a writer for Sci-Fi's original programing, you'll develop a niche for finding just the right monosyllabic things for a blue-skinned buxom alien to bleat. No, you'll never need to write more than 60 pages at a time, but you'll feel a certain satisfaction knowing that you fill the unique niche between lousy programing and dreadful programing. There's money in it, but mandatory convention appearances flanked by Sybil Danning are a mixed blessing depending on the degree of intoxication she's exhibiting.
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post #40 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:10pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by ChainsawXxX
I Wanna Get Michael Bay's Coffee and Condoms!!!!!!
Wait. I have no pipeline to Bay. You want some other thread.

With that, your screenwriting career ceases to exist before it ever began.
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post #41 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:11pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Nordling
Okay, shoot.

/cups fragile ego in his hands like a tiny little birdie...
Well, Nordling, you've got a buddy for a movie producer. If he can't do it for you, nothing a yokel like me can do or say is worth a hill of jumping beans.

That bird can fly! Let that little bird fly in the wind!
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post #42 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:15pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Adam Warren
Rex!
Adam, we were all so hopeful when you were rumored to be hired to take a pass at the Indy IV script. I can only assume that because Mr. Lucas chose not to set your vision to celluloid (or that digital voodoo that he sometimes employs), you are a writer whose work has the texture and scent of a unit of human shit. Stick to barroom brawling punctuated by discussions of Kierkegaard.
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post #43 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:16pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by RegVelJohnson
yeah me too
Two words: giant sharks.
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post #44 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:35pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Rex Hudler
Thanks, Gracie. You're secretly typing away at a really great ghost story set in the old west, furtively minimizing windows to keep it from the view of anyone who should walk into the room. You mention the thing to no one. You finish it one sleepless night after you've got a kid back to bed, and on a lark you send it off to an agent. When you get a call from a guy who's on a cell phone outside your door in his car, who has brought with him a contract to rep you and he's smelling franchise, well, that's the last time you'll worry about money.
Splendiferous. *curtsey*
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post #45 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:38pm
I write horrid erotica and fanfiction for Pitch Black. Flay me open.
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post #46 of 56
5/27/04 at 6:43pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by FarinaMystica
I write horrid erotica and fanfiction for Pitch Black. Flay me open.
You'll be so thrilled when Vin contacts you directly because he wants you to adapt a story for him to star in, a story that speaks to him on many different levels. You will be the one who is gifted enough to adapt Wong's Happy Together to the mean streets of Long Island and the sportbike gangs who inhabit them.

Things will never be the same.
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post #47 of 56
5/27/04 at 7:34pm
I'm desperate and willing to do anything for fame. Hit me.
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post #48 of 56
5/27/04 at 8:00pm
Quote:
Originally posted by Rex Hudler
Wait. I have no pipeline to Bay. You want some other thread.

With that, your screenwriting career ceases to exist before it ever began.
Dammit! Now how am I suppose to get Michael Bay my script for Pearl Harbor 2: Pearl Harder?
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post #49 of 56
5/27/04 at 8:44pm
Lie to me about my chances.
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post #50 of 56
5/28/04 at 3:04am
I want to write for Steve Guttenberg!
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