CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › Sometimes I wish my lawyers didn't tell me to take down my blog
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Sometimes I wish my lawyers didn't tell me to take down my blog

post #1 of 53
Thread Starter 
Okay, this Tom Cruise Katie Holmes thing.... Look, I've worked with more than a few scientologists. I'm not going to piss on their shit, and you know what, the female scientologists, I mean their thing has nothing against freaky deaky sex shit. So that's something. I met a cute Baptist chick in LA, and she was like "God's against anal" and I'm all like "Then God's against you working in this town, and God's name is Jerry Bruckheimer."

And you know what, I've hung out with Cruise cause me and Spielberg are tight these days, since I've did The Island for him, and my next picture is at the SKG house. I wasn't stoked on The Transformers until I did some research on my cut of possible ancilary benefits, and there really is more than meets the eye. But Tom's a good guy, and I would never imply that he's gay and has lovers. Or that Katie Holmes is doing this because she thinks it will break her out of television, and she and her people haven't even come up with how she and Tom met story because everyone in town knows it's a big lie, and Tom Cruise's performance on Oprah was worse than the one he gave in Interview with a Vampire, which was surely not his coded way of saying to world "Look, I'm kinda gay!" I would never in a million years say that.

What I will say is this: I fucked Katie Holmes. It was after The Gift, and as I was casting Bad Boys II. I told her I might give her the Peter Stormarre role (and she believed me!) Oh man, I fucked her so many different ways and her favorite was what I like to call the "Brownhammer," when I was plugging her brown eye while she was in an almost handstand. Just tore her shit up. And you know what? That girl has a taint soulpatch. It's the grossest thing I've ever seen. Of course I didn't see it until I fucked her a couple of times cause if I don't have to eat pussy I won't (and it's not that I won't ladies, it's that if a girl's getting fucked because she wants a part, then we both know what it is). After I saw that I was like... um, no. I mean, I can't imagine that it's easy to get that shit waxed, but you have to take care of your trim all the way around.

We're almost fucking done with The Island, but the release date's coming, so maybe after that shit hits I'll finally be able to catch up on some movies. That would be nice. If I get to do that, you know what that means...
post #2 of 53
This shit is so tired.
post #3 of 53
I liked your review of the Island.
post #4 of 53
Excuse my ignorance but what is a soulpatch?
post #5 of 53
It's a facial hard style, a little line of hair on your chin to your mouth.
post #6 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fett
This shit is so tired.
Your opinion is wrong. Please reconsider.
post #7 of 53
In a weird way I would rest easier knowing that a man who nailed Katie Holmes was in charge of bringing Sideswipe to life on the big screen.
post #8 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sin City
Fuck you Fett you humorless asshole! Someone recently said that having a personality is the fastest way to getting banned so I guess your safe for life.
No, being a dick is the fastest way to get banned, so with posts like that, don't expect to be around here too long.
post #9 of 53
Everyone must calm themselves.

Michael is a valued member of this community and if he goes.... I don't even want to consider it.
Things will spiral out of control around here without a doubt. It would be a dark day for chewers around the world.

Fett realizes that give and take is crucial for civil discourse but that doesn't mean he wont get carried away and say somthing rash from time to time. I think we can all relate to that. I think Michael should let him slide.
post #10 of 53
Oh Michael...we have missed you and your behind the scenes look at hollywood.

As far as fucking katie holmes...she is too weird looking and she is a surfboard, but hey Mike has to keep his hormones at Bay (zing!). Tom Cruise really could do exponentially better. Oh well, I guess he is more interested in building buzz by dating the chick in the batman movie that is going to be competing against his own movie coming out later in the month...or maybe its just a coincedence.
post #11 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fazer
As far as fucking katie holmes...she is too weird looking and she is a surfboard.
http://www.celebritymoviearchive.com...movie.php/2842 Sorry, that's not a surfboard.

This is only my second glance at the implacable sleaziness of Mr. Bay, I love it.
post #12 of 53
If I was Michael Bay, and I was about to fuck Katie Holmes, I'd put on my best Sean Connery accent and yell, "Welcome to the Cock".

Then I would drop the Brownhammer.
post #13 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fett
This shit is so tired.
...
post #14 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pick Somebody
This thread
It's like Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.

SKREEEEEEEEEEE!
post #15 of 53
More than meets the eye indeed.

The cash a TRANSFORMERS movie could potentially make is ridiculous.
post #16 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fett
This shit is so tired.
I agree.
post #17 of 53
Someone needs to ask Bay what its like working for Murph.

and I disagree that this shit is tired. For me, it never gets old.
post #18 of 53
Oh christ....
post #19 of 53
A free BAD BOYS DVD (barebones) to whoever takes on the persona of "The Ghost of Don Simpson."
post #20 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by L7 Productions
Oh christ....
I couldn't have said it better
post #21 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scratch
If I was Michael Bay, and I was about to fuck Katie Holmes, I'd put on my best Sean Connery accent and yell, "Welcome to the Cock".

Then I would drop the Brownhammer.
This was funnier than Bay's most recent post.

My favourite sodomite hasn't quite worn out his welcome but he needs a bit of new material. Assfucking'll only get you so far in life, as my guidance counsellor once said.
post #22 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fett
This shit is so tired.
word.
post #23 of 53
There is still some humor left in this stuff. Am I bit let down that this gets a bigger reaction than my hard on for Ray Liotta? Perhaps, but life isn't all just blow jobs and free Pepsi refills.
post #24 of 53
As far as I'm concerned, if you don't find this stuff funny, don't read or post in the thread. There are plenty of other humorless threads where you can kiss the moderators' asses or agree with everything that's posted on the main page. Personally, I think someone pretending to be a hack director and posting their insights on the industry is entertaining (all things in moderation, of course).
post #25 of 53
Not tired:

• Being funny.
• Having 161 posts.
• Using your dick.

Tired:

• 1000's of posts about star wars.
• God issues.
• 1000's of posts about not getting laid.
post #26 of 53
Screw you Bruckheimer for not casting Cary Elwes and Michael Rooker in GONE IN 60 SECONDS like you did Duvall. No wonder it sucked worse than DRIVEN.
post #27 of 53
Urban Jerry Bruckheimer loves 40's, bitches and Pearl Harbor.

2 out of 3 ain't bad.
post #28 of 53
I should have registered as Don Simpson. Then I'd be cool.
post #29 of 53
Dear lord is that not funny.
post #30 of 53
No wonder Viggo and Gandolfini haven't worked with you since CRIMSON TIDE.
post #31 of 53
Bay's losing his touch. Maybe it's due to all of the hookers and blow? Quite possibly the STD's as well.
post #32 of 53
Leave it to CHUD's own creepy/funny Michael Bay to stir the pot a bit.

I gotta agree with savannah and posit that whoever posts as MB on the MB probably wrote that anonymous Island review. The Michael Bay cockslobbery is too much of a coincidence.
post #33 of 53
Thanks, Mysterious Forces!
post #34 of 53
I don't know, Helix. That comedy vacuum should have been preserved to teach future generations how unfunny gimmick posters can be.
post #35 of 53
You give far too much credit to the human race, gravedigger.
post #36 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adam Warren
Not tired:

• Being funny.
• Having 161 posts.
• Using your dick.

Tired:

• 1000's of posts about star wars.
• God issues.
• 1000's of posts about not getting laid.
Add being holier-than-thou, Canadian to the "tired" list.
post #37 of 53
This "shit" just keeps getting funnier and funnier.

Keep it coming Bay.
post #38 of 53
Michael Bay is the greatest.

If this were the Model U.N., I would let him be Cuba. That way I could be North Korea. A corrupt nation with the same interests, but none of the heart.

Yeah...that would work.

But, Mr. Bay...you never answered my other questions. Did you ever bang Claire Forlani? I would've so been all over here during "The Rock". That is unless Sean Connery cockblocked you.

But, if he did...even you have to let that shit slide. He was James Bond. Bond beats Bay, hands down.
post #39 of 53
Played.
post #40 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guttenberg Fan Club
Dear lord is that not funny.
Then I guess I met the tone of this thread.
post #41 of 53
You're cute when you're incomprehensible.
post #42 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sin City
a burning desire to slash your anus with a rusty razor.
No wonder you find Bay's cock talk stimulating.
post #43 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sin City
No, I believe that your opionion of Michael Bay is wrong and that your stuck up and the only satisfaction you get in life comes from getting people banned who do not share your point if view. Bay is funny and about the only decent poster on this site. If you showed a tenth of his personality then I wouldn't have such a burning desire to slash your anus with a rusty razor.
I'm confused -- this post isn't about Sin City.
post #44 of 53
But "slashing your anus with a razor blade"? That's just...ouch.
post #45 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by T_M
But "slashing your anus with a razor blade"? That's just...ouch.
It was the highlight of my Prom Night.
post #46 of 53
It was a "rusty" razor blade. Those little details make the image so much more vivid.
post #47 of 53
Dude, Sin Shitty, Fett is a good guy, why are you being such an ass? He's been around these parts for awhile and has done some good things for the site, no need for you to be a shithead.
post #48 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sin City
No, I believe that your opionion of Michael Bay is wrong and that your stuck up and the only satisfaction you get in life comes from getting people banned who do not share your point if view. Bay is funny and about the only decent poster on this site. If you showed a tenth of his personality then I wouldn't have such a burning desire to slash your anus with a rusty razor.
Once again, thanks for playing. And remember, winners don't do drugs.
post #49 of 53
Which scares you the most Charles, the rusty razor or reading that guy's assault on grammar? To me the razor sounds much better !
post #50 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sin City
Bay is funny and about the only decent poster on this site.
the only one, out of 12000 registered posters? boy, that's not a bad ratio.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Chewers Catch-All
CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › Sometimes I wish my lawyers didn't tell me to take down my blog