Bad Jokes

Why does Snoop Doff carry an umbrella? For drizzle.

A man walked into a bar. The second man ducked.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

My friend claims to have made this one up:

What do you call a Mexican with a toe made of rubber?

Roberto

(it works best if you roll the "R" and say it with an accent)

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a while the barman asks "So why the long face?"

Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "What'll it be?" Grizzly bear says "I'll have a gin and............................................... ...................tonic" Bartender says, "Why the big pause?" bear looks at his hands and says, "I dont know, I was born with them."

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

Why don't blind people sky-dive? Scares the shit out of the dog.

Two peanuts are walking down the street, one is a salted.

One I got from The West Wing:
Three statisticians go hunting. They spot a deer and get in position. One statistician shoots and misses ten feet to the left. Another statistician shoots and misses ten feet to the right. The third statistician jumps up and says "Got him!"

Bwahahahahaha! This is my favorite joke ever. Hilarious.

Oh, I don't know, I think that I like "What were Mr. and Mrs. Johnson doing one night in 1960? Making Karen." better.

Anyone ever hear jokes as told by Germans?


Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

I really must use the word gravitas more often.

What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?

Aaarrrrrby's.

What's a pirate's favorite store?

Toys Aaaarrrrrr Us.

I've got a million of 'em.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink called Charlie?"

My new girlfriend is only two feet tall. I'm nuts over her.

A man goes to a pharmacy and says he's looking for birth control for his twelve year-old daughter. The shocked pharmacist asks, "Your daughter is sexually active?" The man says, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

That is just WRONG on so many levels.

Holy fuck that's hilarious, I'm going to be repeating these everywhere...in my cartoony Uwe Boll style German accent.

What´s funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

(i know.)

Ya hear the one about the Redneck that planted Cheerios?
He thought they were doughnut seeds.

A man comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing a suitcase. Confused, he asks her what she's doing. Upset, she says "I'm leaving you, Michael, I've heard rumors that you're a pederast." The man, suprised, raises his eyebrows and says "A perderast? That's a big word for an eight-year-old."

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.


What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground.


A man wakes up in the hospital after surgery. A Doctor is writing something on a chart in front of the his bed. The man tells the Doctor "Listen Doc, I can't feel my legs." Dr. says "I know, we had to amputate your arms."

Best. Thread. Ever.

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buck an ear.



Pirate jokes are awesome.

two parrotts were sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"

One of my friend's favorite joke of all time, although it's really his delivery that makes it.

Q. How many dead bodies can you fit in the trunk of a car?
A. Seven.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?" The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.

Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!"

Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time.

Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her a dinosaur.

Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap.

Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.

Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds.

Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections.

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

/With apologies to mamas everywhere...

I had a cousin who was a painter. He died recently. Fell 15 feet into a giant vat of varnish. It's pretty sad, but at least he had a good finish.

Pony walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Pony, you'll have to speak up, I can't hear you!" Pony says, "Sorry, I'm a little hoarse."