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Maxim Does It Again

post #1 of 86
2/23/07 at 11:48am
Thread Starter 
http://www.slashfilm.com/2007/02/22/...s-of-all-time/

Quote:
Maxim Magazine is celebrating the best of the worst motion pictures in the March issue. We bring you “The 20 Greatest Awful Movies of All Time.”

Maxim’s picks, or more accurately, pans:

20. The Beastmaster: Half Conan and half Dr. Dolittle, loincloth-wearing Marc Singer is Dar, a man who talks to the animals…and kills people.

19. Hard Target: Jean-Claude Van Damme’s lone film with Wilford Brimley is good family fun, provided your idea of family fun is watching homeless Vietnam vets being hunted for sport.

18. Hot Dog…The Movie!: It has skiing, a jagoff German and topless scenes. Instant classic.

17. Over the Top: A Stallone steamer about a man who regains his son’s love by arm wrestling.

16. Tango & Cash: Ali and Frazier. Magic and Bird. Sly and Kurt. It’s a dream pairing of B-movie icons in the tale of rival cops who bond by putting grenades in people’s pants.

15. They Live: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper has sunglasses that enable him to see that many people are, in fact, aliens. It’s a real crowd pleaser.

14. Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins- They were looking for a blockbuster action franchise. That didn’t happen.

13. Boondock Saints: Writer-director Troy Duffy was supposed to be the next Tarantino. His one film pre-flame-out features Willem Dafoe swishing it up as a gay FBI agent.

12. Starship Troopers: Satire of fascism or just miserably acted flick about kids who wanna squash some bugs? At least it stars Doogie Howser!

11. The Toxic Avenger: Troma Films’ masterpiece reveals what happens when a nerdy janitor falls in toxic waste: superpower strength to rip off a person’s arm and beat him with it.

10. Best of the Best: James Earl Jones, Eric Roberts and the US karate team beat Koreans into kimchi.

9. Missing in Action: While Vietnam wasn’t much fun at the time, it’s made for a lot of awesome movies. This one may not have the cinematic merit of Full Metal Jacket, but it has something better: Chuck Norris.

8. Commando: After a former Latin American dictator snatches his daughter, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ex-GI John Matrix must rescue her using only violence and one-liners: “I let him go,” “He’s dead tired.”

7. The Island of Dr. Moreau: Your chance to see Brando with an ice bucket on his head.

6. Billy Madison: The inspiring tale of a lad who just wants to “touch the hiney.”

5. Dead Alive: In this pre-Lord of the Rings gorefest by Peter Jackson, zombies battle with Father McGruder, the kung fu priest.

4. Dolemite: The coolest/worst made blaxploitation flick. A pimp tries to duck the boom mike drifting into shoots.

3. Showgirls: Nomi’s a small-town gal with big dreams to become a topless dancer in Vegas. She must first endure sleazy casino execs, rock stars and much gratuitous nudity.

2. Porky’s: The subplot about anti-Semitism wasn’t the best, but respect must be paid for bringing glory holes to the mainstream and teaching us why Kim Cattrall is called Lassie.

1. Big Trouble in Little China: Kurt Russell needs to save a green-eyed girl from a Chinese man who wants to marry her so that he can take over the universe. Or something like that. Honestly, no one knows what’s actually going on in this guns and kung fu mishmash, but if you spot it while flipping channels you will watch it until the end.
Oh boy.
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post #2 of 86
2/23/07 at 11:49am
Yeah. I saw that and wanted to stab someone. Or wrestle with them for 20 minutes.
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post #3 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:01pm
Who exactly do they claim to represent again?
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post #4 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:02pm
I needed a good laugh this morning. Maxim gave it to me.

It's almost like they are baiting...
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post #5 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:03pm
Um, yeah. Wow.

For the record, the Americans do not beat the Koreans into a pulp in BEST OF THE BEST. Sonny Grosso and Virgil Keller get their asses kicked, and Travis Brickley loses in a brick-breaking tie breaker. Only Alex Grady and Tommy Lee manage to actually beat their opponents (the ubiquitous James Lew (Sae Jin Kwan) and the slightly-less-ubiquitous Simon Rhee (Dae Han)). Then those fruity Koreans give away their medals. Lew and Rhee I can understand. I mean, they got their asses kicked. But why should the other three get anything?

Let's get it together, Maxim. Jesus.

(Note: I just watched this movie again a few days ago. Granted, I would have known this anyway, but I suppose it's worth noting.)
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post #6 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Kent
It's almost like they are baiting...
They're masters of it...oh, nevermind.
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post #7 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:08pm
.....Maxim's only "strength" is the pictures of semi-naked women.

Anyone thinking that the words in their pages mean something remotely coherant should go spend an evening with Fabfunk under the sheets.
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post #8 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:10pm
I've seen nearly all of those. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
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post #9 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:17pm
The fact that anyone, no matter how poorly respected, can make a list like this and not include Road House just boggles my mind.
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post #10 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChunkyLover53
I've seen nearly all of those. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
It's a great thing actually. It makes you a Man.

Shit, the only one I haven't seen is Dolemite. Gotta work on that.
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post #11 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:35pm
Part of me is happy for the recognition some of these films are getting, but a bigger part of me is offended by the left-handed compliment. BTIL aweful? You f**kers! I guess they translate fun into aweful. "Aweful" implies lower quality, and in their respective sub-genres, some are of the highest quality.
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post #12 of 86
2/23/07 at 12:37pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathan Banks is my hero
For the record, the Americans do not beat the Koreans into a pulp in BEST OF THE BEST. Sonny Grosso and Virgil Keller get their asses kicked, and Travis Brickley loses in a brick-breaking tie breaker. Only Alex Grady and Tommy Lee manage to actually beat their opponents (the ubiquitous James Lew (Sae Jin Kwan) and the slightly-less-ubiquitous Simon Rhee (Dae Han)). Then those fruity Koreans give away their medals. Lew and Rhee I can understand. I mean, they got their asses kicked. But why should the other three get anything?

Let's get it together, Maxim. Jesus.

(Note: I just watched this movie again a few days ago. Granted, I would have known this anyway, but I suppose it's worth noting.)
That's a good point. I lose it everytime when Dae Han gives up his medal.

"To save a life in defeat is to earn victory and honour within. Your brother too, was a great fighter. I deeply regret your loss, and I offer myself as your brother."

Eat me, Maxim.
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post #13 of 86
2/23/07 at 1:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Savage
Shit, the only one I haven't seen is Dolemite. Gotta work on that.
Trust me, that film is something else. I'll give Maxim one thing, their description of it is pretty dead on.
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post #14 of 86
2/23/07 at 1:35pm
Dae Han's last line that Moltisanti quoted, and his team members giving their medals to the US team, was what clinched the movie as a keeper for me. The fact that Simon and Philip are brothers in real life probably had a lot to w/ the scene's poignancy.

I love the fact that the Koreans return as cameo backup muscle in the sequel. "Hooston!"
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post #15 of 86
2/23/07 at 1:44pm
Is the word "awful" in the list title supposed to be ironic? Because I'll bottle fight any motherfucker who calls Big Trouble in Little China an awful movie.

Ditto for Tango & Cash. Big time FUBAR.
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post #16 of 86
2/23/07 at 1:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by The LD
The fact that anyone, no matter how poorly respected, can make a list like this and not include Road House just boggles my mind.
I'll just have to pretend I didn't hear that.
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post #17 of 86
2/23/07 at 1:54pm
1. Big Trouble in Little China

Maxim sure knows how to get it's magazine advertised on every geek board on the planet.
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post #18 of 86
2/23/07 at 1:58pm
Thread Starter 
C'mon, you know how easily I bait. How could I resist bringing attention to this list?

I can't believe I've never seen BEASTMASTER. None of you will believe that I've never seen OVER THE TOP.
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post #19 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Isao Kanemasa
Dae Han's last line that Moltisanti quoted, and his team members giving their medals to the US team, was what clinched the movie as a keeper for me. The fact that Simon and Philip are brothers in real life probably had a lot to w/ the scene's poignancy.
IIRC the Rhee clan was protecting the witness at Fever in Collateral.
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post #20 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:06pm
Okay, so the BTILC indignation is taken up, so how bout They Live?
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post #21 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:11pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moltisanti
None of you will believe that I've never seen OVER THE TOP.
I'll just have to pretend I didn't hear that.
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post #22 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:12pm
They'll have two or three I agree with, and then Starship Troopers? Come on!!!
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post #23 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Subotai
IIRC the Rhee clan was protecting the witness at Fever in Collateral.
I'm not sure about Phillip but I'm pretty sure Simon was. He's one of the more prolific stunt men these days.
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post #24 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Subotai
IIRC the Rhee clan was protecting the witness at Fever in Collateral.
I know Simon was. I think Philip was eating lobster sashimi at the seafood restaurant on Redondo Beach Pier.
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post #25 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moltisanti
C'mon, you know how easily I bait. How could I resist bringing attention to this list?

I can't believe I've never seen BEASTMASTER. None of you will believe that I've never seen OVER THE TOP.
What have you done with Moltisanti?
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post #26 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:18pm
Thread Starter 
I don't know what to say. Even when I was 10 I looked at it and thought "Arm wrestling? No thanks. POLICE ACADEMY 4 will suit me today, shopkeep."

I really should make amends. If not for Sly, then at least for Loggia.
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post #27 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson
They'll have two or three I agree with, and then Starship Troopers? Come on!!!
Am I the only one hearing GOB say this?

Edit: Get on it, Molti. Over The Top breaks all the rules of the arm-wrestling genre.
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post #28 of 86
2/23/07 at 2:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moltisanti
I don't know what to say. Even when I was 10 I looked at it and thought "Arm wrestling? No thanks. POLICE ACADEMY 4 will suit me today, shopkeep."

I really should make amends. If not for Sly, then at least for Loggia.
Don't forget Terry Funk.
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post #29 of 86
2/23/07 at 3:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith Fordyce
Okay, so the BTILC indignation is taken up, so how bout They Live?
Best Roddy Piper movie ever.

The movie is all kinds of entertaining, and has one of the greatest fight scenes on film.

Maxim has no soul....
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post #30 of 86
2/23/07 at 3:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith Fordyce
Okay, so the BTILC indignation is taken up, so how bout They Live?
I'm just too shocked to respond about the others. Starship Troopers awful? They Live awful? I would have thought that these kinda flicks would be championed by Maxim because of the demographic, not ridiculed.

EDIT: to fix my rampant misspelling of "AWFUL"
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post #31 of 86
2/23/07 at 3:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moltisanti
None of you will believe that I've never seen OVER THE TOP.
I don't believe this, particularly because I've seen this enough times that I could quote whole scenes. *turns hat around*
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post #32 of 86
2/23/07 at 3:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva
I don't believe this, particularly because I've seen this enough times that I could quote you whole scenes. *turns hat around*
DITTO. I'm ashamed of you, Molt. C'mon, meet me half way... across the sky...
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post #33 of 86
2/23/07 at 3:47pm
Ok, now it's personal. Nobody messes with Psychic Nazi Doogie Howser.
/GaryOldman
NOBODY!!!
/GaryOldman
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post #34 of 86
2/23/07 at 3:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8
....EDIT: to fix my rampant misspelling of "AWFUL"
I've just been pretending you were saying that the films were "full of awe".
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post #35 of 86
2/23/07 at 3:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobblemonkey
I've just been pretending you were saying that the films were "full of awe".
Well they are, but I don't think that's what Maxim meant...
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post #36 of 86
2/23/07 at 4:56pm
Wow, this manages to be more ignorant and misguided than whatever the hell they called their martial arts movie list a couple of months or so ago. About what I'd expect from the most useless magazine on the planet - Playboy without nudity or the worthwhile writing. Someone at Maxim clearly bears a grudge towards John Carpenter. If I actually had a subscription to this useless piece of shit, I'd cancel it, since the paper they use is far too glossy to wipe my ass with. Go out of business already, fuckers.
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post #37 of 86
2/23/07 at 5:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moltisanti
I don't know what to say. Even when I was 10 I looked at it and thought "Arm wrestling? No thanks. POLICE ACADEMY 4 will suit me today, shopkeep."

I really should make amends. If not for Sly, then at least for Loggia.
Goddamn right you should. Fun little game to play when you do see it: imagine that instead of going the estranged son route, they had decided to make the character an attractive old girlfriend, with all situations and dialogue the same.

Btw, who is the source of your new sig?
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post #38 of 86
2/23/07 at 5:22pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz
Btw, who is the source of your new sig?
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post #39 of 86
2/23/07 at 6:16pm
WO, Big Trouble is number one? If I did have a subscription to Maxim this article would have made me cancel it
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post #40 of 86
2/23/07 at 6:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack "Sue" Dnim
Best Roddy Piper movie ever.
Well, when the main competition is Hell Comes to Frogtown....
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post #41 of 86
2/23/07 at 6:24pm
Thread Starter 
I'll take BACK IN ACTION over HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN. What it lacks in frogmen it makes up for with Billy Blanks.
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post #42 of 86
2/23/07 at 7:17pm
Hard Target has the most ass-kicking last half hour ever, goofy hairdo or no. It's pure Woo. Fuck'em.
Starship Troopers is awful? No. I love that they have to ask if it really might be a satire on fascism, as if they're not really sure. Fuck'em.
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post #43 of 86
2/23/07 at 7:32pm
Fuck Maxim.
Starship Troopers is one of my all-time favorite movies and They Live makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.
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post #44 of 86
2/23/07 at 8:40pm
I can't believe we're giving somebody shit for not seeing The Beastmaster and Over the Top. Sure, I like to watch Marc Singer cavort around in a loin cloth as much as the next guy, but c'mon.

I honestly don't remember Over the Top. Stallone. Kid in every other 80's movie. Custody dispute. I can imagine the studio pitch: "It's like Kramer vs. Kramer, but with arm wrestling!"
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post #45 of 86
2/23/07 at 8:46pm
Doesn't the custody dispute reach a VERY final resolution about 20 minutes into the film?
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post #46 of 86
2/23/07 at 8:48pm
Thread Starter 
I can't blame anyone for lashing out at me over this oversight. I prance around here talking about "Stallone this" and "Stallone that" and the truth is I have not seen what has to be one of his iconic performances. I imagine it's a lot like learning Willie Mays swings a corked bat.

Never saw RHINESTONE either. I don't care what any of you say, it's not happenin'.
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post #47 of 86
2/23/07 at 9:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninhead
Who exactly do they claim to represent again?

Women.
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post #48 of 86
2/23/07 at 10:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moltisanti
Never saw RHINESTONE either. I don't care what any of you say, it's not happenin'.
For shame. Nothing beats the scene where Dolly Parton teaches Stallone how to properly pronounce "dog." And for the record, it's "Da-hawg."
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post #49 of 86
2/23/07 at 10:04pm
Good. God. It really is baiting. I mean look at how much we've already written about this damnable article?

Best of the Best - I had totally forgotten about this! I loved that movie.

I half expected them to include The Wizard with Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis, too.
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post #50 of 86
2/23/07 at 10:15pm
starship troopers is the absolute definition of a contender for the 'best awful movie' crown. the acting is awful. the dialogue is awful. the plot is awful. even the fucking titties are awful.

and how the hell are kurt and sly b-list action stars?
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