The SECOND Great Chewer Shit VHS B-Movie Swapathon - Page 3

I received one tape yesterday, a mildly Farscape-y looking chunk called Last Exit to Earth. Since this was in a single tape mailer, I assume there is another one coming. I can't wait. No really, I can't. Wait.

Your tapes are rolling down an eastbound road in a red plastic bubble mailer as I type this. I'm not sure postage has ever been used in such a careless way.

Have children before the package arrives. After viewing those tapes, you may not like how your DNA is functioning.

Just received the movies.

So sorry...

I've just got to say, that those two look the worst so far. Codename Icarus? Good heck.

Anyway, I got my package today, and Shane - ?!?!?!?!? Well played, good sir. I'll try to watch all of them before I leave for France, but I don't know how many I will be able to watch/stomach.





I think you may have outdone yourself here.



My favorite part: "Straight from it's theatrical release. . ."

Yeah, no kidding. My dad handed me the package, unaware of the swapathon, trying to to figure what person I knew in California named Thor. Not sure of the contents of this brown package, and not wanting to make an unwelcome discovery in front of him, I told him we weren't opening it until tomorrow night.

That Icarus cover art is great, though.

And I have to apologize to you, because of all the movies I bought, I kept one of my favorites for myself: Project: Metalbeast featuring Barry Bostwick.

I also picked up Troll 2, which is great but was not quite obscure enough to send.

Is it really a young Scott Bakula, or are my eyes playing tricks on me?

I also found some keepers among the dross-- I was particularly happy to acquire Highway to Hell, abandoned at a Market Street grindhouse. Anyone else dig up a treasure while they were looking for shit?

I also kept for myself: Terror at Tiny Town (an all midget western), Bloody Murder 2, and Tougher Than Leather (RUN-DMC movie).

I snagged myself a copy of Norman's Awesome Experience, an awful looking Bill and Ted knockoff.

I was worried that bringing in an Ironside film and a crap horror film to this site just might not be obscure enough for people, but I'll be honest, I actually feel bad for picking up Scavengers. I looked for something to replace it, but I couldn't find anything as perfectly awful looking as that. I really do feel sorry for you that you have to watch it.

But you do have to watch it. Going to France for the Mormon version of the Crusades is no excuse!

I'm not killing any Moors. . . Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not killing any Moops.

I'm gonna watch Ambush! tonight. Expect a full review tommorow.

Nevermind about that full review, it's total shit. I can't even find anything to even say. I am speechless, I am without speech.

1: How long was it?

2: Boobies?

3: Blood?

Again, sorry. But I did warn you. I hope you had something good to watch afterwards.

Awaiting my quadruple feature...

I recieved Billz package today- and was immediately very frightened. Not by the cruddy looking Antonio Sabato Jr. amusement park horror movie (rated PG, so I guess they are going for mood). Not by the epic "Psyclops" with the tagline "Video geek turned video freak". I was scared shitless by what initially looked like a bottle of astroglide amidst the newspaper filler in the bubble wrap. I really hope he doesn't want me to wank to a sub-Full Moon production...

Luckily, it was hand sanitizer that Billz scratched out and wrote "Eye Sanitizer"

I'll watch them this weekend, and hopefully Billz will get the second tape that I sent- it truly shames the Costas Mandylor production that he's already recieved.

OT- I don't think I can imagine the level of pain if you put that hand sanitizer in your eyes. Have you ever had a cut and put that stuff on your hands? And then in your eyes? Shah, no thank you.

1. 85 minutes of shit.
2. Yeah, but the video quality is so bad all skin tones are this ugly bleeding red.
3. Yes, of course.

Which reminds me... I watched about 15, 20 minutes of each because

A. Morbid Curiosity
and
B. To make sure they weren't damaged

But I forgot to rewind them before sending them off. Sorry.

I'll watch Codename: Icarus when my girlfriend gets back from her trip. She's the only one who can keep me focused on bad movies.

Something I just remembered and I can't believe I didn't say it before:

The postage for your package came out to be $6.66.

Can't wait. Quiet here lately-- that just because of Spring Break?

What I wouldn't give for a spring break...

I'm not savvy enough to put the pictures directly in the message, but here are attachments of the covers of the glorious crap Billz sent me.

BTW Billz, did you ever get video #2? I hope so, it was the worst looking thing I could find...

I received the second a couple of days after the first, but I haven't been able to watch either yet. I will do so this weekend and report on the relative level of magnetic tape rape.

Hey, Psyclops looks quite good.


I was going to go to that 'Boogaloo' quiz night tonight and try to win some porn, but i promised to run an open mic night for a friend. Strax, win porn for me.

Double post.

hatrick!

oh for fuck's sake.

Nobody's getting my copy of Pretty Peaches. Nobody.

They're heeeeere...

Yikes. But hey, P.J. Soles is in one of them so it can't be all bad...

...or can it?

That Grotesque cover reminded me of those Swedish(?) movie posters that have nothing to do with the movie.

Survivor:

Not a whole lot to review for this movie. It fails on almost, okay let's say every, level. Highlights:

1. Begins with an Ed-Wood-esque use of stock footage to show a shuttle launching, and a thingy spin in space. Apparently when nuclear war happens, it will be because of spinning thingies in space.

2. It takes a half an hour before we see lead actor Chip Mayer's lips move to create words. Plenty of voice-over work up to this point. He's alone for the majority of the time, but there are three separate confrontations, and one where he has an internal monologue-dialogue with a female character, leading up to the pivotal mouth-moving moment.

3. Breasts.

4. Pretty ocean shots before the girl is inexplicably kidnapped by Bull from Night Court. He's the bad-guy of the movie.

5. Chip goes to a hidden city which is basically a factory. Kind of impressive for a film this bad to create a city looking area like this.

6. Philosophical argument from one group of the city's people to get Chip to go kill Bull from Night Court; confrontation about which nation caused the destruction of the world, Cold War subtext abounds. This film is beginning to get deep.

7. Wait right there, film. Don't get too deep too fast, there are fight scenes on large dangling chains to get to. This fight lasts too damn long, seems to be representative of the film. Chip fights off a number of guys, gets to Bull from Night Court's chambers.

8. Bull from Night Court explains how he's going to repopulate the earth with his seed and his harem. Chip wants to stop him. He offers Chip the opportunity to help him populate the earth, and to teach the kids everything. Bull from Night Court has an Encyclopedia, we're not necessarily lead to believe that he was a door-to-door salesman, but I think I'm not wrong in thinking it.

9. Chip sees girl (who, by the way, has a nearly unintelligible Russian-ish accent; but more importantly: breasts), who is now a member of Bull from Night Court's harem. He refuses Bull from Night Court's offer for a sex-filled life, and tries to fight him. Bad idea.

10. Horribly long and plodding fight scene where they run around the factory with Bull from Night Court beating Chip at almost every confrontation. Think of the end of Terminator II, and remove all of the excitement and interesting bits, and this is what you get.

11. Chip kills Bull from Night Court by making a light fixture fall on him.

12. Completely unnecessary ending segment back at the pretty ocean where Chip and girl embrace on the top of a boat thing. Incredibly cheesy 80's music with sappy lyrics and bad synth sounds plays us out to the end credits.

A very boring movie, with a hilarious ending. I'm tired of thinking about it.