Review of: Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest (Two-Disc Collector's Edition)

In honor of AWE debuting soon, I thought I'd post this review sample. Apologies for the hyperbolic word-smithing, tangential references, and cheesy bloat.


Review of: Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest (Two-Disc Collector's Edition) (2006)
By: DARKMITE8



HERE BE MONSTERS… If a review of the legendary Dead Man’s Chest DVD is what you be searchin’ fer, then I be the salty dog to oblige ya. Now, pull up close and listen hard to this said sought-after, scrutinous, sea-fairin’ cinematic study.

From the DARKMITE8 perspective:

Nothing raises me misen-mast quite like the classic Harryhausen Sinbad flicks (or any of Ray’s resume for that matter). Prior to the leviathan that we know as the POTC phenomenon, it’d been quite some time since any film-maker has captured that distinct flavor of fantastical AND fun swashbuckling fare. Lucas & Jackson have created some incomparable awe-inspiring worlds themselves, but their stories exist mainly within their respective sci-fi and high fantasy backdrops.

Pirate movies hadn’t made any booty in quite some time (many tales would tell you that Cutthroat Island single-handedly keelhauled the production company, Carolco). Despite this stormy warning, Disney (inspired by one of their theme park rides, no less) commissions Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio, screen-writers of Disney’s expensive and luke-warm cross-genre animated failure: Treasure Planet (other tales would tell you that TP single-handedly sunk the 2D animation division at Disney). Then, the House of Mouse hires a director known for smaller character-driven films (Gore Verbinski), and throws a budget at it to rival a Bruckheimer production (…well, Miss Turner, yer in one…). Risky?

Luckily, T & T remembered (back to ’98) what works in an adventure re-vitalization from their swing on The Mask of Zorro (not so much on Legend) and included as many loveable pirate clichés/standards in their script as they could muster (much like this review). Some pretty protagonists, memorable performances by Depp & Rush, a lush production design, hearty score, a perfect mix of spookiness and humor, and a confident Gore on deck proved to be the correct ingredients for this bucket o’ chum. Additionally, the film-makers injected this yarn with an element that failed to keep the sci-fi Treasure Planet afloat = “Cross-Genre Pollination”. Adding to the kithen-sink-iness of the mix, the Fantasy/Supernatural spin on a seemingly dead-in-the-water genre (the Pirate movie) fit like an old hook (sorry, can’t stop with the nautical references) and it proved that wrapping this kind of movie in the ominous legends and ghost stories of yore was the correct wind to hitch their sail to.

This CGP-factor (Cross-Genre Pollination… paying attention?), despite all risks, brought in the audiences by the boat-full. Was the bountiful Box Office take from Pirates 1 curse-ed treasure? Was #2 going to fail against this brand-new expectation? Well, the critics were mixed with the results of Dead Man’s Chest, but the movie-goers couldn’t get enough (BO and DVD sales records attest) of Capt. Jack Sparrow and the fun world he sailed in… and neither could I.

Capt. Jack: “Look. An undead monkey! Top that.”

Me: Ye have, matey. Ye have…


We’re too busy singin’ to bring anybody down, down, down… to Davy Jones’ locker.

Is it a Monster-piece or POS?

The Movie: Firstly, The Curse of the Black Pearl (own it, ya land lubbers?) left some pretty big boots to fill. DMC manages to fill those boots and spill over the sides. It takes the first movie’s own formula of stuffing it to the gills (much like this review) and its record of breaking expectations of adapting a ride (where’s the precedent?) and manages to overflow with self-references, recurring characters, double-talk, and even more non-sequitur island-hopping and over-the-top stunts than Pearl. Sure, it beats a dead Hippocampus (bust out your Monster Manual) frequently with its joke-milking (writers refer to this as “call-backs”) and loves to wander off course quite a bit, but if there’s ever a group of high-seas hooligans I would hang my hat with for some unnecessary plot-capsizing diversions, it’s these guys. Even through the meandering, cam-mugging, and with (arguably) a cartoonish Jack Sparrow parody creeping in, this film delivers on its promises to entertain and to serve as a spectacle…

…And it even manages to mirror Empire Strikes Back (my SW favorite) a bit in its multiple-plot weaving, darker turns, and character arcs/relationships. Or is that Temple of Doom with the displaced blood-pump, carnival-ride action pieces, screaming heroine, MacGuffin juggling, and creepy-crawlers…? Insert your fanboy comparison/interpretation here… An un-related BTW: this is the 2nd bloated monstrous adventure with “Old Hollywood” un-PC natives I’ve had to lovingly apologize for recently. Coincidence?

Look, Monsters are my mother’s milk and DMC has got a treasure-trove worth of deep-dwelling-denizens (and to spare). Come and suckle with me: Firstly, what can I say about Davy Jones (and his crew) that hasn’t already been said elsewhere? It’s a jaw-dropping Cthulhu-combo of character design, performance-capture and CGI execution. ILM has entered a new creation into the ring for the most amazingly believable all-pixel creation title against the current Weta champs, Gollum and Kong. The crew of the Flying Dutchman is equally as inventive and masterfully realized. Like finally viewing the scope of Jabba’s palace in glorious widescreen for the first time (spent years only knowing Jedi taped off of cable= boo…), I catch new crew creatures in my periphery with every viewing of DMC.

But one you-can’t-miss monstrosity that I have to give special props to is: duh, The Kraken. Harkening back to such tentacled titanics like the Verne-ian squid in 20,000 Leagues and the Harryhausen horror, the Sex-topus (only 6 arms for more efficient animating) from It Came From Beneath the Sea, DMC’s beast-wranglers have brought to life such a massive and threatening creature here in Davy’s pet. A palpable dread, reminiscent of Jaws, seems to permeate the length of the movie (especially upon seeing what the beast is capable of early on) and carries through until the sorta reveal at this story’s end (which is preceded by a nice Jaws-y “Smile, you sonofa…” moment). A more conventional mollusky design than the behemoth in Clash of the Titans, this face-sucking, sailor-snatching, spittle-spewing Sarlac-cousin is big, hungry, AND has it in for our main characters (especially poor, paranoid Jack).

Instead of a skeleton crew (get it?), this installment blesses us with: even more sailing superstitions and lore turned reality (Davy Jones, the dreaded Black Spot, etc.); cannibals; a Turkish prison-break; sea monsters; voodoo; a spooky submergible ship armed with a kickass triple-canon (Flying Dutchman); a removed heart, eye-eating-by-crow, AND a disembodied talking crustacean-man’s head for the squeamish; a 3-way duel on a giant hamster-wheel; and more maps, keys, barnacles, chests, compasses, swords, and plot twists than you can shake a tentacle at. I have heard some mutinous whisperings on message boards and amongst e-mails from “friends” that DMC is a beached whale and pails in comparison to the 1st chapter, but ye best be prepared to walk the plank if I hear anything of the sort in present company. This movie is the definition of a “Fun Ride”.

After swabbing this film’s poop-deck for several paragraphs now, my feelings for this franchise should be quite apparent. Pirates were the rock-stars of their day, or at least in the universe presented in these films, and I’m a groupie. My bias stems from a fondness for buccaneers (guess what my Halloween costume was this year) and an appetite for aquatic abominations (I love the pulpy Deep Rising, sue me). Speaking of my passions, let’s see if the special features on the 2-Disc were enough to satisfy my film-fan curiosity…

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When asked which he’d rather have on his face, tentacles or balls, crusty ol’ Bill simply stated: “I’ll thank you to stay outta my affairs.”

The Bonus Materials: The previously drooled-over marine fiends get a coupla nice behind-the-scenes featurettes (Meet Davy Jones and Creating the Kraken). There’s also a blooper reel, some sword practice, a peek of the theme park ride’s recent re-imagining, and a detailed breakdown of Jack’s costume and gear. The decently measured Pre-Pro and Production diaries offer plenty of semi-obvious info and snippets of cast & crew interviews. Who would have thought that a miraculously successful film’s sequel would be rushed into production (even before a script was handed in)? Or that the beautiful, yet brutal, Caribbean would present such filming difficulties as tumultuous storms and sweltering heat? Color me sardonically shocked. However, I was enlightened on how tricky it is to line up a camera shot while on a boat and that DMC’s budget was threatening to shut things down at one point. The commentary, featuring only the writing team of Ted & Terry (Pearl had just about every deckhand present in it’s audio track), is adequate and fills us in where lines of their dialogue were regrettably cut and explains that the veering nature of the script was an “experimental mosaic in storytelling structure” (barely paraphrased). Planted clues are identified in this commentary and my interest in where the trilogy will wind up is definitely peaked all the more…

That feeling of hunger sums up my experience with this DVD. I wanted even more special features (especially after being spoiled with my Peter Jackson extended sets); and on cue with any good serial fiction, I eagerly stare off from my crow’s nest in anticipation of World’s End. The 2-disc won’t give ya scurvy for lack of special features, but you might want to seek out additional nutrition from exclusive retailer extras (Best Buy has/had an extra 3rd disc with a few more bones to pick through).

Let this be yer warning (the sea monster cartouche drawn on the edge of this here pirate map... er review) … I’m predicting that there’ll be a DVD double-dip in our future. Make no mistake about it.

Alas, I’m left with questions like:
Spoiler (highlight): Did Barbossa really die/visit the Underworld and can he be trusted to help get Jack and the Pearl back? Why didn’t the Kraken attack as swiftly in the 2nd & 3rd encounters as it did in the 1st? Did Ted and Terry watch Nate & Hayes before scripting Curse of the Black Pearl? Why IS the rum always gone? Will my geek-cred show too much if I say that Davy Jones looks very much like an Illithid (Monster Manual, folks)? Will Jack get a 3rd incredible introduction? Is the POTC world flat (AKA: is there really a “World’s End”*)? Does Chow Yun-Fat’s Asian presence in World’s End mean there will be Chinese pirates and possibly… Kung-Fu Fighting (“Big Trouble in Little Tortuga”)? How IS the 3rd film in the series going to top the last 2? Will we see Fiji mermaids, Beany & Cecil, Atlantians, or Kristy McNichol in part 3? Maybe I’ll find out in an “Extra Special Yo-Ho, Ho Edition” or when World’s End debuts in May 2007 (howbout a trailer, please?*).

Similar to a helm jutting from a Pirate’s crotch, the wait is “driving me nuts!”


Can’t the Rat smell it coming? The stench of Kraken’s breath does reek like a thousand rotting corpses, after all… Look out, Multi-media Mega-Mascot! He wants yer hat!



*Sample was written when the dvd released, prior to any AWE teaser.

Thanks! I just added some photos and captions in the true CHUD/Chewer spirit.