The Real Education of Patrick Ripoll

Show some restraint when that 3rd credit card company is waving free money in your face.

If you get into your dorm room and the first thing your roommate asks you is "Have you been saved?", you might want to consider asking for a different room assignment. If you decide to give the guy a chance, next thing you know you'll be woken up by the Trinity Broadcasting Network at 4am.

Keep your friends close, the label maker for your food closer.

Are you staying in a dorm?

Don't just give up when it gets hard to wake up for 11AM classes. I almost stopped in my 1st and 2nd years but just trudged through it and the second half of college was fun.

Where are you going?

Ha! Awesome. I had a few friends over there. Is that a big school? I think I know a guy there now. Sounds like you should have a decent amount of space in your dorm, four dudes in three rooms.

My first year was fucking miserable because I was in one of those cinder block cube rooms with my best friend - the room was facing a courtyard full of retards flashing each other - we lost our minds on weed and LSD and ecstasy and we drove each other nuts. Avoid situations like that!!

As a banker, I can give you the following information. Start ONE credit card for college, even if it's just a gas credit card. use it ONCE A MONTH to buy gas or something, and then PAY IT OFF every month. Occasionally, keep a balance in it and pay it off the next month. NEVER miss a payment or be late. This shows the credit bureaus that you know how to maintain a revolving line of credit and use it responsibly.

The credit bureaus look at installment and revolving credit in determining your credit score. They look at the length of time that you've had credit too, so having a card NOW, at 18 or 19, is essential to starting your history. Even if it's at a high rate with a small balance, who cares? You're going to PAY IT OFF every month. When you graduate in a few years, try and get that same card upgraded (rather than cancel it) for a better rate, since you've shown that you can use it responsibly. Upgrade it, because if you close it, you're starting your effective credit history all over again with a new card. Your credit history will simply show a 'closed credit card', which isn't as good at raising your credit score as a still open and perfect account.

If you have loans (car loans for example), move heaven and earth to pay those on time or within the grace period. This will effect your installment credit. The more of these that you have on your record, paid on time and paid OFF (especially early) really bump up your score.

I hope that helps.

Find out who your resident assistant or hall director or building deputy (or whatever terminology they use) is in your first week. They'll probably hold a meeting or something for your wing or whatever. When damage happens to your room (which it will. You're dudes, after all) report it immediately. Get it fixed right away. If you wait until the end of the semester you will most likely be charged.

And congratulations.

Ignore the RA and all of his meetings/get-togethers the entire year. Don't let just anyone borrow a movie because you'll probably never see it again. Girls will sleep with you, but that doesn't mean they want to fuck that night. Some just don't like sleeping alone. Fuck them another night. Wear sandals to the shower. Spraying shit with hot water only makes it smell worse. Find someone that is 21 and burn bridges with him/her when you reach that age. Get your fucking homework done. Experiment with pot but only if you can filter the smell/blow it out the window effectively. Putting beer cans in the toilet and flushing them is a dick move. Break school property; you're paying for it already.

And don't fucking go home every weekend.

Don't get caught fucking bananas.

Know your dealer.

(and freerobotsex is right; no matter how hot the girl is, DON'T loan her your DVDs)

Freerobotsex is wise. Invest in plastic cups for drinking in the dorms. Find the closest 7-11(or other convenience store) and perfect the quickest way to it, as your cafeteria only has certain hours, and you will get munchies at the exact opposite hours. Try to set up your classes to get a good sized break in the afternoon, and use that time to do homework and study, which frees up your nights for going out, or a part time job. Speaking of part time job, if your classes aren't kicking your ass too bad, get one. Waiting tables is perfect, because you walk home with cash.
Go out and have fun. Again ,as long your classes are fine, you'll regret not doing stupid shit in college.
As far as roommates go, ask what pisses everyone off early and try to avoid it. Most guys will be reasonable. For instance: smoking. If everyones a smoker, whatever, if some aren't, make sure they wont be pissed if you do, or whatever. Sounds like you have your own bedroom though, so that's nice.
Oh, and lastly, as cliche as it might sound, Ramen Noodles are your best friend.

I'm graduating next month, but I honestly can't think of anything out there anymore that isn't common sense. But here's a few:

Take early classes. I was so excited by the prospect that I could schedule classes that all started after 11 AM, but it gets really depressing when your whole afternoon is shot, and sometimes it makes it harder to remember to go to class. Schedule yourself so that you're up at 8 and done by noon. It will suck for a while, but once you're used to it, life is fucking fantastic when you're done with your responsibilites for the day by lunchtime. It honestly feels good to be up and about that early once your sleep has worn off.

Start asking around for where the good RA's are located. I was an RA for three years, and after a year of doing it, I had folks requesting to be on my hall because, well, I'm in it for the free room. I gives a damn what the residents do. Life in the dorms is much, much better once you've figured out where the good RA's are.

Half.com. It absolutely blows my mind that people still buy books at the bookstore when half.com exists. Find out what books you need about a week or two before class starts (the bookstores will let you know), and then buy them at Half for about a billionth of what they would have cost you. Then sell them back to the bookstore at the end of the year for what you paid for them, instead of for about 3 cents on the dollar like everyone else is getting.

Different strokes for different folks. I used to load up on classes two or three days a week, and then schedule days off for myself. I don't think I had a five-day week after my freshman year.

I don't have any other advice that other people haven't already said, but I will say this: Enjoy the fuck out of these next few years. This isn't a "this is the best time of your life" speech, it's a "this will be a great fucking time, period" speech. Live it up, man.

Make friends with the cafeteria workers. Most of them have been outsourced to outside companies and aren't the friendly types that have been working on campus for years.

Some of them just got out of prison and have really cool stories/scars.

Never take a class on Fridays - you'll end up dropping it. Some of the best drinking/partying nights are Thursdays (for whatever reason), and while you probably won't experience (serious) hangovers until you're around 23 or 24, going to sleep around 5am isn't all that helpful when you have an early class the next day.

I won't say it's the "best time of your life", but it is the last time of your life where you get away with some seriously irresponsible actions without serious consequences. Live it up!

Here's my last piece of advice*: Don't get attached to anyone too quickly. If you meet someone in your third year or something then yeah, go for it. But unless you really, honestly, truly feel like she's "the one", don't start a serious relationship in your first or second year. You just miss out on too much stuff like spring break, ski trips, and most importantly, casual drunken sex when you're attached to someone else during those years. You'll have the rest of your life to deal with serious relationships and taking significant others into consideration - why not be selfish for a couple of years?

*Before I get a bunch of grief from anyone, I would give the same advice to a female going off to college. It's just much more fun and adventurous when you're single...

This is actually a great idea, too, that I totally forgot about. I did this a few semesters. As far as I know, almost all colleges have either MWF classes or T/TH classes. If you schedule yourself so that all of your classes are Tuesday and Thursday, life will be pretty bitchin'. Your Tuesdays and Thursdays will be a bitch, but then you have four-day weekends every weekend. Wednesday can be your homework day.

Also, for God's sake, don't forget about hour requirements. I finished both of my degrees a full semester early, thinking I was done with college. Not so. I was almost 30 hours short, and I had to fill my last semester to the brim with bullshit like Soccer and (as much fun as it really was) that zombie class. I ended up graduating (or will in a month) three months late. Many schools require 120 hours to graduate. I think that's 15 hours per semester. Don't slack off without making up for it the following semester.

Your tuition is over $16k a year. I'm hoping your parents are assisting you with this (mine didn't). If they aren't and you have a scholarship (like me), don't fuck it up and drink away the minimum required g.p.a. your first year (like me). Graduating with $50k in loans sucks balls.

And I also definitely support WayDen's suggestion to avoid getting attached too quickly (another one of my many mistakes). Especially if you are living on campus, you will never find such a ready supply of unattached women/men ever again.

Make peace with the fact that you have to buy your own scantrons. Can you believe that shit? YOU HAVE TO BUY YOUR OWN SCANTRONS!

Another bit of advice: Every school has guaranteed EASY A classes, usually for the general stuff. Don't take them all at one time or you'll just have one easy semester. Space them out to balance out the killer classes.

We were provided with scantrons. We had to buy everything else, though.

Man, where did you go? Heaven University?

Okay, you're gonna be living in a 4 bedroom dorm room with three roommates. The law of averages means that at least one of them is going to be a tremendous dick.

I had the same set-up, and our tremendous dick was a slacker named Dave. The only initiative he ever showed was on the day Kurt Cobain's death was announced...he got drunk/stoned and wrote "poetry" all over the walls of our living room.

Alright, here's a tip. When smoking ismz, stuff an empty toilet paper or paper towel tube full with dryer fabric softener sheets and exhale through that tube. It will kill all the second hand smoke. And put a towel under your door and stuff. And don't make friends with shady dudes who tell you they can get thirty hits of e for three hundred dollars, but only if you front all the cash. Yeah, don't do that.

I'm going to be the dissenter to the 'take all early classes' argument. I tried that for a semester, and I was tired all day. Ended up taking afternoon naps that negated the value of early classes (which are, ostensibly, to preserve your afternoons). Take late classes. It might be the only time in your life you'll be able to wake up past 11 every day of the week. Stay out late with your friends. Fuck the afternoons.

Some of my best college memories were of pranking the hell out of our friend who went to bed early because he took morning classes. Once, we used an entire roll of duct tape to seal him in his room while he slept.

Oh yeah, that brings me to my second thing: College is a great time to prank the living shit out of everyone you know. I guess it's cliche, but man, I do miss the joy of a well executed prank (I'm 5 years out of grad school).

I'll agree with the late classes. Those extra hours of writing or studying the day of a due date for an assignment of exam are worth their weight in gold.

I agree with that morning class thing. My first semester I had an 8:30Am calculus TA session every week for which I probably only slept the night before a couple times. 'Twas painful.

Oh yeah- my film classes at UF all had their screenings at night, so there's another argument for late classes. You might be elbowed into taking them anyway if you're studying film.

Early classes? Don't you people drink during the week?

I seriously want to know what broke-ass school makes you buy scantrons yourself.

Dear Patrick: Everyone hates my idea about early classes. This may be a sign that you shouldn't listen to that piece of advice.

Still, it never stopped me from partying. I usually sleep about zero hours a night, though.

I doubt I went to the only school that made you buy scantrons and blue books. What a racket if it was. Serves me right for going to a state college.

Forget the late class/early class debate. Take Banks' advice and schedule yourself so you only have classes 2-3 days a week. Usually M-W-F is the easiest way to do this, but don't be too afraid of a Tuesday-Thursday routine. Yes, you're fucked on Tuesday and Thursday but you get a 4 day weekend every week. That's pie and ice cream right there.

Shower shoes. Are. A. Must.

Only have one of the basic utensils/dishes (forces you to clean them) and guard them with your life. Get a big round bowl or giant mug, you can eat most foods out of it (cereal, ramen, etc) and spillage will be kept at a minimum.

Yeah. Don't lend your movies out, unless you charge a rental fee. People will borrow your shit without asking, so keep stuff stashed.

Huge, new, fluffy bath towel (or 2) and maybe even a robe. It's amazing how good (and more at home) you feel when you're not trekking down a busy dorm hallway dripping wet with a tiny washcloth barely around your waste.

Baby's all grows up!

That's two, so that settles it. Do it this way. Then you're ballin'.

I think I may have described this before, but I'll go over it again here.

The Ramen Bomb:
10-20 pkgs Shrimp Ramen
Big Ass Bowl
Water for Big Ass Bowl
Lots of Towels

Note - This prank will only work if your victim has a microwave within their dorm room.

Step 1 - Wait for victim to leave for classes/date/church/any activity that will take a couple of hours.

Step 2 - Enter victim's dorm dressed as a ninja.*

Step 3 - Remove "seasoning packets" from all Ramen packages. Dispense noodles about dorm if desired.

Step 4 - Fill Big Ass Bowl with water and empty all "seasoning packets" into water.

Step 5 - Place watery-season-packet-bowl into victim's microwave.

Step 6 - Set timer for 99:99 on HIGH.

Step 7 - Exit the dorm, securing towels to all aspects of room that may "leak" (ie...under doors, windows...etc).

Step 8 - Cackle maniacally.**

Voila, you have successfully executed the Ramen Bomb. Your victim's dorm and every single thing inside it will reek of shrimp ramen for days, if not weeks.

*Ninja attire not included.
**Maniacal cackling instructions sold separately.

Drunk chicks.

Another thing you'll need to know, if you don't already, is how to make Hunch Punch (aka Jungle Juice). This drink will literally take years off the life of your liver, all while tasting like Kool-Aid that could run an internal combustion engine (probably).

Of course this depends on how many people are going to be drinking, but here's what I usually did.

- 1 big ass cooler
- 3 gallons of the cheapest fruit punch you can find
- 1 gallon of the cheapest lemonade you can find
- 1 gallon of the cheapest "orange drink" you can find
- 2 pounds (total) of apples, oranges, and basically any type of fruit will remain solid while soaking in liquid.
- 4 to 5 bottles of Everclear, or if you really hate your liver, get store brand grain alcohol (higher proof is what you want - here in Florida I've seen it as high as 190 proof, but it's usually around 150+ - which is still flammable!)

Slice up the fruit into hand held pieces (about 16 slices from one apple). Mix the punch, lemonade, and "orange drink" together. Throw in the fruit and let it sit for about an hour or two. Then mix in the Everclear, and let it sit for about 2 to 3 hours.

The fruit soaks up the juice & Everclear, and you can either take the fruit out of the cooler, or leave it in. Just make sure that everyone gets at least one piece with each drink. Because while the drink will get the job done, the fruit is is the nail in the coffin. While the drink is mostly for the girls who don't drink keg beer, it still good, and the fruit tastes like a really strong shot once you bite into it...

First time I had this stuff, I fell out of a moving vehicle. Good times!

We call it "trash can punch"...and I use Hawaiian Punch and Boone's Farm.

Of course, everybody has their own recipe.

It's sleazy, but girls are their easiest as freshmen. They just go wild.

On my campus fraternity parties are usually better than house parties (but you have to know someone in the fraternity). The reason for this is that the guys are limited by a guest list, there are plenty of girls because they drink free, and they can afford to hire DJs.

I have to agree with afternoon classes, waking up fucked up from the night before and trying to pay attention in class is hell. Also, I'm doing the two days a week thing this quarter and it is amazing, 4 day weekends every week is unbeatable, especially with a break in the middle to spend on homework as was previously mentioned.

I also agree with not getting serious with girls early on, ESPECIALLY with girls who live on your floor in the dorm. It just isn't a pleasant situation to be in if things turn sour.

Some classes may require books that you don't even need, especially in the upper level courses. If there are no homeworks assigned directly out of the book, I usually put off buying the book as long as possible. Some professors put their lecture slides online and that's all you really need, but some professors are shit and you'll need the book to make sense of the homework.

Higher quality booze reduces potential hangovers, I'm looking at you Monarch and 3 star.

Engineering departments (maybe others, I have no idea) have a lot of recruiting events with free pizza, find them and mooch like your life depended on it.

That is all that has popped into my head at 3AM the night(morning) before my last final in undergrad. Enjoy college, make good friends and it will be fantastic.

Molti, don't feel too bad, we had to buy our blue books in high school.

I'll join in on recommending the Tu-Th class schedule. I did that my senior year and boy let me tell you, each weekend was like a vacation.

If you can afford it (or if what sounds like the suite you're in doesn't have one), get a refrigerator. Having a 7-11 nearby is nice. Having the stuff right there in your room is better.

That said, never leave anything in the fridge you don't mind disappearing.

When you do laundry, bring a book or some homework and park your ass there. You're not doing laundry, you're on guard duty. I had jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, you name it taken from the dryer. Hell, I saw people have their still-wet clothes tossed onto the floor because someone else wanted to use the machine.

If you're underage and you're going to drink, make sure you're doing it in a place you're going to stay at all evening, or at least somewhere where it's not a trek across the Yukon to get back to your room. Most colleges aren't so naive that they think none of their underage students drink, so as long as you stay confined to a room and don't cause a riot, you'll be fine -- campus security usually doesn't have the time or manpower to do room-to-room searches for freshman sneaking cans of Busch. If they find you staggering drunkely across the quad, however, all bets are off.

Chances are there will be at least one Grateful Dead cover band on campus. Do with that information what you will.

Most of all, have a good time. I've always said college for me was more about the experience of leaving the nest and living with other people than the book learning. Not to say you should blow off class, but keep your eyes and ears and mind open, and you'll learn all kinds of things you wouldn't learn from a text book.

In 2007. Totally.

Seconding Tim N. with taking earl classes - nothing beats kicking back by noon with the rest of the day open to you. Use that time to explore the surrounding stores, clubs, bars, attractions, brothels, off campus.

If you can swing it (and depending on your major), try to get all your required courses for you major done early in your college career - that way, by your senior year, all the stress and heat will be off you, and you can fill up your schedule with courses that peak your interest and aren't necessary to your degree. I was able to take Philosophy, Pseudoscience, extra Gym courses like Archery and Martial Arts, etc. when I was a Senior, and was rockin' a 5 day-weekend for half the year.

Timothy225 makes a good point -- my senior year, I had basically one class to take for my major (it was a senior seminar, so I had to take it senior year) and everything else was just fun, interesting, non-stressful classes.

And beware used CD stored near the campus. They will have you debating whether to eat that day or buy that used copy of that rare imported Elvis Costello CD.

I guess the question you should really be asking yourself is this - What do you want to do in college? Are you there for the social experience or to learn? I am seriously not being snarky here, because I think college is great for both of these things and both can teach you a lot about the world. But I think this is one of those situations where one can't have all of his cake and eat it, too. You do have to recognize that, on some level, you will have to choose between these things at times. People who wrote above about scheduling classes for partying/long weekends (something I did in the last semester of my senior year only) probably missed out on some good classes. But that's cool. It's a useful choice to make. They probably knew how to behave when interacting with people their own age by the time they got out.

I, on the other hand, I went to one of the biggest party schools in the country and I didn't get drunk for the first time until I was 21 1/2. Much to my intense regret, I had the same, boring, Ayn Rand reading, jackass boyfriend the entire four years (I didn't meet DaveB until three months after I graduated). I didn't go out on Thursday nights, and took classes every day of the week, whenever they were offered. Monday night? Sure! A two-hour honors seminar first thing in the morning? Hell, yeah! I graduated with 20 more credits than I needed, Phi Beta Kappa, with honors, near the top of my class.

When I got out, I was a total fucking social retard. It was worth it, though. I would do it the exact same way, all over again, with perhaps the exception of the jackass boyfriend (I'm going to concur with everyone who tells you to approach serious relationships with caution, but don't make that your lame speech to girls/boys who express interest). I spent 22 and 23 learning how to act like a normal human being and learning how to drink. I'm still not very good at the drinking bit, though I am capable of bar conversation now.

What kind of lame, broke-ass school makes someone buy their own scantrons? That's just sad.

If you're going to stay in the dorms, get your own room as fast as you can. I had one for my last three years and cannot tell you how nice that was. Dorms are breeding grounds for communicable disease and psychosis. Having a lock to which only you have the key is vital.

Yes, yes. Fear the used CD store. I have a very vivid memory of walking down the street, brand "new" copy of Out of Time (oh, yeah - listen to REM in college, my friend) in hand, thinking, "I have 250 dollars in my bank account. This cost me 8. There are 10 more weeks in the semester. So I can buy one of these every week..." Bloodsucking bastards.

And how. My second semester I had an 8:30 calc class across campus. Plus, it was my only class on Friday. And it was winter. In Michigan. Can you guess how many times I went to that class?

And how. I was a film music nerd way back then too (I've been a film music nerd longer than I've been a film nerd), and let me tell you, the used CD stores on campus (one in particular) were a fucking goldmine. On Fridays I'd get up and comb all of them in an afternoon. I even got with a guy in Los Angeles and set up auctions for him and made good money selling rare, out of print soundtracks I found around town. Good times.

And how. It took me a while to get over the post-college depression (What? I have to work? WHY????), and this thread is bringing all the good memories back.

When the hell were you doing that?

CDs? REM? That is all soooo twentieth century!