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Favorite unnamed/one-shot Simpson character quote thread

post #1 of 102
6/22/05 at 10:01am
Thread Starter 
Malibu Stacey assembly line worker: "Aw crap. THERE'S A CLOG IN THE TORSO CHUTE! LEROY! Get yer ass in gear!"
Leroy: "Shut yer hole!"


Helicopter pilot: "We are now beginning our approach to Itchy and Scratchy Land, the theme park of the future where nothing can possiblie go wrong. *silence* Uh, possibLEE go wrong! Heh, that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong."


Panicky man: "Oh my God! The PTA is disbanding! AGGHH GAAAH!!" *jumps out window*
Flanders: "No, no! The PTA is not disbanding!"
Panicky man: "Yeeeeaaghh!" *jumps back in window*
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post #2 of 102
6/22/05 at 10:11am
Unidentified man caught on drawbridge waiting in line for the Itchy and Scratchy movie: "I regret nothiiiiiiiiing!!!"
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post #3 of 102
6/22/05 at 10:23am
Kid traumatised by Homer-as-Krusty's beating of the Krusty Burger burglar: "Stop it! Stop it! He's already dead!"
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post #4 of 102
6/22/05 at 10:27am
"My player piano!"
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post #5 of 102
6/22/05 at 10:34am
Thread Starter 
Shelbyville "Homer": "Get out here boy! There's a doin's a transpirin'!"


FBI guy: "The only thing we've managed to ascertain from satellite photos is that its not on the roof."


Member of Australian parliament: "That's a bloody outrage it is! I'm going straight to the Prime Minister! Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! ANDY!"
Australian Prime Minister: "Oy, mate! What's the good word?"


Australian squeaky-voiced teen: "Bullfrogs! That's a right odd name! I would have called 'em Chuzzwazzas!"
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post #6 of 102
6/22/05 at 11:02am
"...and like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory"
-Blackheart the Ivory Dealer

"Find your soulmate, Homer."
"Where? Where?"
"I'm just your memory. I can't give you any new information."
-Homer's Spirit Guide

"Stacy, please, I must have you back. Just come for a ride with me in my Mobile Command Unit."
"Joe, I told you, it's over. Release me from your Kung-Fu grip."
"Fine. I'll bomb your house into the ground, Missy. "
-Stacy LaVelle and ex-husband Joe

"Alright Dr. Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain."
"Aaawww. But all my stuff's there."
-Wiggum and Dr Colossus
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post #7 of 102
6/22/05 at 12:08pm
The Australian bar-keeper...

"I want a coffee"

"One beer..."

"No, coffee. Coff-ee."

"Bee-eer?"

"C-O..."

"B-E.."

And of course,

"That's not a knife, that's a knife!"

"No, that's a spoon."

"Ah, I see you've played knifey spoony before!"

Another fave, that dude that sounds like Chuck Bronson.

Seeing overweight (300lbs+) Homer at the cinema: "Hey Fatty, I got a film for ya. A Fridge Too Far"
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post #8 of 102
6/22/05 at 12:16pm
Wait, I forgot my all time favourite...

John Coffey (to Homer on death row): Gimme yer hands, boss. COS I'M I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I KILLED A MILLION PEOPLE, I KILL YOU TOO!

(gets dragged off and turns back to his cell. He is holding a mouse in his hands.)

John Coffey: You want some corn bread, Mr Jingles? Well you can forget it, cos I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
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post #9 of 102
6/22/05 at 12:24pm
When Phish played Homer's Festival to legalize medical marijuana -

Phish Guy (I don't know their names): "Hey I smell marijuana...THAT BETTER BE MEDICINAL!"

And that couple when Homer and Marge go to the Wedding Retreat at Catfish Lake -
"Queen of the Harpies...QUEEN OF THE HARPIES!"
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post #10 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:08pm
Guy Homer encounters at a swanky restaurant:

"I had a stroooooke!"

Springfield Isotopes announcer:

"The Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game!"

Guy who looks like John Travolta:

"Yeah, looks like."
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post #11 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by sackley
The Australian bar-keeper...

Another fave, that dude that sounds like Chuck Bronson.

Seeing overweight (300lbs+) Homer at the cinema: "Hey Fatty, I got a film for ya. A Fridge Too Far"
random Bronson voiced guy is so great.

"so you don't like antique bikes, eh?"
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post #12 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:16pm
"youstoleMONEYFROMTHECHURCHCOLLECTIONplate!"
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post #13 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:22pm
but the winner is and always shall be Beekeeper 2:

Beekeeper 1: "it sure is quiet today."

Beekeeper 2: "YES, A LITTLE too quiet... if you know what I mean."

Beekeeper 1: "I'm afraid I don't."

Beekeeper 2: "YOU SEE... bees usually make A LOT of noise. NO NOISE suggests... no bees."

Beekeeper 1: "oh look, there goes one now!"

Beekeeper 2: "TO THE BEEMOBILE!"

Beekeeper 1: "you mean your Chevy?"

[PATENTED SIMPSONS PAUSE]

Beekeeper 2 (staring at the ground, defeated): "Yes."
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post #14 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:25pm
then there's guy sitting next to Nimoy:

"the Cosmic Ballet... goes on."

"anyone wanna switch seats?"
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post #15 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:28pm
Don't forget the old Englishman stealing sugar in the same ep:

"I nicked it. And I'd do it again"
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post #16 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:31pm
Guy who gives Homer vocabulary builder audio tapes instead of ones for weight loss:

"Here ya go fatso!"
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post #17 of 102
6/22/05 at 1:40pm
Thread Starter 
Monorail operator 1: "I've got it! We can just shut off the power!"
Monorail operator 2: "No such luck! It's solar powered!"
Monorail operator 1: "Solar power! When will people learn?!"

Brockman: "Doctor, without knowing EXACTLY what the problem is, would you say it would be time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?"
Doctor: "Yes I would, Kent."

Marge: "Is it true we should wait an hour after eating before we go swimming?"
Pool salesmen: "Look lady, I'll be honest with ya, this ain't what I do for a living. I play keyboards."

Marge: "Bart, are all these children your friends?"
Bart: "Friends and well-wishers, yes."
*kids pass by a child who is not Bart*
Kid #1: "Hi Bart!"
Kid #2: "How's it goin' Bart?"
Kid #3: "Hey Bart!"
Kid #4 (to Marge): "Hello Mrs. Cumberdale."

Jimmy Stewart-esque man: "Oh no! That sinister lookin' kid is comin' to kill me! Help! HELP! Whoa!" *falls over*
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post #18 of 102
6/22/05 at 2:20pm
NASA Chimp: "No, I don't think we'll be telling them that."
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post #19 of 102
6/22/05 at 4:06pm
Homer - "We made it. Branson, Missouri."
Local - "Hey, pally, this is Bronson, Missouri".
Kid - "Hey ma, how 'bout some cookies?"
Mom - "No dice."
Kid - "This...ain't over."
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post #20 of 102
6/22/05 at 5:17pm
Thread Starter 
Hank: "Gentlemen, this is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold, and to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this!"
*off screen explosion*
U.N. Ambassador #1: "Good God, the 59th street bridge!"
U.N. Ambassador #2: "Maybe it just collapsed on its own."
U.N. Ambassador #1: "We can't take that chance."
U.N. Ambassador #2: "You always say that. I want to take a chance!"


Homer: "Hey buddy! Did you get a load of the NERD?"
Anonymous jock: "Pardon me?"


Marge: "I'm sorry Mr. Blackbeard, this is all we have left." *handing him Maggie's high-chair*
Blackbeard: "DARR! This chair be high, says I!"
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post #21 of 102
6/22/05 at 5:26pm
Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles! Becoming a cop is NOT something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Unnamed Psycho: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
Unnamed Psycho: I've have it up to here with your...."rules"!!

Fake Homer: Ja, please forgive my unexplained two-week absence. To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex.

Storytelling Hobo: (singing) "Nothin' beats the hobo life/stabbin' folks with my hobo knife...."

Homer: NO! Linguo....dead?!
Linguo: Linguo.....*IS*......dead.......
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post #22 of 102
6/22/05 at 5:51pm
Sea Captain: "Come, see bottomless Pete, nature's cruellest mistake. Come for the freak, stay for the food."
Woman: "Oh, he's hideous!"
Man:"I heard they shaved a gorilla."

German Power Plant co-owner: "Do any of you have an alcohol problem?"(paraphrasing)
Hands go up, murmurs of 'Yes', 'I do', etc.
Guy at the back: "Whu, I'm drunk right now."

Jose Flanders: "Buenos ding-dong-diddly dias, neighbourino"

The British Lord type Flanders: "Charmed." (Egged on by Ned) "A googerly doogerly."

Hugh Jass: "I'm Hugh Jass. Hello?"

Roy: "Yo yo, how's it hanging enerybody?"
Marge: "Morning Roy!."
Homer (reading paper): "Oh yeah, hi Roy..."
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post #23 of 102
6/22/05 at 5:59pm
Thread Starter 
Perhaps the all-time best. Right up there with Beekeeper #2, anyways.

Homer: "Do you sell toys here?"
Evil Shopkeep: "We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call fro-gurt!"
Homer: "Uhh, I'm looking for something for my son's birthday."
Evil Shopkeep: "Take this item for the child, but beware, it contains a terrible curse."
Homer: "Ooo, that's bad."
Evil Shopkeep: "But it comes with a free fro-gurt!"
Homer: "That's good!"
Evil Shopkeep: "The fro-gurt is also cursed."
Homer: "That's bad."
Evil Shopkeep: "But you get your choice of topping!"
Homer: "That's good!"
Evil Shopkeep: "The topping contains potassium benzoate."
Homer: "...."
Evil Shopkeep: "That's bad."
Homer: "Can I go now?"
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post #24 of 102
6/22/05 at 6:05pm
Upon hearing that Homer has gone on a diet:

Donut Guy: Oh my god! And I just bought a boat!
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post #25 of 102
6/22/05 at 6:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werbal_Kint
Perhaps the all-time best. Right up there with Beekeeper #2, anyways.

Homer: "Do you sell toys here?"
Evil Shopkeep: "We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call fro-gurt!"
Homer: "Uhh, I'm looking for something for my son's birthday."
Evil Shopkeep: "Take this item for the child, but beware, it contains a terrible curse."
Homer: "Ooo, that's bad."
Evil Shopkeep: "But it comes with a free fro-gurt!"
Homer: "That's good!"
Evil Shopkeep: "The fro-gurt is also cursed."
Homer: "That's bad."
Evil Shopkeep: "But you get your choice of topping!"
Homer: "That's good!"
Evil Shopkeep: "The topping contains potassium benzoate."
Homer: "...."
Evil Shopkeep: "That's bad."
Homer: "Can I go now?"
I forgot all about that - one of my all-time favorites. And another quote from that episode by Grandpa (which I know isn't quite in fitting with the thread but forgive me just this once)...
Grandpa: "That doll is evil I tells ya...EEEEEVIIIIIIIL"
Marge: "Grampa, You said that about all the presents."
Grampa: "I just want attention."

Some More One-Shots:

Stage Manager: "Okay, somebody here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra...probably while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction."

Jacques: "My head says no, but my heart...and my HIPS...cry PROCEED!"

Michael Jackson: "This here's The Chief, he's been here [an amount of] years and never says a word."
Homer: "Hey Chief!"
Chief: "Hello. [Doctors scramble up and start taking notes.] What? It's about time someone reached out to me!"

Head Doctor at New Bedlam: "Oh my GOD...there really IS a Bart!?"
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post #26 of 102
6/22/05 at 6:18pm
Social workers after finding Maggie with a piece of paper saying "I'm a stupid baby" stuck to her: "Stupid babies need the most attention!"
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post #27 of 102
6/22/05 at 6:18pm

one of the best...

Guy in restaurant after Selma lights up a cigarette.

Guy: I ordered a Zima, not emphaZIMA.
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post #28 of 102
6/22/05 at 6:27pm
The carny after putting on one of Homer's shirts:

"Hey, look at me! I'm a millionaire!"
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post #29 of 102
6/22/05 at 8:25pm
"Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?"
"If there is, I don't want to know about it."
-Quimby's Bodyguards

"There's no trick to it, it's just a simple trick.
-Brad Goodman
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post #30 of 102
6/22/05 at 10:50pm
The guy who shoved a bee in his mouth to battle the flu:

"I'm cured! I mean, ouch!"

The waiter for the restaurant that celebrates New Year's Eve over and over:

"Please Kill me!"

This exchange from a program on the Simpsons' TV:

Chief: "Well, McGonigle, Billy is dead. They slit his throat from ear to ear."
McGonicle: "Hey! I'm trying to eat lunch here!"
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post #31 of 102
6/23/05 at 1:04am
Sideshow Raheem.

"I wouldn't."

EDITED: Between a mother and son when the Simpsons accidentally go to Bronson (not Branson), Missouri:

"Hey ma, how 'bout a cookie?"

"No dice."

"This ain't ovah."
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post #32 of 102
6/23/05 at 5:01am
You sir are worse than Hitler ( Patty and Selma's boss) to Homer Smoking
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post #33 of 102
6/23/05 at 10:23am
Thread Starter 
Very tall man: "Do you find something comical about my appearance when I am driving my automobile?"
Nelson: "Uhhh..."
Very tall man: "Everyone needs to drive, even the very tall. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun?"
Nelson: "I guess so."
Very tall man: "Beh! Tch! Would you like it if I laughed at you?! HUH?!"
*pulls down Nelson's pants*
Very tall man: "Now march! Hey everyone! It's that bully who laughs at people! Let's laugh at him!"


Gummi coinesseur: "That is the rarest gummi of them all, the gummi Venus Di Milo. Crafted specially by artisans who work in the medium of gummi."
Marge: "Would you two stop saying gummi so much?"


Protestors: "2, 4, 6, 8, Homer's grab was very great! *pause* Great meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative tense!"


Army recruit #1: "Hey, where I do I get mah grenades at?"
Army recruit #2: "Ah, they don't have them group terlits here no more, do they?"
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post #34 of 102
6/24/05 at 12:21pm
"I didn't think I wuz reeyabulutated, but uhh... I guess they needed the extra bed."
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post #35 of 102
6/24/05 at 3:48pm
*heard in the PTA meeting after Principle Skinner rubs his two fingers together*

"The fingers mean the money."
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post #36 of 102
6/24/05 at 4:09pm
Some great ones in the episode where Lisa helps Homer bet on football.

When Lovejoy applauds those who came to church on Big Game Sunday:

Guy in church: "Oh my god, I forgot the game!"

Then these gems from one of Phil Hartman's best one shot characters, football prognosticator Smooth Jimmy Apollo, while on the pre-game show being watched by Homer:

"When you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time."

"Our first game today Denver and New England is too close to call. But if you're one of those compulsive types who just has to bet...well, I don't know...uh...Denver!"
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post #37 of 102
6/24/05 at 6:18pm
Thread Starter 
Homer: "Oh, I wish I had a hot dog right now."
Marge: "Homer, this is a funeral!"
Hot dog vendor: "Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs here!"
Homer: "Woo hoo!"
Marge: "What do you do, follow my husband around?"
Hot dog vendor: "Lady, he's putting my kids through college!"

Jazz Hole patron: "Pfeh. Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat."
Lisa: "You have to listen to the notes she's NOT playing."
Jazz Hole patron: "I could do that at home."

Homer: "All right! Everybody in the pool!"
Amish guy: "'Tis a fine barn, but sure tis no pool, English."
Homer: "Do'heth!"
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post #38 of 102
6/24/05 at 6:44pm
Homer's Barbershop quartet:
Homer: "I'd like to dedicate this to a very special lady. Shes 130 years old, and weighs over 200 tons."
Man: "This enormous woman will devour us all!!" (Jumps into the water)
Homer: "I meant the statue.."


Buzz Aldrin:

"Second comes right after first!"
"Careful, they're rippled!"


Selma at her aunts funeral: "She wasn't a rich woman...."
Everybody leaves.
Selma: "...but she was rich in spirit..."
Old guy comes back in: "Forgot my hat."
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post #39 of 102
6/25/05 at 12:05am
Civil War re-enactor: "They're trying to learn for free! Get them! Use your phony guns as clubs!"

Does this count as an unnamed character? George C. Scott as Man Hit By Football: "ARGH! MY GROIN!"

Lone Dissenter: " nay. "
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post #40 of 102
6/25/05 at 6:28am
Christopher Walken-"Please, scooch closer, children. Don't make me tell you again, about the SCOOCHING!"

But no one can beat Hank Scorpio for 1-shot characters.

"It's papayene! It'll make you strong, like Popeye! Popeye, papayene, Popeye, papayene, ah forget it!"

"Hey, look at my feet. You like those Rockersons? Look in your closet, there's a pair for you. Don't like em? Then neither do I! Get the HELL outta here! Ever seen a guy say goodbye to a shoe?"
Homer: "Ye-hes.. once."

And...

"Hammocks! My goodness, what an idea!"
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post #41 of 102
6/25/05 at 6:52am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scratch
Homer - "We made it. Branson, Missouri."
Local - "Hey, pally, this is Bronson, Missouri".
Kid - "Hey ma, how 'bout some cookies?"
Mom - "No dice."
Kid - "This...ain't over."
You win, good sir.
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post #42 of 102
6/25/05 at 8:37am
"Elmo knows where you live."
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post #43 of 102
6/26/05 at 5:00am
"But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a far-away planet."
"That sounds like a good movie."
"Yes...yes...uh...a movie, yeah. "
-Marge and James Woods
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post #44 of 102
6/26/05 at 2:36pm
Thread Starter 
Head of the Quik-E-Mart: "Approach my sons. You may have three questions."
Apu: "Good, because all I have is one. I..."
Homer: "Are you REALLY the head of the Quik-E-Mart?"
HOTQEM: "Yes."
Homer: "REALLY?"
HOTQEM: "Yes."
Homer: "REALLY?"
HOTQEM: "Yes. Thank you, come again."
Apu: "But I..."
HOTQEM: "Thank you, come again."


Krusty: "That's showbusiness for ya. One day you're the most important popular person in the world, the next you're some schmo workin' in a box factory."
Box factory worker: "I heard that."


Man with giant hand (reading a note on his hand): "I am tired of these constant jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1959 when..."
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post #45 of 102
6/26/05 at 2:55pm
The German jerk who gets the paintings recovered from Abe and Bart after watching them hug:

"Hey, fun boys, get a room!"

From Bret "The Hitman" Hart while contemplating whether or not to buy Burns' mansion:

"Eww, this place has got old man stink!"

Burns: "Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait? To
remind me of better times?"
Bret: "Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck GEEK?"
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post #46 of 102
6/26/05 at 3:09pm
(playing foosball in a museum)
Homer: HA! You lose Michaelangelo's David! Who's next?
Munsch's "The Scream": MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Lucy Lawless: C'mon, kids. I'll take you home.
(takes off into the air)
Bart: Hey! Xena can't fly!
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena! I'm Lucy Lawless!
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post #47 of 102
6/26/05 at 9:33pm
In the episode that has the take off of THelma and Louise, Marge shoots the cans and the old man comes out and yells:

"My cans, my cans, my antique cans!!!"

Yeah, it was quite funny.
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post #48 of 102
6/26/05 at 9:54pm
Thread Starter 
Also from "Marge on the Lam."


Waitress: "I hate it when the waffles stick together."
Short-order cook: "Stickin' together's what good waffles do."


*police sirens sound outside the diner, scaring all the fugitive women away. Kearney rides up on a bike, wearing a siren helmet*
Restaurant owner: "You stupid kid! You know that drives away all my business!"
Kearney: "See ya tomorrow, loser!"
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post #49 of 102
6/26/05 at 11:24pm
The President of the Duff Brewery after assuring everyone that Alcohol free Duff would be just as popular as the regular kind.
"Thats the end of me!"------dusts hands.
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post #50 of 102
6/27/05 at 12:19am
Rex Banner: Why the very idea is laughable! Heh- eh, hcch. Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.
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