I'm cleaning out miscellaneous jokes that I've received via email that I want to share with Chewers. Feel free to add your own.
This first one, hopefully, hasn't already been shared.
Go to Google and type the words ..weapons of mass destruction..but instead of hitting GO, click on I'm feeling lucky. The words "these weapons of mass destruction cannot be displayed" will appear, but......KEEP READING!
GEORGE CARLIN ON AGING:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
THE GENDER OF NON-LIVING THINGS
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example...
1) Ziploc Bags -- They're male because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They're female because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- male because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- male because, to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- They're female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- female because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- female because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
This first one, hopefully, hasn't already been shared.
Go to Google and type the words ..weapons of mass destruction..but instead of hitting GO, click on I'm feeling lucky. The words "these weapons of mass destruction cannot be displayed" will appear, but......KEEP READING!
GEORGE CARLIN ON AGING:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
THE GENDER OF NON-LIVING THINGS
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example...
1) Ziploc Bags -- They're male because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They're female because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- male because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- male because, to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- They're female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- female because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- female because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
