Bar Fight

Well, this one didn't involve me personally, but it did involve a relative, namely my uncle: he once got his ass kicked in a bar fight by a guy in a wheelchair (this is by far my favorite family anecdote). You see, while he was getting nice and smushy at some bar, somewhere, this drunken, handicapped fellow, who was the 'belligerent' drunk type, and obscenely possesive of his girlfriend, decided my uncle was trying to put the make on his old lady; he called him out, they got into a scrap, and in the process my uncle lost his glasses (he's legally blind without them); this left him wide open to getting destroyed by the cripple. Ever since hearing the story I never fail to bring it up during conversations with him; hilarious.

Well, this one didn't involve me personally, but it did involve a relative, namely my uncle: he once got his ass kicked in a bar fight by a guy in a wheelchair (this is by far my favorite family anecdote). You see, while he was getting nice and smushy at some bar, somewhere, this drunken, handicapped fellow, who was the 'belligerent' drunk type, and obscenely possesive of his girlfriend, decided my uncle was trying to put the make on his old lady; he called him out, they got into a scrap, and in the process my uncle lost his glasses (he's legally blind without them); this left him wide open to getting destroyed by the cripple. Ever since hearing the story I never fail to bring it up during conversations with him; hilarious.

I had a penchant for them in my mispent youth. As I spent most of my free time either drinking or training to fight from the age of 15, it wasn't that unusual for the two to cross paths. Being 5' 11" and 170 meant the average bar tough guy figured you'd back down or he could take you easily, never realizing you could mop the floor with him, and I tended to encourage that behavior. Much like Vin Diesel in "Knockaround Guys", you get it in your head that after a certain # of fights, you'll be a tough guy. Long before that number, you are one, but can't remember why you wanted to be that in the first place. It wasn't until I was spending the night in jail for the 3rd time while the police were debating charging me with felony assualt (again) that I decided it might be better to not take every opportunity to fight that came my way. I was 25 then, and have had only a couple of minor incidents occur since. As I've seen/been in many, here's a few helpful tips on Bar Fights:

1) Guys who start by smack talking are psyching themselves up to fight, and actually don't want to. You can defuse it by walking away. Continuing the verbal "Oh Yeah's" will invariable lead to someone swinging.

2) If you definitly want to fight, always hit first. Flat of the nose has one of the best effects, as it's the best combination of stunning/bloodying without serious dammage. Ends all fights with guys who don't want to fight immediatly.

3) If the guy looks like he can take you, Groin shots aren't just for girls. Hit here first.

4) If someone has a weapon, hit an open sideways palm to the thorax. You run a risk of seriously dammaging the guy, but people drop everything when they can't breathe.

5) Ok, you want to walk away. Just in case, that loud, semi-drunk guy is always the first who might swing. It's 90% of the time a wide outside right hook. 10% of the time, It's a wide left (as 10% of the population is left handed).

6) Most guys have no clue how to fight, and will swing wildly for 20-30 seconds. They will then be completly gassed, so dodge and cover, and they are basically yours.

7) There's a class of complete idiots who will rapidly take their shirt off first (cause it's muy macho) and then start swinging. Bust them as they are taking it off and you save yourself the 20-30 seconds dodging/covering.

8) Find yourself mouthing off to a guy who isn't saying a word back, but also doesn't seem that concerned? Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. The most dangerous guys in a bar don't smack talk. They just are debating putting you in the hospital or the morgue.

9) Women love the idea that you would fight to defend them, but actually hate it when you do it for real.

10) If you are not good at fighting, don't get into fights. Remember, Hospital food sucks.

Remind me not to piss Death Surge off.

Bad Ass Post of the Year. Bravo.

Death Surge, quit the trend of recommending the crotch hit. Its so tacky and such an easy out- defeats the purpose of a bar fight. Though one would reccommend going for the lower body to get them on the floor and lose them in the ensuing scrum.

Alex, where were you last night? I got into a bar fight in Manhattan. It was a metal show, and I was chilling out afterwards with the band and a few girls, having drinks and cracking jokes. Everyone was being friendly and cool, then one of the band members decided they wre all going to his place for an afterparty. I was up for this until he flat out told me that only guys in the band and girls were allowed.

I called bullshit on this, because I was being so friendly and open with these guys, and I was really trying to home in on this one girl. It was very matter-of-fact- being that I was drunk, I asked if it was a race thing. He said black people were coming, and I said, "Well, Whitey, I'm Puerto Rican, and I think that's reason enough to fight." I reached my hand over to his girl, who had been dancing on the bar, and smacked her on the ass before diving for his legs and throwing him down. Someone tackled me afterwards, and I tossed around someone else until I realized that the bartenders were yelling for everyone to leave. Everyone else had started fighting too.

I dunno if it was cowardly, but I was too wasted to continue, and I wanted to go see "Feast" in Times Square, so I ran out of there.

The crotch hit is a tacky and easy-out but a completely unwarranted race card is fair game?

Nice post, Surge. I think that your point #8 really puts it all together. There are lots of people in a bar, and at some point it dawns on you that there might be people in there, minding their own business, who can fight a whole lot better than you. And some of them can be very, very angry and just waiting for a chance to hurt somebody badly. When you're young and wild, that might even seem like a plus. But a lot of guys have things happen to them in fights that keep them from looking back on the past with much nostalgia.

People carry too. The quiet guy next to you might have a gun, a knife, an awl, or something sharp and nasty that you've never seen before. Or while you're fighting with the guy that said something to your girlfriend, somebody else is getting ready to crack you from behind. Remember that assholes have buddies too.

Barfights just don't turn out like they do in a John Wayne or a Steven Seagal movie. I think that if you're really into the idea of kicking somebody's ass, you're better off either going down to the local MMA school and putting it on the line there, or staying at home and watching a stack of Paul Vunak videos while you eat a pizza.

Does ANYBODY believe this?

i believe the band didn't like fabfunk.

Winner buys the beers!

I still love his History of Violence story.

link?

I think everyone has executed a perfect ass-smack/action dive/throwdown combo during a wild barfight at least once.

Some guys can mix it up pretty well. A lot of the time, though, it is just talk.

Girls, on the other hand...Watching girls go at it can be scary. They have long memories.

Fabfunk pleases Mel Gibson

Fabfunk, once you show everyone pictures of what a doughy, midget-faced little pussy you are in real life, you're not allowed to tell stories where you're Patrick Swayze. If anything, the band probably caught you sideways-fucking some chick's purse in the girl's restroom and beat you on general principles.

Death Surge is right about dudes who try to take their shirt off before swinging. I once saw this cocky punk strip off his shirt, only to get it caught around his head for just a second. As soon as he was blinded, five different dudes all punched him in the stomach at once, and he collapsed with the shirt still around his head. Good times.

that was wonderful. cigarette burn, you just made my day.

You fuck with him, and he'll SEAL YOUR FATE.

http://chud.com/forums/attachment.ph...9&d=1155610250

Just when I thought Fabfunk couldnt get any funnier.

I don't find Groucho Marx that scary.

Good, practical words of advice, Surge. Of course there are exceptions, but they're good rules to go by. For example, I have a friend who has been known to get into many, brutal bar fights. Actually got fired from a bar for excessive bouncing. But he's the last to telegraph his next move before he's about to throw down, unless he gives fair warning. Of course, being the exception to the rule, his wife probably gets way turned on by him beating a guy's face into hamburger.

Oh, and I think fabfunk culled that story from his script for Roadhouse 3: Coyote Ugly 2.

Very interesting, I had no idea Groucho Marx and Jerry Garcia were friends. Fabfunk's throwdown spectacular reminded me of a bar fight I was in where someone lightly brushed my arm and I said "hey pal, stop being racist against swedes" then I jumped up on the bar and jumped back off top rope style with a flying elbow. I let out a massive "ooooh yeah" and followed it up with a clothesline. Then coincidentally the dj started playing Eye of the Tiger and I got free drinks for the rest of the night.

Geez, with all the drinking I do, you figure I'd be NEAR a bar fight at least once - the closest I ever came is pulling some scrawny drunk dude off a lesbian he sucker-punched.

Goddamn, fabfunk gets around.

One time I got into a brawl in a maritime bar, and I pulled a mounted swordfish off the wall and used it as a weapon. After that I hilariously slugged a guy, and when he dropped his drink, I caught it with the other hand and drank it. And the stripper hilariously kept dancing through the whole thing, even with unconscious guys sprawled over her stage.

And when it was over, when the floor was strewn with the battered remains of what had once been hard-bitten wharf rats, I straightened my tie, strolled out of the place and called over my shoulder, to the cowering barman, "Put it on my tab."

Well, one time she and I were exploring this sacred temple, and it was getting pretty dark, so I was all like, "Give me your leg," and I lit the end of it on fire to shine a path for us to follow. Then I wrestled an enormous spider called Arachnis.

That's the closest I've come to spraying beer on the keyboard in years! Thank God I swallowed it before I read Macca's reply!

I just got assaulted and mugged this weekend. Definitely learned a lesson about walking in Harlem at 4 in the morning without the sufficient amount of pigmentation. Two guys bigger than me came out of the side of my vision, threw me against a car, then proceeded to beat the shit out of me while keeping me in a choke hold. Not sure whether it was the blows to the face or the choke hold that knocked me out, though probably the choke hold. Took everything I had in my pockets, including credit and debit cards, cell phone, 76 dollar subway card that was only 5 days old, my cigarettes, keys, and some gum. The scary thing is they didn't ask for that stuff, they just kicked the shit out of me without saying anything, so I thought they simply wanted to kill me while it was happening. Being pretty drunk after a friend's party didn't make it easy to get away, so they picked a pretty opportune moment to fuck me up. Luckily, I did wake up. I'll take an assault/mugging over murder any day. Sure does suck though. Nose is broken, throat and neck hurt like hell when I turn, speak, cough, swallow, or sneeze.

Man, this was absolutely the wrong thread to read. As a teetotaler, this just gives me the impression you're a bunch of violent drunkards. I know it's not an accurate assessment, but damn, guys.

You should have smacked one of them on the ass, then tossed the other one around.

Schmun, go be my grandma somewhere else. Fucksake already.

Shmun's just being modest. One time I saw him in a bar and someone said something like "why aren't you drinking you pussy!" and Shmun said "that's it" and opened a can of what appeared to be beer but was actually whoopass as he got in the Daniel Larusso crane stance and kicked the guy in the nose. The bar applauded in amazement as Shmun then air guitared Welcome to the Jungle over his unconscious body.

I know this thread has been mainly light-hearted but damn, Ron. Glad you're still in one piece. That's the kind of crap that makes me want to beat the shit out of the fuckers. Annoys the fuck outta me that these assholes do something like that & there is no way to get back at them.

Like I said, glad you're in one piece. Sounds like that could've been a lot worse & after all, you can replace the stuff they stole. Hope the nose fixes OK.

He has the most apt avatar ever.

Oh, please. This thread, while amusing, is rooted in lame, drunken machismo. "I kicked that guy's ass hard, man!" Christ. Didn't people outgrow this in high school?

Actually, this thread is more about how to live in a world that hasn't outgrown high school and not get your ass kicked too badly in the process.

I'm truly a fool to maintain any sort of hope for humanity, eh?

It's hard to imagine how people in the real world stomach Shmun. He must hang out with the worst people in his town.

Funny, I've always wondered that about you myself.

For the record, we prefer to just be ourselves. How can you call someone dull for not drinking when it seems to take booze to make you interesting?

Hope is always worth having. Even hoping you don't get your ass kicked.*


*This sentence provided to maintain the theme of this thread.

Devin & Shmun, can you guys like take this to a bar or something? This is a peaceful thread.

Shmun, this has nothing to do with you drinking or not drinking. I have friends who don't drink. This is about you being a boring twit.

But can you trust them?

So how interesting would you be if you stopped drinking? It brings about a question of what's actually entertaining about you: your personality, or your persona whilst inebriated?

In most decent bars, saying "whilst" is reason enough to get your ass kicked.

Stay lame, Schmun. You can't handle the real world.

That's a sad fucking real world.