Best real-life quotes - Page 2

20 Questions

While in APUSH one Thursday, we were playing a class game of 20 questions trying to guess the person (who happened to be an obscure fashion designer). My friend asked:

"Does he like SOUP?"

Is this your gay friend?

Yeah, it was him

We all went out for pizza last night and halfway through my friend starts talking about phone sex with necrophiliacs. My other friend (the one who spent the past month dressing like a pirate) interrupted her.

2nd Friend: How is that like, even possible? Do they take a phone with them to the cemetary and just shove it into the ground?

1st Friend: Don't be so negative. At least with rigor mortis they'll always be hard.

And last week we decided to watch I, Robot. During the scene where Sonny points a gun at the Smart Girl's head my friend Dan turned to me and goes "You know, he's very polite for a badass, gun-totin' robot that wants to rule all humans."

My roommate was watching Cops, and during the course of the show they showed an obviously disturbed woman pull a knife on some officers, who promptly jumped her and wrestled her to the ground. He thought this was hilarious, and said, "These people are so stupid. I mean, how smart do you have to know--"

He got really quiet after that.

No problem. And Mr. Brown is in fact great. If you have an Asian market in area, they should have it. Hell, they have it at the regular grocery stores around here now. I have to think that the Mr Brown page played some small part in its local popularity.

So the other night me and a couple of friends went to see Pauly Shore at the local comedy club. We arrived real early so my friend Pat could get his ticket because they don’t seat incomplete parties. Anyway we are there so early that the first show has just started so were standing out in front of the Comedy Club waiting and Pauly Shore comes out of his bus and walks right by us. I just nod in recognition and say hello, but my friend Pat I don’t know I guess he gets star struck or something says…
I immediately turned around and start making fun of him, I mean of all the things to say to Pauly Shore as he goes by…”How you Going”

“You Suck” would have been more appropriate

Some guy said recently that he went to see Pauly Shore at a comedy club.

Some guy payed money to see Pauly Shore.

The other day in my stage make-up class, the professor was highlighting a girl's face and non-chalantly said:

"Now, doesn't that make the labial folds just pop?"

My friend and I nearly lost it. The professor didn't get it.

A friend of mine, who is pretty quiet, slipped this into a conversation so casually that I started talking to someone else before I realized it:
"Yeah, well, you really haven't lived if you haven't roofied yourself at least once."

When I asked my brother, who suffers from nervous sweats, how his job interview with a federal judge went, he responded with my new sig. He actually got the job.

"I got a metal duckbill stuck in my vagina today.." -so said my ex when I asked her how her day was....

This one is getting "borrowed" for an away message.

My best friend can fall asleep at the drop of a hat and he has the bonus advantage of routinely talking in his sleep. I think my favorite instance of this is when he started yelling in his sleep "The defense isn't ready! The defense isn't ready! They're gonna roll over you like pre-processed cheese snacks!"

me: "That's my piece!" (in reference to anything i like, all my friends have started saying this).

me last Friday night at Applebees to a girl with no ass (while motioning towards her): "Squat thrusts.", her friend: "huh?", me: "Squat thrusts, she should do some, ya think?", her friend: "huh?".

Arron: "I can do all kinds of stuff."
me: "Yeah, your a jack-ass of all trades!"

Arron: "I spit on a Lexus!"
Kate: "And who the fuck is Alexis?"

Lemonade: "Mark Walhberg is my nigger!" (while watching I Heart Huckabees).

Lemonade: "Ah come on! Ladies love the Milkman!"

Lemonade: "I'd punch my grandma in the face to see Kill Bill 2 right now!" (during the credits of Kill Bill 1).

Lemonade: "You merciless salty dog!", and "Why are being so salty right now?" (people have started saying this also).

Marty: "What the fuck was wrong with that Napolean Dynamite kid?", and "Yeah I knew people like that, but they stopped acting that way after they weren't 7 years old anymore." (we disargee on the film).

me: "Big juicy motherfucker!"

me: "Ya you do!" (if anyone says anything).

Lemonade: "Wow, wow, wowy wow wow!" (from the movie The Rundown, this is sparked by anyone saying the word 'wow').

more to come...

i used to have a schizophrenic roommate that thought he was neo from the matrix . eventually i moved out cuz i found out they were spendin all my rent money on glass or something and the guys mom actually paid the rent. but anyway he came over to my friend's apartment one night after we'd just come down from mushrooms and he was like
"you wanna know about some divination sarah????
the all encompassing eye sees all"

oh and apparently we werent freaked out enuff so he calls my phone and says

"this is yr conscience speaking.out and about,Peace"

"It's so unfair...Paul McCartney gets to lick a nub anytime he wants, and I never have. I mean c'mon...is having sex with an amputee too much to ask for?!?" -- my friend Cory

I have a feeling the woman is talking about a trip to the gynecologists. Although most people call them duck lips, which is even weirder, as ducks don't have lips.

You might not think this is funny but my two friends I was with at the time thought it was. We were at a restaurant and I can't remember how it happened but the conversation topic became the uselessness of soft core porn. I said the following:

"You take your S.T.D.'s like a fucking man!"

My friends were laughing hysterically. Maybe it was the mood.

"I am sitting here thinking about nothing, so I can keep my mind of everything."

John: "Coke is so much better than Pepsi."
Me: "Oh man, I like Pepsi a lot more than Coke."
John: (Looks me up and down) "Fag."

Homeless lady with muscular dystrophy: I know I'm ugly, but I'll suck ya!

This comes from a phone conversation that I overheard outside a restaurant:

"Yeah, the DNA proves it. It's definitely him" ... (something on other side of line) ... "Don't worry, we've got his brother. We can use him as bait!"

Some guy named Greg regarding a past conquest: "She was about a deuce, deuce-and-a-half, and had pock marks on her ass. But I threw it in her anyway."

"I'll punch you until you look like Cher."

"I decided to do my project on teenage runaways...who get MURDERED."
"Well, that's a good top-"
"Fuckin' murdered!"

My mother is a never-ending source of hilarity:

"You know what they say, people shouldn't throw stones at houses with glass windows."

"Don't look at a horse with a gift in his mouth."

My mom also provides me with endless fodder

Me: "What are you watching"
Mom: "That new movie with David Anchovy"
(She was watching Evolution)

The first thing my mom said when introduced to a new friend of mine: "Hello. You look like a rat."

In reference to the recent cold snap, I've heard several people say, "It's colder than a witch's tit!"

Class act all the way, I'm sure.

Me: I'll have two slices of cheese pizza and a medium drink.
Anthony's Pizza cashier: ...in exchange for your soul.

I once said, "Sex is the most painful thing a person can experience."

I don't remember the context, and only remembered that I said it because someone wrote it down and reminded me a couple days later.

The following exchange made my month long stint at Burger King worth it:

Lateesha (black co-worker): Welcome to Burger King, can I help you?
Old man in flannel: Yeah, I'd like some milk.
Lateesha: What kind of milk?
Old man in flannel (raising an eyebrow): White milk. The ONLY kind.
Lateesha: Nuh-uh. There's also black milk!

Sadly, I don't know how the rest of the exchange went, I had to run in the back because I couldn't stop laughing.

In the Poconos (I don't know about elsewhere), this line is often completed as follows: "In a brass brassiere."

I was working on the weekly calendar in the office and there are things called "Telephonic Conferences" which I call Tel-Cons for short.

I was asking about someone's people and they looked at me.

"Tel-Cons? Aren't they in the White House?"

"No," I said "They used to be, in fact it was the Tel-Cons that led America to go to war in Iraq because Iraq had the BLTs. This is all detailed in that hard-hitting Ali G interview a while back."

"What's up? Doesn't my face hugger technique turn you on babe?"-my roommate to his girlfriend

"That sucks that jizz had to die, she was hot."-my cousin referring to diz(?) after watching starship troopers.

"Donnie has a gaping cavernous asshole."-me after waking up drunk to my shit talking cuz.

"Someeeebodiees Chineeesse."-Pretty racist. Don't ask.

"If you had a sack I'd lick it!"-drunk ass friend trying umm... to impress a girl.

It had been a long work day and I was called over to speak with some co-workers. Apparently I had been playing with my hair unknowingly and when I walked over they were asking what the hell happened. I then looked over at a mirror and saw what I had done. I turned around and said

"Just doing my Doctor Who impression."

Clearly no one got that one.

Walked past two inner-city born 'n' raised tough-as-nails security dudes today and heard this:

"What was the name of Gandalf's horse in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy?"

"I hate it when they come at me with the machines!"
- My friend Tara after being assaulted by a chainsaw-wielding maniac on a haunted hayride.

I don't know why, but I've always found this hilarious.

a friend of mine and i were watching a scene from silent hill where radha mitchell and jodelle ferland were driving through the night.

friend: yeah, i'd cum on her face.
me (deadpan): which one?

for some reason i had forgotten that it's somewhat inappropriate to have sex with 8 year old girls. we laughed for a couple minutes.

That reminds me. When I was waiting tables, I was joking a bit with a lady of about 55 and her 4 year old granddaughter. When I went back and starting putting in their order, one of my co-workers came over.

Her: I saw you out there flirting. I think she likes you.
Me: Yeah, she's all right, but a little old for me.
Her: Come on, she's maybe in her fifties. Besides, those older ladies could teach you a thing or two.
Me: I was talking about the other one.
Her: (starts to laugh)
Me: (continue working, not smiling)
Her: (slowly backs away)

soybomb43: I'm watching the Star Wars Trilogy for the first time in....many moons.
AgentPissant42: of endor/
soybomb43: Probably about, damn, near 7 years
soybomb43: a lot has happened to me in that time
AgentPissant42: yeah, i havent watched those bad boys in a long time
soybomb43: Ha
soybomb43: they start with episode 4
soybomb43: the balls they had
soybomb43: this text is too fucking slanted
AgentPissant42: hah
AgentPissant42: shut it off now
AgentPissant42: it gets weirder

"I can only listen to The Polyphonic Spree for so long. After a while, I feel like I'm snorting pixie sticks." --Agent Danger

I was on a cigarette break with two of my friends. The weather was calm and we just stood there quietly listening to the wind and the birds. Suddenly one of us broke the silence and an other one replied:

"You know, when I really fuck, the woman's just on my way."
"Yeah, but when I really fuck, my dick's just on my way."

We listened to the silence for a while and went back inside.

There was some brief chit-chat on what went on at the Johnson space center. I had remarked that astronauts are not armed with handguns. A co-worker then said "They have laser guns."

I then replied a bit too strongly I must admit and said "This isn't FREAKIN MOONRAKER!"

Not sure I'm remembering the girl's name right, I think it was Rachel, in any case she was meeting these two guys... overheard tonight at the Arclight:

guy1: "There goes Quentin [Tarantino]."
guy2: "And here comes Rachel."
guy1: "... and she's going to walk right past [Tarantino]."
guy2: "She doesn't even know who he is."
guy1: "Yep, walked right past him without even looking."
guy2: "Hey, Rachel!"