Do You Have Foot-In-Mouth Disease? - Page 3

Nothing terribly major. But in jr high, some of the class put on dead make-up to represent the statistic of people who are killed by drunk drivers. I think they went the whole day without talking.

So... of course sometime in the day I ask this girl if she's one of those dead people today. She quietly says, "No..."

Basically went for a ciggie break with a girl that i'd been flirting with for a while at work.Got outside and we both lit up and i came out with something along the lines of "i don't believe smoking causes cancer,its just a government conspiracy to try and stop us from looking cool".

Predictable reply "my grandmother died of cancer" with a filthy looking stink-eye to go with it.We stopped fliting after that but it didn't stop her smoking did it.


One from childhood which gets brought up when we have family get-togethers.When your little and living in Britain,a common tradition around christmas is to go to a pantomine.

Usually during the pantomine theres a bit of banter between the performers and the audience as to what should be done to the bad guy?Kids put their hand up and if chosen get to make a request.I got picked and i shouted into the mic;

"Cut his balls off!" - I was 8.

This weekend my girlfriend was reading some material on children that have developed learning disabilities, or retardation of various kinds, due to abusive households, or the mothers being abused during pregnancy.

She was pretty upset by it, but I told her she chose to go into this profession, and if she couldn't take "helping kids whose mother was thrown down a staircase" she maybe needed to think of changing her major.

Yeah, my girlfriend was thrown down a flight of stairs by her ex-fiance, resulting in a miscarriage. The next couple hours were not pleasant.

Working in the theme park, I can't tell you how many times I heard this conversation:

Attendant: "Oh hi, we advise that pregnant women not ride this ride."
Guest: "I'm not pregnant."

Oh the fun of sorting that little mess out.

Two more recent ones for me:

-- We're at the Food and Wine Festival at EPCOT, and we're standing in line at a booth serving wines from South Africa. So I bust out with "Hey, why are all the white wines off to one side like that?" And it's on "one side" where I notice the large African-American family standing next to us.

-- We were hanging Christmas decorations in our office, and I was decorating the doors of a couple of our directors. I'd finished one, but was running low on ornaments for the second one. So I finished it, and explained to the director, "The only thing is you don't have as many balls as he does."

I told my sister in law she was a fatty at lunch during the thanksgiving weekend.

Foot in mouth big time. To be honest, she still hasn't lost her baby carrying extra weight, hasn't been working out at all, and wanted to eat my extra stir fried rice in between her burger king meal.

I pretty much hobble everywhere, with one foot (at least) permanently lodged in my mouth. Two fer instances:

Senior year in high school; dating a girl I'd eyed all year, the quiet, smart cute type. First date, we went to get some snacks at a local eatery. Some friends happen by the table and I start to introduce her....and totally blank on her name. I wish I could say that's never happened since, but I'd be lying.

Several years ago, working at a large corporation that employs a shitload of attorneys. One attorney there had his business cards with his full name (including middle) which just read as really pompous and stereotypically white upper class ("Chester Rodrigo Witherington III") and I launched into a tirade about it to my coworker. After I finished, she stared at me and told me his middle name was from his father, who had died years ago.

I wanted to crawl under the desktop.

I was laid off in Nov, and just "re-hired" as a contractor. Guess who my new manager is...

I'd give you a high-5 for that, but I'd hate to make anyone feel inadequate.

I was on staff for this Boy Scout program called the Junior Leadership Conference with around 10 other guys. We all bullshitted around with one another toward the end of the trip when we left all the program participants camping alone after a 3 day canoeing trip so they'd come into the camp the next day by themselves (memory's hazy on this). But we're ready to be pulled back to camp by a guy with a small motorboat. I jokingly refer to the boat as the dudes "PT boat" not realizing the guy was a Vietman vet...

Also, on the same trip, we were all saying stupid 'yo mamma' jokes to each other to pass the time and I say something about this other staffer's mother. "My mom's dead!" He screamed and started to cry... I had to appolgize to not look like an asshole, but it kind of pissed me off in the sense of 'how in the hell was I suppose to know?'

Got asked if I had an "alarm cock" this weekend. That was fun.

On our first anniversary, my wife and I went to Ruth's Chris to celebrate. As we pulled up to the valet, I thought it might be humorous to make a self-deprecating joke about my shitty car. I got out and said to the valet, "Don't scratch it, it's a classic!" After I say it, the valet appears rather pissed. I look down, and the guy had a metal hook for a left hand.

After stammering like an idiot for a few seconds, I ran inside.

So I bump into a girl I know from my workplace at a concert. We start talking, and turns out she is acquainted with a guy I had done some work for a couple of years back. After making clear my current disdain for him (to her attentive silence), I launch into the story where I tell her how I was at a party with a girl, and he was dead drunk & started making pathetic moves on her. I conclude the story with: 'what kinda girl would fall for those loser tricks.' To which she replies: 'Well, he's my boyfriend of five months now, so I guess I'm that kinda girl.' Run to the bar ensues.

The kicker to this story: he dumped her a month later, I met her again a year later- we ended up dating for a few months.
The post-kicker to this story: our liaison ended when she got back together with him.

But I swear, I'm with the woman of my life now, so everything turned out nicely.

At my old job I used to work with a laser scanner and my default joke when people would stick their hand under it was "watch out, it causes cancer". Unfortunately one time a little bald kid did that and the joke made it's way past my mouth before my brain could stop it. His face just fell and I went home and cried for like an hour. God, I still feel awful about that

All in all though usually I'm on the receiving end of cruel or thoughtless comments (not talking about CHUD btw, you guys are classy for the most part) and not the one making them

EDIT: Ok, I just wanted to clarify that I don't mean that people are always being cruel to me, I just often get upset when people make thoughtless jokes or comments

Called out a pregnant woman at my former workplace that was having her third kid when her first two were really screwed genetically with hemophilia and other disorders. Her reply was to get really pissed off and make the claim that maybe the next one wouldn't... After two that do and with the same father...

I'm sorry, I read this, and all I can think is "But I have a big head! AND LITTLE ARMS! I'm not sure how well thought out this plan is!"

I just hit "reply all" on a work email that I shouldn't have. Shit.

The first office I worked at after graduating the doctor and his wife adopted a boy and girl from Romania shortly after I began. They had been trying for the ten years of their marriage to have children. I'm not sure how long after they had brought them home, was probably a few years, but his wife and I were standing at the front desk just chatting. She made a remark about how expensive children were and my crack wit shot out, "Well, Gina, you're not supposed to BUY them."

In work a couple of days ago one of the nurses told everyone that her kid's pet rabbit had just died, now she had been moaning about this rabbit for as long as I've been there - costs too much to look after, it stinks, how she always ends up feeding it or cleaning out the hutch etc. So, I say in a jokey manner, "why don't you skin it and put it in the pot for your tea tonight?". This was in front of all the other nurses in our office and they all went dead silent (if you've worked with a group of nurses you'll know how unusual this is) and she gave the most whithering/disgusted look I've ever seen.
She ignored me and started talking about something else entirely whilst I skulked off to my desk.

Yeah, ticking off the hot work experience student when trying to compare the differences between the American and British class systems (and doing an awful job of it)... not cool.

I know I'm probably going home for a few months at least, so no big loss, but jesus...

Ok so we were at my In Laws farm yesterday, my wife had gone off with her mother half an hour earlier and I set out to find them to give them both a cup of tea. Anyway when I caught up with them the first thing Kirsty said to me was

"Go onto google and look up how to get a horse's penis to come out".


Turns out said horse had an infection and they needed to apply some cream but you can imagine the look on my face before I knew this.

I think I mentioned this in another thread or something (possibly in my award winning* blog), but I'll bring it up here:

My junior year of high school, Livestrong bracelets were all the rage. I didn't care for them, but everyone else in my English class had them, including my teacher. One day, we didn't have anything pressing to do, so it was more of a free period. I took the time to work on some chemistry while most of the class was just shooting the shit with teach.

At one point, the bracelets come up in conversation and my teacher mentions that "Mine actually broke earlier today..."

So, of course, without thinking (or even looking up from my textbook) I mouth off, "Well you know what that means! Somebody died of cancer!"

The room becomes dead silent and I look up from my lab writeup to find the whole class staring at me. We have an awkward thirty seconds and then all silently agree to move on with our lives.


*self awarded

Or get you killed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uwk6r8TJD2U

Around 10 Christmases ago, my grandmother, mother (Diane) and sister went to the grocery store for supplies. My mom would place some nuts in our Christmas stockings as a tradition, including Brazil Nuts, which are sometimes called a rather racist nickname. Anyway, at some point my grandmother was at one part of an aisle and my mom and sister were farther away when my grandma yells out, "Hey Di, do you want me to get you some 'Nigger Toes'"? A black family had just turned into the aisle. My mom and sister just walked into another aisle without acknowledging her.

I dated this girl and something came up about her having to wash her hand, and I sardonically said that "maybe you shouldn't fist yourself, or something."

We broke up shortly after.

I was out to dinner with some friends, and an old friend of mine who is usually pretty smooth is telling a story and snaps his fingers in the air and a waitress comes up because she thought he was doing the asshole thing and signaling for her that way. He apologized profusely and things were fine.

He tipped her heavily.

my boss comes up to me and out of nowhere asks 'Do you know what a Cleveland Steamer is?'

i just sort of look at him for a second and go..'yeeees...do you?'

'I do now'

evidently we have a broken piece of kitchen equipment at my hotel (called a Cleveland Steamer)that needs parts. so he googled to see where to order them from.

Saw a Dutch oven in a store last week. That cracked me up quite a bit.

I think that is funny! I am no fan of Armstrongs, and I find your cancer humor delightful. Your classmates just don't have a sense of humor

Nick = time traveling Mel Gibson?

UGH.....


On the way back from TRON LEGACY*, I stopped to pick up some groceries. As I rounded the Fish Market, I spotted someone from my distant past examining the lemon barrel. It was a guy I'd gone to Kindergarten with, and who used to hang out with me all the time way back then. We'd play make believe games about forest creatures. He was my first ever crush, basically. I'd not seen him in a few years, and he still is someone I get tongue tied around, so I had to think of my feet and decide what to do. Little did I know those same feet would soon be planted firmly in my mouth

He'd not yet seen me so there was still time to duck into the cookie aisle and avoid a face to face meeting, but instead I was so overwhelmed I decided to just say hi...

After the hug and hellos (aprox 10 seconds later), I immediately realized that I'd made a giant mistake. I realized that I had absolutely no small talk to make or a reason to chat beyond the initial wow factor of seeing him there

I'm kind of zonky and running on not enough sleep, and I couldn't think of anything to say. I was basically monosyllabic, and when he asked what I was up to these days, all I could come up with was to say that I'd "just seen TRON LEGACY". Realizing in a panic that this meeting wasn't going like I'd hoped, I needed to come up with an excuse to leave. Was "my mom waiting for me"? Did I "have to get to a doctors appointment"? I thought that I could try and tell him that I was tired and wanted to finish my shopping and head home. Unfortunately what came out of my mouth was this:

"I'm really tired right now, I should go. Bye!"

I smiled awkwardly and walked away down towards the salad bar

I was really tired, and in that moment my lack of sleep was effecting my conversation skills, but to him this must no doubt have seemed like an odd way to make my exit and I'm still kicking myself over how unpleasently that whole encounter played itself out

This is by far the worst thing that's happened to me all year

*bad movie but amazing effects, IMHO. CLU is the Hanz Landa of 2011, as far as scene stealing villainy goes