Now for a more serious game - Page 2

Agent Helix is a badass for suggesting a balisong, but those are only effective against people who'd be impressed by one's ability to do fancy tricks. Kids wouldn't care, so if you want a knife, make it a Ka-bar or something. Tanto style.

No fucking swords either, after the first couple waves, it'd start to dull, and would take too much effort. You can't just cut off someone's head, it's not easy. Cutting CORRECTLY is really hard to do (I can't), so you're best bet would be stabbing--but THEN you'd have to worry about the blade getting stuck in a kid's ribcage.

Personally, I'd go with a sledgehammer, a little one. Kid skulls are probably soft and easy to smash apart. So either that or a crowbar, which gives you longer reach, but you still run the risk of it getting lodged in someone's head. Also wear long sleeves so they can't bite you.


I feel dirty now.

You know what would be a great weapon? The severed head of the mother of the very first five-year-old to come through that door. And then you just hold that head up and say, "Anyone else got a fuckin' mommy?" And then when the crying starts, HEAD ATTACK.

THWAP. THWAP. THWAP.

So wait, has anyone made it clear whether or not the 5 year olds are zombies? Because zombie 5 year olds could get back up after being flung across the room. They also wouldn't respond to blunt force trauma, which would be a major factor with normal (evil I guess?) 5 year olds. I mean, you could knock them out cold with just a slap to the head. Of course, this only applies if the 5 year olds haven't been trained to cover the side of their head with their arm, bob and weave, pad jabs, slip, or other basic boxing techniques.

Edit- I read Geoff's rules again, and I'd have to say that most people could keep killing 5 year olds (snapping necks, etc) until they exhausted themselves. So in my opinion, it comes down to conditioning. This would be hard to train for, since finding sparring partners of the appropriate size could be very difficult.

That depends. Do I have a weapon in the elevator?

Fourth rule:

Edit: Was in response to slater's post. About the head severing.

Doesn't that rule pretty much describe children in daily life?

I think a combo of brass knuckles and a good length of chain would serve pretty well. The chain could easily get tangled around one of the brat's necks, who could then be swung into the next lot of attacking children.

And can you even guess what one good shot of solid brass across one of those fucker's thin skulls would do? Man, they wouldn't be getting up again.

I'd just go with two brass knuckles in that case. The chain seems like it'd be more trouble than it's worth, once more kids start getting involved.

Probably. Also, it'd be easy for them to get it away from you and use it against you.



What about a pair of spiked boots, like Boba Fett's? You wouldn't have to kick very hard to puncture a lung or two.

Bad idea. Hand weapons would be preferred, and it'd be the best idea to keep both feet on the ground and your center of gravity tight as much as possible. You're dealing with small people here, who could easily grab a lifted leg to topple you to the ground, effectively ending your existence.

Ya know, a lot of people have been saying that if you go down it's over. While I do agree that it's not the ideal position to be in at all I think I'd probably be able to get up at least once if I fell down. I have pretty strong legs and I think I could probably kick at least two off. I also wrestled in high school and I was always pretty good at squirming free when I was down. I could see myself flinging a bunch off of me from the ground. However, I'm in pretty terrible shape now, so I think I would be completely exhausted after that.

Right now, I think I could get about 25 before I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed. But if this was when I was in high school than I'd have to say over 100.

Swinging the kids into each other, like a flail, would definitely be one of my primary stratagies.

Are the kids dressed like little Agent Smiths?

From my experince with 5 year olds they are little grabbers. You might punch one in the face, but it would latch on to your arm. How long does Peter Stomare last against the compy's in The Lost World?

Kids are definitely clingy, if they are able to get within reach they're going to wrap around your legs, hang onto your arms, and bite anywhere they can. If you were using a smaller weapon you'd be covered in the little fuckers in minutes.

I like the idea of a sword or baseball bat best, it has length and you can do a hell of a lot of damage to quite a few while still keeping your distance.

I'd say with a sword I could at least take down eighty or ninety before being torn apart, unarmed it would be more like twenty to thirty.

A two-handed weapon is a death wish in this battle. You'll tire more easily, and your time between swings is going to be much longer than your time between stabs would be if you had a short, light weapon. The time between swings is crucial because you're vulnerable during your follow-through, and that's precisely when these little abominations are going to try to swarm you.

Keeping them at a distance is a nice idea on paper, but it's inevitable that they'll soon close the distance with sheer force of numbers. Plus, like others have said, it's most important to stay mobile and fresh. That's why you need something light that can deliver incapacitating blows in rapid succession with a minimal amount of effort. That's why you need a fucking Rambo knife.

You guys are thinking too small. There's only one way to do this thing: flamethrower with a full backpack tank. The biggest problem at this point seems to be the kids' increasing numbers, their ability to swarm, and their love of latching onto enemies' limbs and slowing them down. Thus, the best way to do this is to keep them back and keep them from gaining any ground. Once that gym door opens just blast the doorway and roast the entire initial wave before they can enter. And every time the fire starts to go away or they look like they're trying to charge through just blast 'em again. Just be conservative with your fuel and you could kill hundreds before switching to your melee weapon: the chain mace or the claymore.

Cheese-wire. Lop off limbs, kids go down, stomp their heads like the endoskeleton at the beginning of T2, on to the next batch.

Flamethrower? Are you kidding me? Look, go find a five year old and set him on fire, see what he does. They don't just fall down and flop around while they burn like in all the good movies--they fucking come right at you on fire.

The Rambo Knife, that's a good idea. Probably the best yet. Get your back in a corner and start stabbing like crazy and you could rack up 150, 200 kills without even breaking a sweat. Make a nice little body barricade, Saint of Killers style, which might even give you a chance to catch your breath before the next wave hits.

Dammit, it's so obvious. Nunchaku. They were originally created for this precise situation. Historical fact. Just remember to go for the necks with the blunt ends (not the chain), keep moving in a smooth side-to-side motion, and every once in a while do that whipping-across-the-back thing. Even demon children think that's pretty cool.

I thought about that earlier, actually. Maxi from Soul Calibur would probably be able to take out 500 of them with the 'chucks, but none of us could properly use them to the point where they'd be effective. One fuck-up, one mis-stroke and you're dog meat, pal. Or toddler meat.

A big-ass knife is best because the ease-of-use and effectiveness is unparalleled. A big, shit-sharp piece of steel is going to be lethal even in the hands of Terri Schiavo.

I'd bring a maths textbook.
Failing that i'd bring Slater. he seems to have the most experience.

Now these kids have been trained for several days, so we've got to figure they are going to use more than just weight of numbers. they are going to have tactics. All you people swinging your big swords won't be noticing the fuckers creeping up behind you. And they won't act like people in a kung-fu film - they are going to all attack at the same time. All you Bruce Lee wannabes might not last as long as you think.

Alternatively they may have been trained in psychological warfare techniques, where they stand just out of range and shout at you about Yu Gi Oh until you kill yourself, giving you a grand total of '0'.

Some of you are ging to go out like punks, i'm warning you.

This is near impossible to survive.... If there is one entrance to the gym, I'd take the rambo knife and grab the nearest corner or start at the doorway and allow myself to be backed into a corner. They can't attack from all sides when you've got wall behind and beside you. I knife with your back in a corner. The first ten will pile up nicely. Try moving out a ways every once in while so the successive waves have to walk over the others like a tire drill.

The bad thin about the corner though, your movement is limited and the effectiveness of your weapon might be lessened. So you are somewhat forced into having a small blade if you take the corner.

If it were alllowed, I'd have those forearm blades like whatshisname from Hellboy. The ones that come out from above the fist. Just keep doing left-right jabs and swipes with the arm, even someone out of shape could take a couple score.

I guess it would matter if the children were American or not. If these were kids from public schools forced to train, I would think that their ability to concentraite and remember their training during times of action would falter. But if we're talking Japanese kids, who've been conditioned to study hard and remember things, then that might give them an edge.
Yeah, I think if they swarmed a person, even one gifted with strength and speed that the child horde would overtake them quickly, especially if they came from the sides and back. I think a maximum of ten kids and then you'd be Play-Doh.

Not if you use the spear kung fu style. A good spear used properly is like a razor sharp knife on a long, light stick. Think about it, razor sharp steel blade on top of a waxwood staff. The speed and visciousness of a butterfly knife, combined with the distance and strength of a katana. Light, quick, and deadly. Throats would be gone in a matter of seconds. It would take training to use properly, but as I said earlier, I know how to use one, so I think I'd be a terrible force for any 5-year-old to reckon with. The only more effective weapon would be a lightsaber. But that's unrealistic.

Cheese wire requires too much precision, and, once again, suffers from the same deficiences of two-handed weapons.

A Rambo knife would work well, but stabbing takes more time than slicing does, which, when you have a myraid of enemies coming at you, you need to have broad strokes to eliminate multiple foes.



I propose a cutlass. A short, one-handed sword that is excellent at slicing. These were the preferred use of sailors in the 1600s-1700s because of their ability to be used effectively in short-range combat. You get a wider range of attack than a Rambo knife, and you have no disadvantages of weilding a two-handed or too-long weapon.

Also, you can yell "YARR! YARR!" while wielding it.

These two factors would make it really tough to hit double digits. If they have no fear of attacking you, and they've had two days of teamwork training to practice bringing you down, they'll make quick work out of just about anyone.

All they need to do is send two kids to throw themselves at you simultaneously from two different angles, one low and one high. If they get a running start, and wait until the last minute to jump (in case you try to dodge), chances are you'll stop one of them, but the other will likely slam into you. If you're not on the floor, you'll at least off-balance, and a second wave will make quick work of you.

With a running start, if one of them lands headfirst on your stomach, you'll lose your wind and drop like a bag of rocks. If they follow it up with a headshot, if it doesn't knock you out cold, you'll come out of there with a hell of a splitting headache.

Weapons might help you fight off part of the initial wave, and smaller weapons could be useful once you hit the ground, but they won't lead to triple digit killcounts.

If you immediately back yourself into a corner, you limit the kids' avenues of attack, but again, two days of training should prepare them for that situation. One kid attacks quick and low, shooting for your ankles, and the second you swing your weapon to kill him, another does his running kamikaze at your stomach or your head if you make the mistake of crouching to kill kid #1.

Kid casualties are unavoidable, but it won't take many to get the job done. Without weapons, most Chewers would require no more than 4-6 kids. With weapons, I'd bump it up to 10. A few of you might be able to get away from 10 kids, but 20 should be able to kill just about everyone, no matter the melee weapon. Guns with extra ammo are an obvious exception to the rule, but without cornering yourself, you'd still leave yourself vunerable to attack from all sides.

I think the trick really would be getting them right as they come through the door. If you back yourself into a corner, they'll just crush you with their numbers. Build a five foot wall of dead kids right in the doorway, though, and the kids will have to crawl into the room on their hands and needs. Not only would it slow down the attack, but it leaves them vulnerable in those first few minutes.

Fighting barehanded would be tough. It wouldn't take too many skullpunches before your knuckles were demolished, and kicks are obviously dangerous. Neck snaps might earn you a few badass points, but that's too time-consuming. A punch to the gut might hurt a kid, but he'll still keep coming. Your best bet would probably be short karate chops to the neck. It wouldn't take much pressure to crush a five year old's windpipe, which would drop a kid in a heartbeat.

Allright, say you had to be paired with another Chewer to face this onslaught of terrible toddlers? Who would you take with you?

I think the general best combonation would be a extreme close-quarters weapon (Rambo knife, brass knuckles) and a mid-range, single handed weapon (cutlass, nunchuka, bit a' wood).

The mid-range weapon could keep them at bay, and the close-quarters one would work to get the little bastiches off you if they grabbed on to your arms or legs.

He's an ex-Chewer, but I'd take Whitey Powers since I'd have no qualms about using him as a human shield.

I've already dibbed Slater. you can't have him.

Gist would be the one.

Blade had no problem using cheese wire with one hand.

Nice.

I'd probably take Whitehead. I have a feeling he's planned for this eventuality.

I'm thinking of that scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex comes through the wall and snatches the helpless Raptor up in its horrible, hungry jaws. So, yeah, I'm taking Countess Anna.

Now THAT'S strategy.

Well if slater's got his own plans i want one of two options:
1: KittyinJammies - who i'm guessing can control any five year old.
2: Copperlocke - who is either an alaskan survivalist or just a terrifying woman. either works.

She'd skin you alive before the first kid gets through the door.

Not a good idea to ally yourself with Skesis.

Ok then, if it's going to be my last few moments alive, could i bring Werewolf Girl?

Having Fett watching my back might not be a bad idea.

Yes. The person who is able to take out the most kids will be the person who can stave off exhaustion for the longest period of time. I think that, no matter what kind of weapon you have, even a well-conditioned person could fight at full capacity, non-stop, for no more than 15 minutes before being overwhelmed. And, based on the rules of the game, there will be no time to catch your breath. A large weapon would just tire you out more quickly. Take a baseball bat outside and swing it forcefully, non-stop, for a full minute. It'll wear you out. If I had to go with a weapon I'd take spiked brass knuckles or wrist guards -- something that would compliment my natural punches.

As for the Chewer I'd want in my corner...I'd have to bring back Cosmoline. failing that, Nick. At least I'd die laughing.

Nice one, He-licks.

You know it makes sense. That way we'd be set against children or Gungans.

At the very least, we'd get off a few good quips before death.

And especially Gungan children.

Realistically, you'd just start to get tired after twenty or thirty. That's when the little bastards get you...