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Miscellaneous Awards For 2006

post #1 of 38
1/10/07 at 6:21pm
Thread Starter 
For those just tuning in....

Cameo Of The Year--Geoffrey Rush, POTC: DEAD MAN'S CHEST. Anybody that didn't jump out of their seat at this one is either soulless or handicapped. Just the perfect way to leave that film hanging.

Worst Cop-Out--The Post-credits scene in X-MEN 3. Thanks for invalidating the last hour and a half, shitstains.

Runner-up--The torture scene in MI3, Fucking lightning clones in THE PRESTIGE

Best Subversive Propaganda--THE ANT BULLY. Anybody can make a film damning the current government through allegory. It takes a special brand of genius to slip one by the censors and teach raging, violent communism to 6 year olds. In IMAX 3-D, no less.

Fastest Way To A Coronary--The last 10 minutes of UNITED 93.

Eye Candy Of The Year--FINAL FANTASY ADVENT CHILDREN. As gorgeous as the finest works of art. About as much depth as my toilet.

Best Surprise Nudity--Naomie Harris, MIAMI VICE

Most Uncomfortable Surprise Nudity--Jennifer Schwalbach, CLERKS II. Anybody else get a little disturbed by a director not working for Vivid Video making his wife make out with another guy on film, then flashing her tits?

Last but not least, the 2006 Darth Maul Memorial Excellence in Short-Lived Badassery Award goes to:

Mollaka (Sebastien Foucan), CASINO ROYALE

Sure, he doesn't actually beat the shit out of James Bond or anything, but he does outrun him, and make Spider-Man look like an uncoordinated floppycock in the process.

Runner-up: Pyramid Head, SILENT HILL


Thanks to Rath Bandu for reminding me of my now yearly duty. Have at it, everyone.
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post #2 of 38
1/10/07 at 6:40pm
Great list, Crow.

I second the love of the last minute cameo of Geoffrey Rush. The movie, that I did find fun, left me with a seprior impression all because of this cameo.

I loved The Prestige, so the clones are all right in my book.

And I think I'd reverse Mollaka and Pyramid Head.
Mollaka didn't rip the skin of some random bitch like it was a juicy shirt. Pyramid Head did.
Advantage Pyramid Head.
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post #3 of 38
1/10/07 at 6:59pm
Good show, Crow. I will attempt to come up with a few of these things myself.
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post #4 of 38
1/10/07 at 7:33pm
I didn't care for the Geoffrey Rush cameo. It felt so cliche to bring back the old and popular villain, why can't villains just be left dead.
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post #5 of 38
1/10/07 at 8:12pm
I've heard Barbossa's return be called a lot of things, but cliché? How the hell was that cliché?
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post #6 of 38
1/10/07 at 8:20pm
I think the Best Subversive Propaganda Award should go to Happy Feet. The entire ending of the film basically a call to question the established order.
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post #7 of 38
1/10/07 at 8:39pm
The 'Nooo! Not That Character!' Award goes to Stephen Fry as Gordon in "V for Vendetta." Because even though he is, essentially, playing himself, he's such a decent, kind character in a world gone shit-house mad that his black bagging was almost painful to watch.

Also, not to steal Crow's thunder, but the previous winners of the Darth Maul Memorial Excellence in Short Lived Bad Assery were:

2005: Kevin, SIN CITY
2004: Kronen, HELLBOY
2003: Go-Go Yubari, KILL BILL VOL. 1
2002: Nomak, BLADE II
2001: Zhang Ziyi, RUSH HOUR 2
2000: Toad, X-MEN
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post #8 of 38
1/10/07 at 10:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg Clark
I've heard Barbossa's return be called a lot of things, but cliché? How the hell was that cliché?
I guess I'm just tired of so many franchises where characters keep coming back to life.
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post #9 of 38
1/11/07 at 1:53pm
what happens post credits on X3? I somehow managed to miss this. I also don't remember anything about the movie other than the burning in my esophagus as I left so give me the whole story.
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post #10 of 38
1/11/07 at 2:31pm
Post credits: Moria McTaggert come into the brain dead patients room to check his vitals. Patient stirs, opens his eyes, and says "Hello, Moria" in Patrick Stewert's voice. Basically he turns into a hypocrite because he transferred his conciousness into another person to avoid being killed by Jean.
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post #11 of 38
1/11/07 at 2:39pm
The brain dead patient that is an empty vessel as established at the beginning of the film. I swear, some people hate this film for no other reason than they are still mad the director they liked was switched out for a director who had a track record for crap.
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post #12 of 38
1/11/07 at 2:43pm
The 2006 Special Achievement in Pushing the Envelope for What the MPAA Considers an "R" Rating
This year was an exciting year for films that push boundaries. We had the extreme violence of films such as Hostel and The Hills Have Eyes. Running Scared had the graphic cunnilingus scene heard round the world. And we had Crank, one of the most wonderfully tasteless movies to come out in a very long time.

But this year's winner is, without a doubt, the duel attack of Borat and Jackass No. 2 in male nudity. How they ever got away with that "wrestling" scene in Borat will forever boggle my mind.

So congrats to penises everywhere! Give yourself a hand!
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post #13 of 38
1/11/07 at 3:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poprob
The brain dead patient that is an empty vessel as established at the beginning of the film. I swear, some people hate this film for no other reason than they are still mad the director they liked was switched out for a director who had a track record for crap.
No, it's because earlier in the same damn movie Xavier brings up the question if it was ethical or not to put one conciousness into another being, then he goes ahead and does it anyway to save his own ass. It's also due to the fact that movie can't stick to anything it presents--Magneto's lost his powers! No he hasn't! Xavier is dead! He's still alive! The serum works--or does it?! The only thing that's permenent is that Jean and Cyclops are both dead--and we don't even know how/why Cyclops died other than "Jean did it."
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post #14 of 38
1/11/07 at 3:51pm
Apologies to Crow for highjacking his thread.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg Clark
No, it's because earlier in the same damn movie Xavier brings up the question if it was ethical or not to put one conciousness into another being, then he goes ahead and does it anyway to save his own ass.
So you're angry that he posed a question at the beginning of the film and then answered it with extenuating circumstances at the end? I imagine that when you were watching this film you had your arms crossed with a frowny mug on your face punctuated periodically by the words "this is so stupid".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg Clark
It's also due to the fact that movie can't stick to anything it presents--Magneto's lost his powers! No he hasn't! Xavier is dead! He's still alive! The serum works--or does it?! The only thing that's permenent is that Jean and Cyclops are both dead--and we don't even know how/why Cyclops died other than "Jean did it."
You're angry that there were complications in the plot.
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post #15 of 38
1/11/07 at 4:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poprob
You're angry that there were complications in the plot.
They're not complications, they're blatant and stupid contradictions that undermine whatever shreds of intelligence left limping in the movie.
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post #16 of 38
1/11/07 at 4:32pm
Left over from the brilliant first two films, I suppose. Those movies are overloved. They're good, but superficial. Too many characters with too little time to explore.

Did you guys get mad at E.T. when he died but then came back to life when his mothership hit the atmosphere? Spoiler!
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post #17 of 38
1/11/07 at 4:37pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poprob
Too many characters with too little time to explore.!
Did you even watch X3 ? An hour and a half and 186 characters.

Anyway, we might as well create a seperate thread or continue this in the X3 post-release thread.
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post #18 of 38
1/11/07 at 4:46pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poprob
Apologies to Crow for highjacking his thread.


So you're angry that he posed a question at the beginning of the film and then answered it with extenuating circumstances at the end? I imagine that when you were watching this film you had your arms crossed with a frowny mug on your face punctuated periodically by the words "this is so stupid".


You're angry that there were complications in the plot.
Hey, we're already moving into the insults! Way to enrich the discussion.

And yeah, several things in the movie are the defenition of "pretty stupd." Relegating Jean/Phoenix to a henchman? Stupid. Populating the films with some awful-as-fuck FX? Stupid. Downsizing Rogue to a cameo and completely destroying her character for a high-school crush? Stupid. Increasing Halle Berry's waddle time? Really stupid. Angel's entire storyline? Stupid as hell.

As far as the post-credits thing goes, it goes against Prof. X's mentality of never using your power selfishly. On a plot level, it's a cheap ploy to open things up for another sequel with Prof. X still in the game, and putting such an important event after the credits cheapens it further as a mere "gotcha!" twist. And the serum ultimately not working is pretty stupid, becuase it renders pretty much everything that happened beforehand moot. Everything is as it was at the beginning, sans Jean and Scott. That's not a plot complication, that's poor screenwriting.

And if E.T. died, was buried, then there was another hour of movie after it with a resolution, four minutes of credits, then right before the MPAA rating shows up it shows us a scene where E.T. magically comes back to life, yeah, I'd call bullshit too.
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post #19 of 38
1/11/07 at 5:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg Clark
Hey, we're already moving into the insults! Way to enrich the discussion.
I defy you to find an insult in any of my posts in this thread.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg Clark
And yeah, several things in the movie are the defenition of "pretty stupd." Relegating Jean/Phoenix to a henchman? Stupid. Populating the films with some awful-as-fuck FX? Stupid. Downsizing Rogue to a cameo and completely destroying her character for a high-school crush? Stupid. Increasing Halle Berry's waddle time? Really stupid. Angel's entire storyline? Stupid as hell.

As far as the post-credits thing goes, it goes against Prof. X's mentality of never using your power selfishly. On a plot level, it's a cheap ploy to open things up for another sequel with Prof. X still in the game, and putting such an important event after the credits cheapens it further as a mere "gotcha!" twist. And the serum ultimately not working is pretty stupid, becuase it renders pretty much everything that happened beforehand moot. Everything is as it was at the beginning, sans Jean and Scott. That's not a plot complication, that's poor screenwriting.

And if E.T. died, was buried, then there was another hour of movie after it with a resolution, four minutes of credits, then right before the MPAA rating shows up it shows us a scene where E.T. magically comes back to life, yeah, I'd call bullshit too.
You have moved your hatred of this film to an artform. Let me address these points quickly as I'm getting bored defending a film in a series that I don't care much about to begin with:

Jean/Phoenix as henchman - how about powerful weapon being controlled?
Rogue downsized to crush - how about character strengthening by giving her real emotions?
Increasing Storms "waddle time" - Halle Berry hate for that one toad/lightning line will never end, will it.
Angel's entire storyline - I guess the sly reference to Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter escaped you completely.

I'm with Martin and I'm done sidetracking this thread. Again, sorry Crow.
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post #20 of 38
1/11/07 at 6:11pm
Best Cast of Actors in Thoroughly Mediocre Film: THE PRESTIGE
Runner-Up: X-MEN: THE LAST STAND
(A kewpie doll to Hugh Jackman for appearing in both of them.)

The Trying Way Too Hard with Few Results Award: writer/director Michel Gondry, THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP

The Played Everywhere Else Before It Reached the U.S. Award: Olivier Assayas's CLEAN (Runner-Up: MANDERLAY)

The 1/2 Award (given to the director who delivers one excellent work and one absolute piece of shit): Takashi Miike (GREAT YOKAI WAR, IMPRINT)

Best Comeback: James Bond (Runner-Up: Rocky Balboa)
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post #21 of 38
1/11/07 at 6:49pm
The Bob Marley Memorial "Baby Don't Worry About a Thing" Award: Mission: Impossible III, for starting off with a scene that takes place about fifteen minutes before the climax and then flashing back, therefore letting us know that Ethan Hunt is in absolutely no danger until we reach that scene again.
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post #22 of 38
1/15/07 at 2:13pm
Spoilers!

The "Nooo! Not That Character" award is richly deserved by someone other than Stephen Fry. Unless you haven't seen THE DEPARTED and/or don't like Martin Sheen.
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post #23 of 38
1/15/07 at 2:16pm
To be honest Martin buying it didn't do that much for me, it wasn't helped by the comedy blood effects. If Whalberg or Baldwin had been killed then I would have utterly destroyed, but Martin just seemed like his death was an inevitability. It doesn't help that I'd watched Infernal Affairs first.
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post #24 of 38
1/15/07 at 2:22pm
See, I've seen INFERNAL AFFAIRS too, so I knew it was coming. But seeing Jed Fuckin' Bartlet thrown to his death in such a matter-of-fact manner really made me go wide-eyed. Wahlberg and Baldwin are cool and all, but Sheen was the father figure, and the one guy that Leo could undoubtedly trust. Shit, up to the last reel I still had Dignam pegged as Costello's secondary mole. It would've made little narrative sense, but he seemed like a more likely candidate that Jamed Badge Dale.
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post #25 of 38
1/15/07 at 2:27pm
I guess I just didn't buy into Sheen's character then. I could understand what his relation to Leo was, but he just didn't leave as much of an impression as the ancilliary characters. This may be because I found it easier to identify with Whalberg than I did with DiCaprio.

My nomination for the "Nooo! Not That Character" would probably be



Theo in Children of Men. Once again their was an inevitability to his death, but the way he delivered his final line and just crumpled was really heartbreaking. The entire film seemed like one final burst of life be he died to be honest.
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post #26 of 38
1/15/07 at 2:54pm
The MySpace Award goes to Woody Allen for Matchpoint - Opera soundtrack? 500 references to Crime and Punishment? We already know you're an intellectual, man.
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post #27 of 38
1/15/07 at 3:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spike Marshall
Theo in Children of Men. Once again their was an inevitability to his death, but the way he delivered his final line and just crumpled was really heartbreaking. The entire film seemed like one final burst of life be he died to be honest.
SPOILERS:

I'm not sure he's dead.

It might go both ways. And there's a medical ship nearby.
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post #28 of 38
1/15/07 at 3:07pm
He's bled out pretty badly, I think by the end of the film he's a goner. Which is why he doesn't respond to her calls.
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post #29 of 38
1/15/07 at 3:12pm
He's definitely dead.
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post #30 of 38
1/15/07 at 3:27pm
Well, passing out due to blood loss is not unknown nor rare.

I actually prefer to think of him as dead, but unless I'm mistaken ( and if don't remember) there's no absolute in this matter.

I'll have to see this again if I find some time.
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post #31 of 38
1/15/07 at 3:32pm
Most Ambiguous Death Award - Theo (Children of Men)
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post #32 of 38
1/15/07 at 4:58pm
SPOILERS

The Departed death was painful, but like others said, I knew it was coming--and I'm a huge West Wing fan. I half-expected Fry to make it out of 'V' alive, and like I said, I had really connected with his character, so it was kind of a shocker for me.
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post #33 of 38
1/15/07 at 5:39pm
Plus it's always unfair to kill Stephen. He's lovely.
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post #34 of 38
1/15/07 at 6:20pm
"Pay Attenion, This is How It's Done" Award-- Daniel Craig, for proving pretty much the entire planet wrong with the most layered and three dimensional portrayal of James Bond ever. That, and he kicks an insane amount of ass.
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post #35 of 38
1/16/07 at 12:15pm
"I'm related to an Actor, I can Act too Award"- it was a 2005-2006 release of Death Trance. Award goes to Kentaro Seagal.
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post #36 of 38
1/16/07 at 5:29pm
Spoilers

Theo is dead at the end of Children of Men. It makes thematic sense. He goes from apathetic towards everything to giving his life to protect the future of mankind. It's a full complete character arc. There's no evidence given that would make it ambiguous.
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post #37 of 38
1/16/07 at 7:05pm
BEST CASTING- The son in "The Good Shepherd". They got a kid with Matt Damon's forehead and Angelina Jolie's lips. And he was a bonafide freak. Bravo.
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post #38 of 38
1/16/07 at 7:23pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
They got a kid with Matt Damon's forehead and Angelina Jolie's lips, and DeNiro's taste in women. Bravo.
It's good to be back.
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