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Talking Shit

post #1 of 207
9/20/06 at 1:26pm
Thread Starter 
This just made my morning, so I figured I'd pass it along:

Dude in the public bathroom, talking loudly on his cell phone. On the toilet. In the middle of what can only be described as one of the most painful and stubborn bowel movement in the history of turds. And this is how his conversation went:

"No, you can just call Dallas and UUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGHHH Jesus tell them to ship the packages overnight. Why don't they use RRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNGGGGG oh God FedEx? Yeah, tell them we'll pick up the NNNNNNNNNNHYYAAA fuck the shipping charges if they send it out today."

And it went on like that for a good five minutes. I should know; I stood there and listened to the whole thing.

Sometimes you just have one of those moments where you realize, you know what? Humanity is gonna be all right after all. This was one of those moments.
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post #2 of 207
9/20/06 at 1:28pm
You have the best shit-based stories.
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post #3 of 207
9/20/06 at 1:36pm
Did you laugh? I would have had to leave because I was laughing my ass off.
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post #4 of 207
9/20/06 at 1:46pm
Obviously he's talking about some really fucking important packages.
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post #5 of 207
9/20/06 at 2:01pm
YouTube Live--Coming to a crapper near you.
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post #6 of 207
9/20/06 at 2:26pm
I hope you started singing "Push It."
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post #7 of 207
9/20/06 at 6:57pm
It must've been good to stay there that long. I hope they had some seriously good air freshener!

I'd love to know what the person he was talking to was thinking!
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post #8 of 207
9/20/06 at 7:01pm
I was in a rest area bathroom about a month ago and was leisurely relieving myself when a voice from the handicapped stall next door said, "They put a goddamn mirror on the door. I got to watch myself take a shit."

I barely made it out of there without cracking up.
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post #9 of 207
9/20/06 at 7:29pm
Thread Starter 
I'm always jealous of people who don't have a problem unloading in front of others, since I'm such a cowardly workpooper. I'll sit there for fifteen minutes waiting for everyone to leave before blowing my mighty trumpet. It's shameful. I can't even talk to people in adjacent stalls, much less a friend on the phone.

There's some hard-fartin' dudes at this place, that's for sure. The other day some guy at the urinal beside me tore the heavens asunder like it was no big deal, then immediately tried to strike up a conversation with me about the weather. I don't care whether you think it's pleasantly mild out there, buddy. You've clearly got shit sliding down your inner thigh, and that trumps all other topics of conversation.
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post #10 of 207
9/20/06 at 7:34pm
I like the guys who bust ass at the urinal and then compliment themselves. "Whoa, that was a good one." Yeah it was, buddy.
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post #11 of 207
9/20/06 at 7:37pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater
I don't care whether you think it's pleasantly mild out there, buddy. You've clearly got shit sliding down your inner thigh, and that trumps all other topics of conversation.
amazing
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post #12 of 207
9/20/06 at 7:40pm
Slater, your phrasing in these stories is classic.
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post #13 of 207
9/20/06 at 7:52pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger
I like the guys who bust ass at the urinal and then compliment themselves. "Whoa, that was a good one." Yeah it was, buddy.
Or they'll try to get you to comment on it, which is even worse. "Whoa, didja hear that?"

"No, I was distracted by all the other sounds that weren't giant farts. So sorry."
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post #14 of 207
9/20/06 at 8:04pm
On the topic of public mensroom behavior, at my job there's three urinals with no dividers between them. There is more than one person in my office who will go and stand in the middle urinal. I fucking hate that! I end up standing there looking at my cock for five minutes before anything comes out.

The other thing is when I'm clearly walking into a toilet stall to take a shit, and as I'm on my way in some dude'll be talking to me, but I really don't want to talk cuz I need to shit. And I'm like Slater - if I know someone can hear me, my ass just tightens up and I can't let the baby drop.
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post #15 of 207
9/20/06 at 8:13pm
When I was in highschool, in order to crack down on smoking in the bathrooms, some genius decided it was cool to remove all the stalls. It was creepy, an open room with nothing but rows of crappers and urinals.

I never used this bathroom except for a quick piss. Always prefered the one upstairs that had the one and only toilet stall.
One day I walk in there and some idiot is sitting on the toilet. Out there in the wide open spaces taking a shit. He talked the entire time I was in there. Never took a faster piss in my life.
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post #16 of 207
9/20/06 at 8:46pm
I always prefer the urinal ice-breaker: "So, what beverage brings ya in here?"
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post #17 of 207
9/20/06 at 8:49pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by General Zod
When I was in highschool, in order to crack down on smoking in the bathrooms, some genius decided it was cool to remove all the stalls. It was creepy, an open room with nothing but rows of crappers and urinals.

I never used this bathroom except for a quick piss. Always prefered the one upstairs that had the one and only toilet stall.
One day I walk in there and some idiot is sitting on the toilet. Out there in the wide open spaces taking a shit. He talked the entire time I was in there. Never took a faster piss in my life.
They did a similar thing in my high school, they just removed the doors though. Almost as bad. I know someone who got sucker-punched while he was taking a shit, that can't be fun.

I didn't like shitting in school, and I don't like shitting at work. I avoid it at all costs. I also have the problem of shitting/pissing when other people are around or can hear.
Someone should install a speaker that sounds like a jet taking off for bathrooms everywhere. Silent bathrooms are evil bathrooms.
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post #18 of 207
9/20/06 at 8:53pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus-6
Someone should install a speaker that sounds like a jet taking off for bathrooms everywhere. Silent bathrooms are evil bathrooms.
Isn't there something like that in Japan? I thought I remembered reading about how it's really embaressing for women to be heard making pee and poop sounds, so they have some device for covering up the sound, or they just continually flush the toilet while shitting and pissing.
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post #19 of 207
9/20/06 at 8:55pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus-6
They did a similar thing in my high school, they just removed the doors though. Almost as bad. I know someone who got sucker-punched while he was taking a shit, that can't be fun.

I didn't like shitting in school, and I don't like shitting at work. I avoid it at all costs. I also have the problem of shitting/pissing when other people are around or can hear.
Someone should install a speaker that sounds like a jet taking off for bathrooms everywhere. Silent bathrooms are evil bathrooms.
My gym locker room had no doors on the stalls either & it sucked because it was customary to take a dump right before a cross-country meet.

As far as work goes, I love it. I think to myself for the 1/2 hour I'm hiding in the roomy handicap stall (with a sink= bonus!) reading a comic/magazine, that I'm actually getting paid to defecate. It's a nice bathroom too for my daily moment of zen.
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post #20 of 207
9/20/06 at 10:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus-6
They did a similar thing in my high school, they just removed the doors though. Almost as bad. I know someone who got sucker-punched while he was taking a shit, that can't be fun.

I didn't like shitting in school, and I don't like shitting at work. I avoid it at all costs. I also have the problem of shitting/pissing when other people are around or can hear.
My high school had the fucking odd idea to put the toilet paper outside the stalls. I pity the poor bastard who had to get up, waddle to the door with your pants down and fish around for leaflets before asking for a little help from a passing pisser.
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post #21 of 207
9/20/06 at 10:15pm
I have an aversion to public elimination, and thankfully keep a pretty regular schedule that allows me to avoid the situation altogether. I think I maybe had to use the facilities at my high school once, a couple of times at my last place of employment and none whatsoever for the three years I've held my current job. My bladder seems large enough to withstand the longest movie running time at the theatre, and I rarely get sick. It's not a phobia or anything (I wouldn't deny my GI tract the need for release if it became an issue), but it makes for good conversation.
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post #22 of 207
9/21/06 at 12:09am
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8
I always prefer the urinal ice-breaker: "So, what beverage brings ya in here?"
That's not nearly as bad as the one I got once, the guy grabs his cock, wags it in my direction and says, "Impressive, huh?"

I guess?
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post #23 of 207
9/21/06 at 12:15am
[QUOTE=Nexus-6]They did a similar thing in my high school, they just removed the doors though. Almost as bad. I know someone who got sucker-punched while he was taking a shit, that can't be fun.
QUOTE]

That's hilarious.
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post #24 of 207
9/21/06 at 12:20am
My current job has a bathroom that holds one at a time. I have no use for the communal pooping/pissing. Even worse than that are the morons who showered without shame in gym class.
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post #25 of 207
9/21/06 at 12:29am
There's something to be said for being comfortable with your own body.
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post #26 of 207
9/21/06 at 12:47am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Chocula
My high school had the fucking odd idea to put the toilet paper outside the stalls. I pity the poor bastard who had to get up, waddle to the door with your pants down and fish around for leaflets before asking for a little help from a passing pisser.
Marilyn Manson? Violent video games? HA! THIS is the real reason kids go on shooting sprees.
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post #27 of 207
9/21/06 at 2:12am
Communal pooping just makes kids angry.
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post #28 of 207
9/21/06 at 2:47am
Quote:
Originally Posted by stump
Isn't there something like that in Japan? I thought I remembered reading about how it's really embaressing for women to be heard making pee and poop sounds, so they have some device for covering up the sound, or they just continually flush the toilet while shitting and pissing.
I don't know if there are special devices, but there's always a fan running which mostly drowns out the evidence. They definitely don't want to be heard, and probably don't want it known they do number two at all.

Quote:
My high school had the fucking odd idea to put the toilet paper outside the stalls. I pity the poor bastard who had to get up, waddle to the door with your pants down and fish around for leaflets before asking for a little help from a passing pisser.
It isn't really such an unusual idea - in Japan (and probably other countries) there is often no paper in the stalls. Sometimes there's none in the restroom period, so you better come prepared. It's a most unpleasant shock to find at that moment of truth you don't have the correct change for the tissue paper vending machine.
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post #29 of 207
9/21/06 at 7:30am
In a McDonald's restroom once taking a piss. A boy of around 5 or 6 is in the stall with his Dad.

As soon as the boy is done, he hops off the pot and announces to his pops, "I just took a crap and it was a big one."
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post #30 of 207
9/21/06 at 8:15am
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger
I like the guys who bust ass at the urinal and then compliment themselves. "Whoa, that was a good one." Yeah it was, buddy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater
Or they'll try to get you to comment on it, which is even worse. "Whoa, didja hear that?"

"No, I was distracted by all the other sounds that weren't giant farts. So sorry."
I am amazed that people actually do that.
This is not only a funny thread, but an interesting one... I feel like I have a little bit of insight into the men's bathroom.
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post #31 of 207
9/21/06 at 10:38am
A couple of related stories from way back when at my old job in England.

I remember my boss getting pissed off at a guy's absences one time & telling him if he had a dodgy stomach (ie, the shits) he could still come to work. After all, there was a toilet there. Yeah, one trap (stall) for the men. If your ass is getting ready to spray whatever it's aimed at & the bog is occupied what are you supposed to do? Go for the plant pot in the reception area?

Secondly, a colleague had a tape recording that was simply 5 minutes of farts. Some very dramatic ones, culminating in the grand finale that we came to call "The Deep-Pan Splatter." We'd play this thing once in awhile & it used to crack one of our guys up no end, especially if someone turned up to deliver stuff while it was running! Well, the aforementioned boss heard this tape & was highly amused by it. Then he asked where we got it from. We told him we put a recorder in the restroom & it was made by the unsuspecting occupants. He believed us, I will always remember the look on his face go from amusement to sheer horror!
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post #32 of 207
9/21/06 at 1:26pm
So you're saying women poop too?

Fuck!
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post #33 of 207
9/21/06 at 3:23pm
The worst thing about the "office shit" is the fucking ONE-PLY toilet paper. Seriously, who can wipe with that after a night of heavy drinking?
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post #34 of 207
9/21/06 at 6:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by travishall456
The worst thing about the "office shit" is the fucking ONE-PLY toilet paper. Seriously, who can wipe with that after a night of heavy drinking?
Wait a minute - I could have sworn in the thread about "partying" you implying that you don't drink heavily. Or am I confused again?
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post #35 of 207
9/21/06 at 6:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by travishall456
The worst thing about the "office shit" is the fucking ONE-PLY toilet paper. Seriously, who can wipe with that after a night of heavy drinking?
That's what's great about the handicap stall at my job... it's got its own sink. A moistened paper towel makes for quick & easy cleanup... especially for the "neverending-wipe".
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post #36 of 207
9/21/06 at 7:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by stump
Wait a minute - I could have sworn in the thread about "partying" you implying that you don't drink heavily. Or am I confused again?
Don't drink frequently. My statement (if memory serves) was I only drink heavily once a month or so. Usually before a work day. Work day + Beershits = A level of hell Dante was unable to write about.
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post #37 of 207
9/21/06 at 8:12pm
Public/work bathroom shits are scary. And it always seems like the people taking them are the biggest, hairiest, most disgusting dudes in the office. The grunting during a cell phone conversation is amazing. Just grunting alone is bad enough. In the extremely few times I have taken a public shit (and I always use the hover technique or lay down a toilet paper defense) I think that I'm the only shitter around and then inevitably I hear a belt buckle hit the floor and then some grunting followed by equally disturbing panting followed by a riduculous fart that uses all the acoustic capabilities of the bathroom. It's also really heart warming to hear the guy in the stall next to you say to himself "when did I eat corn?"
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post #38 of 207
9/21/06 at 9:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish miyagi
It's also really heart warming to hear the guy in the stall next to you say to himself "when did I eat corn?"
I said that today.

Never understood the "hover" thing or the layer of TP. I just wipe the fucker off and plop my hair old ass down there, same as at home. If a bacteria/virus can fight it's way through a forest of ass hair and an atmosphere of stale farts, then it deserves to kill me.

Though, the occassional back-splash does cause quite the pucker.
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post #39 of 207
9/21/06 at 9:48pm
I had to take a shit between classes the other day, and there was someone in the stall next to me. I could tell that this one was going to be noisy and didn't want to just blast away "in front" of someone, so I didn't go at first, hoping to wait him out. When that didn't happen, I waited for a time when I could hear him going and let loose, hoping it would disguise my business. I outlasted him, however, so the jig was up. Then we started alternating, and it became a competition of sorts. We had a laugh, and although I never saw his face, it was as though in a few minutes our relationship had gone throughs years of development, from deception to antagonism to bizarre intimacy. It was kinda like Moonlighting. Only anonymous. And gay. And scatological.

This kind of thing doesn't happen to normal people, does it?
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post #40 of 207
9/22/06 at 12:55am
Does this story involve a Glory Hole?
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post #41 of 207
9/22/06 at 12:56am
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8
That's what's great about the handicap stall at my job... it's got its own sink. A moistened paper towel makes for quick & easy cleanup... especially for the "neverending-wipe".

This is why Bidays(?) need to be in all toilets.
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post #42 of 207
9/22/06 at 1:04am
Quote:
Originally Posted by travishall456
Work day + Beershits = A level of hell Dante was unable to write about.
And that's just for your co-workers!

I never had a problem unloading at work, might as well get paid for it. But like others have said if you know someone can hear you it just clamps it right up! I'd wait for the hand dryer to kick in then go for it.

One guy I worked with had no probs with company in the restroom, in fact you could count on him to come up with some comment that'd crack you up. Like if you were at the urinal & he had to use the stall to pee there'd be silence followed by "This water's cold........and deep!"

As for hangovers at work, I used to make a habit of booking the day off work following my birthday because I knew I'd be severely fucked up. Then it dawned on me, why suffer on my time? I'm sure my boss appreciated that!
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post #43 of 207
9/22/06 at 1:07am
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios
So you're saying women poop too?

Fuck!
They do, and it's far worse than any man could produce. That's why restrooms are seperated into gender. We simply cannot handle it!
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post #44 of 207
9/22/06 at 1:58am
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I'd rather stick my nose in a dog's asshole than a women's restroom.
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post #45 of 207
9/22/06 at 2:05am
I bet they have cable though.
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post #46 of 207
9/22/06 at 2:30am
Watching Lifetime no doubt.
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post #47 of 207
9/22/06 at 3:29am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz
I had to take a shit between classes the other day, and there was someone in the stall next to me. I waited for a time when I could hear him going and let loose, hoping it would disguise my business. We had a laugh, and although I never saw his face, it was as though in a few minutes our relationship had gone throughs years of development, from deception to antagonism to bizarre intimacy. It was kinda like Moonlighting. Only anonymous. And gay. And scatological.
This is interesting - is there something gay about two men shitting together?
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post #48 of 207
9/22/06 at 3:39am
Quote:
Originally Posted by stump
This is interesting - is there something gay about two men shitting together?
Only if they're in a 69 at the time.
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post #49 of 207
9/22/06 at 4:52am
During my freshman year we had a bathroom with a bunch of stalls, and directly across from that there was the shower room. The shower room had a single toilet, presumably to encourage people to step out of the shower and use it should the need arise.

There was this guy named Larry, a 6-foot athlete who looked like he had been sculpted by Greeks. He would be there 3 out of every 4 times I'd go to take a shower, sitting on the shower room toilet taking a shit. Right out in the open. Everyone had encountered him at one point or another, and he'd always just say something like, "Sup dude" as we walked past him to get to the shower stalls.

One day, despite how awkward it is to talk to a guy who's shitting in front of you, I finally asked Larry, "Why do you use this toilet to take a shit, man? It stinks up this steamy shower room."

He replied, "Well where the fuck else am I supposed to take a shit, dawg?"

He was unaware that the room across the hall was the bathroom.
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post #50 of 207
9/22/06 at 5:01am
Quote:
Originally Posted by stump
This is interesting - is there something gay about two men shitting together?
Shit, I left that part out. From now on, when I tell a story, assume I was furiously masturbating throughout unless otherwise noted.
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