Best real-life quotes

I'm a manager with Barnes & Noble. One of my employees, to my deep displeasure, has almost NO book knowledge. The other day he was trying to find a book by John Steinbeck called "Of My Cinnamon".

"No, seriously. The Muppets are what a deep conversation between retarded people would sound like." - My best friend

Good Thread!!! Some quotes I've heard:

My dad, who was drunk, gave me some good advice when it came to love and sex and relationships:

"Wade, stick it where you want but just be careful"


Other ones I've heard:

"Why does the sun make it so hot when it's so small?"

"Can I get some money? I have an emergency - I have to go to Kentucky's for lunch."

Not a quote, but something stupid that happened:

My uncle, when I went to a newspaper website and he said "print that out" and I printed a sheet and he said "What's wrong with it?" because he thought an actual newspaper would come out of the printer.

I have lots of stories like that unfortunately...

http://www.drunkandretired.com/coralquotes/

A friend of mine used to work at a tech company called Coral. Here are the collected quotes from those days. Some of them are obscure programmer humor, but there are many gems.

examples:

cote: "Do we have ncftp installed?"
mray: "Why would you want that?"
cote: "Cause it'll keep bangin' on an ftp site until it lets me in...kind of like I do with the women..."

matt: "Most games are repetitive, that's why I don't play many."
cote: "Except the game of pimpin'."
mray: "But that gets repetitive: 'Pimps up, ho's down! Pimps up, ho's down! Pimps up, ho's down!'"

"If you give a million dollars, you could get a sausage."
--zane on alumni association

"That's one of the best parts of any movie: when a Wayans brother dies."
--scottd

matt: "I can't believe people fall for those [televangelists]."
mray: "They're looking for answers...afraid of death..."
matt: "Well, can't they just find it at the bottom of a bottle like everyone else?"

matt: "Coté, do you take a bite out of Crime?"
cote: "If the Crime doesn't come to the table sizzling in a skillet, I can't be bothered."

matt: "I rock the casbaugh. Do you fear my game too, Cote'? Bwahahaha! (OK, that's enough of competitive matt for a while)"
cote: "I fear only wild game that's been mutated by leaked nuclear waste and then used by large, beetle like aliens to rid said large, beetle aliens new home -- namely Earth -- of its previous inhabitants -- namely us. But most other types of 'game,' perhaps even including you...I'd have to say, 'No. No, I do not fear them.'"

"Well, you know what the 9 month anniversary is: the multi-angle anniversary."
--mray

"I'll tell you what: soon as I git me a million dollars, I'm gonna git me a midget."
--zane

cote: "I'm a long time coffee drinker, Kinman. I can take it cold, or hot--"
matt: "As an enema"
cote: "--or dripped off a breast."

"New Resume item: September 8th, 1987 to Present - Looked Really Hot."
--cote

"Feel Starro's love, you SONS OF BITCHES!" - My friend Jim, during a game of Smash Bros.

"Ummmm...can I like...get a double rye and whiskey?"

- My friend recently at a bar

One of my favorite quotes:

"I'll try my best, but I'll never be as good as you think you are."

"I felt out of place without a baby in my arm and a cig in my hand." Me talking to my brother and his wife after a recent family gathering.

"'Cuz you know guys, the average penis size is 11 inches." - a female friend during a drive into the bronx

"dragonflys are carnivores, and they like to take bites out of people" - a really sheltered co-worker who believes everything online to be true

Dumbness abounds

While walking around our apartment complex retention pond my former GF looks at the fountain and says.

"How come the pond doesn't get any deeper with all that water coming from the fountain?"

I should have dumped her dumbass right there.

"I'll put you out of my misery." - me

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do... which pretty much leaves it open to anything!" - me

-rwmega

I can't end a message about quotes with a quote!

"I've never see a puss before, can I see yours?" (she then showed me her puss

my friend: "Maybe if you weren't wearing those sunglasses inside you wouldn't have dropped that"
me: "Maybe if your dad's condom hadn't broke you wouldn't have been born."

from my siblings:

"If you're going to do something, might as well make it posthumous."

"If you bleed me, am I not a prick?"

“I can see you wield weapons forged from irony”

some of mine:

"That's the way of the world... One day you're licking ice cream off a million dollar prostitute's nipple, and the next you're drinking zima off a gas station bathroom floor."

"It's the best thing since sliced beard."

“This is a transition period for me. I’m between haircuts.”

Chris : "They were all over the place."
Reed : "Yeah, they were all clumped together in duos of three."
Me : "Duos of three?"
Chris : "Duos of three?"
Reed : "I rock the English language."

"here, just....measure your dick against my vibrating toothbrush!"

I gots me a couple

My uncle was telling me a story about his salesman cousin who was lecturing him on something and my uncle told me that he wanted to say to his cousin: "Save that talk for making the bucks cause right now your just making the fucks"

"Sit down and let me tell you a story.........Once upon a time.............shut the f up.........The End"

If someone in my circle of friends starts smarting off you can usually hear one of these comments:

Getting a little sassy with the mouth are we? Someones been at the sass pot a little too long You over there baking some sass pies?

What in the name of sass are you thinking ? Sounds like someones got an ass full of sass

Better quit hitting the sasspipe so hard You sure are shoveling the sass today I'll pass on the sass thank you very much

You been running through the sassberry fields again?

One of my old junior high school friend was very paranoid about diseases. One day, she said to my sister-in-law: "I'm so scared of dying, what if I get diagnosed with prostate cancer"

That sass ish should be retired.

- rwmega

"She must be having a hell of a time getting through that book."-Thought to myself when I saw someone reading the 432-page "Overcoming Dyslexia".

Some from a few friends of mine:

"I'm like a religious swiss army knife."

"The little bugs scare me the most - cause, ya know - Hitler was a small guy."

"A curse on these loofahs!"

"We're so diverse, we're like a politically correct Guess Who game."

"Kid tested, mother approved! My college education has about as much relevance as a spherical cereal." (refering to her struggle to find a major her mom approves of)

*no alcohol had been consumed by the speakers of these quotes

My friend once asked the following: "Why is he called Batman? It's not like he carries around a bat or anything."

I also overheard some kid at Hot Topic saying "Anarchy is SO the new communism."

"Oh, you know what she's like. She goes through men like wet flies."

I swear a question mark and exclamation point appeared over my head when I heard that.


Part of a conversation my ex-girlfriend had with her daughter's new teacher when she moved to Connecticut:
I don't think your children deserve to go to an American school."
"Neither do I, but that's all you have here."

Miranda on being an artist: "Sometimes I'm so brilliant I blow myself away."

Amy on relationships: "You can't hit me...you're not my boyfriend!"

Kristen on dating advice: "Just be like 'Let's be art rock cinema fancy pals!' "

Matt on a couple who claimed their life was like a Disney movie (not a direct quote): "That would be like the Disney movie from Hell..the one where the paranoid schitozophrenic tries to kill himself, and then cons some girl into falling in love with him."

How I relate to my friends:

Me: "Do you want to go? I'll quit."
Dave: "Brendan's the Dick Cheney of our group."

Another conversation between me and Dave, this time, on relationships:

Me: "Dude, age does not matter at all. I've had a thirty year old woman hit on me."
Dave: "And that thirteen-year-old, that one time at the beach!" (to quote Dave Barry, I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP)

The social circles I tend to travel in--this time, on Michael Mann's 'The Insider':

Abby: "Brendan! Look, Maggie Walsh!"
Me: "Yeah, Lindsay Crouse--she was married to David Mamet for a while."
Abby: "But before Rebecca Pidgeon."
Me: "Obviously."

Also, I'm a big fan of the quote in my sig, from me, but I'm adverse to quoting myself.

My girlfriend goes a bit crazy in the head when she's ill. Examples:

I'm off to an unnamed fast-food outlet and she offers to help pay

- Numbers!! Monetary!!! (she points to a small pile of cash on the desk)

Also she becomes incredibly easy to deceive

- So you're telling me canteloupes are antelope eggs? I never knew that!


Also a few fom my friends

Andy: I've not laughed that hard since Brooks showed me the penis tanks he made for Red Alert

and

Greig: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

My friend and I had this exchange one night, many years ago. We were in a bar, in a booth, ogling and commenting on the women. Neither of us single, but out drinking and laughing and enjoying the rare chance to talk like pigs. We both noticed this one beautiful young woman leaning on the bar across the room from us, one foot on the footrail.

"Oh man, would you look at the way she's cocking her hip like that?"

"I love the way she's cocking her hip."

"Man, that's a great cock."

"I love that cock."

"That is one beautiful cock."

"..."

"Shit."

"Oh, Jesus."

"No one heard that, right?"

My own sickness and heavy cold medication induced gem. I was in bed with a major case of the flu, running a high fever, and took way too much Ny-Quil than is probably healthy. I spent about thirty minutes having a deep conversation with a statue of Batman that I had in my dorm room, and my roommate walked in on me. He started to say something, and I interrupted him, saying:

"No, not now. Batman makes an excellent point."

So I’m a glorified bus boy for those who don’t know (I mostly am a bus boy but I have to bring out drinks so that the evil corp. I work for can pay me circus peanuts) Anyway I had a customer complain that it took me too long to get her drink (which was a coffee). She hadn’t been there longer than 90 sec. either way she actually said
People I work at a salad buffet

My friend, his dad, and me went out to eat one morning at Denny’s and we all ordered some version of the Grand Slam breakfast. After and eternity our waitress finally was bringing our food out. However we were seated in the back section, which used to be the smoking section and it had these swinging doors, which the waitress was having trouble with. When she finally got through it was using some spin move, at any rate it caused the try to rock too much and she couldn’t control it and everything just crashed to the ground. There is food and broken glass everywhere, the waitress apologizes and goes to reorder our food and get a broom. I look at the wreckage and comment that I don’t see my English muffin. My friend peers over me and goes…

On Britney Spears's 'Crossroads':

"This movie is inappropriate for people"--Natalia

My dad made a joke, my nan didn't get it:

me: If only you were a few inches taller it might not have gone over your head.

Dad nearly choked on his wine he thought it was so funny. She's my Nan from my mother's side so my dad's always cracking jokes at her expense.

Couple of months ago, my brother, his best friend and I were watching Spider-man 2 till we reached the scene when Aunt May was moving out of her house. Peter offered to help but she assured him "Henry Jackson from across the street was helping her", then this little kid showed up and Peter was all "That's Henry Jackson?" with awe and surprise in his voice.

My bro: "THAT'S HENRY JACKSON!?!?! THAT SHRIMP!?!?! From the way they kept talking about him, I thought it was a priest or someone of importance in this community!! Not a fucking kid!!! Screw this, when's Spidey gonna come back?"

From that day on, all three of us had a nickname for anyone whose hype outweighs his actual importance: "Henry Jackson".

So my brother is the really, really quiet anti-social type and we had this exchange last night:

Me: Did you fart? It stinks in here and it wasn't me.

Bro: Yeah, you like that?

Me: What the hell, how does a fart stink that bad and not make any sound? Even your ass is anxious and there's not even a crowd around.


ahhh, fart jokes.

The Smartest Person To Ever Exist during a discussion on the War of 1812 in my junior year history class in high school:

"They burned the White House down?"
Teacher: "Yes, Megan."
"Oh my God! Did they rebuild it?"
Me: "No, they pissed on the ashes!"

A little bit later in the year, while talking about pioneers, same person while looking at a photgraph of a frontier family from 1856:

"Did they have cameras back then?"

-----

Agent Danger and I while at lunch with a bunch of friends last semester:

(I had ordered a rather sizeable helping of chicken friend steak for lunch, which prompted the following discussion)
Agent Danger: Wow, I didn't know they made chickens that big.
Susan: Honey, that's not chicken.
Agent Danger: So what is it?
Susan: It's beet that's prepared like fried chicken.
Shana: But it's different from fried chicken.
Agent Danger: OK, so what's chicken fried chicken?
Shana: Chicken that is prepared like chicken fried steak.
Agent Danger: Which is, in turn, prepared like fried chicken.
Susan: .....and?
Agent Danger: So why isn't chicken fried chicken just called fried chicken?
Susan: I dunno, it just is!
Agent Danger: That's stupid.
Shana: ....!!!!

-----

My brother and I while watching Superman over dinner one night:

Andy: Damn, the Kryptonians were a bunch of morons.
Me: Why do you say that?
Andy: Cause all they had to do was look out the window to see that their planet was doomed.
Me: Well, if you look at their buildings, there don't seem to be any windows anywhere.
Andy: So...maybe Jor-El wasn't actually some genius scientist...he was just the only one who looked out the window.
Me: He went out for a smoke and went Oh, shit, we are so fucked.

I love that.

At a sushi restaurant, after I had just witnessed my friend return from the restroom only to do that awkward shuffle as he tried to get past two different waiters, I said, "For a moment there I thought you were reenacting Pearl Harbor through interpretive dance."

While riding in a car with my wife driving down a dark highway in northern Florida we had the following discussion (note: I am a native southerner, my wife is a yankee and unfamiliar with local folklore):

Me: You want to be careful driving down this road.

Wife: Yeah, I know, there might be deer.

Me: Not just deer. There are also bears.

Wife: Bears???

Me: Yeah, Florida has bears. Not big ones, but they do live in the swamps and woods and stuff. (note: this is absolutely true)

Wife: Oh God.

Me: And then there are skunk apes.

Wife: What????

Me: Yup. Skunk apes. You have to be careful around them.

Wife: Jesus!

Me: Oh, and chupacabra.

Wife: You asshole!


Funny. Almost all our trips have conversations where my wife calls me that. . . .

This one I loved because I got to take an old joke, and actually work it into a conversation:
Me: (while seeing my cat clean itself) Man,I don't know why I'm ever concerned about buying different cat food, considering how much he seems to enjoy licking his own butt.
Roommate: Wouldn't you if you could?
Me: I don't know, he's got pretty sharp back claws.

"You were a load that should have been swallowed." A friend's dad to my friend

A friend of mine: " You're having a beer, its 10 am?"
Me: "Best cure for a hangover."
Friend: "Do you have a hangover?"
Me: "No."

My junior year Journalism teacher told this lovely story of he and his friends taking a trip to Mexico.

In reference to a hooker he witnessed smoking a cigar with her twat he said, "She could cut more shine on a two-inch dick than a monkey can on ten-feet of roap. "

I have no idea what that really means, but 16 years later it's still funny.

Hahaha (the sound of me actually laughing out loud, while actually sipping champagne, because it is my day off)

Post of the day my friend, post of the day.

hahaha!

I overheard this in my Management class today. We were filling out evalutations and two guys in front of me didn't know our teacher's name. His name is Achilles Armenakis, which is probably one of the coolest names I've ever heard.

Guy 1: What's this guy's name?
Guy 2: It's like, Achilles Archimedes I think.
Guy 1: He must be Greek or something.
Guy 2: Yeah, I think so....

[One day my friend was complaining at an extreordinary rate, after listening to nonstop chatter]
Me: Woah woah woah, hop in a Delorean and back up a second.........

"I hope you get Alzheimer's and forget how to breathe."

"Have you ever shit on your cock before?"
"Nah, but once I puked on my balls."

Recent ones from my house.

A buddy and I were driving around this last Monday and he was telling me a gem a friend of his said back in his Marine days.
"She's so fine I would break her like a Twenty and give her change for a Five."
I have no idea what that meant but it sounded like gold.

And Eyeball Kid, thanks for the link to the Coral Industries page. I had checked that out about 5 or 6 years ago and had forgotten it. I do remember the Mr. Brown page. It made me want to try it, I figured if they drank that much of it, it must be good.

"He Bit off my dick and called me a spic." -My friend ad-libing to Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue"

I was setting at McDonalds today enjoying my Chicken Selects, when a woman walked by with two kids. A boy and a girl. The woman asked the young girl if she wanted an ice cream cone. The girl replied No. Who ever heard of a kid turning down ice cream?

quotes

Living in a dormitory...one comes across many interesting characters.

One night while enjoying a dinner in the cafeteria, my roommate was spreading some jelly on her PB&J sandwich. She looks up from the sandwich and says to me, "I really like peter butter." Freudian slip?

In January, some friends took her out for her 22nd birthday and she came back a wee bit wibbly in the knees. She climbed into bed, shed all of her clothes, and asked me to get her pajamas...more specifically she said, "Haley...I need my pants. You know the ones. I need them because they're like the ocean!"

A separate instance of brillance happened in writing. To help pay for my tuition, I work for one of the English professors and I grade essays, tests, and the like. The professor teaches a developmental English course for those students who are lacking in the verbal department. I found this in one essay, "That witch does not kill us, makes us stronger." In another paper, I saw, "The infamous basketball died today at the age of 55."

While trying to decide where to go for dinner last night...

G/F: What's that place that just opened? Pink Taco?
Me: I think you mean Maui Taco.

One of the guy's I was hanging out with at the mall joked about my friend's penis being too small.

"I would like you to know, that many had to unhinge their jaw to get my cock in their mouth"

An old lady passes by in shock by his statement and he walks away blushing trying to hide himself behind his Gap bag