Dumb shit you've done

I once stood up the barber's daughter.

Too many things to count.

Was this before or after you were a recovering crack addict?

My best friend from childhood and I accidentally sliced the mayor's water pipe open.

We were in 5th grade and had just returned from a morning trip to a Native American exhibit with our Boy Scout troop.

Two neighbors who were older than us were attaching the little G.I. Joe men to bottle rockets and attempting to shoot them into the air. They eventually gave up, but gave us the slightly-melted plastic action figures and a machete. We were chopping away at it in my neighbor's backyard when his mother came out and told us to go across the street to the mayor's backyard. He lived on the next street over, but he owned a big field behind his house and the property backed up to our street.

We played in the field all the time, so my friend was chopping away at the action figure and he swiped at it and it flipped into the air over near where a PVC spigot came out of the ground. My friend went to swipe at the figure, but aimlessly swung the machete into the spigot and WHOOSH! He didn't physically cut the pipe in half, but he nicked it, so the water pressure caused the water to spew everywhere. We attempted to stop the water, but there was nothing we could do. We ran to the end of the street, crying our eyes out in fear and reported our mishap to his mother, who calmed us down and must've called someone with the city to have the water turned off.

That's all I remember. Nothing really came of the event. I don't really remember being punished for it.

There's a wetlands park in Orlando?

Right after 9/11, I called up my brother and had my iMac read off a bomb threat. Something about not being able to escape the eyes of Islam. He hung up before I could reveal myself and immediately called the cops, and the line was busy the rest of the night. Apparently a couple of blocks were shut off by firetrucks while the cops searched the apartment building, and most of the tenants were evacuated.

Man, I felt pretty bad after that one.

The father of a good buddy of mine was the captain of a fire station here in town. His platoon went for the lotto every week, and some years later he requested a transfer to the west end to be closer to home. His guys offered to keep him in the pool, but he passed.

They won a week later, of course. When it was all said and done, each guy got in the neighbourhood of $400K.

What pissed my friend off? They offered his dad an equal share, but he wouldn't accept it.

Kind of like the burger story.

My girlfriend and I were trying to get her god-forsaken grill to start so we could cook some steaks. It was the most convoluted contraption I'd ever tried to manage, and it was pitch black out.

However, I could just be an idiot that can't work a grill.

Anyway, we called up her Mom to see what the deal was with the grill. I had the propane lines open on full blast while she was talking to her Mom. I peered my head inside about six inches above the grill and stuck the long kitchen lighter inside... My girlfriend heard the *click click*

"No! Stop!"

FWOOM! Fireball to the face. I jerked my head back as fast as I could. My girlfriend screamed and hung up on her mom while I put out the fire on my hand. She started screaming at me when she saw that I was alright... I stood kind of dazed...

"Do I still have eyebrows?"

How can you stay mad at someone after that?

And I did still have eyebrows. Half of them anyway. Most of my bangs were gone though.

I wonder what her Mom must have thought of that over the phone.

We ended up going to McDonalds... Damn, I really wanted those steaks. Guess it's best not to tempt fate though.

I set my hair on fire, got so drunk I pissed and puked on myself in front of people I liked and respected, and flunked out of college, in that order.

That's the Holy Trinity of Stupid Shit for me.

I punched Gene Autry's stuffed horse at his museum for no good reason.

Years later I set fire to the GI Joe aircraft carrier while it was stored on my covered patio and nearly burned down my house.

I also in college I drove my damaged go-kart around the track two additional times when I knew damn well that debris was striking the tires and sending sparks into the uncovered gas tank. But that was during the time when human life meant little to me so I let that slide.

Owned a bb gun for a while. One night, a number of years ago (like 10), my roommate and I were shooting at apartments across the street. We lived at a busy intersection. Then we graduated to cars.
After a few beers I walked up to the side of the road and shot at an on coming pizza delivery car.

Minutes later cop cars and helicopters swarmed on our complex. We turned off the lights and hid. Spotlights came in through the window and scanned the living room as I hid up out of view on the staircase. They were stopped outside our complex on the main road. Policemen were walking the length of the apartments shining lights in windows. Wen we felt the coast was clear we changed clothes (in the dark), crawled out the back door, and went to a bar. Hoping that when we returned a few hours later everything would be back to normal. We got lucky. God that was stupid.

I once nailed an ordinary household nail through a kids tongue. He dared me to do it though, so I guess it was more dumb on his part.

The funny part was it didn't go all the way through the first hit, so he was sitting there yelling "hit it thwough! hit it thwough my tongue!" with a nail poking out of it. Good times.

This one time at band camp...

No seriously I was at band camp one year and I had brought a super soaker to terrorize our dorm. So anyway I'm trying to get people walking by my dorm and I'm shooting from the crotch and my friends with me are laughing their asses off. Well, one of the dorm montiors (a teacher) walkes by and I "Peter North" on him. He confiscates my hardware. That's the last I saw of that super soaker.

^^^^^^^^^^
Ah, band stories.

-on a band "seniors only" trip down to the Texas coast, someone brought a water ballon slingshot. We lauched balloons at the adjacent condos and generally were having harmless fun with it. Back on ground level, we set up an ambush for our Cary Elwes-like assistant band director. He rounded a blind corner, and we nailed him in the shin from about 15 feet away, leaving a pissed assistand director who had a huge bruise the nest day.
-band trip to San Antonio. We almost got kicked out of the hotel for a MASSIVE squirt gun fight that ranged over several floors.
-band trip to Six Flags in Dallas. Galleria mall. Dollar store. Squeaky hammers. A long bus ride home. Fill in the blanks.

Others:

-Joined band instead of the basketball team in high school.

-As a teenager, invented a game called "Hellball". In Hellball, you pour gasoline on a tennis ball, light it, and then kick it back and forth. Re-light as necessary. Best played at night at the neighborhood dead-end.

-Started an out-of-control fire in a playground trash can when I was 5 or 6. I just ran home. It was a metal can, so I'm sure it just burned itself out, but it was still freaky.

-Stabbed myself in the hand with a pencil in 4th grade (I was repeatedly punching the pencil into a wadded up piece of paper), leaving a blue dot in my palm that is visible to this day.

I pushed a knitting-needle through a coke can once, when I was a stupid kid. I still have the scar on my palm.

I majored in Film. Top that.

Was the dumpshit part the guy going out with a rifle drunk off his ass, or you guys letting him go?

I think it was his parents not using rubbers.

I majored in film and used my thesis film to make the Scorsese street film I knew I could pull off even though my life to that point had been spent on the mean streets of suburban Baltimore. If I'd been even halfway clever I would have saved the money and made a film from the audition tapes of all the DeNiro and Pacino wannabes who showed up to be in it and shot a documentary of them waiting between takes. That would have been an entertaining film that people would watch maybe to this day.

Instead I blew a golden opportunity to make something good and it took a while before I could get my creative grounding back.

Don't know if that tops, but I'd be willing to have a showdown over it.

When I was twelve, I left a fake kidnapping letter in an ATM vestibule. A whole bunch of units, local and federal, responded and I eventually got smacked with a criminal mischief complaint.

Also, as teenagers, we used to drop a bunch of acid and drive around in the early hours smacking joggers with a giant, inflatable corona bottle. No charges filed, but many duly deserved.

I camped out 100 feet from ESPN's College GameDay set the night before the Auburn vs. UGA game so I could be on ESPN the following morning. My friends and I proceeded to drink heavily. By the time morning rolled around I had one of the worst hangovers ever. I walked back to my car still wearing last night's clothes as crowds of people were rushing towards the GameDay set and arriving at their tailgating spots. I got home just in time to watch the show from my bed and see my friends live on national television.

Classic.

You're a shitty friend.