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The Fat of the Land Discussion

post #1 of 2
7/12/06 at 5:16am
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By Thomas Moore III

http://chud.com/stories/6549
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post #2 of 2
7/12/06 at 11:18am
A fine read. I enjoyed the overall concept very much. I think a whole lot more could be done with that mesmerist idea, very groovy. I just have two small critiques:

1) It's unclear at first how many men there are. A small line like, "there were five of us then" or something would clear that right up, perhaps more distinct names.

2) The end seems a bit rushed. Especially his startving to death. Perhaps showing him trying to force feed himself, then vomiting it up or something, but it just feels too easy for him. He needs to suffer more.

Glad to see a new CHUD story.
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