CHUD.com Community › Forums › CULTURE, HUMOR, & FREE FORM › Humor › Dead Baby Jokes
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dead Baby Jokes

post #1 of 50
1/18/07 at 1:55pm
Thread Starter 
I loves me a completely tasteless dead baby joke, and hates to not get in the last shot in the exchange that inevitably follows telling one. So, in the interest of expanding my repetoire, let's start offending people!

One rule: Only one joke per post. I think it'll be more fun that way.

Starting off on the tame side...

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of marbles? I can move one of them with a pitchfork.
Reply
post #2 of 50
1/18/07 at 1:56pm
What's the best place to fuck a dead baby?

You know that soft spot in the skull....?
Reply
post #3 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:00pm
You know whats good about a dead baby? They can't scream.
Reply
post #4 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:04pm
not a dead baby joke, so off topic, but if want 'some good ol' offending'.....

(this is kind of an old one...)


this murderous pedophile walks into the woods with this little kid, and the little kid says "man, these woods are scary!"

the murderous pedophile responds " if you think thats scary, I have to walk out of here by myself."
Reply
post #5 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:05pm
Hmmm, Eric Clapton's son was technically a toddler. I got nothing.
Reply
post #6 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:07pm
What's worse than ten dead babies in a garbage can?

One dead baby in ten garbage cans.
Reply
post #7 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:27pm
What goes round and round and scratches on a window?

A baby in a microwave
Reply
post #8 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:33pm
Not sure if this qualifies, but (two-parter):

What's small, red, and sits in the corner?
A baby sucking on a razor blade.

What's small, green, and sits in the corner?
The same baby, three weeks later.
Reply
post #9 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:45pm
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?

A: Take your foot off it's head.
Reply
post #10 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:48pm
Man, dead baby jokes are like so 10 years ago. Anyhoo, a fave of mine (although not exactly a dead baby joke but close enough)...


What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

An erection.
Reply
post #11 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:49pm
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
Reply
post #12 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:49pm
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?

A: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.
Reply
post #13 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:52pm
What is the difference between a baby and a onion?


No one cries when you chop up the baby.
Reply
post #14 of 50
1/18/07 at 2:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson
What's worse than ten dead babies in a garbage can?

One dead baby in ten garbage cans.

I heard a variation on this one long ago. It went a little sumpin' like dis:


What's grosser than gross?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What's grosser than that?

One of them is still alive.

What's grosser than that?

He eats his way out.
Reply
post #15 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:05pm
How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
Reply
post #16 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:11pm
What's the difference between a Cadillac and 40 dead babies?


I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Reply
post #17 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neal
I heard a variation on this one long ago. It went a little sumpin' like dis:


What's grosser than gross?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What's grosser than that?

One of them is still alive.

What's grosser than that?

He eats his way out.
And I always heard the finish as...

What's Grossest of all?

He goes back for seconds.
Reply
post #18 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:25pm
Thread Starter 
Somehow I knew this thread would take off quickly. One of my favorites:

What's the worst part about finding a dead baby on the beach?

Trying to hide your erection in wet swim trunks.
Reply
post #19 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:38pm
What just sits in the corner and screams?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Reply
post #20 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:45pm
How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?

With a blender!

How do you get them out again?

With tortilla chips!!!
Reply
post #21 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:45pm
Add a little paedophilia to the mix...

Q: What's the best bit about fucking a 4-year-old?

A: Hearing the pelvis crack.
Reply
post #22 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:54pm
q: what the best part about orally raping an infant?

a: how big your dick looks in its tiny little mouth.
Reply
post #23 of 50
1/18/07 at 3:55pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant
Add a little paedophilia to the mix...

Q: What's the best bit about fucking a 4-year-old?

A: Hearing the pelvis crack.
On the flip side...

Q: What's the worst bit about fucking a 4 year-old?

A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.


Edit: And Diva, dead baby jokes are timeless.
Reply
post #24 of 50
1/18/07 at 4:01pm
are we all going to hell?

figured. At least we'll all know each other.
Reply
post #25 of 50
1/18/07 at 4:04pm
With apologies to Stephen King:

How did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken!
Reply
post #26 of 50
1/18/07 at 4:13pm
What is better than a dead baby?

The revoked child-support.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graham
What just sits in the corner and screams?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Bwahahahahaha! I'm keeping this one.
Reply
post #27 of 50
1/18/07 at 6:04pm
Q:How do you make the dead babies stop invading your dreams?

A1: Don't go to sleep

A2:Start killing toddlers

A3:No more trainspotting before bed

edit:typo
Reply
post #28 of 50
1/18/07 at 6:09pm
Since the baby jokes seem to be slowing down, and most of mine are variations on ones we've done, I'll treat you guys to one of my favourite non-baby jokes

Q: Why do you duct-tape a hamster?

A: So it doesn't explode when you buttfuck it.
Reply
post #29 of 50
1/18/07 at 6:15pm
What? Do not derail the thread (although I must admit your joke is damn funny) -- there are dozens of dead baby jokes that haven't been told! People just have to wait until someone else posts due to Schwartz's lame rule. (I keed. I keed.) That said...



What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.
Reply
post #30 of 50
1/18/07 at 6:20pm
So fucking great....

What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?


About 500 calories.
Reply
post #31 of 50
1/18/07 at 6:32pm
What's red and dances?

A baby on a barbecue.
Reply
post #32 of 50
1/18/07 at 6:52pm
What's the best thing about a dead Siamese twin baby?

Threesomes.
Reply
post #33 of 50
1/18/07 at 7:09pm
What's a baby in acid?

A problem solved.
Reply
post #34 of 50
1/18/07 at 7:15pm
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?


Crib death.
Reply
post #35 of 50
1/18/07 at 7:46pm
Why did the baby drops it's teddy bear?

Because it was hit by a truck.
Reply
post #36 of 50
1/18/07 at 8:01pm
Thread Starter 
What's the difference between a dead baby and a delicious porterhouse steak?

I don't come on a steak before I eat it.
Reply
post #37 of 50
1/18/07 at 8:57pm
What is sad and knocks on the window?

A baby in a microwave oven.
Reply
post #38 of 50
1/18/07 at 9:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wwarez
What is sad and knocks on the window?

A baby in a microwave oven.

BOOOO!!! Joke repeater! Quarant beat yah to it bud.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant
What goes round and round and scratches on a window?

A baby in a microwave
Reply
post #39 of 50
1/18/07 at 10:16pm
Thread Starter 
What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.
Reply
post #40 of 50
1/19/07 at 12:34am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz
What's the difference between a dead baby and a delicious porterhouse steak?

I don't come on a steak before I eat it.
This may be my new favorite.
Reply
post #41 of 50
1/19/07 at 2:21am
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor

What do you get a baby with no arms and no legs for Christmas?
Cancer.
Reply
post #42 of 50
1/21/07 at 1:06pm
What's pink and red and silver and can't turn round in corners?

A baby with a javalin through it's head.
Reply
post #43 of 50
1/21/07 at 1:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor

What do you get a baby with no arms and no legs for Christmas?
Cancer.
...or a hat.
Reply
post #44 of 50
1/22/07 at 10:56pm
Thread Starter 
In the interests of bringing my tasteless threads together (http://www.chud.com/forums/showthrea...=insult+mother)...

What's the difference between a dead baby and Graham's mother?

When I have relations with Graham's mom, we both wear diapers.
Reply
post #45 of 50
1/31/07 at 5:02am
Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?



One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a watermelon.
Reply
post #46 of 50
1/31/07 at 12:04pm
How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends. How hard can you throw?
Reply
post #47 of 50
4/14/07 at 4:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

An erection.
I heard a variation on this that I like better.

What do you get when you skin a dead baby?

An erection.
Reply
post #48 of 50
4/14/07 at 7:08pm
This is my all-time favorite...

What's the difference between a grandmother and a baby?

Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them in the ass.
Reply
post #49 of 50
4/14/07 at 7:28pm
Thread Starter 
Maybe not your grandmother.

Although, to be fair, my grandmother was dead before I started, so...
Reply
post #50 of 50
4/15/07 at 5:26pm

combining two of the jokes...

q: what's pink and red and goes 100 mph?
a: baby in a blender.

q: what's pink and red and brown and goes 100mph?
a: same baby, one week later.

ahh, grammar school.
Reply
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Humor
CHUD.com Community › Forums › CULTURE, HUMOR, & FREE FORM › Humor › Dead Baby Jokes