CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › It's Official - My Campaign Has Begun
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

It's Official - My Campaign Has Begun

post #1 of 109
10/18/04 at 11:35pm
Thread Starter 
After having my name tossed into the presidential ring, I've decided to accept the CHUD Message Board nomination for the presidency of these great United States.

I have heard your cries for help...
I have heard your pleas for executive sanity...
I have heard your whining about the weakness of the Matrix sequels...

Now I want to hear what you can do for me. If I'm going all the way, I'm going to need some help. I've got some ideas for people I'm going to bring with me, and I'd like to share a few with you -

Vice President - Boomstick: If I get shot in the face, die of syphilis that I get from the numerous hookers welcomed into the Oval Office, or if there is a national disaster and I'm spending my time running all over the country hiding from evil doers, I need to know there's a White Sox fan that's going to take my place.

Press Secretary - Devin: Liberal or conservative, who wouldn't want to see those battles with the press?

Secretary of Education - Nick Nunziata: Our schools are not teaching our students the classics, like Society and Yor: The Hunter From the Future. Times must change, and the Nunz is the man for this job.

Secretary of Agriculture - Jacob Singer: I hear he can get his hands on great herb.

Secretary of State - Micah Robinson: Dude knows his shit. Hopefully his Lambert love can rebuild the bridge we have burned with France. If nothing else, his photo in the CHUD boobies thread should break even the coldest of negotiations.

Speechwriter - Slater: I like to keep my material funny and as full of as many mentions to pants pooping, monkeys, and retarded kids in a movie theater as humanly possible.

Secretary of Defense - misfit: Perhaps the angriest man I've ever met, his mere presence in this post will scare North Korea into not only giving up their nuclear program, but communism and heterosexuality as well.


Everything else is open right now, so make your case. Besides the official positions, I still need a Coose Retreiver, Bartender, and Ego Masturbator.

Remember, I like ass kissers, so pucker up if you want a position.

Get out there and vote, people!

God bless America.

GFC
Reply
post #2 of 109
10/18/04 at 11:48pm
Can be the token protester who snubs voting as a false expression of empowerment?

I'll stake out a place on the front lawn of the legislative building.
Reply
post #3 of 109
10/18/04 at 11:54pm
Thread Starter 
You forgot the asskissing.

Still, you are a stout mind. Since you're not fond of the economics, how about Secretary of Commerce?

You would have to become an American citizen, though.
Reply
post #4 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:00am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
You forgot the asskissing.

Still, you are a stout mind. Since you're not fond of the economics, how about Secretary of Commerce?

You would have to become an American citizen, though.
I already am. I was born in Atlanta strangely enough and claim dual citizenship.

I can be Secretary of Commerce, but I'll really mess things up.
Reply
post #5 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:59am
Thread Starter 
Good. Sometimes you need to break some eggs to make an omlette, and sometimes you need to fuck things up just for the hell of it.

I'm Guttenberg Fan Club, and I've approved this cliche.
Reply
post #6 of 109
10/19/04 at 9:26am
Did you have relations with that woman?
Reply
post #7 of 109
10/19/04 at 10:34am
Do you have anything open for "Token Opposition Member in a Worthless Cabinet Position?"
Reply
post #8 of 109
10/19/04 at 10:53am
Free Hat!
Reply
post #9 of 109
10/19/04 at 11:04am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tcjsavannah
Did you have relations with that woman?
That all depends on what 'did' means - but probably yes. I am quite fond of relations with women.

sorro, you're an alright guy & intelligent fellow, but your careless attitude toward the American worker means I can't put you an a position with any sort of power. You can head the Department of Homeland Security.
Reply
post #10 of 109
10/19/04 at 11:59am
The Police Academy series represented an outright attack on the authority and morality of great American institutions and hid dangerous and subversive messages behind the ladies with the large breasts.

Cocoon clearly shows old men touching young boys.

Three men and a baby was, like, totally gay and stuff.

Answer that in a minute and half.
Reply
post #11 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:03pm
I humbly accept my position in your cabinet. My first act as Secretary of Defense will be to invade my favorite strip club, the Pink Pony. After many, many lapdances and Jaeger shots, we will attack Rhode Island. The bastards will never see it coming.
Reply
post #12 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:04pm
Can I be head of the CIA, NSA, NSC, or DIA?

OH!! OH!!! Or a Supreme Court Judge? That's where the real power is now anyway.
Reply
post #13 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:11pm
Thread Starter 
Sorry, but I'm holding out a Supreme Court position for Whiskey.

Actually Dale, one of my first acts as president will be sending you to Gitmo as a threat to the nation. You'll probably live out the rest of your life in prison awaiting a trial that will never happen. At least I know you'll understand.
Reply
post #14 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:12pm
MEMORANDUM
TO: GFC
STATUS: PRIVATE
RE: POSSIBLE "HUMANIZING" JOKE FOR STUMP SPEECH

"Nominating Grifter for an Intelligence position is like naming the Queer Eye guys Secretaries of Not Being Gay." (hold for laughter)

(Middle class loves those pop culture references. If losing homo vote is concern, maybe substitute for Sex in the City girls? Something about shopping? Chick voters probably love shopping jokes. We'll talk later. Think about joke.)
Reply
post #15 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
Sorry, but I'm holding out a Supreme Court position for Whiskey.

Actually Dale, one of my first acts as president will be sending you to Gitmo as a threat to the nation. You'll probably live out the rest of your life in prison awaiting a trial that will never happen. At least I know you'll understand.

Fair enough.

Just remember, I am a stock broker. Maybe something quiet in the FED? Besides, it's much better to have me on your side, than against you. That whole fierce, blind loyalty thing, you know.
Reply
post #16 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:21pm
Thread Starter 
MEMORANDUM
TO: Slater
STATUS: PRIVATE
RE: RE: POSSIBLE "HUMANIZING" JOKE FOR STUMP SPEECH

The joke will work. We're not going to have to worry about offending the gays because we're giving them marriage rights and Texas. Then we're going to give marriage rights to the polygamists - they can keep Utah.
Reply
post #17 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:24pm
MEMORANDUM
TO: GFC
STATUS: PRIVATE
RE: TEXAS

Good deal. Don't forget the "And you don't much look like a steer to me, son," line. Kills in the Bible Belt.
Reply
post #18 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:25pm
That's going to put "everything's bigger in Texas" in a whole new light.
Reply
post #19 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:27pm
MEMORANDUM
TO: GFC
STATUS: DOES NOT EXIST
RE: HOME MOVIES.

ATTCH: JFK(Grs Knl ang).mpg

Any Questions?
Reply
post #20 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:40pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinity'sGusset
The Police Academy series represented an outright attack on the authority and morality of great American institutions and hid dangerous and subversive messages behind the ladies with the large breasts.

Cocoon clearly shows old men touching young boys.

Three men and a baby was, like, totally gay and stuff.

Answer that in a minute and half.
1) This administration will pride itself on attacking the current moral outlook of the American public.

2) You try and hold back Hume Cronyn when he's in heat.

3) Selleck, Danson, and the Guttenberg gay? I think you need to rewatch the movie. The lesson learned is that having babies outside of wedlock leads to lots of trim and free heroin.
Reply
post #21 of 109
10/19/04 at 12:57pm
Sounds like a cool party to me i'd vote for it.

If you need a Sam Fisher/Soldier of Fortune type psycho that will infiltrate terrorist cells, strongholds and wipe them out with much viciousness then i'm your man.
Reply
post #22 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:11pm
Can I be Attorney General?

Even if I completely screw the pooch in this capacity, people will still say, "DaveB's nothing great, but he's a fuckload better than Aschcroft." Plus, I look forward to making public appearances with my own version of "Let the Eagle Soar," complete with a DJ, horn section, and sexy backup singers.
Reply
post #23 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:18pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny Daywalker
Sounds like a cool party to me i'd vote for it.

If you need a Sam Fisher/Soldier of Fortune type psycho that will infiltrate terrorist cells, strongholds and wipe them out with much viciousness then i'm your man.
Do you mean actually doing it, or just freeloading into the new LAN wing of the White House? We'll need people for both capacities, so take your pick.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveB
Can I be Attorney General?

Even if I completely screw the pooch in this capacity, people will still say, "DaveB's nothing great, but he's a fuckload better than Aschcroft." Plus, I look forward to making public appearances with my own version of "Let the Eagle Soar," complete with a DJ, horn section, and sexy backup singers.
Very nice choice. We're going after corparations, getting out of people's bedrooms and continue to adorn government buildings with statues that show titties; as long as you've got no problem with those you're in.

Oh, and I'm probably going to sleep with the sexy backup singers. Sorry, I just can't control myself.
Reply
post #24 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:22pm
I can't wait to go before the UN and make my heartfelt case such important issues like mandatory worldwide Halo 2 installations, The McRib being made a permanent part of McDonald's menu, and for that damn Anne Hathaway movie where she shows the goods to be released already.
Reply
post #25 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
Do you mean actually doing it, or just freeloading into the new LAN wing of the White House? We'll need people for both capacities, so take your pick.
I think I just found a job. I can be your "plausible deniability" attack dog. If I get to bring my own team. The guys I know are very, very good.

Reply
post #26 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:30pm
MEMORANDUM
TO: GFC
STATUS: PRIVATE
RE: RESIGNATION

It is with a great public outpouring of regret that I announce my resignation from your campaign, effective immediately. Sometimes in this crazy game of politics, Mr. Candidate, we have to follow our hearts, and my heart is telling me to endorse MICAH FOR PRESIDENT.

"Micah Robinson: Finally, a leader who cares about Anne Hathaway's sweater puppies."
Reply
post #27 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:33pm
Thread Starter 
MEMORANDUM
TO: JOHNNY DAYWALKER
STATUS: PRIVATE
RE: FIRST MISSION

Slater has resigned. He knows to much. Do what has to be done.
Reply
post #28 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:34pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
He knows to much.
It's sad when a man loses his speechwriter for the first time.
Reply
post #29 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
Very nice choice. We're going after corparations, getting out of people's bedrooms and continue to adorn government buildings with statues that show titties; as long as you've got no problem with those you're in.
I'll even make sure the statues get "implants," sir.

Quote:
Oh, and I'm probably going to sleep with the sexy backup singers. Sorry, I just can't control myself.
Hey, that's what they're there for.
Reply
post #30 of 109
10/19/04 at 1:46pm
Thread Starter 
If I had the benefit of the education programs I will be giving to the children of this country, I wouldent have no such problem.
Reply
post #31 of 109
10/19/04 at 2:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
If I had the benefit of the education programs I will be giving to the children of this country, I wouldent have no such problem.
As acting legal council for Team Robinson for President (motto: "Michoice. Micountry. Micah." Catchy as all fuck, huh?), I'm here to advise you that this No Child Left Behind policy you're advocating is dangerously close to Micah's "Neither of Anne Hathaway's Titties Left Offscreen" policy. Please alter your rhetoric before we alter it for you.
Reply
post #32 of 109
10/19/04 at 2:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater
"Michoice. Micountry. Micah."
Seems like this campaign is in the pocket of the Auto Industry. I'm not sure i can trust them.
Reply
post #33 of 109
10/19/04 at 6:18pm
Can I be head of the National Endownment for the Arts? I promise to put a Robert Mapplethorpe photograph in every museum south of the Mason Dixon.
Reply
post #34 of 109
10/19/04 at 10:31pm
MEMORANDUM
TO: GFC
STATUS: PRIVATE
RE: TARGET A GO

" Ready for duty and currently in route to Kansas. Already getting sick of seeing farms and smelling cowdung. Its a dirty job but someones gotta do it. Out. "
Reply
post #35 of 109
10/19/04 at 10:53pm
Let me run the National Security Council for you, GFC. I'll do a really good job. And, I won't any detractors get within two yards of possibly harmful materials. I'll pump them full of lead quicker than you can say "dead hookers".

Anderson for National Security Advisor. Believe it!
Reply
post #36 of 109
10/20/04 at 1:33am
This thread is greatness.
Reply
post #37 of 109
10/20/04 at 1:41am
May I be one of your joint chiefs of staff?
Reply
post #38 of 109
10/20/04 at 2:17am
From Drudge:

WORLD EXCLUSIVE---ROBINSON'S TOP ADVISOR MURDERED IN HOME---DETAILS DEVELOPING...
Reply
post #39 of 109
10/20/04 at 2:34am
Daywalker is a retard for not clearly labeling names on his "who's who" list of CHUD photos. Long story short, he got me confused with the only other masculine poster on this site.

R.I.P., Countess Anna.

R.I.P.
Reply
post #40 of 109
10/20/04 at 2:51am
We here at Drudge regret the error. Return to your lives.

And, in other news, the Van Helsing fansite ring mourns the loss of its leader. Count Vampyre Dracul could not be reached for comment, saying in a public statement, "She was truly the best of us all, and believed to the end in the true greatness of Van Helsing."
Reply
post #41 of 109
10/20/04 at 10:37am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
sorro, you're an alright guy & intelligent fellow, but your careless attitude toward the American worker means I can't put you an a position with any sort of power. You can head the Department of Homeland Security.
My first official act will be to replace the Rainbow of Doom with the Bruckheimer Movie Scale of Doom:
Black Hawk Down (everything's A-OK)
Crimson Tide
The Rock
Pearl Harbor
*Catwoman (we're all doomed)

*note: Catwoman is not a Bruckheimer movie, but it's so scary and so bad that it was tough to think of anything else that would scare people into buying duct tape and heading for the hills.
Reply
post #42 of 109
10/20/04 at 11:51am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Goldberg
This thread is greatness.
That's the kind of talk that will get you a high level cabinet post. Interested in the Interior? I'd like to find a way to turn Texas into swampland.

sorro, I love the idea, though I can't agree with The Rock's placement on the spectrum, it kills Blackhawk Down.
Reply
post #43 of 109
10/20/04 at 12:23pm
Just give me a regular supply of Cheetos (the hard crunchy kind, not the puffy ones) and I'll provide this great land with an agricultural renaissance the likes of which God Himself has never seen.
Reply
post #44 of 109
10/20/04 at 12:34pm
Well she was fuckin a vampire in a pigpin. Chick had it comin I tell ya.
Reply
post #45 of 109
10/20/04 at 12:51pm
Can I be Secretary of Energy? Since they put me on this prescription speed, I've got more than enough for the whole nation!
Reply
post #46 of 109
10/20/04 at 1:12pm
Vice President. I've always wanted to be Vice something. I hope to be the Miami Vice President. One who brings back pink and white clothing. I promise you, my fellow Americans, I will do nothing more than what a typical Vice President does.


Watch your back Guttenburg. Bwahahahahaha!!!
Reply
post #47 of 109
10/20/04 at 2:20pm
This is my official application for Secretary of Cooze. I have access to a sprawling college campus full of delicious lassies and I possess the roguish charm and boyish good looks necessary to subjugate them.
Reply
post #48 of 109
10/20/04 at 2:27pm
Thread Starter 
Gist, you're probably my favorite youngun on the boards and from what I hear Ball State is full of trampy, attractive young women so you're definately in. Round up the co-ed trim & let's get the party started.

Kitty, you can certainly control the energy, though I'd like to see our resources going to something more effecient than energon. Playing nice with the Decepticons just to get cheaper fuel just isn't what I'm looking to do with this administration.

Boomstick, not only can you bring back the suit, I've already hired Phillip Michael Thomas to be your personal secretary and Jan-Michael Vincent to create your very own theme music.
Reply
post #49 of 109
10/20/04 at 2:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
I've already hired Phillip Michael Thomas to be your personal secretary and Jan-Michael Vincent to create your very own theme music.
Shouldn't that be Jan Hammer?
Reply
post #50 of 109
10/20/04 at 2:52pm
I should like to ask this candidate a few questions before he gets my vote:

Does he approve or disapprove of further scientific research into Gremlin rules?

Does he intend to legislate regarding the early termination of unwanted films by Uwe Boll?

What does this candidate intend to do regarding the imminent threat to this nation from Chthonic demons from the nightmare dimensions?

Thank you.

p.s. for some inexplicable reason i really hate the Gistmeister right now.
Reply
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Chewers Catch-All
CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › It's Official - My Campaign Has Begun