It's Official - My Campaign Has Begun - Page 2

We will be eliminating the human army for the less expensive Mogwai army. We'll keep them near the ocean for multiplication purposes, but we'll quickly feed them after midnight if our nation is ever in danger. This administration will protect its people first and formost.


Uwe Boll will be busy feeding Mogwais after midnight, and he'll also in charge of cocoon watch.

Have you even seen Gremlins?

I am still waiting on the status of my application to the position of head of the NEA.

Is there anyone you need me to attack?

Take over South America and give it to the porn industry, simple and efficient. You would just need a commitee of witty names to give it a cool moniker.

Will you respect the constitutionally protected seperation of State and Bruce Campbell?

You just got my vote GFC.

As head of the NEA, I will use my sizable power to give large sums of money to S.A.M.B.A. in the forms of "artistic grants." The very fact that the art of pornography is being given money by the NEA will thus legitimize porn in America's mind, allowing for widespread acceptance and commercialization. Can you say Jenna Jameson in Prime Time? I know that you can!

Oh hell i want in now. Living in London i can't actually vote, but i could become your ambassador for England. If i take a good run up i just know i could spit on France.

Who said I was going to play nice?

For Goldberg:

"Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House."

Will I be appointed NSA or will I have to run as the third party candidate?

Fuck you and the Bear draft.
I announce my intentions to run as the Independent party candidate.

Get thee behind me, bear lovers.

Looks like Anderson's got the big hairy gay men vote sown up. Do you think you can win without South Carolina?

I'm offering my services to either ticket as Secretary of Partying.

I'm anti-Bear, so I think that I can lock up South Carolina.

The Carolinas will fall before my promise to buy their tobacco surpluses. How else am I going to power my chain smoking simian clone armies?

Being the crackpot that I am, I promise to make outrageous campaign decrees. Like my plan to close the ozone layer hole with peanut butter. And, my demands for the absolute surrender of Santa Claus and his Fortress of Solitude.

Would you be willing to take a position as Secretary of Keeping it Real?

Any chance I could be made Secretary Of WalkandTalk, as seen on the West Wing?

Oh, that means you are against the bears. I see now. Bloody politicians and their double speak.

I'm not sure the bears will take it that way though.

Coming out publicly as "anti-bear" is like committing political seppuku. Typically, would-be politicians tend to skate around bear issues, seeking to appease the furred population without making any inflammatory statements that might piss them off and send them into a wild, flesh-eating berserker rage. See, the difference between bears and other lobby groups is that instead of peacefully rallying and chanting outside of your offices, bears will claw your door down and eat your face off without thinking twice about it. How Anderson could be so blind to this is absolutely stunning and this will doubtlessly come back to bite him in the ass (LITERALLY) in the polls. I'd be shocked if half of his proposed ticket isn't being digested by grizzlies come November. Bad form, sir. Bad form.

EDIT: Actually, I'm not surprised at all to see this kind of short-sighted, reactionary behavior out of Anderson. I mean, this is a guy that goes behind the CHUD administration's back and participates in seedy, back-alley drafts that are only a notch above cock fights as far as sportsmanship goes. I think this fella has a bright future as the Secretary of Returning the Kegs So We Can Get Our Deposits Back in the GFC administration.

You people and your power trips.

The people will be heard! Bears can't talk! I am Spartacus!

Healthcare? Bah!

We have clones to solve healthcare. We move brains, not Blue Cross plans. Hookers? You've never had a prostitute until you fucked a Sexbot.

Vote Freak! Vote Anderson!

First Steps as Secretary of Education.

1. All references to Alabama in textbooks will be changed to Earl's Landfill.

2. Algebra replaced with classes on how to manage chackbooks, not get fucked by taxes and credit card debt, and how to close on a home, finance a home business, and how to sock away money for that surefire harassement suit.

3. More P.E. classes. No one should look silly throwing a baseball, football, or midget.

4. All schools named after fallen leaders and local heroes renamed to represent supporting characters from Albert Pyun flicks.

5. Every school to have a Starbucks, a Caribou Coffee, and a Seattle's Best to showcase the corporate structure through a common link. Also, each year a Mom and Pop coffee house will open in the school that has better service, better coffee, and a better atmosphere but will be obliterated before midterms.

6. Pep Ralleys will be voluntary. Orchestra will also include teachings in hip-hop, jazz, funk, metal, and recording and mastering of audio.

7. The FCA will be done off campus and not regulated by the school.

8. There will be no A.P. classes, but rather the people who would be in A.P. would assist the less priviledged members as the courses will be much more difficult under my tenure.

9. There will be a class devoted to raising pets properly. Fish, mammals, and reptiles. Failure in this class will result in expulsion.

10. There will be no custodians or janitors. The clean-up at all schools will be done by the students. Third period is "homemaking". This is when the lunch food will be prepared by students under supervision by restaurant cooks employed at "dinner only" eateries. They will be paid a tidy sum by our gov't budget. The cleaning instructors as well.

11. The P.E. classes will also focus on how to not be fat. Nutrition. Cardio.

12. Daily readings from early Marvel Comics will replace the Pledge of Allegiance.

13. There will be voluntary classes on religion. ALL RELIGIONS. Yes, including The Force.

14. Daily CHUD Man on the corner of each school.

I'd buy that for a dollar.

Before I went to Nick Nunziata's Droid Leader Zed's High School, I was hooked on crack cocaine and unable to breath because of the enveloping fat that was developing from eating and drinking nothing but Jaffa cakes and Sunkist Orange Soda.

Now, I am happy with my looks, can balance my check book, and I can name every Spider-Man villian in alphabetical order from memory.

Vote Guttenberg, because if you don't, your children will be fat, lazy, and won't know who Typeface is.

Just so you know, we don't hate fat people in our goverment but we would like to give our citizens the choice to choose excess, not be forced into it by society, their parents, and that crazy immigrant Frito Lay.

If you want to pass back-channel CIA funds to fund a coup in the UK, with me as assassin and CIA asset who you install as Prime-Minister for-life, I certainly wouldn't mind.

You're almost there, Mr. President, but let me suggest "Pyuniversities."

Being a Vice President, I still have nothing to do.

Maybe I can be the guy who changes the daily Chud Man on the corner of each school.

Fund my revolouion and you get all the North-Sea oil you want, plus 50% from reopened coal mines. I don't give a fuck about resource management, I just want to run the country's football with an iron fist.

Secretary misfit almost has it. It just needs one little tweak to really sell to the public.

As of his first week in office, if the President signs this landmark legislation as expected, Pell Grants are no more. My fellow citizens of the Pyunited States of Omega Doom, say hello to Richard E. Grants.

You are truly a dear friend.

Could i suggest a few more imporvements to the White House?
The Rosebowl Garden and the Anal Office.

You could pay for the improvements by charging for the Lincoln bedroom by the hour.

Indeed it is.

I would like to offer my services to Guttenberg's ATF. Specifically, I want to head up an elite specialist division devoted to matters involving Mickey's malt liquor, Phillie's blunts, and Goddamn Hand Cannons, tentatively called the McPhillie-Goddamn Task Force Choke.

Oh GFC, i was really counting on you splitting the obsessive self-abuser vote from the overall Bush vote, but no. nothing.

Oh GFC, yes i would like fries with that.

Those things in McDonalds aren't chips. chips are made out of potatoes.

I'm really sorry about the election GFC. there's always the small african dictatorship option.

Man GFC I wrote you in but being in Texas I don’t think that it mattered. My only hope is that you got enough of the vote percentage to get your party recognized for the next elections.

I have the election machine thingy in my district...you can't write-in here...

You pull a lever...

...I hit the straight party ticket...

hehehe