So...Tell me about yourself?

sometimes I like to speak in the 3rd person to mess with people....

So...Tell me about yourself?

...um....I have red hair.

I also have a ghost named George who has been following me for a few years to every place I have moved to....I like him, he's neat....

Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?

Nice Fucking Model!! *honk honk*

My mother was a waitress at a Fuddruckers when she met my dad, a trucker/bondsman from New Mexico. They fucked once and nine months later I was born. I never knew my dad, but I heard he was killed after he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a Motel 6, killing two people and severely injuring 3 others.

My mom taught me herself and gave me a good American education. I now work as a part-time fortune teller in San Adolfo, Texas. I own every episode of the Price is Right aired after 1982 on tape.

Faaaaaaaaaaark mate - now thats a fuckin story.

You should write the film some day.

RD

It was a dark and stormy night...

OOO! OOO! Is this that story about the guuuyyyy with the hooook hand??!


*spooky warbly voice accompanied by Thunder*

And Lightning...

And Leong...

1. Full name: Sean Winton Carlson

2. The middle name “Winton” is a family tradition passed on from my great grandfather to my grandfather to my father…you get the idea.

3. “Winton” stops with me.

4. The last remaining Carlson’s are my father and me.

5. There will not be another.

6. My mother had one shot at conceiving and got pregnant with me.

7. My father has resented my existence since that instant.

8. My first memory is of going to see Star Wars at a Drive-In when I was 18 months old.

9. I was nearly killed when I was three when my mother and I got into a car accident where I collided with the CB radio rig. It sliced my back open from lower neck to upper crack, nearly to the spine.

10. I refuse to take my shirt off in public to this day because of it.

11. I have a deathly fear of turtles, especially dead ones.

12. My parents took my first dog to the pound after two hours when it nearly took my head off.

13. From Kindergarten to the fourth grade I went to a private Lutheran school where religion was taught over all other subjects.

14. As such I frown on all forms of organized religion.

15. I don’t believe in God.

16. I won’t see heaven.

17. I believe in fate and destiny.

18. Growing up I never had a friend in playing distance.

19. My father made me go to school twenty minutes after the big 6.1 Northridge quake in 1987.

20. My Junior High is famous for having so many students shot from the neighboring low-income housing project that a 50 foot containment wall was built around the school.

21. I was thrown out of the cub scouts for stabbing the scoutmaster’s son through the chest with a sword after he talked smack about my friend.

22. My High School, David Starr Jordan High in Long Beach, California, is famous for having more race riots and violence on campus than any other high school in Southern California.

23. We had six full time Sheriff’s stationed on campus and another four LBPD officers.

24. I lost my virginity in 1991 when in the Sea Scouts to one of the scoutmaster’s daughters in the base shower after saving the life of my best friend Zach.

25. Said girl would later run me down in her car in front of the Scout’s top brass in the area.

26. I was kicked out of the Sea Scouts for cracking the newly elected troop leader over the head with a metal barricade pole.

27. I had sex with the editor of the school paper during a Jordan race riot in my senior year as shots where fired fifty feet away.

28. My grandfather (Old Man Carlson) shot me during the middle of the night the last time I saw him before he died.

29. I was nearly killed in a mine-car derailment during a wholesome family vacation activity late that same week.

30. A poem I wrote in five minutes before class was voted best in show and later included in my high school literary magazine “Stylus.” The magazine later went all-national taking first place for high school literary mags in the country. It made me the #1 Student Poet in the nation from 1994-1995.

31. I once had a play performed by the advanced drama class for over six weeks and I never saw a dime for it.

32. I took advanced senior-only screenwriting in the 10th grade.

33. I took advanced filmmaking in the 11th grade.

34. Both classes I was #1.

35. My idols are John Carpenter, James Cameron, Walter Hill, Ringo Lam, Andrew Lau, Hunter S. Thompson, and George P. Cosmatos.

36. I own every Renny Harlin film.

37. When I met Harlin, he gave me Geena Davis’ phone number.

38. My father teaches at Long Beach City College. So does Walter Hill's brother.

39. The only woman who has ever loved me feared that I was ruining my life by being with her so she convinced me that she was cheating on me and got pregnant by a freshman’s baby in high school.

40. Four months later, she killed herself in a drug overdose when I refused to take her back after I graduated.

41. She did so on my 18th birthday and left her final message on my answering machine.

42. I lost my best friend Zach six months later.

43. I can beat any video game under the “Star Wars” name.

44. I ruined a Nintendo/Lucasarts cross promotion for the N64 Pod Racer game when I beat so-called world record holder Jake Lloyd’s track time by nearly 30 seconds at 1999’s E3 expo in L.A.

45. My friend Robby B. forged us access to the same event hours earlier by saying that we were big shot entertainment lawyers.

46. The day I finished my first screenplay, a “Red Dawn meets The Thin Red Line” in a high school, was the same day Columbine happened.

47. The death of Princess Diana was called down to the minute at the exact moment of my 21st birthday.

48. I was thrown out of Long Beach City College, the same Junior level that Reggie Bannister was kicked out of years earlier.

49. I refuse to allow myself to love.

50. I only decided to become a writer/filmmaker because it’s something I do well and everyone must do something.

51. I plan on martyring myself at the first available opportunity.

52. I can’t spell for shit.

53. I can remember every movie and every actor’s career that I’ve been exposed to.

54. I had my IQ tested twice. The first was 183, the second was 208.

55. I was psych-tested at the age of seven and diagnosed clinically insane.

56. I’ve been so angry that I have put my fist through walls.

57. I was ex-communicated from the Lutheran church at the age of ten.

58. I can field strip an M-16 in the dark.

59. I see my friends maybe once a month.

60. I buy at least four DVDs a week.

61. I’m paid to continue living.

62. My 10th grade English teacher had a restraining order placed against me.

63. My college English teacher was in love with me.

64. Jeffery Combs is the only person who has ever embarrassed me.

65. I was almost thrown out of the L.A. Airport Hyatt for causing a disturbance when a group of friends and I first watched The Star Wars Holiday Special during Fango Con 1992.

66. My father stared down Arnold Schwarzenegger.

67. My friend Joey worked security during the 2001 Academy Awards and refused to admit Clint Eastwood for over an hour.

68. My last short film “Hatchetman” has a fan following in The LBC Underground.

69. I’m developing two scripts and two television series.

70. I sing a wicked version of Puff the Magic Dragon. But only in the nude.

71. Former Laker AC Green came to my high school and gave us free ice cream if we vowed to not have sex until marriage. I didn’t get any cause I was caught getting some in the back row during his heartfelt speech.

72. During six grade camp, I was pushed by a friend and slid down 150 foot mountain slope in the rain.

73. The bitch trail leader then made my ass go to the co-ed square dance without seeking medical attention. She later regretted that when I passed out, ripping school sexpot and jailbait temptress Gina’s low cut dress clean off exposing her wondrous 12 year old fully-developed breasts to the entire camp.

74. Said bitch trail leader later gave our entire cabin KP duty for the remainder of camp.

75. Said Gina would later give me a hands on demonstration behind the auditorium.

76. During “That Assembly” we all get during the sixth grade, the school principal stood in front of the entire collected sixth grade boys and said “God save us all if Carlson reaches puberty.”

77. I assassinated Malcolm X with Kenner’s plastic Han Solo blaster during the Black History Month assembly in the fifth grade.

78. I broke my “CHIPS” Big Wheel by jumping a 25 foot ramp while trying to impress young Katie Ingersoll during Vacation Bible School in the fourth grade.

79. I was the only student ever suspended from St. John’s Lutheran.

80. It happened when my second grade teacher asked me to write something I wasn’t supposed to say at home during a Social Studies exam. I wrote “My father says I can’t say the word Fuk until high school.”

81. They gave me 50 swats with a large wooden paddle. 25 for say “Fuk.” 25 for misspelling “Fuk.”

82. The principal was laughing so hard that the musical director for the Church choir had to take over.

83. As a child, my parents would send me to the bathroom for punishment as my room was too fun.

84. I had (still do) so many Star Wars and GI Joe figures that by the time my friends and I would equip everyone we’d be too tired to play and begin to disarm them.

85. I’m barred for life from the Gene Autry Museum in L.A. because I was compelled to touch his fucking stuffed horse.

86. My mother bitch slapped my tenth grade English teacher when she asked her why I hadn’t killed myself yet and saved the world the trouble.

87. My parents refused to let me go on field trips.

88. Except for two: The Obligatory Griffith Observatory one and the time the entire sixth grade class went to the Long Beach Philharmonic to see the opera version of Othello.

89. My school, Bret Harte Elementary of North Long Beach, would latter be banned when I clocked my best friend Zach over the head with the dome light I bought at the adjoining Ice Capades when he wouldn’t shut the hell up during the rousing conclusion. Well that and the ensuing rumble probably.

90. The only family tradition we Carlson’s had growing up was The Great Western Gun Show at the Pamona Fairgrounds every May and November. They let me stay home from school those days.

91. They also let me stay home opening day for Army of Darkness.

92. The ROTC refused to let me join. Said I had far too much bloodlust.

93. I later saved the squad leader when a pack of gangbangers tried to scragg his worthless ass and thusly became an honorary member.

94. During the senior photo, I cut my leg climbing over the gate to get to the bleachers. After walking around with it bleeding and torn open all day, I was out the rest of the week and laid up in bed for infection and loss of blood.

95. I make friends in the local branch chapter of the Crips when I allowed them to beat the crap out of our 23 year old, Sherylin Fenn looking Transitional Math teacher when she failed half of
us. She later asked me why I didn’t stop them from attacking her. I said “Well I didn’t fail them either.”

96. I framed our violent architectural drafting teacher for child abuse by convincing the aforementioned Zach to run himself into a wall and blame him. It actually worked cause turns out the bastard was having his way with the “Ratboy” behind the garage. Score one for me.

97. For a class project – and I swear this is true - my German teacher made our class dress up in lederhosen and make promotional videos for the German Sausage industry.

98. I refused to run the mile during PE and no one could convince me otherwise.

99. I lost all my recess privileges in the fourth grade when I used the baby Jesus to play football during the week long preparation for the yearly St. John Christmas Service.

100. Ruthie, the leader of the all-chick branch of the Crips, took a shine to me and gave me my first blow-job during history in the 10th grade because she said and I quote “This white kid is fuckin’ whack.”

And knowing is half the battle...

Open up a little.

She asked.

I just think it's obvious that you're hiding 101 -999 from us.

I once pissed in the coin return cup in a Change machine.

Well.. what do you want to know? I'll bite. I'm not shy.

1. After I moved to another Highschool I came back during a Homecoming Football game. All my class mates had left me a shrine... A huge wad of bubble gum about the size of my head in the school's musical instrument storage room.

2. I once scared some band members so bad that I made them cry. There was a tornado watch in effect at a game we went to and on the way back I yelled out that we were all going to die.

3. A friend and I once made our highschool English teacher leave the room upset. She had to get the principal to finish out the day's lesson.

4. I got caught fake smoking in elementary. The teacher made me stand out in the hall doing my fake smoking routine between classes.

5. I got kicked out of class for burping.

6. I was at a beach and got some jellyfish bits in my trunks. So I stripped down trying to get them out and the wave went away. I flashed several hundered strangers not realizing it till after I had my shorts cleaned out and my friends told me.

7. I got shat on by a sea gull.

i can wiggle my second toes by themselves, separately and in unison, and since they are my longest toes i can cross them over the "big" toes...

I once dated a chick who - I later found out - murdered her husband.

I was party to the attempted theft of a WWII dive bombing aircraft. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved.

I drove one of my racing Karts at 80mph or so on Interstate 5 with a foglight powered by a motorcycle battery duct taped to the porch/bumper. Again, authorities believe alcohol may have been involved.

Well, I've always wondered if you bite and if you are shy.

Anything you wanna know about me prala? I'll tell.

I grunt like a caveman when I'm annoyed.

How much alcohol does it take to get you to do stupid shit for the pleasure and enjoyment of others?

I ask cause I care.

i find Spongebob Squarepants to be misleading on the physics of the underwater realm, even though the creator is an oceanographer, i also think Bob the Builder is a Communist venue for bitter never-made-it writers who scheme to soil the pampered minds of our youth...

as for billylove, that would be around 15 shots of hard liquor...

Give me a case of beer, or a bottle of liquor and i'll do stupid shit without a second thought.

i like blueberry pie, it keeps the spirits up and the gas down...

Wow, Django. Reading that made me want to give you a big hug.

Can I have a hug?

Oh and about myself

I can handle my alchohol pretty damn well.

I like toast.

My girlfriend thinks toasters are the greatest invention of mankind.

Yeah from the bottle to your mouth.

How did we get away from alcohol?

LIES!

The lovecats is my favorite The Cure song.

My dog gives me hugs.

I don't "get a clue." Nor do I "wise up."

I'm a Taurus.

I have 3 cats.

My Cats names are Zeus, Odin and Loki.