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Do You Have Foot-In-Mouth Disease?

post #1 of 131
2/13/07 at 1:17pm
Thread Starter 
Do you have foot-in-mouth disease?

Have you ruined a perfectly good conversation with an ill-timed joke or insult?

Have you sullied a friendship because you couldn't control your mouth?

Have you offended? Upset? Affronted? Put off?

Given a lot of the personalities here, I'm assuming that we've all put our collective feet in our collective mouths before. There has to be some classic stories out there.


Years ago I worked at a grocery store, and there was this cashier who was nice enough, but almost to the level of annoyance. She wore these flimsy wrist braces all the time, so one day, longing to bust her chops, I asked her, "What are those for? Are those so you're ready to bowl at a moment's notice?" She was clearly offend. "No, actually," she said. "I have pretty bad carpal tunnel." Um, yeah, sorry about that. I later made a joke about something being retarded and found out that her kid had disabilities.

Speaking of bowling, when I was 10 or 11, I thought I'd crack the family up with this joke: "What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball." Now, I had no idea what the joke meant, but I knew it was made when my dad popped his head in the room and burned lasers through my face with his eyes. He leaned into me later, describing my mom as "his wife" (he never did that before or since). Then he threatened to cut off Cinemax, which he always did when I got in trouble (no noods for u!).

I've got lots of others, but I need to know I'm not alone among the chewers.
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post #2 of 131
2/13/07 at 1:28pm
There was a bunch of us at a convention and my friend had brought along a female friend of his I didn't know. We're joking around and I get on this tangent about the Make a Wish Foundation and I say, "How come some kid never says, 'I wish I didn't have to die.'" Yeah, turns out this girl had terminal cancer. Fun con after that.
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post #3 of 131
2/13/07 at 1:41pm
My con story-
I hitched a ride with some friends from the airport to San Diego in '98. The topic of the Hulk came up and I started riffing on how much of a jerk John Byrne was for leaving title just to fuck up Superman. I thought I was killing, so I kept riffing, culminating in a barrage of "Fuck John Byrne!" and "He killed Mark Gruenwald!"

Turns out the guy kind enough to drive me to the hotel was once Byrne's personal agent and a good friend.
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post #4 of 131
2/13/07 at 1:49pm
Got a topper:
When I first started law school, a bunch of us were hanging out, having a good old time and getting to know one another. I'm not exactly sure what the context of the conversation was, but I rolled out that old tasteless chestnut: "If there's grass in the field, play ball." To which one of the girls I was talking to got very pale, leaned forward and mumbled something along the lines of "Not funny, I was molested when I was 12" before storming away. Needless to say, that killed that rap session.

I never liked her anyways.
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post #5 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:05pm
I think I win:

Back in high school, I worked at a McDonalds in my hometown. About eight months into the job, a new coworker joined us who was, at the time, three or four months pregnant. After a couple of weeks, I started to realize that she would use the excuse of being pregnant to get out of simple work, like doing dishes or even changing the trash. We were all trying to respect it, but when you're working an eight hour shift starting at five in the morning at a McDonald's, it tends to make people kind of testy.

Anyway, a lot of water would get on the floor from various things, like the freezer or the dishwasher, and I was in the back. This coworker came back and asked me to clean up the water.

There wasn't that much, so I said "It's not that bad."

She sort of sneered at me and said "I could slip and fall and I don't want to lose the baby."

To which I say:

"It's not a baby, it's a fetus."
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post #6 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:06pm
For some reason I've repeatedly found myself in a situation where I say "as easy and fun as punching a kid" and hear someone in the room is pregnant. The same has happened at least twice with the classic joke "why did a featus cross the road? It was stapled to a chicken".
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post #7 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:10pm
I was at a picnic/festival with some people at work, when the wife of a co-worker offered to babysit my adorable 2-year old daughter if my wife and I had the need to get out every once in a while. Now earlier, the woman made a comment that my daughter was "So cute I could just eat her up". So when she invited us to take advantage of her babysitting, I blurted out: "But you might eat her!"...

I could have easily gotten out of that one with a reference back to her original comment, if the lady wasn't barely 5 foot and 400+lbs. It just came out in a "slo-mo Christmas Story FUDGE!" kinda way. I couldn't stop myself.

ALSO: During my best man speech at my buddy's wedding, the maid of honor wrestled the mic outta my hands for the amount of foot-in-mouth moments I had accrued.

EDIT... I'm also notoriously ignorant for asking heavy women: "When's the baby due?".
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post #8 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:19pm
I thought Rath's story was going to end with the lady falling and losing the pregnancy. Misdirection!
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post #9 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:48pm
I was more hoping that her water had broken.
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post #10 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:52pm
Darkmites' Christmas story fudge anecdote sums up almost every moment I've ever seen this. You know you shouldn't but you're always three seconds short in stopping it from happening.

I have a buddy who is the king of this. Once when watching a show about a high-tech bomb squad, right after hearing that the suit the squad guy was wearing could take a shotgun blast to the head. He turned to me, in the middle of a deep conversation about the benefits of the body armor on display, and said "Hey look I'm in Nirvana, BLAM!!." As he made motions like he shot himself. All I could do was look at him and say "Dude, wtf?"

His best though was when we were both working at a retail store right after highschool. There was this chick who was epileptic and she had been kind of harassing him all day. So late in the day she is bugging me about something and I give him a look like "will this bitch please stfu?" His response? He says "Hey look at me, I'm Stacy(girls name) and commences to fall out on the floor and has a faux seizure, grunts and groans included. I laughed for days. Thankfully I don't seem to suffer from this disease.
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post #11 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:54pm
All I can say is this: "Pack of niggers". People who know the story know it cannot be bested.
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post #12 of 131
2/13/07 at 2:58pm
I don't know this story, but the possibilites of scenerios that end with a line like that all point to it being better off a mystery.
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post #13 of 131
2/13/07 at 3:01pm
I am rather infamous for embarrassing myself.
Like back in the good ol´ days during high school holidays when my best mate was home alone and we had a wild drinking and smoking session. You know, stuff you do when you are about 18 years old. As it had to happen I crashed on the couch. Waking up the other day, my glasses lying on the floor, I thought my mate would be sitting on the couch next to me and watching me closely. My very first words where "Oh you cunt, how come you haven´t have rolled another joint yet?".
Unfortunately and thanks to my particular blindness I was talking to his Mom who came back from holiday early. I just woke a mighty giant.
Needless to say I never visited that house again.
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post #14 of 131
2/13/07 at 3:06pm
Thread Starter 
High school trig class. I had a bit of a crush on this girl Amy. So naturally, as any high school flirting begins with blanket insults because sexual nuance has yet to sprout, we spend half the year giving each other crap. She had a dark spot on her front tooth that used to mesmerize me. Did she know it was there? Did she ever brush her teeth? It looked like a piece of food was constantly stuck there.

Finally, during one insult session, I told her she should "clean that Cheeto Tooth before saying anything else."

Turns out she was unbelievably sensitive about it. She freaked out in the middle of class and started crying.

I gave her an Elmo balloon and apologized, and we stayed friends, but never dated or anything. I heard she turned out to be super hot.
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post #15 of 131
2/13/07 at 3:17pm
I remember playing that old 1942 NES game in a video store once: one of the bonus items you can grab is a flying cow, and when one appeared onscreen I shouted "Here comes the cow!" just as a fat woman walked through the door.

Boy, was my face red.
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post #16 of 131
2/13/07 at 3:18pm
I used to work in a family practice clinic about 2 years ago. It was my first assignment as a medic so I was really inexperienced and seeing injuries firsthand was still a new thing to me. Some days, I'd spend up at the patient check in handing out forms and doing the initial survey stuff. Once I settled into the routine it was easy for me to just go through everything without paying much attention. One afternoon this guy came in along with his 2 friends from work telling me that he needs to be seen. I'd never had a walk in like that so I glance up from my keyboard only to lock eyes with this man. What I saw is what looked like a golf ball trying to pop out of his skull. This is the conversation.

"OK, and what happe--OHMYGOD YOUR FUCKING EYE!"
"Dude, I know! I got stung by a bee!"

This all happened in a packed lobby. I have a ton of those 'foot in the mouth' stories from working in a hospital.
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post #17 of 131
2/13/07 at 4:25pm
I have this problem a lot during Christmas with all my relatives there. My dad and uncles are always wisecracking and taking the piss out of each other, which makes the rest of us feel at ease and try to keep up with them and usually end up falling flat on our faces. Once I made a crack about working at McDonalds, forgetting that two of my cousins worked there for years. And they weren't going to take it quietly haha.

Another time I quoted the "Myeeeeeeesssss!" waiter from the Simpsons' line "I had a strooooooooke!" not realizing I was next to my grandma. Who'd had a stroke.

As far as non-sequiturs and being extremely vulgar in front of the wrong company goes, I am generally so bad my friends are stunned when we're out in public. I'm one of those "I can't take you anywhere!" types.
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post #18 of 131
2/13/07 at 4:32pm
I used to have a standard joke about trying to get my wife to adopt a 19-yr-old Swedish girl.

The in-laws did not find it amusing.
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post #19 of 131
2/13/07 at 4:43pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrankCobretti
I used to have a standard joke about trying to get my wife to adopt a 19-yr-old Swedish girl.

The in-laws did not find it amusing.
I have the same joke, except she's Asian or Hispanic. My in-laws do find it amusing.
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post #20 of 131
2/13/07 at 4:46pm
Me, at a party, wearing my coat and waving a pack of cigarettes which I'm about to go outside and smoke- "Who wants some cancer?"

Girl- who just got operated on for brain cancer - "No thanks, already had some."

Me- "Oh, uh, yeah, er, my grandfather had, yeah, uh, cancer, bad thing, yeah..."
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post #21 of 131
2/13/07 at 4:51pm
What I've learned from this thread: people who have had cancer or been molested have no sense of humor.
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post #22 of 131
2/13/07 at 4:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Riviello
Girl- who just got operated on for brain cancer - "No thanks, already had some."
Awesome, just awesome.
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post #23 of 131
2/13/07 at 5:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick Nunziata
All I can say is this: "Pack of niggers". People who know the story know it cannot be bested.
Don't actually tell the story or anything. It's best if only the inner-circle elite can laugh.

I'm sorry, I just hate in-jokes.
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post #24 of 131
2/13/07 at 5:21pm
I was in a staff meeting, and we were in the process of making changes after an inspection. I made a reference to "doing what we're told like good little nazis". It turned out that one of the older women in the group was not only German, but when she was a little girl, her uncle actually was a Nazi.
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post #25 of 131
2/13/07 at 5:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8
During my best man speech at my buddy's wedding, the maid of honor wrestled the mic outta my hands for the amount of foot-in-mouth moments I had accrued.
I'm pretty good at keeping my foot out of my mouth (not counting when I'm drunk, because then I just don't remember).

This wasn't my doing, just one I witnessed. At my friend's wedding last summer, the maid of honor gets up to give her "speech", and proceeds to pretty much air the bride & groom's dirty laundry as a way to show what they've been through, yet stayed together. Doesn't really go so well when you start off with how they met (cheating on their significant others) and ending with their out-of-wedlock child. What a train wreck - I loved every minute.
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post #26 of 131
2/13/07 at 5:51pm
Most of the time, I never have my foot in my mouth. But when it does, hooooooboy.

I was at a lunchtable with my friends and they were sharing really filthy jokes. Some of them were pretty hilarious. I wanted some of the action too, so...I tried telling them my very own Aristocrats joke. It falls flat, of course.

However, they stared at me as if I needed serious therapy. No more filthy jokes after that.
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post #27 of 131
2/14/07 at 2:14am
My friend got married two weeks ago. His father in law gave one of the most entertaining and educational speeches I've witnessed.

"You two have been living together for some time now so you've already seen some of the ups and downs a relationship brings with it. But marriage is not just an ordinary relationship. You just don't walk out of it when you feel like it. You need a divorce to do that. For that, you need THIS FORM. Both of you need to sign it. Then you have a six month waiting period. And after that you need to share your property. And if you have kids... well, let's just say that's where the REAL hell starts."
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post #28 of 131
2/14/07 at 2:35am
When I was in high school, some kids made the national news by murdering a classmate, with baseball bats, three against one.

This was fall 87, at the time the media was blaming heavy metal for all things evil.

One day in class, I was making some typical high school jokes-being an insensitive asshole about the murder. I don't remember exactly what I said since it bothered me for a long time and I've tried to block it out, but I do remember mentioning the kid who was killed to this girl at my table.

Come to find out, she was the dead kids brother. She was rightfully offended. She transfered to another class after christmas break.

FELT BAD
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post #29 of 131
2/14/07 at 2:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg David
I was in a staff meeting, and we were in the process of making changes after an inspection. I made a reference to "doing what we're told like good little nazis". It turned out that one of the older women in the group was not only German, but when she was a little girl, her uncle actually was a Nazi.
That's classic. Did you end your statement with a sieg heil?


But seriously, how in the hell are you suppose to know that?
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post #30 of 131
2/14/07 at 8:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by General Zod
Come to find out, she was the dead kids brother.
Say What???????
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post #31 of 131
2/14/07 at 8:18pm
I had a girl break up with me during the summer between High School and College. I told her that I hoped she'd get AIDS and die.

Turns out she just got Genital Warts. I'm not sure if that's a case of Foot-in-Mouth or having some really kickass "Dead Zone" powers.
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post #32 of 131
2/15/07 at 1:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by General Zod
Come to find out, she was the dead kids brother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by B_MetalSucks
Say What???????
I caught that as well. Maybe she was his half-brother.



And what as the other half you ask?... Sister.

Her name was Hermaphroditey...
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post #33 of 131
2/15/07 at 2:27pm
The summer after we graduated from high school, my best friend was working as a counselor at a summer camp. Apparently, one of the ongoing in jokes at camp that summer was to tell mama jokes constantly. He came home one weekend and a bunch of us went the movies. I'd already gone in the theater and sat down when he walks in and sits beside me, burying his head in his hands. Apparently, he'd been talking to some other friends in the lobby when a girl used the phrase "curiosity killed the cat." He immediately said "your mama killed your daddy."

Forgetting oh so briefly that the girl's father had died less than two weeks before.
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post #34 of 131
2/15/07 at 2:33pm
In college I was hanging out in a friend's dorm room and noticed a newspaper clipping about the death of a guy who had the same name as my friend. Honestly, the murder was so bizarre that I figured it was a joke article and made a comment about it. Turns out the article was real and it was about the roommate's father. I felt bad enough as it was, but then he started to cry as the incident was very recent. Yikes.
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post #35 of 131
2/15/07 at 2:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anderson
I had a girl break up with me during the summer between High School and College. I told her that I hoped she'd get AIDS and die.

Turns out she just got Genital Warts. I'm not sure if that's a case of Foot-in-Mouth or having some really kickass "Dead Zone" powers.
Kickass or half-assed, I'm not sure which.
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post #36 of 131
2/15/07 at 3:07pm
Got a pretty similar story to Zod's. Was looking through my recently acquired school yearbook when I came upon a full-page picture of this pretty smiling girl, maybe 14 years old. I looked up and saw the same girl standing right in front of me (we were waiting for the bus), so I walked up to her and said "Hey, this looks like you". She replied, "Yeah, she's my twin sister. She died last month." So I said "Oh she's dead? Well no wonder she looks like you!"

The girl stared at me for a moment or two before bursting into tears. Didn't feel too good about that.
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post #37 of 131
2/15/07 at 3:33pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8
I caught that as well. Maybe she was his half-brother.



And what as the other half you ask?... Sister.

Her name was Hermaphroditey...
Duh...sorry for the confusion.

The girl at my table was the murdered boy's sister. A big huge news event of the day. Geraldo came to the town and interviewed the killers.
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post #38 of 131
2/16/07 at 9:42am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant
Got a pretty similar story to Zod's. Was looking through my recently acquired school yearbook when I came upon a full-page picture of this pretty smiling girl, maybe 14 years old. I looked up and saw the same girl standing right in front of me (we were waiting for the bus), so I walked up to her and said "Hey, this looks like you". She replied, "Yeah, she's my twin sister. She died last month." So I said "Oh she's dead? Well no wonder she looks like you!"

The girl stared at me for a moment or two before bursting into tears. Didn't feel too good about that.
I don't know why, but this made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
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post #39 of 131
2/16/07 at 3:54pm
Our high school wrestling coach subbed for my French class one day. He thought he would start the class out with a joke about a drill sergeant finding out that the parents of one of the privates had died in a car accident that morning. The sergeant had to figure out how to tell the private without being too insensitive. So, he lines up all privates and tells each one of them who has both parents living to step forward. "Not so fast, Private Jones!" The wrestling coach couldn't figure out why no one laughed and one girl was crying.

The girl sitting right in front of me had a mother die of cancer two weeks before. About four days later, her father died in a car accident. That day was her first day back at school after losing both parents. And her last day for about another month.
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post #40 of 131
2/16/07 at 4:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonvoight's car
Our high school wrestling coach subbed for my French class one day. He thought he would start the class out with a joke about a drill sergeant finding out that the parents of one of the privates had died in a car accident that morning. The sergeant had to figure out how to tell the private without being too insensitive. So, he lines up all privates and tells each one of them who has both parents living to step forward. "Not so fast, Private Jones!" The wrestling coach couldn't figure out why no one laughed and one girl was crying.

The girl sitting right in front of me had a mother die of cancer two weeks before. About four days later, her father died in a car accident. That day was her first day back at school after losing both parents. And her last day for about another month.
Only one word can sum up this story. Awesome.
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post #41 of 131
2/16/07 at 4:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murdoch
My friend got married two weeks ago. His father in law gave one of the most entertaining and educational speeches I've witnessed.

"You two have been living together for some time now so you've already seen some of the ups and downs a relationship brings with it. But marriage is not just an ordinary relationship. You just don't walk out of it when you feel like it. You need a divorce to do that. For that, you need THIS FORM. Both of you need to sign it. Then you have a six month waiting period. And after that you need to share your property. And if you have kids... well, let's just say that's where the REAL hell starts."
Either you're a stenographer or you're Rain Man.
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post #42 of 131
2/16/07 at 5:18pm
There was a winter back when I was in high school - I'm thinking '89 or '90 - when I frequently wore to school a shiny nylon "Queen" tour jacket that my dad had acquired back when he worked for Elektra records. It just had a giant Queen text logo on the back.

I didn't think about the probable sexual preference connotations that people might have gotten from that until like a year later. Remember, this was Texas, even if Austin is a little more liberal than the rest of the state.
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post #43 of 131
2/16/07 at 5:42pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eric Calkins
I didn't think about the probable sexual preference connotations that people might have gotten from that until like a year later.
I said foot-in-mouth.
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post #44 of 131
2/17/07 at 12:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClark
Either you're a stenographer or you're Rain Man.
Why can't I be both?
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post #45 of 131
2/17/07 at 1:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anderson
I had a girl break up with me during the summer between High School and College. I told her that I hoped she'd get AIDS and die.

Turns out she just got Genital Warts. I'm not sure if that's a case of Foot-in-Mouth or having some really kickass "Dead Zone" powers.

Oh, yay, HPV, the precursor of cervical cancer. Niiice.

ETA: Is it just me or is it amusing that no one asked if you were the one who gave it to her?
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post #46 of 131
2/17/07 at 1:03pm
"In fact, I hate anyone who ever had a pony."

As someone who likes to use blanket statements as a basis for comedy I've found myself feeling Jerry's pain on more than one occasion. My favorite happened back when I was 15. I was playing cards with a bunch of people at my buddy's place. The conversation somehow turned to eating disorders in general and bulimia in particular. My own witty contribution was: "Anyone who's bulimic is both gay and retarded." Mere seconds later I'm being slapped and screamed at by a girl who then stormed out of the room. After my query as to why I had been accosted I learned that while she was not retarded, she was both gay and a recovering bulimic. Live and learn.
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post #47 of 131
2/17/07 at 3:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belethedheliel
Oh, yay, HPV, the precursor of cervical cancer. Niiice.

ETA: Is it just me or is it amusing that no one asked if you were the one who gave it to her?
Nope, it wasn't me. It was another dude she was cheating on me with.
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post #48 of 131
2/23/07 at 3:58am
my brother and I had walked down to the mall to see a movie and we were debating whether to make a detour down to the other end of the mall to the supermarket to get some snacks to sneak in. I said Nah I just cant be bothered walking anymore. right behind me was a chick in a wheel chair, who wasn't particularly impressed with my comment.
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post #49 of 131
2/23/07 at 9:16am
This was related to me by a friend, so my soul is clean:

Friend worked at a restaurant, and afterhours one night he and some drunk co-workers engaged in sexual activities in the private dining room.

Afterwards he walked one of the co-workers to her car and made the joke "Well, now you've got something to tell your dad when you get home!" Just a little something to relieve the awkward tension after a mini-gangbang, y'know. Dum-dum-DUMM...you can see this coming...

...Turns out her dad died five days earlier. The funeral had been the day before.
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post #50 of 131
2/24/07 at 12:02am
She got into a gangbang the day after her dad's funeral? At least she wasn't messed up or anything.
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