Somebody wishes he was Bruce Willis

God I hate that.

Give Wesley credit for actually showing up on the cover. Only Bruce Willis' giant head made it onto the TOTS DVD.

An extended cut of TOTS, great! More overly long talks with Moinca Belluci in the jungle involving no nudity on her part, as she obviously is influencing Willis' character to help the refugees, which he does just because he wants to bone her, what a crappy movie.

But yeah, I'm actually looking forward to Snipes as a direct to video star, Dolph's Direct Action was horrible, Seagal's whatever sucked, Van Damme's last one was okay, i hope Snipes gets more money and better direction then they've gotten recently.

I still don't know why they can't all forsake their collective ego's and appear in an action movie together before they're all too old (too late for that probably).

Stallone's last couple of films have also been DTV as well. Hard times for 80s action giants.

How awesome would a DESTROY ALL MONSTERS flick be with Snipes, Stallone, Segal and all those clowns? Better than ninja/pirate porn, that's for sure.

That would be fantastic, throw in Van Damme and a few others(Dolph for one) and you could have one awesome movie. Would their combined might get a theatrical release though?

Why not make it a superhero movie? Seagal could be The Blimp, Stallone could be Has-Been Man, Van Damme as The Green Belgian, Snipes as Captain Its-Set-In-Prague, and Lundgren could headline as the all-powerful Rocky-Villain Man (with his faithful sidekick, Dillon-From-Predator Boy).

Their arch-nemesis would of course be Doctor Hammy-British-Actor, played by Sean Bean.

If one were to cast a movie with Stallone, Seagal, Van Damme, Snipes, and Lundgren, the DVDs would have to be forged in the fires of Mt. Doom and no mortal DVD player would be able to weld the power of such a flick. If one were to add say, Chuck Norris and Antonio Sabato Jr. to the mix, pressing the play button would cause a rip in the very fabric of the universe itself.

I'd pay to see that. Also Vernon Wells and Gary Busey should be in there as the bad guys.

No Olivier Gruner? Or is he too low-rent for even this crowd?

He should be in there somewhere, preferably as a henchman to one of the villains(a mute at that). Also, throw Mark Dacascos a small role.

Okay say all these actors agreed to be in this imaginary superfilm... How much would it cost to pay all of them? how much do Van Damme or Lundgren get for those DTV flicks? Anyone know?

Just as long as there are a lot of explosions. And naked women. Explosions with naked women. Whatever.

Who would be the director?

Color me dissapointed. I fully expected a thread titled "Somebody wishes he was Bruce Willis" to be about Michael Chiklis.

All this talk about action stars and no mention of Jeff Wincott? What's wrong with you people?

F.T.W. Kid

For a second I thought we were getting a Steven Seagal/Billy Blanks dream team up.

For a second I thought it was John Salley. Thank god it wasn't.

I've always dreamed that the Magnificent Seven would be remade with 80s action stars.

You'd have Seagal, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Lundgren, Norris, and.... Originally the other one was Eastwood, but he's too grandfatherly now. Maybe an up and comer like The Rock or Vin Diesel.

My friends, I come before you now to make this most excellent thread whole with the true capper to this concept of the DTV action star commando ensemble epic movie. The idea came to me in the Transformers thread after reading this one: ....take all of these actors and put them in THE G.I. JOE MOVIE! It's sheer genius on every single level known to man! The only questions that remain are what actors would play which roles, a job I'll leave to Chewers more well-versed on the GI Joe stable of characters and in crappy action movie stars than I. But by God I can't wait to see what you guys come up with.

Sgt Slaughter - Vin Diesel

Because the more I think about that guy, the gayer he seems.

Nah, that idea reminds me too much of that awful Street Fighter movie with Van Damme.

I don't watch any of the DTV Films from any of these folk because the worse-than-average photoshop covers are probably covered in germs from Mexicans.

Ah, those Mexicans. They love action movies. There's a place in my living-hole in Mexico that only carries action films. And hell, most of them aren't even dubbed. They just like dem purdy explosions.


But wow....if that ensemble film was ever made.

Not only would it be theatrical, it'd be number one that weekend.

I imagine the only problem would be egos.


But it seems Ahnuld was the smartest one and became our Governor.

I feel sorry for whatever state ends up with Segal as Governor.

Or Van Damme as Secretary of Education.

What about Lorenzo Lamas? Any love for the mulleted one?

I was in a video store today and I saw a dvd with him entitled "Dark Waters". Its about a guy who creates super giant 'warrior sharks' that can be controlled as the 'ultimate weapon'. Not sure what Lamas role in it was, but I'm willing to bet he's a peaceful scientist with Navy Seal training. Strangly enough, there were know actual screenshots showing the sharks on the back cover of the dvd. I can only assume the actual sharks themselves were too terrifying/convincing/astoundingly amazing to be shown.

The last line of the blurb specifically posed the question, "Imagine legions of warrior sharks advancing silently on enemy positions". You know, because a lot of traditional land battles take place at sea.

Hey its just like an LOTR poster! I don't recognise this fellowship, but I feel sorry for the constipated Hobbit in the middle. It looks like the big guy in front has given him a wedgie.

For a minute there I thought that was good old Lou Diamond Phillips on the cover.

I sorry but I might do things differently...

Flint...must be George Clooney (like his character in Three Kings), Stallone, or an unknown .
Snake Eyes...could be Tony Jaa or Jet Li, or an unknown.
Duke...Bruce Willis, Tom Jane, or an unknown.
Lady Jaye...Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, or an unknown.
Roadblock...Michael Clark Duncan, Dijmon Honsou, Jamie Foxx, or an unknown.
Doc...Samuel L. Jackson, or an unknown.
Snowjob...Cole Hauser, Josh Lucas, or an unknown.
Scarlet...Laura Prepon, Jessica Biel, Nicole Kidman, or an unknown.
Grunt...an up n coming actor, or an unknown.
Gung Ho...an unknown.
Ace...Benjamin Bratt, or an unknown.
Bazooka...Matt LeBlonc, or an unknown.
Blowtorch...Cole Hauser, or an unknown.
Beachhead...Seagal, Eric Bana, or an unknown.
Stalker...Snipes, or an unknown.

Cobra Commander...Jude Law, Jake Weber, Edward Norton, Craig Bierko, Norman Reedus, Cole Hauser, Josh Lucas, or an unknown.
Destro...Taye Diggs, Tyrese, Vin Diesel, Lundgren, or an unknown.
Stormshadow...Jet Li, Tony Jaa, or an unknown.
The Baroness...Demi Moore, Angelina Jolie, Carla Gugino, or an unknown.
Zartan...Henry Rollins, Val Kilmer, or an unknown.
Major Bludd...Jean Reno, or an unknown.
Firefly...Bencio Del Toro, Tony Jaa, Jet Li, or an unknown.
Tomax and Xamot...Jeremy and Jason London, or unknown twins.
The Dreadnoks...some famous band, or unknowns.

If it were up to me I would film it all with unknowns, and have hardcore sex scenes, violence, and gore. Like a Verhoven film on overload. I would need 200 millions dollars for the film, at least, and it would be the greatest waste of money ever.

YES to everything you said, except I still believe that Destro was so black, even though he ended up not being in the comic, that he should be played by a black actor.

And the unknown thing was just to save money, because I want to go way over the top with it, Michael Bay on even more crack THE MOVIE!

He's a Bad Muthafucka either way!

Just watched Snipes' The Marksman, and it was pretty good for DTV fare.

It had a couple crappy explosions, but also some good ones with burning people in them.

All the actors did a decent job, none of the acting was obviously bad.

It had at least one glaring continuity problem where Youngbloods' character is shooting an AK then holding an Uzi, but he could have had both with him (taken from a dead bad guy), but the way it was edited it looked like a mistake.

The movie was a short and sweet DTV, with decent action (some nice headshots), no really terrible acting, some titties (the obligatory strip club scene), some good outdoor shots (some could have been stock footage, like the ones in the air especially), and a good enough story. I liked that there wasn't a lot of dialouge and it was short and to the point. Snipes was very much like the G.I.Joe Stalker character here that I envision him playing, except for the lack of teamwork aspect.

Some funny moments include: "Who can do this?", "This man.", then Snipes' face is shown on a screen in a board room (dun dun dun). In the same board room a frame that we just saw minutes ago is used as a "surveilance photo", except some asian guy is stuck in the frame next to the Russian 2nd in command. Also the American squad leader is the most inept, not in control, and scared special forces leader I've seen recently in film (though he does an okay job with the role).

I haven't seen Snipes' 7 seconds or Unstoppable, but after seeing The Marksman I'm hoping that Snipes may be a more consistent and reliable DTV hero than others have become.

Sorry no crazy martial arts at all, the movie is very realistic in that Snipes' character knows he doesn't have time to get into long drawn out hand to hand with people. He starts to fight a big Russian guy, but then realizes time is runnig out and just shots him in the gut. That made me happy.

Not that I don't want to see Snipes fight people hand to hand, but I liked that this movie was DTV but trumped a couple of the cliche' DTV conventions.

I can't wait for Today You Die. The trailer actually looks kind of cool.

Wait a minute, I must be insane to get my hopes up for a Seagal DTV film.

This thread has become a thing of beauty.

The marksman is obviously superior to Ters of the Sun.

Willis has a gun, Snipes has a sub-machine gun.

Willis has choppers, Snipes has planes.

Willis is bald, Snipes wears a hat.

Who wouldn't?