KARATE KOMMANDOS on Cartoon Network: Analysis, Discussion, and Speculation

PART 1: DEADLY DOLPHINS

I've just finished watching this episode. I know many of you probably saw it as it aired at 5:30 in the morning so forgive me if I'm lagging a bit.

When I started to watch this I wasn't sure if I recorded the right show. I was hoping this was the cartoon featuring Chuck Norris but I wasn't positive. Luckily his name is mentioned 8 times in the program's intro so my fears quickly turned to relief.

For the first chapter in the saga I think the storyline is playing out nicely. I was a little put off by the fact that we aren't given a proper introduction to Norris' team of commandos, pardon me, kommandos. How did Norris meet Pepper, Read, Tabe, Timo, and that kid whose name escapes me. In addition, Norris is playing himself in this show but at no time does anybody seem starstruck that they're fighting the forces of evil alongside Chuck Norris. You'd think someone would have asked him what it was like to work with Bruce Lee or Lee Van Cleef but no, everyone goes along their business as if Chuck Norris working as a government operative is completely normal.

I was worried that Claw's plan to use the Sealab to destroy Japan unless he was given a billion dollars in gold would succeed. Especially after Pepper, Timo, Read, and the kid whose name escapes me were taken captive leaving only Norris and Tabe to both foil Claw's plan and rescue their fellow patriots. It seemed even more hopeless when it was revealed that Super Ninja was brought in to make sure Angel Fish didn't fuck things up.

I feel like a real bunghole for losing faith in the Karate Kommandos even if it was for only a few minutes. Of course Pepper, Timo, Read, and KWNEM would find a way to free themesleves.

I knew Japan would be saved when Norris squared off against Super Ninja. Super Ninja is full of hate, anger, and possibly tennis elbow because he could not put up much of a fight against Chuck. At one point Super Ninja tossed a metal panel at Norris which he quickly punched and caused the panel to break into 2 seperate pieces. I imagine this defeat will cause Super Ninja to look within himself and examine what justifies the belief that he's super, perhaps after some soul searching he will be more prepared for future battles with the KK.

I was glad Norris explained after the adventure that his team won because they didn't give up. He would elaborate that even if you don't take on Claw in real life this positive attitude can help you deal with things such as losing the big game or messing up on a test.

I'm interested to see what Claw will do in tomorrow's installment. If he's smart he'll go after Japan again because I don't think the Karate Kommandos would expect him to go after that target so soon after this plan failed.

A side note, during a commercial break there was an ad for a product known as "Floam." It's hard to decribe but kids can do many amazing things with Floam. Here's more info from their website:

http://www.buyfloam.com/?cid=132025

This is an ideal product for parents looking for fun ways to keep kids from using narcotics.

Man, I wonder if my Ford Focus can be fitted with a set of Shinobi Slicers like in that ad. Talk about a theft deterrent. Not that anyone would ever steal a Ford Focus but it would still be cool to have them.

Hey, I remember that dude.

On the streets I was from we had a saying about Fleer. “Fleer is for Que…,” well you get what I’m saying.

Remember that one Billy Ripken Fleer card? That may be my favorite use of profanity ever.

You can't really make it out here but someone thought it would be fun to write a naughty term on the bottom of Ripken's bat:



At the time it was the scandle that rocked the hobby from its very foundation.

I’ve never seen JCA so I’m not sure how it compared to KK. I’ll take Fazer’s word that it is a direct lift. I have seen a few episodes of Martin Kove’s Slaphappy Marauders and that show was tremendous.

PART 2: TARGET: CHUCK NORRIS

The second part of this tale found Claw up to his old tricks again. In the first 15 seconds he floods Amsterdam, but he only does it so his army of ninjas can steal some sort of NATO device from a bank. Don't ask me what this device does, if you must know lets just say it turns water to magma or Oreos to Hydrox. It's not important. What's important is that Claw wanted it, but Claw wanted something else in this episode. That's right, as the installment's title suggests this time the target for Claw was in fact Chuck Norris.

This plan makes perfect sense. If they could eliminate Norris the Karate Kommandos would be as worthless as personal checks at a strip club. The first attempt to destroy Norris took place at a gas station where Norris goes to fill up his Karate Corvette. He planned to use Karate Unleaded for the Karate Corvete but before he could stop his engine Claw's forces attacked. This leads to our first glimpse at the Karate Corvete's arsenal of weapons. The Shinobi Slicers were even more powerful than I could have imagined. Norris escaped this attempt on his life and prepared himself to attend a swanky charity event to raise money for a Karate summer camp for kids.

The charity event seemed to be going fine until Claw's forces crashed the party and made another play at Norris. They failed again, but they did manage to kidnap Norris' young ward Two Much. Two Much is the name of the kid who I didn't catch in the first episode. I remember him saying "Two Much" but I thought that was the kid's catchphrase like "Don't have a cow man!" and not his name. I apologize for not picking up on that earlier.

The kidnapping of Two Much made me wonder why Norris has him around to begin with. Norris and the Karate Kommandos are constantly going on dangerous missions at which the wrong move could easily lead to certain death. Seems like a bad atmosphere to have some kid be a party to. I doubt Two Much is older than 11 which makes his involvement with the Karate Kommandos more than just a morale issue, but a legal one as well.

I will say this for Norris. When a young ward of his is kidnapped he does work pretty hard to get him back. Such was the case here as Norris, still wearing the tuxedo from the fund raiser, beat his way through all sorts of obstacles to rescue Two Much. He even fought Super Ninja...AGAIN! Round 2 between Norris and Super Ninja was a real letdown. Super Ninja got kicked in the head maybe twice and then retreated like a bitch.

With this threat over we were left with Norris' final words of advice for this episode. It had something to do with how bullies aren't really tough because they pick on people who are weaker than they are. I'd like to give Norris the advice of keeping small children away from fighting global terrorists and ninjas but somehow I don't think he'd listen.

Animated Norris, yes, still mixed on the real deal.

PART 3: TERROR TRAIN

Still reeling from the defeat suffered in part 2, Claw made a calculated move in his efforts to control the world, or make a lot of money, or whatever the hell his main goal is in this 3rd edition of KK. The object of Claw’s desire this time was a robot. Not just any robot, but a robot that shoots lasers and is thus referred to often in the episode as the laser robot.

Thanks to the grace of the good Lord above, when Claw’s forces made their play for the laser robot the Karate Kommandos were there to stop them. It was a real team effort as everyone made a contribution. At one point Pepper helped out Read, to which Read replied by saying “Thanks sis!” What the hell? Pepper and Read are siblings? I never saw that revelation coming. Nothing in the previous 2 episodes would lead you to believe that Pepper and Read passed through the same birth canal. In fact I detected a bit of sexual tension between Pepper and Read and spent a few lunch breaks at work last week drawing crude renderings of Pepper and Read in uncompromising positions. Now I feel creepy for having done that.

Just when it looked like the Karate Kommandos had stopped Claw’s men they once again kidnapped Chuck’s young ward Two Much. Honest to Elvis why can’t Norris figure the fuck out that as long as he has a kid in his squad he will always be a weakness to the overall effectiveness of the Karate Kommandos.

After Two Much is snatched Norris returns to rescue mode to get him back. At one point he commandeers a motorcycle belonging to a couple of dudes who were fishing. The young men are confused when Norris takes off with their bike but are relieved when Chuck tells them “Sorry guys, this is an emergency. I’m Chuck Norris. Contact me through the American Embassy.”

Yes, Norris did rescue Two Much. Yes, he did stop Claw from stealing the laser robot. Yes, he did beat the shit out of Super Ninja. No, I do not feel watching these episodes has been the least productive 90 minutes of my life (not by a long shot).

With TERROR TRAIN coming to a close we again are treated to Norris at his dojo ready to provide us with commentary about this recent animated adventure. “I don’t like having to resort to violence, it’s always my last option. I’d rather walk away from a fight if I can.” If only Claw shared that world outlook, we’d all sleep a little easier.

That was another thing that I was going to bring up but I'm still trying to wrap my head around. The Karate Kommandos ride a bullet train containg the laser robot. Super Ninja puts a bomb under the train and then Claw informs Norris and Co. that if they don't hand the robot over the train will explode. Claw further states that if the bullet train goes under a certain speed it will also explode (Inspiration for SPEED?). After that the show cuts to commercial to allow the audience to catch their breath.

When KK returns the entire Karate Kommandos team has managed to escape the train. But the remaining crew and passengers still need to be saved. If the KK squad could easily get off I don't see why anybody else couldn't have done the same, especially if the Karate Kommandos had tried to help them escape before they turned tail and split from the train.

PART 4: MENACE FROM SPACE

At first I was upset that there was a 4 day gap in between KK episodes but it was probably for the best. Lord knows I didn't sleep much on the days it was on, mainly due to nightmares involving Super Ninja watching me from outside my bedroom window. So it was nice to get a few days to relax and fall back into a normal sleeping pattern.

But it's back to business for the Karate Kommandos as this adventure found Claw and his cadre setting their sights on stealing a space shuttle. The Karate Kommandos did their best to stop the theft but alas this time they were outnumbered. The highlight of this sequence involved yet another fight between Norris and Super Ninja. "I've waited a long time for this Norris," says Super Ninja. What's he smoking? Long time? He fights him like every other day it seems. In a stunning turn of events Super Ninja finally gets some decent licks in on Norris and makes off with the space shuttle.

Now I was wondering why Claw would want control of a space shuttle. Sure, it's cool to have a space shuttle but what's it going to give you over the long haul? Especially if you don't have the type of maintenance crew needed to make sure the shuttle remains in tip-top running condition. What I didn't know was that the shuttle had a powerful laser weapon capable of destroying all of Earth's major cities. Finally I saw the method to Claw's madness. If the world's leaders didn't pay up it would mean the end to beloved cities such as Paris, Venice, and maybe even Norris' birthplace of Ryan, Oklahoma.

What would the Karate Kommandos do to avert this crisis? I mean it's one thing for them to defeat Claw on land, sea, and air but how could they stop a threat based in outer space? I'll tell you how. Norris, with the help of his team, busts into a museum in Anchorage, Alaska and "borrows" an X-15 space rocket kept there for display. His duration as a space pilot is not very long. As soon as he approaches the shuttle his X-15 is blasted into pieces. But not before Norris ejects, and with the use of a fire extinguisher, propels himself to the shuttle.

Once inside, Norris gets his chance for payback on Super Ninja by smacking him around six way to silly. He rights the wrongs done to him earlier in the show and stops the shuttle from destroying cities such as Paris, Venice, and Norris' birthplace of Ryan, Oklahoma. Sadly, Super Ninja escaped to get his ass kicked another day.

The end of the show once again found the real life Norris ready to dispense with some wisdom. It was some gibberish about how this space adventure teaches a lesson about how kids should do their homework before watching TV.

So it all comes down to one more episode. One more chance to see the Karate Komamndos in action. One more chance for Claw to attain world domination when in reality he probably would be better off finding the love of a good woman. So many questions that need answering in the finale. Who will live? Who will die? Why does Norris have both a young ward and a teenage apprentice?

PART 5: ISLAND OF THE WALKING DEAD

All good things...

It was definitely a bittersweet feeling as I sat down to view the final episode of "Karate Kommandos." I was very excited to see how it would play out but part of my soul was sad that this would be the last time I'd ever see the KK squad in action.

This outing found Claw hellbent on stealing a satellite that can be used to control our nation's military bases. He once again dispatches Super Ninja and assorted other baddies to destroy the satellite's tracking system which was aboard a battleship, a battleship that just happens to also be carrying the Karate Kommandos. This leads to a hell of a throwdown but unfortunately the tracking system is destroyed allowing Claw to seize control of the satellite.

As luck would have it, one of Claw's non-super ninjas was not able to flee the scene. This captured rapscalion informs the KK that Claw is located on Voodoo Island. This is where the show gets on interesting.

Once on Voodoo Island it doesn't take long for the Karate Kommandos to run into trouble. They split up, Norris and Sabe go in one direction while the other 4 head the other way. Of course it doesn't take long for the other 4 (which includes Two Much, still being put in harm's way) to get into trouble, this time they found themselves face to face with zombies! That's right, ZOMBIES! But what sucks is that these zombies don't try to eat the brains of the Karate Kommandos. All they do is capture them. That was kind of weak. But it did set up a kickass scene where Norris rescues his team by beating up some zombies.

It was starting to look up for our heroes when Super Ninja arrived on the scene. Now Super Ninja has been Norris' bitch for this entire series. I was wondering what last trick he had up his sleeve. Well he was definietly prepared this go around as he revealed his newest toy, a Chuck Norris voodoo doll. Super Ninja was just about to put a pin in the doll when Norris tossed a ninja star at Super Ninja, causing him to drop the doll. This gave Norris and crew the chance they needed to go right after Claw.

This was what I have been waiting for. So often Norris just missed his chance to get Claw but now, this being the final show, they'd finally settle things once and for all. Norris enters Claw's headquarters, my heart races. He sees Claw, I begin to salivate. Then Claw makes his getaway and guess what? He gets away. Norris is asked why he doesn't go after Claw and all he says is "Forget it, we'll get him next time." Uh, no you won't Norris. Show is over dumbass. Claw is a free man forever.

The Karate Kommandos use one of Claw's planes to escape Voodoo Island. Super Ninja makes one last stab at Norris but at that point I didn't really care about the outcome. Norris could have beaten him to a bloody pulp and then ear fucked him and it wouldn't change the fact that this show ended with Claw getting away. I felt betrayed. All I had left was Norris' last bit of real-life advice at his dojo.

You'd think this being the last episode that Norris would really leave us with some juicy shit to chew on. This is what we got:

"Remember, everyone makes mistakes. You do, I do, your parents do. But being able to love them in spite of those mistakes is what makes you a very special person. Catch you later."

That's it? That's lame even for a G.I. JOE "Knowing is half the battle" message. What made it even worse is as he spoke those words he was wearing one of those half-shirts that ladies usually wear when they work out, but for some reason guys used to wear them in the 80's.

What a horrible way to go out.

I believe legal action was avoided because this "Claw" spelled his name "Klaw." I didn't bother to write it that way because I thought "Klaw" looked stupid. That's not true, I just didn't know it was spelled "Klaw" on the show until about midway through the story arc. But seeing as how I misspelled half the names of the Karate Kommandos (Read?) I figured proper spelling of the main villain wasn't that big a deal.

The important thing is that he got away and has had 20 years to plan some serious payback.