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I <3 Dead Jesus

post #1 of 21
4/13/06 at 9:16am
Thread Starter 
I get Friday AND Monday off! In your face non-Christian countries!
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post #2 of 21
4/13/06 at 9:19am
He died for our convenience.
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post #3 of 21
4/13/06 at 9:23am
Yeah, but I've had the last two weeks off.

Oh well. As usual, it's time to bring out my favourite Easter-related comedy skit.

'Interesting that they (Australia) celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word bunny or chocolate anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you’re making shit up - you know - go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations: "Mum, today I found a Lincoln log in me sock drawer." That’s the story of Jesus!'
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post #4 of 21
4/13/06 at 10:16am
"The Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the...cross.....well, you tell me. It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids"--kids eating the chocolate eggs--"Jesus died for your sins."

"Yeah, I know, it's great!”

“No, no, no, it's bad, it's bad!”

“ No, it's bad! It's very bad....it's terrible....whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."

And the bunny rabbits, where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?"

Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival--it's the spring festival!"
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post #5 of 21
4/13/06 at 10:18am
Don't know about Engerland but over here, Good Friday of Jeebus is a booze-free zone. No pubs open, no off-licences, nada. The fucking 21st Century, and its still a fucking LAW that you can't buy grog on the day of the death of the son of an invisible and quite probably imaginary deity. What that essentially means is there is country-wide panic today, á la 50's Nuclear Holocaust instructional videos, and a sea of huffing red-faced Micks converge on every two-bit hooch shop to stock up on far too many luke-warm cans of Tuborg and giant bags of Dry Roasted peanuts so they (we) can sit at home and get absolutely fucking langers and the world still makes sense. I love Easter.
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post #6 of 21
4/13/06 at 10:32am
Every day is a holiday when you're unemployed.
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post #7 of 21
4/13/06 at 10:36am
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix_214
Every day is a holiday when you're unemployed.
Or when you're me. Well for the next few weeks anyway. Then I'm starting a new job on top of what I'm already doing, where I have an actual schedule and have to be there on time, and all that bs.
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post #8 of 21
4/13/06 at 10:50am
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix_214
Every day is a holiday when you're unemployed.
how sadly true.
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post #9 of 21
4/13/06 at 11:49am
Anyone else run into religious/superstitious shitheadedry like restaurants not serving meat on Good Friday? Or is that just my predominantly Irish Catholic town?

I want to go order a rare steak...nailed to the plate.
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post #10 of 21
4/13/06 at 12:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix_214
Every day is a holiday when you're unemployed.
Every day is a Sunday when you're unemployed. There's a difference.
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post #11 of 21
4/13/06 at 1:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Jim Slade
Anyone else run into religious/superstitious shitheadedry like restaurants not serving meat on Good Friday? Or is that just my predominantly Irish Catholic town?

I want to go order a rare steak...nailed to the plate.
Chick-fil-A will be closed this Easter Sunday.

Just so you know.


Oh, and if eggs are for fertility, what are marshmallows for?
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post #12 of 21
4/13/06 at 1:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Jim Slade
Anyone else run into religious/superstitious shitheadedry like restaurants not serving meat on Good Friday? Or is that just my predominantly Irish Catholic town?
Every liquor store in the state of Connecticut is closed every Sunday of the year, whether it's the anniversary of a fictional character's death or not. And the package stores have to close at 9 PM every other day of the week. The bodega where I work my second job can sell crack pipes and hardcore pornography 24/7, but it would make the Baby Jesus cry if we sold a Sam Adams to a consenting adult after 9.
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post #13 of 21
4/13/06 at 1:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobblemonkey
Oh, and if eggs are for fertility, what are marshmallows for?
Irregularity.
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post #14 of 21
4/13/06 at 2:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by fatlaurence
Every day is a Sunday when you're unemployed. There's a difference.
Technically, since we're in a religious thread and all, isn't every Sunday a holiday?
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post #15 of 21
4/13/06 at 2:39pm
I accept that we unemployables have a lot of time on our hands, but I can't wrap my head around that one.

I'll take the easy option and just say - No. I'm an Atheist
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post #16 of 21
4/13/06 at 5:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brad Millette
He died for our convenience.
I want that on a tee-shirt, and I want it now.
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post #17 of 21
4/13/06 at 7:48pm
I had the whole week off for my birthday. My birthday is a better holiday than Easter, since I can pretty much prove that I exist.
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post #18 of 21
4/13/06 at 8:00pm
Who was this Jesus fella again?
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post #19 of 21
4/13/06 at 8:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Uth Vaspetad
Who was this Jesus fella again?
Look, if you're not going to keep up with Mel Gibson movies, then I can't hold your hand.
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post #20 of 21
4/13/06 at 8:04pm
I thought it was the Jesus that was into 8 year olds. My mistake.
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post #21 of 21
4/14/06 at 4:01am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Uth Vaspetad
I thought it was the Jesus that was into 8 year olds. My mistake.
Hey, nobody fucks with the Jesus.
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