The SECOND Great Chewer Shit VHS B-Movie Swapathon - Page 2

I picked up 4 movies, 2 creature horror, one EXTREME low-budget horror with no production company even listed on the box, and a space-action flick. I'll be sending them by Friday.

This afternoon I came upon a Video clearinghouse that had a fantastic selection of crap VHS. I seriously debated long and hard over my selections. Do I go for the Ron Silver directed update of Hitchcock's Lifeboat (Lifepod)? How about that Teri Garr/Candice Cameron picture? They seemed so good (well, so bad) that I wanted them all. I ended up picking two- one strictly adhering to the swap rules, the other schlocky fun with Costas Mandylor. If Costas is too much of a name for the swap, god help us all...

Billz- when you get them, disregard the price tags. They are marked $5.99, but they were actually 2 for 1, so I stayed within limits for the swap.

I'm sending two. One is a Wargames ripoff from the BBC that I chose exclusively for its pathetic box art, and the other... is quite simply vile from top to bottom. Found it at the Goodwill store, innocently shelved amongst exercise tapes and religious cartoons, and couldn't get it shipped and out of my possession fast enough. Soy, you should be getting them Monday.

P.S. I suggest that everyone try and make scans of their submissions before sending them. In case they get lost we can still share the 'art' later.

Oh Shane, you poor soul. When I went to go and purchase the title I picked for you, it turned out that it was a store two-for-one sale, so I grabbed one more. Once I ran that one through for free they told me that there is a corporate-wide by two get two free sale. So basically I picked up four of the best bad movies I could find. I'll give you a hint, though - the original that I bought you is the movie that starts with the letter H.

Absolutely brilliant news.

Plans to get the film (or films, as it seems 2-for-1 deals are rampant) fell through tonight, but I will definitely have them bought and in the mail on Thursday.

I'm failing. Though there are a hell of a lot of Buffy tapes in the charity shops of Victoria. And Independence Day. I've seen 5 copies of that. In a perfect world, it would qualify.

One more try, and then i'm going to send Dan a VHS I won at a pubquiz in the pub that was the basis for Shaun Of The Dead's 'Winchester'.

IMDB's glorious readers add:

"In this camcorder retelling of "It's Alive", a bunch of people are terrorized on a sound stage by a really ferocious hand puppet."

"it looks like an old, used Cabbage Patch doll with a hole in it's forehead to shoot out "blood." It doesn't even move on it's own, and so it "attacks" people only when the "victim" holds it to their own neck and pretends to thrash around with it for a bit."

"I have _never_ seen a film as bad as this. Not "House of the Dead", not "Strangeland", not "Silent Night, Deadly Night 4"... not even "Werewolf".

I'm going to stick my neck out and say...Sewage Baby?

See, now that movie looks like it could be quite good. Amazingly, it's other title - 'the suckling' - is even better than 'sewage baby'.

But no, this baby doesn't come from the decline of morality in a modern America, but from an ancient race of giant monster babies.

Yep, the Boogaloo. A silly name.

You're going to tell me you know the owners.

Get a room, you bummers.

Wear a tulip in your lapel.

I missed out on Misty Mundae's entire catalogue by 3 points.

What's Misty Mundae?

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0612691/

It was the film-parodies that were up for winning.

Man, I feel like an idiot. When you said catalogue, I thought that a Misty Mundae was a type of product or something like that, not a softcore star.

Holy fucking Jesus.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091688/

It's called 'Hell Camp' on the version Dan has sent me. I can't find a picture of the cover it has, but this one is so much better anyway:



Full review soon.

You must scan it. The cover for Hellcamp features what is possibly the worst rendition of Tom Skerrit I've ever seen - and I've seen Poltergeist III. It's like a painting of a Tom Skerrit action figure that's suffered a massive stroke.

I remember that in the video shop.

If you do a Google search for "opposing force" (the alternate title) and "tom skerritt" you'll find a delightful Czech gallery of all the nude female humiliation scenes. Which may save you the pain of watching it.

I don't have a scanner, should I just send without scanning?

Yeah, don't worry about it. I would like to see a collection of bad cover art when everyone gets their stuff though.

Giles should be getting an item with no IMDB external reviews, two comments, and one which I had to find one of its six alternate titles to actually identify it with.

Two of my movies I was unable to find on imdb, but I didn't do a real thorough search.

My contributions: Movie #1 has a direct IMDB listing but no synopsis or reviews, though Amazon makes it sound fairly decent-- I didn't have time to watch it. I rest my case on the terrible box art though.

Movie #2 is listed under a different title and several other aliases, plus a surprisingly sympathetic external review. Which is bullshit. It is currently unavailable on tape or DVD.

I was just looking over the old thread and was surprised to see that one of my runners-up, Prototype X29A, has already been tapped. Now what am I going to do with the thing?

Hammerhead when you say the second movie is utterly vile, you don't mean like, scat porn, do you?

Okay, I'm doubling up now, with two VHS's, being as I'm sending this puppy to Canada. One is the kite-ninja-ridden "Ninja Apocalypse". The other I will pick from my friend's ratty VHS collection, one which features many studio-less classics.

No, but there is a lot of rape.

Giles:

Your item is winging its way to you, however, there's a slight glitch:

It's Beta. Do you/can you find anything to play/dub this on, or do you want me to send another as well?

Señor Cellophane: I picked up the "films" at a local video rental store-tanning salon. Seriously.
Sadly, I didn't get to the post office on time, but I'll do it first thing in the morning, so it should be at your door next Tuesday/Wednesday. Sorry for the delay.

Oh, I got your package, and I must say, you did a fantastic job. Also, the toilet paper was a nice touch.

As usual I was sidetracked this weekend, but I did buy the videos for johnnycinco and will be mailing them hopefully tomorrow.

A hint of the filth to come: one is a zero-budget Ringu/Videodrome/From Beyond ripoff. The other stars a male model turned "actor" and some murderous amusement park rides.

Glad it got to you safely, Shane. I hope they are great. Or horrible. I still don't know if this should be enjoyable or if you should be writhing in pain. Nevertheless, I hope you get the desired reaction. And if you ever have the chance, I would love for you to scan that Hollywood Cop artwork, as it's one of my favorites that I've ever seen.

I anxiously await your pick.

Well, I watched "Survivor" on Saturday, and it was quite bad. Full review along with pics of the covers (I don't have a scanner, so my digital camera will have to do) will be coming.
I'm looking forward to your other films, especially "SYNGENOR: SYNthetic GENetic ORganism", though "HOLLYWOOD COP" seems exciting, as does "XTRO".
By the way, I forgot to mention that you've got three flicks coming your way.

Wahoo! Pain!

I sent the movies today.

Dan will have my shit on his hands very soon.


Was the toilet paper used?

I've seen Hell Camp. What a pussy piece of shit it is.

Soldiers on a training mission are 'captured' by a special unit to train them in what it is like to be captured and tortured by evil, possibly communist, enemy forces, It is interesting to note that, made in the mid-80's, the prison camp is lifted straight from Vietnam. Or, at least, 'Nam movies.

Anthony Zerbe does sterling work chewing the scenery as the camp commander. "i am the one and only. I am the almighty. I am god around here and i am a vengeful god."

Tom Skerritt is good value for watching him try to act against absolutely nothing. Lots of extraneous activity and attempts to give the other actors something to bounce off of - all of which is roundly ignored. It reminded me of Christopher Walken in another 80's piece of shit 'McBain', in which 4 middle aged men take over South America. There's also Skeritt naked with clamps on his nipples and genitals, though the fuzzy wonder of VHS denies us the details.

But the hell camp is like nothing more than an S&M summer camp. Everyone knows that it is an 'exercise' to train the soldiers in how to deal with being captured by the enemy. The 'prisoners' accept it and just whine like pussies and the camp leaders are very open about it, thus completely destroying any tension. There's forced marches, white noise, manual labour and some naked showering.
Where's the death in the first 15 minutes to show that these guys are in deep shit with psycho prison wardens? Where's the sexual humiliation and extended torture? dammit? All we get is some poking with bamboo sticks and some amazingly pansy fake punches.

This complete lack of exploitation can only lead me to believe that the film-makers were taking it seriously as some exploration of the means the army will go to to train its soldiers and its psychological effects on both captives and guards. Only there's none.

The rape finally happens about an hour in, and its done in quick flashes and cut-aways. It's also done by Anthony Zerbe, so the sight of a flabby, fully clothed middle aged man huffing away on top of a naked lady barely visible under his flab is good for a giggle.

It's also taken completely seriously. This is the totally unnacceptable thing that drives Tom Skerritt over the edge. A bunch of trained killers getting into a hissy fit over forced sex. It comes over as terribly quaint, which possibly makes me a monster, but it does completely undermine the one point that the movie did try and make - that women in the military should be treated as equals and not protected as some delicate flowers by manly men warriors.

That said it does move surprisingly quickly, which is why i managed to get through all of it, though when it finally gets to the goodies vs baddies firefight at the end it gets very, very boring.

So on the shit scale, going from cheap vindaloo to Guinness baby, this really only rates a bad kebab.

I mailed off Billz movies this weekend and had a good laugh that postage for the tapes was more than the actual cost of them. Now I can only hope that they bring him great joy/pain. If they live up to their back cover copy, they should be gold.

You have to scan in that cover. I had it sent direct from the seller, so I never got to see it up close, just to picture he had on his auction.

Strax's is similarly sublime; not only pre-cert, but also a Dino Di Laurentiis production on that great of great labels, Thorn EMI. Also, Yaphet Kotto!

I see what you mean.

Gusset's dollop of shit landed on my mat this morning - 666: The Demon Child. According to IMDB, "don't watch if you need special effects to enjoy a horror flick", which doesn't bode well.

I must also express mild disappointment that the movie in question is a mere two years old - hardly the heyday of VHS sleaze, you preening dandy - but as I subjected him to the sight of Skerritt's nipple clamps, I realise this is flimsy moral ground.

That is quality artwork if ever I saw it.

The markets in my area are farmers' markets. The charity shops only sell hollywood blockbusters and episodes of 'Friends'. I asked three of these shops whether they had a special boxes of unsellable VHS. They said 'i don't know', 'i only work here on Tuesdays' and 'i think we just throw them out'. I can not escape the ponce. '666' is really shit though, honest.