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Bargain Discussion

post #1 of 6
6/1/05 at 11:20pm
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By Richard Dickson

http://chud.com/stories/3183
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post #2 of 6
6/2/05 at 9:39am
I love the quotes you picked to highlight on the page!
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post #3 of 6
6/2/05 at 11:46am
Engaging. My reaction is that there wasn't much in the way of unique experience, not much to make the protagonist an individual. It relates a scenario that has become familiar, and was laid out in the theme guidelines, but, I thought, doesn't do much to distinguish itself.
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post #4 of 6
6/2/05 at 1:56pm
The best I can say about your story was that it had a unique voice going for it. Though, like the rest of the story, it needed to be further developed. The narrator had a cool hipster vibe going for it, but it never seemed to go anywhere. The voice is sprinkled throughout the story, and adds a cool touch here and there, but the voice should have played a much bigger part through the narration.
On a whole, the whole thing seemed very rushed. It goes from A to B to C, without anything to make the story stand out on its own. I would have liked to find out more about the narrator, and more about the vampire. Not a whole lot more, I don't need their history, cause it wasn't trying to be Interview with a Vampire or anything like that...but I would have liked to see a little more fleshing out.
But keep working on the hipster voice, I think it would be neat to see that played out to this vampire story. Keep working at it, it's got potential, but I don't think it's been realized yet.
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post #5 of 6
6/4/05 at 2:11am
Liked it. I saw a similarly themed story in an early 1990's magazine called "Monsters," where a child vampire with polio gets eternal life, but has to spend it stuck in a wheelchair. At least I think that's how it went. Good style, nice idea! One minor issue I have is that the narrator seems quite smart ("There’s that light but leaden feeling in my arms and legs" sounds like he's at least a college grad), but... he doesn't know what immune deficiency is? A bit of a disconnect. But minor. Nice!
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post #6 of 6
6/5/05 at 1:14am
I enjoyed the story. A quickie Twilight-Zone-like tone throughout. I also read through the tale as though it was a cautionary allegory about "criminals" who maliciously and knowingly transmit their HIV virus to others.

Some criticisms: I know that the "biting" came swiftly. As a reader, I feel cheated as I wanted to know the sensation of such a bite. I just felt let down by the quickness of that part.

Secondly, I wish I knew more about our protagonist. More background about him so that I could empathize for his plight. As bodgren said, the story felt "rushed" moving from one point to the next; but since you're going for an O. Henry type of tale, it works.

All in all, a good story with an unexpected twist.
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