The Random Joke Thread

Chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken says, "Well, I guess that answers that question."

2 guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

3 ducks walk into a bar. The bartender asks the first two what's up. "Oh we're great, we've been jumping in and out of puddles all day" He then turns to the third who says : "My name's Puddles and don't even fucking ask how my day's going."

Q: Why did Michael Jackson call up Boyz II Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get sick?
A: He ate a six-year-old wiener.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson check into the Betty Ford clinic?
A: To cure his 14-year-old crack habit.

Q: What do Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson fucked littled boys.
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Q: Why did the blonde fuck a Mexican?
A: Because her English teacher told her to do an essay.
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Q: What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One's a snack cracker and one's a crack snacker.
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A dyslexic walked into a bra.

Q: What do Siegfried and the tiger have in common?
A: They both know what Roy tastes like.

Q: Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he had an STD?
A: Turns out he was just allergic to wool.

Guy #1: "As soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip off my wifes panties!"
Guy #2: "What's the rush?"
Guy #1: "The freakin' waistband is killing me!"

Steven Seagal is still making movies.

How do you know if your butt is broken?
It has a crack in it.

(My 3 year old loves that joke)

What's the difference between girl bunnies and boy bunnies?
Cotton balls.

What's the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snow balls.

Little meek accountant gets busted for tax evasion. He gets the book thrown at him and is sent to prison for 6 years. He is terrified, because he knows what the prisoners do to people like him.

Guards take him to his cell, and when he arrives, he sees the largest, meanest man he has ever seen. He stumbles into his cell and sits on the bed.

The cellmate says, "which one you wants to be: the husband or the wife?"

The little man thinks that perhaps this wont be as bad as expected. He stammers, "I'll be the husband."

Cellmate says, "OK. Get on over here and suck ya wife's dick."

An old hippie's walking down the street, when he trips over a magic lamp. The top comes off, and a genie bursts from it. Genie comes down, says "Thank you so much for freeing me. Whatever you need--money, women, fame--I can do." The hippie shakes his head and says "Material possessions are what the Man uses to keep me down, man. I just wanna be stay uptight, outta sight, and in the groove."

The genie nods, snaps his fingers, and turns the hippie into a tampon.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in and one to suck my dick.

(FYI, I'm a girl. It's funny. Tee-hee.)

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Cos she had no arms.


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cos it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Cos it was stapled to the first one.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
...Peer Pressure...

A boy finds a welders mask one day and begins wearing it everywhere he goes. One day he's walking home from school and a man offers to give him a ride home. The boy hops into the man's car and the two strike up a conversation. The man talks to the boy and starts asking him questions. "Have you ever heard of fellatio?", the boy replies "No", "Cunnilingus?", "No", "What about ejaculation?", the boy lifts up his welder's mask and says to the man "Ya know mister, I'm not actually a mechanic."

Three women walk into a bar. The first says "Look at my fantastic breasts", the second says "Hurrah! We have colonised a male dominated joke format" and the third says "Yes, but this is a hollow victory as the joke is still being told by a man".

The magic tractor went down the lane and turned into a field.

Two Native Americans are standing outside their tepee. The first says to his friend, "Screeching Crow, how did you get your name?" His friend replies, "After I was born, my father looked outside our tepee and the first thing he saw was a screeching crow. Why do you ask, Two-Bears Fucking?"

A joke walks into a bar with a really small piano and asks for an innuendo. the bar man says "why...the long face?". The joke wees in his face while shooting a panda with a mexican. the Irishman carries on drinking.

Unfortunately I didn't come up with it myself, but rather, stole it from the marvellous Bill Bailey who I was fortunate enough to see live last week.

Hey agent, I don't get that joke. I've read it 6 times now and I just don't get it. Please explain. man telling it? joke format? wha??

how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
- wardrobe

what's brown and sticky?
- a stick

They say that if you have to explain a joke, then it isn't funny.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but damn if I know how they got in there.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce. Mickey's lawyer starts his argument, " Your honor, my client seeks divorce due to his wife's insanity." Mickey angrily interjects, " I never said that, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Two muffins are in and oven, one muffin turns to the other and aks , "hey, is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns and says," HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!".

A little boy walks up to his father and asks "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?" "well son, go to your mother and ask if she'll screw Bill Clinton for a million dollars, your sister if she'll screw Brad Pitt for a mil, and your brother if he'll screw Tom Cruise for a mil, then tell me what they said. The boy does so, the mother says okay, the daughter says hell yes, and the brother says I guess for that money. The boy goes back to his father. " I think I've got it. Potentially we have three million dollars, but realistically we have two sluts and a fag!"

Couldn't find the more recent joke thread.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- 9/11.

- 9/11 who?

- YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET

Best joke ever.

Q: How many Cormac McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

A: Two or perhaps three, approaching now, from beyond the tree in the long low light of morning. From some black place: a reckoning neither required nor bidden, a reckoning no judge could have ordered, but a reckoning nonetheless. One of the men carries a single glove, ready to grip the hot, bright bulb and twist it dead. The other two follow, smoking, and whisper about what is to come: the treacherous scramble in wet woolen darkness, the fight to fill that space with light. One of them, the youngest, cradles the thin bowl of glass in his hands like a baby foal born too soon―partly out of gentleness, partly as if to shield it from the mare’s desperate inquiring eyes.

The men walk to the bulb. The Remover’s shadow blackens as he approaches it. A quick unnatural lunge.

Then all is dark.

 

http://yourmonkeycalled.com/post/4443043602/q-how-many-cormac-mccarthies-does-it-take-to-change-a

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

 

Dr. Dre

Q: What's an activity 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

 

A: Gang rape.

I remember posting it in another thread, but I'm reminded of...

 

Q: What has 8 hairy legs and scares little girls?

 

A: Gang Rape

 

 

An old chestnut...

 

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?

 

A: The grip.