Make New Year's resolutions for other people

Count Chocula: Cut down on imbibing the sanguine humours of young american children, and increase the flow of the milk of human kindness. It's not just for your cereal anymore.

Martha Stewart: Quit endorsing imitation crab meat as being as good as the real thing when we all know she would never touch the stuff herself.

Alanis Morrisette: How about some reciprocity and doing that guest appearance on Glen Ballard's upcoming solo cd, especially after all the work he put into making your career.

Takashi Miike: Hey girlfriend. Where's that extended cut of zebraman you promised us. Just cause you make three movies a year in between your various awards-winning spelunking excursions in the subcontinent and various tsunami aid projects doesn't let you off the hook on this one, lassie.

Dexter Gordon and Johnny Griffin: The world has been waiting with bated breath for you two to do a real honest to god blowing session. Griff, you lowered yourself enough to do a kazillion albums with Lockjaw Davis, Dex is too good for you??? And Mr. Gordon, the littlest giant makes Wardell Gray sound like Stan Getz, if you know what I'm saying. So what are we waiting for, white girls?

Mr. Cheney: You're the single most important veep this country has ever known, and the reason we're winning the war in Iraq. Tell me you're joking about not running in '08. If you can't stay the course, how can America.

Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie: You produce the best live performance of 2005 (American Idol notwithstanding, btw) and you don't release it on dvd in time for Christmas???? That doesn't smack so much of negligence as it does sheer yuletide malice. It better be ready for Valentine's day, so I can show my "girl" that she's once...twice...three times the only lady who will let me near her. And beggars can't be too choosy.

Hmmm

Okay, here goes:

Peter Jackson: How 'bout a haircut? Please? No?

Barney: I command you to taste human-flesh. Seriously, stop embarrassing your species and let your instincts kick in.

Richard Roeper: Same thing goes for you.

George Romero: Buy some new glasses, the ones you have now make you look like an owl.

Devin: Will stop insulting members on the forum.