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...as reviewed by my co-worker, Jeremy

post #1 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:07pm
Thread Starter 
TALES FROM THE HOOD (1995)
Dir. Rusty Cundieff
Starring: Clarence Williams III, Joe Torry, De'aundre Bonds, & Samuel Monroe Jr.
Rated R for graphic brutal violence and strong language.


Yeah, I seen dat. Dat's pretty good.


DEJA VU(2006)
Dir. Tony Scott
Starring: Denzel Washington, Val Kilmer, Adam Goldberg, & James Caviezel
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and terror, disturbing images and some sensuality.


Yeah. That was a good movie.


PAN'S LABYRINTH (2006)
Dir. Guillermo del Toro
Starring: Ariadna Gil, Ivana Baquero, Sergi López, Maribel Verdú, & Álex Angulo
Rated R for graphic violence and some language.


Man, dat movie was horrible. I didn't know it was gonna be in all spanish and stuff.


DEEP COVER (1992)
Dir. Bill Duke
Starring: Larry Fishburne, Jeff Goldblum, Charles Martin Smith, Gregory Sierra, Victoria Dillard, & Roger Guenveur Smith
Rated R for harsh language, drug use, violence and sexual situations


Yeah, I seen dat. Dat was pretty good.
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post #2 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:09pm
Deep Cover is great.
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post #3 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:11pm
Thread Starter 
Hey, I agree, I may even like it more than King of New York (I'll have to see KoNY a couple more times) but Jeremy makes a compelling argument.
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post #4 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:11pm
And Pan's Labyrinth is indeed in spanish and stuff.
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post #5 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:13pm
DEEP COVER deserves at least a "Dat was straight up dope."
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post #6 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:37pm
Yo yo yo! Dat movie be tight 'n' stuff!
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post #7 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:47pm
Is this Jeremy a professional critic? Or does he just dabble in his free time?
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post #8 of 98
5/11/07 at 3:50pm
And talking about insightful movie reviews...

SUNSHINE, as reviewed by my producer Julia:

"It wasn't that great, hey. But it's a rad setting 'cause it's like... not earth."
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post #9 of 98
5/11/07 at 4:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant
And talking about insightful movie reviews...

SUNSHINE, as reviewed by my producer Julia:

"It wasn't that great, hey. But it's a rad setting 'cause it's like... not earth."
She sounds more than qualified to be a producer.
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post #10 of 98
5/11/07 at 6:20pm
Those reviews are even funnier if you misread the thread title and think he's talking about Jeremy Smith.
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post #11 of 98
5/11/07 at 6:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant
Is this Jeremy a professional critic? Or does he just dabble in his free time?
Cahiers du Cinema (ret.).
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post #12 of 98
5/11/07 at 8:08pm

...as reviewed by my mother's ex-boyfriend, Jim

THE MATRIX (1999)
Dir. Andy and Larry Wachowski
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss
Rated R for sci-fi violence and brief language.

Well... I don't know. I guess.
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post #13 of 98
5/14/07 at 2:40am
Thread Starter 

More reviews my co-worker Jeremy gave tonight

Night at the Museum (2006)
Dir. Shawn Levy
Starring: Ben Stiller, Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, and Robin Williams
Rated PG for mild action, language and brief rude humor.


I feel like this is like, uh, a new classic. That monkey was hilarious.


Little Children (2006)
Dir. Todd Field
Starring: Patrick Wilson, Kate Winslett, Jackie Earle Haley, and Jennifer Connelly
Rated R for strong sexuality and nudity, language and some disturbing content.


This movie was terrible, with that rapist dude goin' in the pool. I don't wanna see that!


The Fountain
Dir. Darren Aronofsky
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, and Ellen Burstyn
Rated PG-13 for some intense sequences of violent action, some sensuality and language.


This movie was stupid. How you gonna have a dude goin' in space in a bubble? That don't make no sense. It was stupid.


The Hitcher (2007)
Dir. Dave Meyers
Starring: Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton and Neal McDonough.
Rated R for strong bloody violence, terror and language.


Yeah, I seen dat. Dat was pretty good.
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post #14 of 98
5/14/07 at 2:51am

...as reviewed by my Grandmother

Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Dir. Edgar Wright
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost
Rated R for zombie violence/gore and language.

Dawn of the Dead? ("Shaun, Grandma") Yeah, that's the British movie, right? That was really funny.
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post #15 of 98
5/14/07 at 3:49am

...as reviewed by my Parents

Children of Men
"Any movie where Julianne Moore dies is not a good movie."
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post #16 of 98
5/15/07 at 1:40am
Thread Starter 
Children of Men (2007)
Dir. Alfonso Cuaron
Starring: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, and Michael Caine
Rated R for strong violence, language, some drug use and brief nudity.


Man, I seen dat, dat was horrible. They never even say why people ain't having babies no more. How you gonna have a movie without any babies and not explain it?
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post #17 of 98
5/20/07 at 2:15am

My mom ROCKS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Riviello
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Dir. Edgar Wright
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost
Rated R for zombie violence/gore and language.

Dawn of the Dead? ("Shaun, Grandma") Yeah, that's the British movie, right? That was really funny.
At least your Grandma has good taste!

The Fountain (2006)
Dir. Edgar Wright
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz
Rated PG-13 for some intense sequences of violent action, some sensuality and language.

Have you seen this?! ("Yeah, mom... why?" [prepares for hating to commence]) That... that was marvelous. That was the most thought-provoking way I've ever seen of someone dealing with death.

EDIT: By the way, Patrick, for someone with such, uh, immaculate taste as your co-worker, he sure does seem to see alot of great movies.
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post #18 of 98
5/20/07 at 5:31am
I'm a little more partial towards Aronofsky's version of The Fountain than Wright's. But maybe that's just me...
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post #19 of 98
5/20/07 at 10:44am
Quote:
Originally Posted by WayDen
I'm a little more partial towards Aronofsky's version of The Fountain than Wright's. But maybe that's just me...
Wright's was a slice of Metaphysical Fried Gold.
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post #20 of 98
5/20/07 at 5:17pm
Haha, sorry, I copied + pasted the format for that paragraph from Alex Riviello's post. Plus, the edit function for this site (inexplicably) stops being available after an hour or so.
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post #21 of 98
5/20/07 at 10:33pm
Oh, it's explicable, all right. Long story, but it involves Diva, some Arrested Development DVDs, and Thanksgiving afternoon.
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post #22 of 98
5/22/07 at 2:32am
I never thought Arrested Development could do so much harm.
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post #23 of 98
5/22/07 at 3:38am

...as reviewed by some nameless suit at work

(overheard in the bathroom stall)

Shrek The Third (2007)
Dir. Chris Miller, Raman Hui
Starring: Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz
PG for some crude humor, suggestive content and swashbuckling action.

"You see Shrek the Third? It was ok. Course, it wasn't as good as the first film, but that is probably one of the greatest movies, ever, so I didn't expect it. How do you follow up a classic like that?"

You guys should be envious of my willpower, as I momentarily envisioned myself kicking down the door and choking him.
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post #24 of 98
5/22/07 at 4:54am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Riviello
You guys should be envious of my willpower, as I momentarily envisioned myself kicking down the door and choking him.
I just saw that play out in my head, and laughed my ass off. I think it was the "kicking down the door" part that got me....
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post #25 of 98
5/22/07 at 5:24am
I'm stealing that for a future film.

Probably word for word about Shrek.

Sorry.

You'll get your royalty check in 2014.
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post #26 of 98
5/22/07 at 1:06pm
Boogie Nights as reviewed by a guy a work with-

Coworker: Hate that movie.

Me: Why?

Cowoker: Well, I mean we have to see this random, useless shot of Mark Wahlberg's flaccid penis. Same reason I hate Pulp Fiction, Bruce Willis showing his flaccid junk. I can't stand seeing random penises in movies.

Me: But you watch shitloads of porn.

Coworker:Yeah but that's different. I mean at least those have a purpose, they're not just hanging there

Me: So in other words you only like dicks when they're hard and ready to ejaculate.

Coworker is silent.

Me: You realize how very very gay that makes you, right?
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post #27 of 98
5/22/07 at 1:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Riviello
"You see Shrek the Third? It was ok. Course, it wasn't as good as the first film, but that is probably one of the greatest movies, ever, so I didn't expect it. How do you follow up a classic like that?"
This is classic suit-think.
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post #28 of 98
6/6/07 at 10:06pm
Sin City (2005)
Dir. Robert Rodriguez, Frank Miller
Starring: Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Clive Owen
R for sustained strong stylized violence, nudity and sexual content including dialogue.

"This is the best movie I've seen since Forrest Gump."

This was on college television. The duo reviewed THE WIZ next week. The duo were fired the week after.
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post #29 of 98
6/12/07 at 4:30pm
Poseidon (2006)
Dir. Wolfgang Peterson
Starring: Josh Lucas, Richard Dreyfuss, Freddy Rodriguez
Rated PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of disaster and peril.

By My Dog: Booker



I wasn't really that upset. I actually agreed with him on this one (his taste is usually very poor).
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post #30 of 98
6/14/07 at 1:10pm
Thread Starter 
Norbit (2007)
Dir: Brian Robbins
Starring: Eddie Murphy, Thandie Newton, Cuba Gooding Jr.
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual humor, some nudity and language.

If you gonna see this prepare to laugh, is all I can say, prepare to laugh. Prepare to laugh.
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post #31 of 98
6/15/07 at 9:54am
That's my favorite one yet.
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post #32 of 98
6/18/07 at 3:40pm
Thread Starter 

Pans Labyrinth: A Critical debate between Patrick Ripoll and a customer

PAN'S LABYRINTH (2006)
Dir. Guillermo del Toro
Starring: Ariadna Gil, Ivana Baquero, Sergi López, Maribel Verdú, & Álex Angulo
Rated R for graphic violence and some language.

Patrick: Now, you do know Pan's Labyrinth is subtitled?
Customer: What?
Patrick: It's in spanish, so it's all subtitled.
Customer: Why would they do that?
Patrick: It's a Spanish film, they filmed it in Spain.
Customer: Well, where's the American version?
Patrick: There is none, this is the only version.
Customer: Well you people need to remember that this is AMERICA and we speak ENGLISH here!
*Customer storms out.*
Customer (under her breath): Dumb motherfucker.
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post #33 of 98
6/18/07 at 4:31pm
I worked at a Blockbuster Video for two summers during college. The store's policy was that, if someone rented a film with subtitles, we had to inform the customer. This lead to one of three possible reactions:

1. "I know." (the least common)
2. "Why are you telling me this?" (read: Do you think I'm retarded/Are you retarded?)
3. "If I wanted to read, I'd go to the library." (usually accompanied by tossing the video/DVD at the clerk)

God, I hated that job.
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post #34 of 98
6/18/07 at 4:34pm
Thread Starter 
I finally had the guts to use a line I'd been sitting on since this whole Pan's Labyrinth thing started:

"If I wanted to read, I'd get a book."
"Sir...no you wouldn't."

Luckily he had a sense of humor and didn't get offended or anything. Just sorta gave a "Hey, I am what I am" shrug and asked if we had any Ghost Rider in.
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post #35 of 98
6/18/07 at 6:35pm
At my Blockbuster there's a sign under Pan's Labyrinth that says "Movie is in Spanish with subtitles, but it's really good so you should watch it anyway!"
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post #36 of 98
6/18/07 at 6:35pm
At my Blockbuster there's a sign under Pan's Labyrinth that says "Movie is in Spanish with subtitles, but it's really good so you should watch it anyway!"
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post #37 of 98
6/18/07 at 6:50pm
Is this really word for word? Did she really say:

"Customer: Why would they do that?"

I'm in love with that response.
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post #38 of 98
6/18/07 at 6:54pm
Thread Starter 
That is word for word. My favorite part was "you people", like I made the movie.
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post #39 of 98
6/18/07 at 7:05pm
Also awesome is that she thought you were holding out on her with the "American version".
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post #40 of 98
6/19/07 at 11:51am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll
"If I wanted to read, I'd get a book."
"Sir...no you wouldn't."
Beautiful.
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post #41 of 98
6/21/07 at 9:16am
Dis thread is funny. Funny!

Also, while I saw/loved Pan's in the theater, I've yet to revisit it on DVD. Is there no dubbed track on the thing for the reading-impaired?

ETA: I'm not that Jeremy, I swear.
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post #42 of 98
7/7/07 at 7:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gary Sherman
At my Blockbuster there's a sign under Pan's Labyrinth that says "Movie is in Spanish with subtitles, but it's really good so you should watch it anyway!"
I work at Blockbuster and you'd be amazed at how many retards want their money back. "You didn't say it was in Spanish!" Well, it was a film made by a Mexican filmmaker.

wtf dude.
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post #43 of 98
7/7/07 at 8:20am
So was Children of Men.
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post #44 of 98
7/20/07 at 12:53pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vader
So was Children of Men.
Ah, but you probably saw the British version.

I personally think the Swahili version pwned...
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post #45 of 98
8/2/07 at 2:37pm
I work at a Hollywood Video. This is an honest-to-God, faithful transcription of a conversation I had with some customers who were browsing through our previously viewed DVDs.

Customer: What's a good scary movie?

Me: Uhhh... I'll have to think about that... there haven't been very many good scary movies lately.

Customer: What?

Customer's friend: You must not get scared that easy. Do you get scared? Did you think "The Grudge" was scary?

Me: No.

Customer: Ohh. See, we don't need to talk to you then. That movie was scary.

Customer's friend: What about "The Grudge 2?" Did you think that was scary?

Me: I didn't see "The Grudge 2."

Customer: What about "The Wicker Man?" Is "The Wicker Man" scary?

Me: No.

Customer: Why?

Me: It's awful. I thought it was hilarious.

Customer: What?

Me: I ended up laughing at it the whole time, it was so bad.

*Customer looks at the cover of the DVD, and shows it to me*

Customer: Does this look like a comedy?

She ended up buying it and my brain imploded.
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post #46 of 98
8/2/07 at 2:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gary Sherman
At my Blockbuster there's a sign under Pan's Labyrinth that says "Movie is in Spanish with subtitles, but it's really good so you should watch it anyway!"
At my Blockbuster there's a sign under Hot Fuzz that says "Movie is in English accent (where Mr. Bean is from), so everyone talks in a faggy way like 'Helloooo, hellooo' but it's really good so you should watch it anyway!"
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post #47 of 98
8/2/07 at 2:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeroc7890
Customer: What about "The Wicker Man?" Is "The Wicker Man" scary?

Me: No.

Customer: Why?

Me: It's awful. I thought it was hilarious.

Customer: What?

Me: I ended up laughing at it the whole time, it was so bad.

*Customer looks at the cover of the DVD, and shows it to me*

Customer: Does this look like a comedy?

She ended up buying it and my brain imploded.

I bet it will turn out to be one of the most significant filmic experiences of her naive life. Expect a lecture, next time you see her, on the value of Nic Cage vs. the Mormon bees.
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post #48 of 98
8/2/07 at 3:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minsky
At my Blockbuster there's a sign under Hot Fuzz that says "Movie is in English accent (where Mr. Bean is from), so everyone talks in a faggy way like 'Helloooo, hellooo' but it's really good so you should watch it anyway!"
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post #49 of 98
8/2/07 at 3:10pm
I swap DVD's with this guy at work named Antwon and he's into a lot of anime and shit and just plain hilarious.

My conversations with her are extremely dumbed down but he's fun as hell to talk to. This was my conversation with him literally 5 minutes ago:

I finally saw Clerks II on DVD. God I was rollin' and crying

Antwon: When the donkey came out?

Me: Yes

Antwon: Yeah. That shit is funny. I just watched Pathfinder Last night.
Oh Man! *shakes head.

Me: Yeah I heard it was pretty bad. Is it better than 13th Warrior?

Antwon: Oh God No! 13Th Warrior is 10 x better than Pathfinder.

Me: You need to see Hot Fuzz.

Antwon: Oh I did. Watched it last night. Oh The scene with the thing that fell on that guy's head. Oh Man. And the end with the steeple and the head. Oh Man.

Me: Yeah that's a good one.

end scene.

It might not be Critic's Corner but at least there is one person here at work I can talk to about good and shitty movies.
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post #50 of 98
8/2/07 at 4:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by neaux

My conversations with her are extremely dumbed down but he's fun as hell to talk to. This was my conversation with him literally 5 minutes ago:
This person changes sex mid-conversation?
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