Tired Shit - Page 28

I got some really tired shit. Just because i'm a bit overweight every single person asks me" Was your New Years Resolution to lose some weight?" and to which I reply" Was yours to annoy the fuck out of me? Because if so, mission accomplished"

Anyone tweeting, texting, or dear god, saying "LOL." Knock that shit off yesterday.

You're a decade late with that one. It's part of modern language now, unfortunately. 

But it's becoming a nervous tick. People say that shit and I'm standing right there, I can clearly see you NOT laughing out loud. No one even remembers what it means anymore. And what do I care if you're LOL'ing? Why do people think that other people care to know that information? Not only am I going to like your facebook status, I'm also going to comment to let you know that I LOL'd when I read it? Fuck that, pick one or the other or preferably none at all. The self-importance of some people...

Okay, crazy person rant over.

Stephen Fry had a very intelligent and thought out theory on the evolution of language that sort of made me just let it slip. I can't find it anywhere, but it was good. Google? I'm lazy and on a phone.

Found it. http://www.stephenfry.com/2008/11/04/dont-mind-your-language%E2%80%A6/

The Terrible Twos.

FUCK.

Don;t get me wrong, when my two year old is on form she's the cutest thing ever BUT...

she can chuck a SEVERE wobbly at the drop of a hat.  Today's reason for a ten minute misplacement of plot was me remarking that her nappy was very wet.

I know it's all part of their learning their place in the world, pushing boundaries, that sort of thing but goddamn I cannot wait for this phase to be over.

On the flip side my I'm teaching my six year old to play the ukelele as a starter to the guitar.  She only knows 4 chords but she's already starting to write her own songs!  That shit is AWESOME to behold :)

(p.s. sorry to get all Knowles with the CAPS).

My wife putting our life on Facebook. People at work comment on me being in the dog house at home after an argument or ask why I'm being such a prick about something the wife didn't like. I have a friend who always does a daily Facebook check for me to see if the spouse posted anything cringe worthy. I beg her to stop and she does for awhile and then she hits her manic cycle again and the balloon goes up. Fucking Facebook. Fucking female co-workers friending my wife.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EdBighead 

My wife putting our life on Facebook. People at work comment on me being in the dog house at home after an argument or ask why I'm being such a prick about something the wife didn't like. I have a friend who always does a daily Facebook check for me to see if the spouse posted anything cringe worthy. I beg her to stop and she does for awhile and then she hits her manic cycle again and the balloon goes up. Fucking Facebook. Fucking female co-workers friending my wife.

Do you have a Facebook page?  If so, here's what you do.  Change your relationship status to single.  That'll teach her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reasor 


People who can barely use their email expect people who work with computers to be shamans. "Here, let me just drop my Server Totem and it'll clear right up."
My tired shit: Applying for VA medical care.
It's taken me until the midpoint of my natural life expectancy to admit that the alternating cycle of deep, morbid, depressive lows and restless, overstimulated, irritable highs that I've gone through as long as I can remember are more than I can deal with without help. It's impacted my ability to form and maintain relationships, my ability to perform at work, and my ability to focus on school work now that I'm finally pursuing a secondary education. I'm tired of sabotaging myself because the part of me that wants to die doesn't want me to have anything to lose. I just want to be in the driver seat instead instead of letting my brain chemistry have the wheel.
I've been filling out forms since the first week of December, and the fuckers keep kicking it back to me because they need more information. I haven't even spoken to a doctor yet, this is still the enrollment. Put everything you need from me on one form, fuckers. If there had been a gun in the house a month ago, my parents would have spent their holidays making funeral plans. Shit is urgent. Give me some tools to work with this thing while I'm still feeling jovial.

This. Sometimes the world moves far too slow for those of us in need of assistance. I wait like patience on the monument for things that seem to never come.

Tired Shit:  It was 45 degrees last night and raining. Woke up for work and it dropped to 17 degrees and snow. My son locked the car doors so they froze. Hot water is useless. I used the door lock spray I bought at Autozone and the locks laughed at me and stayed frozen. Broke out the extension cord and hair drier and voila 30 minutes later locks thawed. Started the car and badaboom 30 minutes later my car was completely thawed. Now I'm only two hours late for work.  The City is very skimpy on their road salt cause of budget issues so the roads going downhill suck. The roads uphill are passable for now. Happy Winter. Mazeltov!!

To go along with Ed's morning, people who drive 30 mph on a straight road because it's windy and the snow is blowing around. If you have a line of 30 cars behind you, move or drive yourself into the ditch because you are the problem.

People who jog at night and wear black or some other dark color.

I live near a lake, so streets with abundant street lights are rare. I'm driving to the gym, rocking out to "Purple Rain", and then OHMYGODYOUCRAZYBASTARDICOULDHAVEKILLEDYOU! Why don't they wear white? Or light grey? In fact, its too cold to go jogging outside at 9 o'clock at night! I think he wanted to die....and almost gave me a heart attack in meantime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamnDirtyApe 

People who jog at night and wear black or some other dark color.

I live near a lake, so streets with abundant street lights are rare. I'm driving to the gym, rocking out to "Purple Rain", and then OHMYGODYOUCRAZYBASTARDICOULDHAVEKILLEDYOU! Why don't they wear white? Or light grey? In fact, its too cold to go jogging outside at 9 o'clock at night! I think he wanted to die....and almost gave me a heart attack in meantime.

There's a guy in my town who everyday, around 4 or 5 o'clock (so, in the winter, it's often after dark), will walk along the rather busy main road to the neighboring town, and then back again.  He always stays on the same side of the road, so in one direction he's on the wrong side, pedestrian-wise.  He also always wears the same thing, regardless of the weather; jeans, a dark grey, hooded windbreaker, and a hat pulled low over his eyes.  It could be 100 degrees out, or in the midst of a blizzard, yet he's always there.  Same clothes, same time, same side of the road, every day.  More than once I've seen him nearly get hit by cars. Last winter, I saw him almost get cut in half by a snow plow.

Clearly there's some sort of story behind it, some explanation, be it mental illness or other wise.  No idea, but I can't help but wonder, and fear for his safety a bit.

Scottie, that guy sounds like a character out of a Stephen King Dark Tower novel or something. Like he's been trying to find his way back home along this lonely strip of land, because a portal will open one day at that same spot as was predicted by the crone with spider eyes in a distant backwater town in the world of Eld'rara. He was sent here to find something, but he doesn't remember what; he just knows to walk this road at this time.

Seriously.  If I was the only one seeing him, which thankfully I'm not, I'd think him to be some portent of my impending death or something.

Scottie's guy reminds me of Gary, a blind guy who walked up and down my street every day when I was a kid. Always wearing the same clothes and a lot of the time he was counting out loud. Only when I got a little bit older did I realize he wasn't creepy, just had memorized the number of steps and would get lost if you talked to him.

Those stories are awesome. Now I'm going to fantasize about the backstory of every person I see walking on the side of the road.

You guys made my day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamnDirtyApe 

People who jog at night and wear black or some other dark color.

I live near a lake, so streets with abundant street lights are rare. I'm driving to the gym, rocking out to "Purple Rain", and then OHMYGODYOUCRAZYBASTARDICOULDHAVEKILLEDYOU! Why don't they wear white? Or light grey? In fact, its too cold to go jogging outside at 9 o'clock at night! I think he wanted to die....and almost gave me a heart attack in meantime.

I was jogging in the middle of the day two weeks ago, wearing bright colors and thinking I had the right of way. Hoo boy, was I naive. As I was jogging across the crosswalk, a driver started making a left turn and barreled towards me. My thought process was as follows: Okay, she has to see me now...okay, she has to see me NOW...OKAY, SHE HAS TO SEE ME NOW!!! I ultimately had to dodge out of the way of the oncoming car because -- and I swear this happened -- she started to accelerate once she finally did see me. I guess she assumed, "Well, I didn't give him the right of way. NO WITNESSES!" and floored it.

I witnessed something almost exactly like that a few weeks ago.  The weird thing is I was waiting forever for this woman to turn left because it was a one-way street so she could have made the turn while the light was red.  Then the light finally turns and she accelerates RIGHT AT the pedestrian crossing the street.  This was in the middle of the day and she didn't even have to look for oncoming traffic - I don't know how the hell she didn't see him. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottieFerguson 

Quote:

There's a guy in my town who everyday, around 4 or 5 o'clock (so, in the winter, it's often after dark), will walk along the rather busy main road to the neighboring town, and then back again.  He always stays on the same side of the road, so in one direction he's on the wrong side, pedestrian-wise.  He also always wears the same thing, regardless of the weather; jeans, a dark grey, hooded windbreaker, and a hat pulled low over his eyes.  It could be 100 degrees out, or in the midst of a blizzard, yet he's always there.  Same clothes, same time, same side of the road, every day.  More than once I've seen him nearly get hit by cars. Last winter, I saw him almost get cut in half by a snow plow.

 

Clearly there's some sort of story behind it, some explanation, be it mental illness or other wise.  No idea, but I can't help but wonder, and fear for his safety a bit.

weird.  There was a guy like that who used to walk from Levin to Shannon (about 12k) and back.  Every day.  Always the same clothes, summer or winter.  Black wife beater and stubbies (ludicrously, short shorts), beer hat.  Haven't seen him this winter so I'm presuming something happened to him.  It's weird though because everyone I speak to knows about him, but no-one knows his name or what's happened to him.

And in Shannon, after hours, every teen wears nothing but black because there's a curfew for under 16s.  I've lost count of the amount of the little tits I've nearly bowled.
 

But anyone not in a car on the roads in NZ takes their life in their hands.  Kiwi drivers have zero idea about how to drive around cyclists for instance.  Coming up to a blind corner and there's a cyclist on the road the average kiwi won't slow down and wait to go round the corner but will just barrel around on the wrong side of the road at full speed.  If there's something coming they'll just take out the cyclist.  It's like "Fuck you eh bro, I'm in a car"

And just days ago some tit in Wellington cut up a tourist who was cycling around.  Tourist gesticulated so the hero stops his car in the middle of traffic, gets out, pushes the guy off his bike and then gives him a kicking.

I love my adopted country to bits but really, kiwi drivers are the worst fucking drivers in the world. 

Tired Shit~

People with bad breath and get angry/defiant/threatening when you

1) try to offer them a mint when you take one first, like sharing without bringing up their problem

2) politely tell them they need to have a mint then wave your hand back and forth over your mouth.

I'm a retail manager and our company uses secret shoppers. A report came in for an employee and in the section that the shopper relates 'anything memorable' about the interaction the secret shopper said 'His breath smelled like DEATH'

How did that employee react?

see numbers 1 + 2.

Quote:

Originally Posted by roboTimKelly 

saying "LOL." Knock that shit off yesterday.

Briefly dated a woman who did just this. It was maddening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EdBighead 

My wife putting our life on Facebook. People at work comment on me being in the dog house at home after an argument or ask why I'm being such a prick about something the wife didn't like. I have a friend who always does a daily Facebook check for me to see if the spouse posted anything cringe worthy. I beg her to stop and she does for awhile and then she hits her manic cycle again and the balloon goes up. Fucking Facebook. Fucking female co-workers friending my wife.

Talked with a buddy about this very thing recently. People post stuff on the internet they would NEVER say out loud in a crowded room with the same people. FB gives individuals some sort of venting super power and lack of shame.

The real FB tired shit? That I have to join up on FB just to have conversations with people who I used to, ya know, actually talk to instead. Guess I gotta get with the times. FB, you stole my friends and I'll never forgive you... but will probably get around to signing up... begrudgingly!
 

Head lice.

Fucking hell.  EVERY time the oldest goes to some holiday program she comes back with fucking headlice.

Cue massive purges in our house, full head inspections, scalp scrapes, boiling of towels and sheets.  Christ almighty.

And on a non-middle class white person whinge:  this shit.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/6295347/Child-rapists-gang-link

5 year old attacked and raped in a holiday camp by a 16 year old, apparently as a means to get accepted into a gang.

To misquote Manhunter; I hate the adult that has done this, but I weep for the child he was.  What kind of life and chances did this kid have?  You could make a program like The Corner about gang life, and particularly gang families in NZ, and no-one would believe it.  It's horrific.

And yet the public has their "Beast" and will bay for blood and be sated by a life sentence.  And while there may be some kind of analysis about 'how can this keep happening' nothing will actually eventuate, because how can you restructure the entire of society to make things equitable so that people think they have a chance of life/status/"respect" outside the gangs?

humanity is fucked.  Humanity is 'tired shit'.

Oh and a reminder of THAT was the couple of unbelievably fucking cuntish responses in the Depression thread.

Arse.

I was gonna jump in with an "Our species is 'tired shit'", but Andy's got that well & covered. Unspeakably horrific.

Tired Shit: Paper Towel Guy.

It seems every time I take a dump at work I'm sitting in my stall (handicapped of course cause it's huge and we have no handicapped employees) minding my own business playing poker on my phone Paper Towel Guy comes in. I clear my throat as a polite "here I am". He commences to wash his hands like he's prepping for surgery. He dries them off for at least 30 or more seconds with paper towel after paper towel after paper towel. He then takes his pee. He finishes and then does the same thing with the hand washing and even more paper toweling. It sounds like he's beating the shit out of a paper bag it's so fucking long and loud. He then is quiet for a couple of seconds and then leaves. By now I'm dying cause I can't blow it up cause I cannot let loose around others(weird I know). I tried to find this guy by looking under the stall at his shoes but the distance is too great and the toilet is too fucking high off the ground. Paper Towel Guy is fucking with me. It's been years man he's my white fucking whale.

From Hell's heart, you poop at thee.

I have poo-ralysis, too, and am always stuck waiting for the OCD guy who washes his hands for two straight minutes.

"poo-ralysis".  Astounding :)

A lot more common than you'd think. I used to suffer but then thought, a fuck it everyone shits.

It took my mate until his mid 30s to be able to go to the khazi away from his residence (house or hotel if he was on holiday).  Going to Glastonbury for 5 days forced him.  Apparently he came out, arms raised in the air in V symbols after his first successful public evacuation :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by EdBighead 

Tired Shit: Paper Towel Guy.

 

It seems every time I take a dump at work I'm sitting in my stall (handicapped of course cause it's huge and we have no handicapped employees) minding my own business playing poker on my phone Paper Towel Guy comes in. I clear my throat as a polite "here I am". He commences to wash his hands like he's prepping for surgery. He dries them off for at least 30 or more seconds with paper towel after paper towel after paper towel. He then takes his pee. He finishes and then does the same thing with the hand washing and even more paper toweling. It sounds like he's beating the shit out of a paper bag it's so fucking long and loud. He then is quiet for a couple of seconds and then leaves. By now I'm dying cause I can't blow it up cause I cannot let loose around others(weird I know). I tried to find this guy by looking under the stall at his shoes but the distance is too great and the toilet is too fucking high off the ground. Paper Towel Guy is fucking with me. It's been years man he's my white fucking whale.

 I think I know his cousin, Dump Phone Guy. He seems to know when I'm on a toilet break and takes the stall next to me, chatting down the phone while taking a dump and doing both ridiculously loudly. All I think is, "Can they hear that on the other end? How do you maintain a civil conversation when you can hear someone's sphincter beatboxing at the other end?" Am I just more prudish than I thought, or are there really times you just don't make a call?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reasor 

I'm an eight year Army veteran. After enough mandatory drug testing, you start to prefer having people watch you piss.
What of it?

so do you now get stage fright if there isn't someone else there? (as an aside stage fright when there isn't someone else there is just weird when it happens, I kind of look down and go "and your issue is..?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Workyticket 

 I think I know his cousin, Dump Phone Guy. He seems to know when I'm on a toilet break and takes the stall next to me, chatting down the phone while taking a dump and doing both ridiculously loudly. All I think is, "Can they hear that on the other end? How do you maintain a civil conversation when you can hear someone's sphincter beatboxing at the other end?" Am I just more prudish than I thought, or are there really times you just don't make a call?

"someone's sphincter beatboxing" made me laugh out loud hard.  But yeah, how rude.  I can't even answer the phone when I'm done and washing my hands.  I'm afraid the echo alone would make them think I'm on the khazi and someone else is washing up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy Bain 

 

 But yeah, how rude.  I can't even answer the phone when I'm done and washing my hands.  I'm afraid the echo alone would make them think I'm on the khazi and someone else is washing up.

 

I know! I mean, I can understand getting an important call and needing to answer, but even then you don't let loose during the conversation. You'd think these things are obvious, right? Apparently not...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy Bain 

so do you now get stage fright if there isn't someone else there? (as an aside stage fright when there isn't someone else there is just weird when it happens, I kind of look down and go "and your issue is..?"

 

"someone's sphincter beatboxing" made me laugh out loud hard.  But yeah, how rude.  I can't even answer the phone when I'm done and washing my hands.  I'm afraid the echo alone would make them think I'm on the khazi and someone else is washing up.

 

The echo is a dead give away. I've been caught by both my girlfriend and my boss while doing a covert phone call on the john. Usually I avoid it. I'm trying too hard to concentrate on Sudoku to make any calls anyway! 

I'm with Reasor, I'll pee and drop a deuce pretty much anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone. I'm not sure if it's something I'm proud of of but I'll go with it. Even when I got out of the service I have to do piss tests once a year for my state tattoo license (yeah I have no idea why either). I remember having a problem with it when I was younger, especially in high school. Andy is right though, we all do it.

For me the tired shit in the bathroom is motherfuckers that peek at you through the crack in the stall. If I wanted an audience I would leave the door open. My incredibly loud fake cough or gruff, "Occupied." should be more than enough of a warning. If I jiggle the handle and it's locked I just fuck right off, I don't go looking to sneak a gander at some dude playing his iPhone.

While we're on the subject

What's the deal with taking hand after hand full of toilet paper and making a little floating island in the middle of the basin and then taking a dump on it?

And then not flushing it, just leaving it for someone else to admire!

I figgure it started as a little toilet paper to prevent back-splash once the second movement is started. but it's horribly out of control now.

There's also the move where a guy comes into public bathrooms, soaks paper towels under running water and SLAMS them all over the bathroom.  I actually caught a guy red handed doing this in California but was too lazy / scared to report him.  Maybe it was the same guy ten years later, because the bathroom in the Atlanta Airport got the same treatment last time I was there.  Do these guys think there running some sort of bathroom "Dead Poets Society" or something?

Or people who don't keep an eye on their kids in a pubilc bathroom. If I'm on the toilet, I don't want to see your little Peeping Tom-in-training get down on all fours and stick his head under the stall door. This has happened to me on a handful of occasions, and the first time it startled me so much that I whipped my leg out in self defense and kicked the kid in the head.

The kid had it comin'.

Yeah, it seems like the bathroom is a place where society inexplicably breaks down and people just do shit because 'hehe poop is funny'. Leaving huge piles around, not removing those stupid and useless seats, it's like a bunch of monkeys just descend upon the place. It's like we don't want to talk about the rules, so it just becomes the wild west of bodily fluids.

Any kind of shit-terrorist is a mystery to me.  I went into a public toilet in Wellington one time (one on Lambton Quay which is kind of a main street) and, I kid you not, someone had literally sprayed shit all over the place.  It was on every wall, the floor, all over the toilet seat.  Someone had to have scooped out shit and then flung it everywhere mutliple times.

But then in Palmy once I had to use a public phone (the HUMANITY!).  I picked up the receiver, sniffed, thought "hmm something's a little funky", looked at the receiver and someone had put shit on the mouthpiece and earpiece and all over the buttons.

What the actual fuck?

I got a bit OCD after that and obsessively washed my hands for about half an hour with the strongest antibacterial soap i could find.

If it makes us men feel better, from what intelligence I have gathered, women's public restrooms are actually WORSE. Oh, those dirty little minxes....

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamnDirtyApe 

If it makes us men feel better, from what intelligence I have gathered, women's public restrooms are actually WORSE. Oh, those dirty little minxes....

while not a dirty toilet, I do distinctly remember stumbling into the wrong toilet when intoxicated and thinking "what's this little bin for?".  Upon opening it I no longer had to stick my fingers down my throat for the strategic chuck I needed.

I've been part of corporate America for 16 years now, and I'm still flabbergasted that having an MBA apparently drains some guys of the essential brain cells needed to properly flush a toilet. I simply do NOT understand dropping a huge deuce and then thinking, "Hey, it would be a GREAT idea to throw in half a roll of toiler paper and then try to flush."

Is the idea of a courtesy/safety flush so fuckin' hard to figure out?

To answer my own question: Yes. Yes, it is for some folks.

Tangent: guys who feel compelled to not only assume odd positions at the urinal (arm raised over head and leaning against the wall seems to be a favorite) but accompany their own pissing with frighteningly loud "Ahhhs!" and "Uhhhh"s. 

I unzip, shout "Geronimo," and release my dog of war.

Sometimes I make Troy and Abed Top Gun noises. Just for you , MichaelM. Just for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrTyres 

I unzip, shout "Geronimo," and release my dog of war.

 

 

Sometimes I make Troy and Abed Top Gun noises. Just for you , MichaelM. Just for you.

I don't know what it says about me, but either of these would faze me far less than grown men groaning orgasmically and trying to meld with the wall when urinating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelM 
Tangent: guys who feel compelled to not only assume odd positions at the urinal (arm raised over head and leaning against the wall seems to be a favorite)

The only time I've done this is when I've had too much to drink.  People actually do this in the professional world?