Quote:
Originally Posted by
Twitch Reflex 
Terence Stamp is blisteringly good in the role, which alternates between a really subtle father-in-grief performance and the badass arch-angel of vengeance that he seems to just switch into. It's a performance that's complimented well by Peter Fonda's forever mellow record producer. Watching Fonda squirm as Stamp closes in makes it all the better.
Awesome. I'm sure that eventually I'll see it.
Speaking of awesome, One Man Force... HO-LEE FUCK. I haven't had the pleasure of basking in the majesty that is Cold Steel, but from all descriptions it sounds just as bugfuck nuts as this movie is. You guys have got to see it. I know it's on Amazon for less than 10 dollars.
For the rest of this long post I'm going to be giving out spoilers-a-plenty so you can stop reading once I start bullet-pointing things if you want to. Just know that the movie is awesome in a way that only low-budget 80's films are; you have a giant 6 foot 8 dude who's like 300 pounds of all muscle. He often yells as he Hulks out and he uses his size and strength in ways you never thought. The score is by David Michael Frank and it's just like what he did with Above the Law and Hard to Kill, except quite a bit more exaggerated in its 80's-ness. There's also some hilariously terrible 80's dance tunes you get to hear, along with some cheese-tastic one-liners.
Many sons of bitches get killed, and the bad guys get off'ed in rather great and satisfying fashion. You can enjoy the cast of the likes of Ronny Cox, Charles Napier, Flash from Flash Gordon, one-hit wonder Stacey Q. (she isn't much of an actress), Richard Lynch, and in a note that Rene will enjoy, there's brief appearances from Buck Flower AND Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds! There's obvious sponsorship from Pepsi and Adidas which leads to some great outfits and goofy product placement (a giant dude wearing a tracksuit that's zipped down almost to the belly button? Sure! A 2 liter bottle of Slice that gets drunk like it's a 20 ounce bottle? Why not?). Where else will you see Charles Napier get punched in the cock and then get called a "fuckwad"? Where else can you see a brief cameo from the Dragnet movie battering ram/police vehicle? Yes, the one that says "Have a nice day"!
And then there's a gay bar scene that is so astounding you may swear I huffed some ether as no way could they have done what I'll describe, but I swear it is true.
* Now, onto the bulletpoints. The movie starts off with the giant John Matuszak as a cop. His partner was once Flash Gordon. Against their boss's orders (Cox) they go into a building to bust a deal. Flash gets shot. John (playing a guy named JAKE SWAN) Hulks up, yells out loud, and picks up a full size refrigerator and rams it into a guy, who crunches against a pillar. By the way, the deal happens inside a warehouse full of fridges.
* For some reason, in his bedroom is a giant bag of onions. Why, I have zero idea.
* He gets suspended from the force for being a loose cannon and wanting revenge. He decides to become a private detective and gets hired by a guy claiming to work for Leah Jennings, played by Stacey Q., who gets kidnapped. I won't get into the whole plot of what the bad guys do as it's rather standard but yet it's acceptable. Point is, he ends up at a place known as Blue Leather Bar which yes is a gay bar and OH. MY. GOD., this scene...
* You see what may be some of the greatest few minutes I've seen in my history of seeing movies. This gay bar is like the ones in Cruising combined with an 80's nightclub. Awful 80's music gets played as a band led by a chick in leather with a whip fake play along to the song. There's a guy dancing along in a giant birdcage and he's only in black briefs. The way the customers dress is varied and ranges from outright cross-dressing to leather to just some strange outfits. Of course, Jake gets hit on but he brushes him aside without using any homophobic slurs, which is good. The bartender is a black midget who looks like Rick James, jheri curl wig and all.
* Oh, and another black guy is leading around via dogchain tied to the neck a 5 foot tall white guy WHO IS WEARING A SAFARI OUTFIT, COMPLETE WITH HAT.
* Anyhow, one of the bad guys (who looks like a cross between Freddie Mercury and 80's era Edward James Olmos) spots Jake so he gets some goons to go after him. What does the lead good say? Why, "Are you boys up for a little GANGBANG?" Then, the guy leading safari dude around on a chain loudly proclaims, "It's Friday night, let's PAR-TAY!" and that's when my mind got blown.
* A cross-dresser tries to literally flying dropkick Jake, but misses. Then, he literally gets dogpiled on and is flat on the ground. Suddenly he Hulks up and shakes everyone off. Black guy gets kicked in the dick so thus Jake gets hold of the chain that is around safari guy's neck and well...
* Jake starts spinning around, which lifts up safari guy in the air and he is used as a weapon to knock everyone away (including bouncing off the walls in a crazy way) as if Jake was doing the hammer toss as the Olympics. YES. Safari guy gets tossed to the top of the birdcage, where he gets whipped by that faux singer.
* Charles Napier and big bald Jim Henry from Hard Times help Jake out... they go outside; however, a tranny is on top of Jake, her body sitting on his shoulders. As he goes outside, the doorway is too short, so the tranny crashes HARD onto the ground!
* Once they get outside they attack him as they want to kick his ass themselves. That's when the cockpunching occurs and...
* That has to be the greatest 5 minutes I've ever seen in cinematic history. It was so strange and so monkeyshit insane it became awesome.
* What follows can't possibly top that scene but it's still tremendous. Characters try to peep into a keyhole to see a pair of characters have loud sex! Jake romances the girl of another baddie; the actress's name according to the credits is BLUEBERRY. That's not the character name; that is what the actress said her name was. She has a fake French accent. He seduces her by saying that his dick is proportionate to the rest of his body!
* I think I've said enough about this astounding film. There's actually things I left out but I don't want to spoil the entire movie. It's a shame that Matuszak passed away the year this movie came out ('89) as besides him dying at the age of 38 I want to see more ridiculous action films with him as the lead.
Like I said, I am so happy I found out about this a few days ago. I had a blast watching this, as you can tell. It's a must-see for everyone here.
Unless Synapse acquires more Dolph titles I wouldn't expect too many more RED SCORPION miracles happening in the near future (and Warner Bros lamely backed out on Gary Goddard's self-coproduced set of spacial features for MASTERS 25th anniversary Blu edition so gives you the big studios state of minds on bonuses and non-blockbusters titles)...
