The Aristocrats

So this guy walks into an agents office and says "I got this new act for you, it's a family act." The agent goes, "alright, what is it?" The guy goes "Well it starts off with my pregnant wife onstage. She comes out and she curtseys to the audience. Then she gets on her back, rips off her clothes, and starts to masturbate furiously. Starts with one finger, then two, then a third, pretty soon she's got her whole arm up to her elbow, she's practically slapping hands with the baby. Then she pulls out her arm and licks off all of her juices and amniotic fluids. The scent of the placenta is pungent, I mean I don't if you've ever witnessed a baby being born, but the smell brutal. Anyway, this smell is enough to attract my little dog, Milo. Now Milo is licking my wife's arm which is covered in vaginal fluids, amniotic fluids and blood.

While Milo is doing his thing, I come out with a galllon of milk. I take off the cap and proceed to shove it up my wife's vagina, into her womb. Then I jump on her stomache, blowing the baby out of her uterus and into the plastic milk jug. I then pull out the milk jug, carrying the rest of the amniotic sac with it, and let me tell you, my dog goes NUTS. He's yipping and jumping up and down, you'd think it was his fucking birthday.

Using my teeth, I bite off the umbilical cord, and screw down the cap. Then I shake it up real good. You know, you gotta really work it to dissolve the flesh right. While I'm shaking it all up, the two kids, Timmy, age 13, and Jenny, age 7, walk out. Eventually I dissolve it just enough, getting it to be this nice pinkish color. I call it Gary milk because that's what we were going to call the baby before we aborted it onstage. I take a great big swig but I don't swallow because if you aren't careful, you can choke on the little bits of cartiledge floating around in there. Then I turn to my son, and we start making out. During this the girl is bending over, lifting up her cute little jumper, and my wife is playing umbilical cord tug of war with Milo.

After I have transferred the Gary milk into Timmy's mouth, I start jacking him off while he spits it all up my daughter's tight anus. The cartiledge bits don't go up as easy as the liquid so he has to use his thumb to shove it all up there. After this, he takes out a jack knife and cuts out my daughter's heart. Then, me and him mount ourselfs on opposite valves and fucking the heart. Jenny, with her dying breaths, sings "Closer to the Heart" by Rush. You gotta hear her to believe it, she sounds just like Geddy Lee. While this is going on my dog is going back and forth between licking my wife's bleeding cunt and humping my daughter's open chest cavity. Then, I throw the heart away, and me and my wife stick our arms up our kid's asses. We then perform a Punch and Judy puppet show. Usually I'm Punch and she's Judy but we occasionally like to switch it around a bit. Gotta keep things fresh, you know? After the puppet show, we shake our arms wildly trying to get them out of our children's assholes. Eventually we get them off, but only by turning them inside out, splattering their entrails all over the stage.

The dog goes nuts.

Then we bow and say 'Ta Da!'"

The agent, he looks at this guy, he's utterly disgusted, and he goes "That's...that's probably the most terrible thing I ever heard in my life. What's the name of the act?"

The man smiles and goes "The Aristocrats!"

The details are what make this joke sing, and I got to say, the Rush reference was pretty great there, Patrick.

Patrick,

My name (duh) is Tim. My wife's name is Jen. Rush is my absolute favorite band, (we played "Entre Nous" at our wedding).

I salute you, sir. (golf clap!)

Half of that joke, Patrick, read like a Richard Laymon novel.

Gary milk... nice.

So this guy walks into an agents office and says "I got this new act for you, it's a family act."
He then pulls in the agent's wife and ten year old son, both bound with rope. Holding a gun to the wife's head, he demands the agent ass-fuck his own son or he'll shoot his wife dead. As the agent performs the horrible deed with tears in his eyes, the man masturbates furiously all over the wife. The office secretary returns from lunch and walks in on the awful scene. "My god!" she screams, "What is this?!"
The man, with a smile a mile wide, exclaims "The Aristocrats!"

It's kind of an audience participation thing.

A talent agent is about to go home for the night. He's locking up his office, when this guy bursts out of the elevator door, grabs the agent, and tells him he has this mind-blowing new act he HAS to tell him about involving his wife, his twin daughters, even the family poodle, Sprinkles.

Agent shakes his head and says "Not interested. Guy came in about 4 hours ago with the exact same act."

The man is crestfallen, and drops his head, "Oh."

"Sorry."

The agent's about to walk away when he stops in his tracks, snaps his fingers, and goes to unlock the office.

"He said you might want the vaginas back. Come on in, I'll get the jar."

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Patrick Ripoll again.

I am so going to get fired...

Guy walks into a talent agent's office, goes, "Have I got an act for you, it's a family act!" Agent leans back in his chair, puts his feet on his desk, lights up a cigar and makes a movie screen with his hands. He's a Jon Peters kind of motherfucker, and he says "Go."

Our guy says, "All right, so, this is kind of a theatrical piece, but it's profoundly moving, and it's also controversial, so bear with me. We start off with Trent Reznor by himself on the middle of the stage, playing 'Tubular Bells.' If you don't know it, you should, but I've been working with Trent really closely and he's put together an amazing industrial arrangement of the piece, you're gonna love it. We're talking 'Best Original Song' here.

After Trent's done melting your face off, my wife, Rachel, and her best friend come out on stage and sit down at a table. My wife's this big time actress, she just won an Oscar. Just to give you the kind of idea what we're going for, my woman kind of looks like Linda Blair, but younger and hotter. So while my wife and her girlfriend are having coffee, a choir of Gregorian monks comes out on stage. I want to get those guys who were big in the 90s, the "Chant" guys, but if we can't get them, Blue Man Group will do just fine.

All of a sudden, there's a scream from offstage and this voice -- he kind of sounds like Tony Hopkins -- says 'Do it!' Before my wife and her friend can react, this ten-year-old kid runs onstage, half naked, with his pajama bottoms down around his ankles, bleeding from his ass. It's my godchild, the kid of my wife's best friend, Will. Will has not only jammed an entire crucifix up his ass -- did you see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? The beginning? That's what I'm talking about. -- but he's actually managed to get his entire hand up there as well. And he's thrusting back and forth, back and forth, pulling his entire hand and this giant crucifix out of his ass.

Now, as I'm sure you're aware, this has caused young Will to become incontinent, so as he's ramming his ass, he's got shit dribbling out onto the stage. On top of this, he's screaming, top of his lungs -- and you got to hear the pipes on this boy -- "LET JESUS FUCK YOU! LET JESUS FUCK YOU!" Told you it was controversial.

My wife and her friend -- Sherri -- leap up, grab Will, and throw him onto the table. I forgot to mention that the table is set for a full seven-course-meal, so they sweep all that shit clear, right into the audience. It's like Gallagher. So they're trying to keep will from basically ripping his rear open from ass to balls, pinning him to the table, but damn, this boy is strong. Will leaps up, shoves his bloody, brown ass into Sherri's face and says "Lick my blood and shit!" This kind of turns Sherri on, so she starts to eat out Will's asshole. She actually manages to deepthroat one end of the crucifix and pull it out with her mouth, so that takes care of that.

My wife, meanwhile -- and remember, we've got the Blue Man Group playing "Carmina Burana" behind this -- is trying to pin Will to the table. She can't find anything to tie him down, so she rips off her blouse, revealing this great set of tits in this crimson bra. She paid 200 dollars for the fucking thing, it better be a great bra. She rips her blouse into thin strips and manages to tie Will down to the table as Sherri continues to eat his asshole out.

Just as my wife manages to tie Will down to the table, his face goes all funky and freaky and he says "Remember me?" We're working with ILM and Criss Angel for the effects. It's an homage, I don't expect you to get the reference, and my wife freaks. She fucking screams her head off and goes running into the arms of the Blue Man Group, one of whom pops this massive boner when her tits pop out as she runs across the stage -- the bra's specially engineered to do that, I guess that's why it costs so much.

When my wife gets scared, she gets horny, and she's a fan of the cock, so she gets down on her knees and starts fellating the member of the Blue Man Group -- who's still managing to play "Carmina Burana" during this. It's a long piece, and if we go over, the group's got other songs -- Bach, "Night On Bald Mountain," "Don't Stop Believin'", you know, the classics.

By this time, Will has calmed down enough, and Sherri's bored from eating his ass out, so she goes over to my wife, and pulls her off the Blue Man's blue cock. They stand up and look deeply into each other's eyes, and don't say a lot. This is the classy part of the act. After a moment, they kiss, pull apart, and look scared, but happy. It's like a Showtime After Dark special. They kiss again and the lights go down a little bit, but as they do, we see that the Blue Man still has this raging boner, and he's actually jerking off one of the other Blue Men as the lights dim.

Now, you might not think this, but my wife's kind of shy about her body, so the next time we see Rachel and Sherri, they're lying naked on the floor next to Will, kissing and rubbing each other's pussies. The reason the lights are so dim are to account for body doubles -- if these two broads don't want to do it, we'll bring in some people who have no problem with it. I'm thinking Tory Lane and Cheyanne Bailey if we can spring her out of rehab. I'm pretty sure my wife will do it, though.

As my wife and Sherri are making out on the floor of the stage, Will breaks free of his thin bonds and starts beating off. He's fucking ten, if you saw two hot broads like that jilling off in front of you, you'd pop one, too. We've still got the Blue Man Group in the background jerking off -- all three of them, in a circle jerk, still playing their instruments, until they walk, in tandem, over to my wife and Sherri and come all over their bodies. The rain of sperm startles them, and they look up to see the Blue Man Group standing over them with their instruments and their raging boners. So what do they do?

That's right, they suck them off. It's like that scene in Requiem for a Dream, except by now, Will's managed to pull a giant dildo in the shape of a crucifix out of his ass and has handed it off to my wife and Sherri. Ass to Ass, ass to ass! Will, on the other hand, is having a seizure as he mounts himself on one of the Blue Man Group's instruments and starts to hump it. This may be a problem for the music at this point, because Will's blood and shit and sperm is actually trickling down into the Blue Man's instrument and coming out of the guy's mouth, so that's when we decide to bring in Avril Lavigne and Josh Groban, who join us onstage. Josh is naked, Avril is wearing clothes, because honestly, would you want to look at that?

Now, I don't know if you know this, but in addition to being a whitebread motherfucker, Josh Groban is actually an exorcist, too. He's got the touch, he's got the power, and that's actually the song that he and Avril are singing. It would have been better with Charlotte Church, but Charlotte doesn't do nudity.

My wife's the one who's responsible for booking Josh on this tour, so the minute she sees him, she jumps up, runs over, and starts sucking him off. It takes a little while to get him going, because he's got to use his imagination if you know what I mean and I think you do, and it takes a little while to get her going, because she's got to take Sherri, who's still attached to her through the crucidildo, and Sherri is still sucking the Blue Men off.

My wife, Sherri, the Blue Men, their instruments, and Will all saunter over to Josh Groban, and by now, Josh is performing an exorcism of Avril Lavigne. Teens are the ones who are gonna want to see this show, that's why we got her, because the girl cannot sing a lick. Everytime she hits the wrong note, which is really hard to do in "The Touch," Groban smacks her upside the head and says "The Power of Christ Compells You!"

This blatant bit of plagarism and copyright violation pisses off the Warner Bros. executive in the audience, who immediately calls his attorneys and they all run up onstage. They're naked, of course, because this is theatre and it's all pre-planned. Hope I didn't spoil anything. Depending on who swings what way, the Warner Bros. exec and his attorney start fucking either my wife, Sherri, the Blue Men, or Josh Groban up the ass. They've all also been given these crucidildos that my wife and Sherri are using, so they have the option of sticking those in the mouth of whoever they choose to fuck at that point. Avril gets one stuck in her mouth just to shut her the fuck up, but she's been bashed in the head by one of the Blue Man Group's instruments by now, and is running around stage bleeding from her head. It's kind of a mess up there.

Will's off limits, though, because that's wrong.

Now, because of all this crudildo related fucking, there's no more music, but that's okay, because when the WB guy called his attorneys, he also called the original Exorcist, Max Von Sydow. And let me tell you, nobody gets my wife wetter than Max Von Sydow. I mean, did you see "Conan the Barbarian?" Guy's like a god...

...Max comes on stage -- and you wouldn't think it, but the guy is hung -- and he's brought with him Tanglewood Pops, conducted by John Williams, in full formal gear and with all their instruments. They launch into our climax with a soaring, orchestral rendition of "Tubular Bells." It's circular, you see.

My wife abandons sucking Josh Groban off, and by now, we're feeling sorry for Avril, so we let her take my wife's place on Groban's dick -- it's the same thing to the guy, anyway -- and on the Crucidildo with Sherri. We've warned parents in the audience that this may happen, so hopefully we won't get protesters lined up outside the theatre.

My wife is sucking off Sydow, and Sydow has pulled out a giant Crucidildo that looks like a lightsaber, except we can't call it that 'cause Lucas will sue. Sydow starts battling with Orlando Bloom, who has magically found his way on stage and his dick into the mouth of Josh Groban, and they have a "dildosaber" battle as Williams and his crew talk about fates dueling and all that shit that made the Star Wars movies popular. You know, corn on, corn on the cob. That one.

Finally, as Bloom and Sydow battle across the stage -- and don't forget, everybody's interconnected at this point, except for my wife and Sydow, who are doing their own thing -- Bloom rears back and takes Sydow's head off with his giant crucidildo. Blood goes everywhere, the head goes soaring out in the audience where it hits a predetermined audience member's wife right in the crotch. The head starts to eat the wife out -- not my wife, another wife -- like in Reanimator, and as she comes, everybody disconnects, runs to center stage, and jerks or jills off right into the bloody stump of Max Von Sydow.

As John Williams and the Tanglewood Pops hit the final epic note of their rendition of "Tubular Bells," everyone turns, says "THE WORD OF THE LORD IS THE ONE TRUE WORD. JOHN 3:16!" and takes a bow"

There's a long silence, and the agent says, "That is pretty much the most horrible act I have ever heard, and I produced 'Wild Wild West.' What on earth would you call that?"

The man smiles and says "The Aristocrats!"

Jon Peters thinks about this, takes another puff on his cigar, and says, "Come to think of it, I think we just bought an act like that off the internet."

That's the Lawerance of Arabia of Aristocrat jokes.

Did Lawrence of Arabia had a reference to Warrior Angel ?

No. Advantage RathBandu.

That's some impressive detail, Rath.

Well played sirs. Congratulations to everyone.