I will solve your problems

The combination of a VERY slow day in the office, and Sammy's Q&A session has inspired me to throw my hat in the ring as well.

I will take this opportunity to demonstrate two of my most prominent features.

I will showcase my astounding acumen as a problem solver and I will also show, without a doubt, how tenuous my grip is on mental stability.

It's a two for one show, get your tickets now.

So, if you have a problem, big or small, post away.

I will solve them.

I'm just that good.

Ah, very good start, my friend.

See, you state that your problem is marrying a stupid woman. While that SEEMS to be the issue it is much deeper than that. As a professional, it is my responsibility to not simply "slap a band-aid" on what is perceived to be the problem, but to get to the root, and solve the problem outright.

I have a few ideas.

As to the band-aid issue of reconciling the problem.

That's easy. Drink heavily. very heavily. Do this for about 2 months. When it starts effecting your daily life, explain to people in a very ashamed manner that you have "fallen off the wagon". Explain that it was this very thing that led you to the poor decision in the first place. Then, you stop. You become a beacon of humanity again and let everyone know that once you "got straight, you see the error of your ways", as you did before. It was this spotlight of sobriety that led you to the divorce in the first place, because of X,Y, and Z.

Now, you have accomplished 2 things with approach. The "down and out guy" always get friends in his corner, so that's a little boost. You can also use your "impaired judgment" while messed up to besmirch your ex and spread all kinds of crap about her. This will eventually get back to the courts, as you call these people for witnesses. So, in short, you get to party your ass off for 2 months, get the sympathy vote, AND bring down your ex in the process.

It's a win-win.

As to the deeper root of the problem. It seems to me that if she were to meet with a terrible and tragic accident, you would no longer have to worry about custody issues, court fights, monthly payments, or being a bad parent, because you would be the only game in town. So to speak.

Try the opposite approach.

Force yourself to smoke 5 packs a day. Something like 5 smokes at each break. Force yourself to do this. After a few days, you will find the habit revolting and have no choice but to throw the things away.

Barring that. Some time, late at night, burn your fathers business to the ground. Convince him to take the insurance money and retire.

This allows you the freedom to leave. Your father gets to step back and relax for awhile. All the little people suffer no punishment.

In the vein of "keep up appearences" this is an excellent idea. You have taken the pebble from my hand. Go forth and do great things.

Grab a ball point pen. Quickly, and with great force, jam the pen through the flimsy top of the can. Then, insert a straw and enjoy the pudding.

This will also eliminate the problem of later having to wash the spoon, nor do you have to worry about knocking the pudding over and spilling the contents or getting bugs in the pudding as it sits.

It also works great if you like to eat pudding while driving.

The force is strong in this one.

There are several options depending on the desired end result you seek.



If you wish to simply stop getting stressed, start smoking LOTS of weed. That helps.

If you wish to stop having so many things to do, feign continued incompetence. Not enough to get you fired, but enough for people to stop making you the "go to" guy. (See Wally in Dilbert)

If you wish to stop having an office, please see the earlier response involving the fathers business.

If you wish to stop sitting at the computer you can either destroy the chair, the computer, or both.

If you wish to stop spending so much time on the net, you can set an egg timer. A very loud and annoying one. Set it to say, 10 minutes. Surf away, but when it dings, you are done. (One with a flashing light, alarm, and TASER attachment seem to produce the most consistent results)

If you wish to avoid the work piling up, simply replace your "inbox" with the garbage can. People will get the picture.

As you did not specifically site what the "flaw" was, I took the opportunity to provide several options. Please choose the best for your given situation.

The final, and most drastic solution is to do a search for all posts by Seabass Inna Bun posted on the politics forum of this board. FORCE yourself to read as many as you can. This should cure your desire to spend so much time here.



***** WARNING***** This drastic measure may cause you to never again seek out the enjoyment of the internet, for any reason, ever.

NO!!! NOT THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION!!!

This is actually a very easy issue to deal with.

One option: Take advantage of the Friday afternoon office doldrums and spill something all over yourself. (Coffee or Coke works well for this), then use that as an excuse to leave the office early to "change clothes". Enjoy the colonic eruption on the privacy of your own "lazybowl".

(This option will also allow you avoid not only the "skidmark" but the tell tale olfactory clues that accompany it)

Option two: Walk to another restroom. (However, I do not recommend this option, as it to closely resembles real work, and that should be avoided at all costs)

Option three: Take this opportunity to squeeze it out in the restroom, but catch it on a paper plate. cover the plate with paper towel and tape it down to keep from prying eyes. Sneak it into the freezer and leave it until just before you go home. Find a time when you can retrieve said plate and place it somewhere near or under your bosses or disliked coworkers desk for the weekend.

This will prove a lot funnier on Monday morning when you come into work.