CHUD contest: Kissology Volume 1

Entered! Great contest! Bring on the GOD OF THUNDER!!!!

Also entered!

Sweet sweet Gene, bring me some sweet pain.
and dvd's too.

Email sent! Hey, I've got nothing to lose.

I would figure that, as someone (vaguely) connected to the site - I couldn't possibly enter.

As such, here's a relevant tale, for your amusement - courtesy of my not-at-all-prolific MySpace blog:

You Wanted the Best...


Few weeks ago my hyperactive chum Scotty accosted me outside my place of employment, talking (in his mile-a-minute, I-missed-my-Ritalin manner) of "great news" for me. With Scotty, great news usually involves some behind-the-scenes activity in the world of professional wrestling, or new KISS memorabilia.

Since Scotty is a bonafide professional wrestling referee - and since KISS recently wrapped up the sixth year of their "Farewell Tour", I figured this info was grounded in grappling.

But no…oddly enough - KISStory was in the making.

"Paulstanleyisontourcausehes
gotanewalbumcomingoutandhes
playingatthehouseofbluesandigot
aticketandithoughtitwouldbesogreat
ifyouandiwentsoigotyouatickettoo!!!"

"Paul Stanley of KISS has a solo album out and you bought me a ticket to go see him perform at the House of Blues? Great…"

Now understand, in the glory days of KISS, I was a small boy - and I had KISS PrestoMagix, and KISS Colorforms, and the KISS van model kit, and the KISS comics, and the Mego dolls - KISS were monsters. I was five. I loved monsters. I loved KISS.

And you know what - I like KISS now. And I love Gene Simmons. He's a savvy businessman and a superb showman. I've seen the band three times in my life, and every show has been a highlight of my concert-goings (especially the 1987-88 Crazy Nights Tour, where my father decided to stick it out ("Well - I like KISS too!) - and ended up beating the ever-loving Shiite out of a random Anthrax fan because he didn't understand what it meant to be "Caught in a Mosh". I'm never not up for seeing KISS.

But I didn't really know how excited I could get for one-fourth of the band. Especially the one-fourth who doesn't spit blood and fire…

So I got to the House of Blues at around 8:30 - just in time to catch the opening act - a chik-rok outfit called Slunt (cute, right?). The lead singer sounded a shitload like Kay Hanley, which instantly made me think of Josie and the Pussycats, which instantly made me think that these girls are cute in the same way for the same reason: If you put Rachel Leigh Cook in a Black Flag shirt, I am predisposed to finding her more alluring than normal - but the gesture feels kinda' yank-yank and insincere. Rachel Leigh Cook doesn't really know who Black Flag is. Somebody just told her to wear the shirt.

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but it just seems like maybe these girls would rather be playing some other kind of music? What they did sounded sorta' late 90's aggro…a bit o' Helmet…sometimes a little Rage Against the Machine…Filter…Fuel…all that kind of thing. The band was as tight as their little leather pants, and they weren't without charm (I had a giggle at the fact that they covered Romeo Void) - but I just feel like Abby Gennet goes back to the tour bus, showers, washes her hair with something that smells really pretty, dons her peejays and a set of fluffy bunny slippers, and curls up in a stuffed animal-covered bunk with a cup of herbal tea. It's tough to buy that this girl swills an entire bottle of Jack Daniels, climbs Scarface Mountain (which I've always thought would be a great ride at Universal) and fucks three or four dirty metal guys every night. I think she's probably more into Fleetwood Mac. Or she could be like…a Jim Steinman muse - like the second coming of Bonnie Tyler, mebbe?

Bass player though? She looked like she just left The Runaways. She looked angry. Jhen Kobran may punch you and make it hurt. She may punch you and call you a "meany" - but it'll still hurts. Maybe it hurt even more on the count of her calling you a "meany"...

The band was interesting, but the verdict's still out.

Eventually, Paul Stanley hits - and let me tell you - the man has a lot of energy. He reminds me of an Onion headline from awhile back.

"Rolling Stones Embark on 'Sing Our Songs For Us' Tour"

At this point, the Rolling Stones are just sad. Granted, I've never been a fan, but I'm like come on, fhqwhgads - you're just makin' yourself look bad...

Mick still moves. Mick still sings. But Mick can't move and sing at the same time - which is a problem, since Mick still insists on doing that weird little pursed lips, hands-on-his-hips-chicken wing dance he does…

...so well…

Keefe Richards is faring better by comparison. Keith just snagged himself a cameo in the next Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. This should lead to a lucrative film career for him - so long as George A. Romero keeps making zombie flicks.

I'm watching Paul prancing about and belting it out, and I start doing the math. Paul Stanley's been around for a while too - almost as long as the aforementioned ghouls - and he shows NO SIGNS. His voice is absurdly powerful, and he seems hell-bent on proving it, as he managed singing notes higher - and holding them longer - than he sang them in the studio…twenty-some years ago.

This became a real source of comedy for me, as the audience was singing along...but he's singing higher than they're accustomed to...and he's holding notes longer than they can, and his band is jamming out almost every song...audience members HALF his age were wearing themselves out failing to maintain Stanley's pace.

It must also be said that Paul trotted out some songs from the KISS KANON (I'm so easily amused, spelling things with K's - Insert 2 Kredits to Kontinue!) that have never been my favorite tracks - but he and his band (the house band from the RockStar series) gave them new life tonight. They were harder, meaner, fuller, and more vibrant than their KISS KOUNTER-

Counterparts. I'll stop now.

And his range is still awe-inspiring. Maybe even more now than in his youth - because it's so much more disciplined a thing. At one point he's working through "I Want You" - an obscure track from the "Rock & Roll Over" album - and he tells the audience that he's gonna' sing "I Want" - and we have to sing "You" - which, once the guys in the crowd get through the homoeroticism of it, should work out just fine, right?

Well, Stanley teases this like he teases his synthetic mane.

Paul: "I WAAAAAAAAA-AAAAA-A-A-A-A-AAAAAAAAA-A-ANT!!!"

The audience: "YOOOOOOOU!!!"

Paul: "I WAAAAAAAAA-AAAAA-A-A-A-A-AAAAAAAAAAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-A-ANT!!!"

The audience: "YOOOOOOO-OOOO-OOO-U!!!"

And Stanley and his band are having a comical good time with this - 'cause the audience just can't keep up with the vocal acrobatics.

So finally, he sings: "LEMME' TELL YOU WHAT I WAAAAAAAAAANT!!!"

And some dickhead in the audience sings: "OKAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!"

Paul: "I SAID I WANNA' TELL YOU WHAT I WAAAAAAAAAA-AAA-AAA-AAANT!!!"

Some Dickhead: "GO AHEAAAAAAAAAAD!!!"

Paul: "WANNA' TELL YOU PEEPLE WHAT I WAH-AAA-AAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!"

Some Dickhead: "OKAAAAAAAAA-AAAA-AAAA-AAAA-AAAA-AAAAY!!!"

Stanley stops. Looks out over the crowd…and with mock menace, he says, "Sounds like we got a showoff out there…"

Everyone has a big laugh, but no one's fessin' up. And it's not like it matters, since I'd bet the guy was just some fan…havin' a little fun…he didn't mean anything by it - that's just me guessing…

It could have been that Paul, being a Starchild (can I spell it with an "e"? I think I will!) and all, has magical Starchilde powers that allow him to root out some dickhead - or, maybe everyone in the vicinity of the dickhead started pointing at him, and he didn't notice.

Either way, as soon as I stop shoegazing - I see that I am fix'd in the Starchilde's gaze.

"Why don't you come up here?"

I didn't get to protest. I got PUSHED to the front of the venue. Stanley sticks the mic in my face. I remember muttering something about this not working for me - but I took the microphone anyway...

He says, "Sing 'I Want'…"

And I take a deep breath and rear back and belt as high, hard, and long as I can.

And the crowd goes APETIT.

I'm feeling a little stupid right about then, so I kinda' sorta' sheepishly turn to edge my way back to where I was before.

I turn to see a 3CCD Panasonic DV Cam in my face. They're shooting a concert video tonight. I counted nine cameras total - with the crane overhead and the steadicam...

I'm being hi-fived. I'm being HUGGED. People are offering to buy me booze. Crazy Nights, indeed.

Scotty is ovewhelmed.

Stanley says, "Thank you - goodnight!" and mocks leaving the stage.

He then turns, grabs the microphone, and says to me, "We need to put you in some makeup!"

Scotty is going fucking batshit at this point.

Some guy I've never met before grabs me and screams, "EVERY GIRL IN THIS PLACE WANTS TO FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW!!!"

"Right. Tell me something I don't already know…"

This was very near the last song of the set. Just a bit before "Love Gun" (yes) and "Detroit Rock City" (hell yes)…and it wasn't much longer before the show was over.

On the way out of the building, people are shaking my hand and patting me on the back and telling me how much I "rock". Out the door and to valet parking, people were throwing horns…and telling me about how "awesome" that was…

Just the other day, I was telling one of my co-workers that, "Every time I step outside my door, something truly fucking weird happens."

She said, "Like what...?"

Good luck with the contest.

Great story, HAM. Good to see you back.

Well, I think that story wins.

This wouldn't be you here, would it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3FRH3umvTU

Nope. Not me. Buddy of mine went looking on YouTube, and the only footage he found of anyone was some awkward guy squeaking out "Yoooooooooooou!" - then kinda' degenerating into a shrieking frenzy...

I'd guess you found the same link. I didn't load it, as I noticed it's location was Seattle. I was in Chicago - a few (cra-zy, cra-zy, cra-zy, cra-zy) nights earlier, as I recall...

Apparently, this happened three times on this mini-tour. To me, then the drunk guy, and then to some guy decked out in full Starchild(e) drag, who was apparently the frontman for a KISS tribute band.

The Chicago show was recorded for a DVD release - and while I'd assume they'd cut that song (as you can tell by that YouTube video, he drags that out for an age...and the audience participation stuff never plays at home), you never know - maybe they'd retain it for the KISS KOMPLETISTS out there...

Here's some more concert fun with Paul. This time he threatens a heckler with a laser pointer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWd-OJbcbgs

By the way - the DVD of the concert I mentioned here just hit stores.

And Holy Mother of Tears, I'm on it. And my head is like a pumpkin.*



*And my hat is like a shark fin.