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Now for a more serious game

post #1 of 139
3/23/05 at 12:59pm
Thread Starter 
How many five year olds can you fight at the same time?

The rules:

* You're in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a school gym.

* You have no protective padding other than that covering the family jewels. The kids have none either.

* The kids have had two days training to work together to bring you down. Individually they're skilled for their age but still pretty easy to throw around.

* The kids are motivated enough to not be scared. They can't be reasoned with, they don't feel pity or remorse or fear, and they absolutely will not stop until you're dead.

* There is an endless supply of kids, they'll keep coming at you in ever increasing numbers.

So, how many could you take out before they overwhelm you?
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post #2 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:01pm
Equal number of boys and girls?
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post #3 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:04pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by L7 Productions
Equal number of boys and girls?
Pretty much so, but they arrive in no order.
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post #4 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:15pm
Probably six or seven before they swarm me.
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post #5 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:17pm
You're thinking like a blunt object, Helix.

Poke the fuckers' eyes out. You could get through hundreds.
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post #6 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:19pm
Thread Starter 
I think the danger is the temptation to put in some flashy kicks to the teeth. They'll look cool, but sooner or later you're bound to end up on your ass. And once they've got you on the floor ...
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post #7 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Clarke
You're thinking like a blunt object, Helix.

Poke the fuckers' eyes out. You could get through hundreds.

Well, I do have rather sharp elbows. I could probably cause some damage to their tender little faces and chests.
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post #8 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:24pm
None. The little bastards just wanted to hug. But they never stopped hugging till I suffocated from love.
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post #9 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:26pm
Thread Starter 
I reckon one could wipe out at least ten by picking a dead one up by his ankles and using him as a flail.
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post #10 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Agent Helix
Well, I do have rather sharp elbows. I could probably cause some damage to their tender little faces and chests.
Just grab one by the feet and start spinning...

Gah, beaten to the punch!
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post #11 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:29pm
This is a Flash game waiting to happen.
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post #12 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by g-dude
This is a Flash game waiting to happen.


or perhaps a film ... ? hehe that could be 2 hours of greatness
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post #13 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesstickles
or perhaps a film ... ? hehe that could be 2 hours of greatness
Only if they were zombie five-year olds.
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post #14 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:54pm
I'm thinking 38 before they swarm me.

2,739 if they're retards, though.
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post #15 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:56pm
This would have been a lot cooler to watch than the Burly Brawl.
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post #16 of 139
3/23/05 at 1:59pm
Fight Club 2: Kids!
Kids 2: Fight!
Cube Cubed: Ritalin!
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post #17 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:07pm
I love this thread.

I'd say around 50. They'd be fairly easy to dispatch while I still had energy, but once I started to tire out, that would be it. I could probably go all-out against them for 15-20 minutes but that'd be it.
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post #18 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:12pm
I figure I could take 50+ out right away, but then I'd need to rest, so I'd have to make sure as I destroyed the first 50, I'd also need to stack them to form a barrier between me and the rest of them. That way, they'd have to eat their way through to me. By then, I'd have my energy back, and I could take out another 50 and repeat the process. Of course I'd have to do this in a corner so 50 dead kids could build a decent wall around me.
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post #19 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:21pm
This is the best thread I've seen in eons.

With the first wave of kids, I'd drop them with some quick jabs to the nose and then "make an example" out of one of them. By that, I mean rip a femur and a rib-bone out and dual-wield them as a mace and a short blade. If I'm able to dismantle two kids at once with this strategy and stay mobile, I should be able to drop at least 100 before tiring and becoming vulnerable to the inevitable dogpile.
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post #20 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:22pm
This is just about the most disturbing thread I've ever encountered. Backing away slowly now...
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post #21 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:39pm
One kid with lockjaw could really fuck up your survival chances.

And if you could take a single weapon into the room, what would it be? (No refills, either--once your gun is out of bullets or your chainsaw is out of gas, that's all you get.) I'm thinking a decent sword would give you the best chance in the long run.
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post #22 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:42pm
I'd choose M&M's.
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post #23 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:44pm
Devin used to have a animated avatar on his boards that was a graphic representation of a very similar scenario.
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post #24 of 139
3/23/05 at 2:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater
And if you could take a single weapon into the room, what would it be? (No refills, either--once your gun is out of bullets or your chainsaw is out of gas, that's all you get.)
Cooties.
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post #25 of 139
3/23/05 at 3:00pm
Ten at best I think. The first few should be easy, but while fighting them you've already got some more merciless brats at your legs bringing you down hard. From there it's like getting eaten by a swarm of rats.
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post #26 of 139
3/23/05 at 3:21pm
well, the puching might not hurt much, but the biting, dear god the biting could be bad. i'm sure i can take done about 20 before i'm a gonner
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post #27 of 139
3/23/05 at 3:25pm
This whole scenario sounds like a slightly more hardcore version of what goes on at every family reunion that I've ever been to...so I think that I can very confidently say that I could, at the very least, dispatch 19 of those little bastards hand to hand.

However, if I could use a broadsword...or better yet, a mace...or maybe a pike...I could thoroughly tear those kids up.

think about it...a pike? just the scare factor would give me an edge...I'd level like 4 or 5 at a time.

I'm thinking hundreds if I could use a pike...
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post #28 of 139
3/23/05 at 3:28pm
I'm thinking I could do okay until they started biting. I imagine that being simultaneously bitten by twenty five-year-olds would screw you up bad.

And billylove, Slater, and Andrew Clarke made me laugh very hard this morning. Thanks. I needed it.

This is one of the greatest threads ever.
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post #29 of 139
3/23/05 at 3:49pm
It would probably work better as a line in a movie about a killer robot.
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post #30 of 139
3/23/05 at 3:56pm
Weapon of choice: Aluminum baseball bat. One of the shorter ones. I could probably get through three dozen or so before I became tired enough to be unable to hold them back.
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post #31 of 139
3/23/05 at 4:24pm
I still think some cold Hanzo steel would be better than a baseball bat. The bat would work wonders against their spongy little skulls--do five year olds still have soft spots? they do, right?--but only if you're swinging at full strength, and that's gonna tire you out quickly. With a sword, on the other hand, you could stab a little kid in the face without expending too much energy, and that's an advantage we should treasure in the coming Kidpocalypse
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post #32 of 139
3/23/05 at 4:35pm
Weapon of choice : A butterfly knife. Small, sharp, maneuverable. Takes less effort to wield than a full sword, and can do just as much damage to a toddler.
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post #33 of 139
3/23/05 at 4:37pm
Right now I'm thinking I'd want one grenade. So when they finally got me and pile up on me... I pull the pin and take as many lil' fuckers out with me as I can.
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post #34 of 139
3/23/05 at 4:52pm
Weapon?

Easy. A tranquilizer gun loaded with girl and/or boy germs.
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post #35 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:03pm
Agent, you're a disturbed bastard. But no more so than the rest of us. That said, I'm sure I could take at least a hundred. Their heads are small and soft, and my fists, fingers, and elbows are hard and fast through years of kung fu training. Unless I had a spear. Then not even I could count the number of dead bodies I would create.
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post #36 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:15pm
Sure, Slater, a sword would be more efficient . . . but you also run the risk of having the blade get stuck in bone, thus slowing you down. I tend to favor blunt weapons against larger numbers.

I may be thinking about this too much.
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post #37 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:24pm
We're talking about five year old bones here, not sturdy adult bones. I can't imagine it would take much more than a flick of the wrist to slice through a five-year-old's femur. And even if the sword did get stuck in bone, the child would likely be light enough that you could hoist him off the ground and batter the other children to death until his body fell apart. Then voila! You're stabbing again!
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post #38 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:26pm
I'd wrap my jacket around my left arm to keep the biters under control, while using my keys like spiked, brass knuckles in my right hand to punch the little f#ckers in the throat/eyes/temples. I should be able to slow them down with the pile of bodies and pools of blood around me to take out dozens of them before eventually being overwhelmed by that fat kid with the chocolate milk mustache...
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post #39 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:37pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Agent Helix
Weapon of choice : A butterfly knife. Small, sharp, maneuverable.
After stabbing kids at close range, hands get covered in blood, slip, and you cut your own hand. I like the sword idea, but I think I'd go with one of those fencing ones.
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post #40 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:46pm
Thread Starter 
Fitness is the issue here, and sadly, that's where my problems start and finish.

I'd like to think I could keep the roundhouse kicks going for hours on end, but in truth I reckon I'd be sweating like a pig after a minute and wheezing like a clapped-out Ford within two.

And those five year olds seem to have limitless reserves of energy. Even the tubby ones!
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post #41 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:54pm
I'm telling you...a pike...or at the very least some kind of light-weight (...I know that's a relative term in this instance) battle axe. You could just mow em down.
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post #42 of 139
3/23/05 at 5:56pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PsYcHwArD101
I'm telling you...a pike...or at the very least some kind of light-weight (...I know that's a relative term in this instance) battle axe. You could just mow em down.
How many battle axes were there in your school gym, eh?
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post #43 of 139
3/23/05 at 6:00pm
Pikes and spears are useless if these kids are coming en masse. You'd be trying to unstick one of the little bastards while his friends swarmed you.
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post #44 of 139
3/23/05 at 6:01pm
...why you gotta pick on me, huh?

everybody else is talking about weapons!

...jeez, it was brought up! I was just going with it...besides that'd make it more interesting.

.......5........why?
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post #45 of 139
3/23/05 at 6:03pm
Thread Starter 
If people continue to talk about bringing weapons into the gym I shall give the children adamantium teeth and a taste for testicles.

Now, let's get back to the subject of tactics. This could happen one day and you need to be prepared.
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post #46 of 139
3/23/05 at 6:03pm
A better question:

Which would you rather be forced to do--fight these hordes of five-year-old children to the death, or be trapped in an elevator with Barry Woodward for thirty minutes?
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post #47 of 139
3/23/05 at 6:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater
Pikes and spears are useless if these kids are coming en masse. You'd be trying to unstick one of the little bastards while his friends swarmed you.
...not necessarily...I mean, the Saxons did a pretty good job of keeping up with those skinny little Norman, sword wielding dorks...

I'm not talking about the Norman invasion of 1055...before that, when the Nordic ppl's owned everybody!
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post #48 of 139
3/23/05 at 7:47pm
Just about the only use I see for a pike is doing it one after another, toddler-kabob style. Of course, then the thing would be useless.

I'm definitely in the sword camp here. A bat would be nice, but imagine trying to arc it through a half dozen or more... at most, you'd get the first three. A sword, on the other hand... you could neatly decapitate the bunch of them.
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post #49 of 139
3/23/05 at 10:18pm
How rabid are these kids?

I can see taking-out 100 or more, but not if they're hopped-up super kids that require lethal dispatch.

Weapon of choice? Tree shredder!
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post #50 of 139
3/23/05 at 11:13pm
The ideal weapon would be a lightsaber. With even a limp-wristed 360 degree swing you could burn 10-15 of the little cunts out of comission.

I agree with Slater that the best real-world defense would be a light, razor-sharp blade. Although I'd strike a balance between the heft of a katana and the lightness of a butterfly knife by bringing this bad boy:



If it can take down dozens of Russkie and Viet Cong troops, it should do wonders against tender, underdeveloped children.
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