The Real Education of Patrick Ripoll - Page 2

I had an 8:30 English composition class that I barely remember attending, let alone anything I was supposed to have learned from it. I still have dreams where I'm in college and halfway through the semester realize I've never been to this class.

There is one benefit to early classes in college -- no one really gives a damn what you look like. I saw plenty of people roll in in sweatpants or pajama bottoms, t-shirts, and hats. I'd wake up, slap on some deodorant, gargle real quick, slip on some shoes and go.

My freshman year I had no choice in which classes I could take. All freshman had to take these 300 person lecture hall classes at 8:30 a.m. I often would wake up 15 minutes before the class ended, and as the mass of people were leaving the hall, I'd stroll in --pajamas, slippers, and all -- throw my homework onto the homework pile, and go back to bed.

And those who are saying take your major classes early? What!? Who knows what their major is that early? I changed my major 3 times before my Jr year. Definitely take random required courses early, but save the major classes until a) you really know what you want to major in, and b) you've got all the partying out of your system and will take those courses seriously.

Patrick, some of the advice in here is good. Some not so much. All I can say is college is a time for you to figure out who you are. Carve a niche for yourself, meet cool people, and most of all, just enjoy it.

Good luck Ripoll; college is a total blast. My main recommendation would be to major in what you enjoy studying, not something you think will help you find a job. It sounds like you're already on that path, though, so kudos. Core classes can be a boring pain in the ass, but major classes, for me at least, didn't even really seem like work.

And, yeah, listen to some REM. Of course, I went to school in Athens, GA (birthplace of the band), so I may be biased. But it's still good advice.

College Tips I learned back in the dark ages (mid 1980's):

1) In the immortal words of Steve Guttenberg: "Sleep is for fags". Take those god awful early morning classes so your day ends by 1:00. Then your all set to nab a 2 hour power nap right at traditional siesta time, squeeze in a little actual homework there after, and still have plenty of time to head out to the bars to close them.

2) Unless you plan on later entering a prestigious Medical or Law school. never take an Honors class. The difference between regular and Honors Mythology is memorizing who Medusa was vs. analyzing how myths evolved via the interpretations of William Burroughs "The Golden Bough" (receiving zero credit for noting its displayed prominently in and a partial basis for "Apocalypse Now")

3) There are certain professors who hate tests. Pump any seniors you meet for the names of anyone who was willing to let them skip the final if you liked your current grade.

4) Psychology electives are way easier than you would think they are. Astronomy electives are way harder.

5) Rule for all papers with some leeway on subject matter: Write about something your professor knows next to nothing about, and that there is no general consensus of opinion regarding it. (Example- "Wiccans: Is dressing Goth required?")

6) Make friends with a geek working in the IT labs. You cover yourself if your computer crashes the night before a paper is due, and in today's tech heavy world, will ensure all of your bit-torrenting needs are fulfilled sans RIAA repercussions.

7) Never let anyone film you while you are drinking. Double that warning with regards to sex, unless it's Halloween and you're wearing a mask.

8) As fun as it sounds, do not drink 21 shots of alcohol on your 21st birthday. Kick the first person that suggests it in the balls as hard as possible.

9) Money is tight. Remember that Beer is actually a food group.

10) Hot Sorority chicks are completely bored by frat boys by their Junior year. Use that information appropriately.

It was in Niagara Falls. You didn't know it.

It was freshman and most of sophomore years. It sort of petered out after that.

party hard and party often. and go to class, if you can find the time. it's a good place to catch some zzzzzzzzzzz's.

Sound, sound advice.

Speaking of Halloween: despite my teetotaling ways, I think getting your drinkin' legs in college is a good way to go, but hear this - do not get wasted on Halloween. I'm serious. Every year at my school there was some poor, stupid fuck who got a little bit drunker than the other stupid fucks and something horrible would happen to him (always, always a him). When I was a sophomore, some kid dressed like the Karate Kid got dropped down the trash chute in a dorm. He ended up with a massive concussion after spending the night sleeping in the trash heap. So drink on Halloween, but keep your head about you. Same goes for St. Patrick's Day, New Year's, and any other holiday where people are going for broke.

Excellent advice. Don't convince yourself you have to be too practical, either (unless, of course, you find out that you actually have a passion for accounting or business or something - then go nuts).

I went practical in my last couple years of school, augmenting my English major with a Journalism minor, thinking "hey, I can write, but this English degree isn't going to get me a job. I might as well look into that far more profitable field of Journalism!" Turns out journalism typically doesn't pay shit, the layout skills and writing tips I picked up in four semesters' worth of classes probably could have been gleaned from a single class or working on the school newspaper (which looks good on a resume and, if you're in Arts and Entertainment, you get free shit), and, when it comes to finding a job in almost any profession, people will hire you if you're smart, not if you know the ins and outs of PageMaker, Quark Xpress, and Photoshop circa 1995. I spent a few months in journalism and will probably never go back - I should have just taken more classes on Romantic poetry and Milton.

Hahaha. I don't think there has ever been a college student, EVER, who has not been involved in at least one epic "YOU'RE EATING MY FOOD!!!!" shouting match.

(For the record, I was the eater in my argument. Years later, I'm still not sorry.)

It's just too bad that, thanks to modern technology, you're going to miss out on the joy of the old "Album Cover Filled with Baby Powder" gag.

Tip: Make sure you lock your door when you're sleeping. A buddy of mine once woke up to a drunk guy mistaking his room for the bathroom, and his bed for a urinal.

Here's to hoping that the roomies are cool people and one doesn't have to go thru the pain of having to generate a cleaning schedule because otherwise shit would just get gross.

Patrick, you said you'll have three roommates -- is this four guys in one big room or a suite sort of thing where there's four bedrooms and a shared common area?

I remember during my freshman year in '97 that EVERY GUY had either a Scarface, Godfather, or Goodfellas poster in their dorm room. If you insist on decorating your room with movie posters, at least try to stand out and find a Singapore Sling or Dead Ringers or something both interesting and less cliche. If you're an American male between the age of 18 and 30, we already know that you probably like Scarface, Goodfellas, and the Godfather. (This year, my guess is that you'll see this trend with The Departed)

Also, never enter into a food sharing pact with anyone. "Let's go food shopping and split the bill down the middle" is a recipe for chaos, hatred, and revenge.

Wouldn't the standard now a days also include Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Pulp Fiction and Resevoir Dogs?

I'd also suggest a Repo Man poster for your wall. Can't go wrong.

Aviod that same philosophy when dining out. Inevitably you'll end up sharing the cost of your hamburger and their three filet mignons.

Maybe those, and The Big Lebowski. Or maybe we're all wrong, and this season it's Napoleon Dynamite, and so may god save them all.

Never be the collector of the group, if someone wants to spring for cable tv or some other extra. Chip in, but don't be the one who has to harrass others for cash.

How old are you? You seem to have started the thread at somewhere around 35-38. Now, I've get you pegged at 55. Stay away from the thread, man. It's the wrong Grail and you're aging rapidly before me.

I don't know, isn't Dynamite pretty much oh so 2005 or 2004 or whatever the year it came out? I mean it would seem really out dated by now.

However, an Anchorman poster would be classy.

That's really true. I was the collector for all four years and it sucked.

Especially, if you make the mistake of asking one of the others to take the equipment back to the Cable company and they forget.

I've been called by an Insight cable collection bureau roughly three out of the four years in college.

I'm 38. I was in college back in 1986 through 1990, before CDs had completely obliterated vinyl. A lot of indie bands still put out albums (and if there's one thing you'll find on a college campus, it's fans of indie bands), and there were also plenty of 12" singles around.

my roommate and i skipped this one by filling our mini fridge only with cartons of cigs, beer and condiments.

Truly the breakfast of Champions.

Oh and in regards to textbooks. People have suggested Half.com and it can be a good source. But if you want to bypass the ebay-bullshit of trying to hash when and where you send payment.

I'd recommend the used book section over at Amazon. Just get the ISBN numbers of the textbooks you need and then run them thru over at Amazon. Plus you can sell the books on the same site if it turns out they're worth a couple of bucks.

The only thing you need to keep in mind is to do this a few weeks in advance because they are typically shipped media mail.

I skipped out on that by having a massive fucking lock keeping my shit closed to the rest of the fucking dorm horde.

That and I had the only pair of bolt cutters on the floor. Why did I have bolt cutters? Actually, that's a good question. Why in the hell did I have bolt cutters?

I tended to ignore the indie bands. We had a local drunk named Henry Earl who was the entertainment. Henry made it all the way to the Jimmy Kimmel show. If I still have it on my MySpace, I'll send you the link to this profile.

Yes, lock your door, because this does happen. I have done this. It sucks. I didn't pee on the bed, but I gained consciousness while arguing with my roommate that it was my bed and he had to get out, but it was really his...he never really spoke to me again.

This is extraordinarily good advice.

When in doubt over whether to eat your roommate's food, follow this simple formula:

1/f (ah) + r

Where f is the amount (grams) of food you currently have in the fridge, a is how much of an asshole your target roommate is, h is how hungry you are (in Kelvin), and r is the number of other roommates you can blame food theft on. This formula blows up if you have zero grams of food, so always assume a minimum of 1 gram. If you get a result > 5, always go for it.

I can't agree that you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's all about time management. My major is one of most demanding on campus and so you may have to sacrifice the occasional party night for a major project, but for the most part if you can get your homework done during the day, your nights are open to self-medication.

Also, if you get a chance to study abroad, do it. My best year of college was my year abroad in Sweden. What's better is that I got my tuition waived and my Swedish school also gave me a scholarship for being American (we're in short supply over there, which is a good thing in my opinion). A program like that where they actually pay you to study abroad is a rarity, but either way the experience is hard to match. When else in your life can you fuck off to another country for a year because you want to? I got to visit a ton of different cities/countries and had exchange student friends from practically every country that I could stay with when travelling.

Truly. But unfortunately my wife's shitty college roomate (she's known as "Dirty Gail" only) got up drunk in the middle of the night, pulled up her night shirt, and squatted in my wife's mini-fridge. She was also constantly asking my then-fiance if she would mind crashing in someone else's room so she could have sex with her boyfriend that visited every other weekend.

And whatever you do, don't be passive-aggressive, too prideful to say anything, or too territorial. If your roommate sucks:
1. kick the identified asshole out if there's a group consensus
2. or if your in a double, switch with someone else ASAP and move in with someone you get along with

You'll only have a better experience. My wife was miserable her 1st year because of the bitchy, inconsiderate (and filthy) slore she roomed with, merely because she was too stubborn ("I spent a lot of time and effort decorating this room!"). I still tease her every time she tells a horror story.

Those cylindrical towers that blank CDs come in- flip that plastic lid upside down and you've got yourself a handy bowl to eat your EZ-Mac with.

Don't spray a girl in the eyes with Ax. Even when you think she's actually someone else knocking on your door.

Don't do the type of shit that will set off the fire sprinklers. You and everyone on your floor will lose all their electronic property, and you'll be popular then.

If you have the dirtiest dorm room in campus, savor it while it lasts. You and your roommates will have truly accomplished something.

A lot of RAs don't give a fuck, but a lot of them (who you may even become friends with) can be the secret police. I've had guys I thought were buddies search my room, or send RAs from other floors to confiscate stuff so they wouldn't feel guilty doing it or worry about becoming unpopular on their turf.

I brought back an old computer monitor after the Red Sox Riots of '04 that me and my roommate hollowed out, replaced the glass screen with wire mesh, put in a water bottle and wood shavings, and got two mice to live in it. We also got them a ball to roll around the room. And if the RAs had to talk to us from the door all the way to the back of the room it looked like a regular monitor. Top that shite!

Thanks, Rich!

Patrick, usually (at least in my case), when you first arrive at college, or sometime soon after, when you declare a major you'll receive a syllabus that tells you what is required to get that magic Degree. Use that as your map for the next 4 years. If you're an early bird like me, go for the morning classes ASAP. Otherwise, take your classes in the afternoon, party your ass off at night (AFTER you do your homework, young man!), and use the morning to lose that hangover from the 2 six-packs you shotgunned on a dare, buy breakfast for that girl you met last night at the kegger over at the TKE mixer, or find something wearable to class from the pile of laundry that hisses at you as you walk by.

With respect to Diva (Hi, Deev!), in my case I wanted to get the classes I wasn't interested in (mathematics, Sociology, etc.) out of the way FIRST so I could devote the remaining time to the classes I was completely into (I was an Honors Art Major, with a minor in History, Western Civilization and English Literature). Doing that made college much more enjoyable to me (minus the Advertising Art course I had to take at night - that sucked).

And absolutely start budegting your funds. If you can get a part-time job once in college DO IT. In fact, if you haven't already, start saving money ASAP wherever and however you can. If you have stuff to sell, go on eBay.

Tip #2: Careful with candles. For some reason (*cough* getting pussy *cough*) guys seem to get into the candle thing in college, so make sure you keep an eye out for lit candles, candles left too close to paper, etc. When I was living off-campus I was watching a movie in my room when the fire alarm went off in the house. Turns out one of my roommates had left a candle burning and his entire desk was on fire. After I stopped laughing from realizing that his desk was on fire, I put it out. I was the only one home, so we got lucky there.


Tip #3: If you have parties in your room, or if the whole floor is having a party and people are coming in and out, either lock your bedroom door or hide your stuff. No doubt it's tougher to do in dorms, but in my experience thefts happen way more often during parties than they do when you, say, leave your stuff in the library to take a leak or a phone call. One year we had a party and some goons started a fight downstairs. We realized later that they started the fight so one of the other goons could steal my roommate's laptop, the one that had a final semester project saved on it (incidentally, this was the same roommate whose candle started the fire - he also got mad at us for waking him up from naps at 4 in the afternoon because he required complete silence to sleep).

This is great advice. My parents were big on me not having a job during the school year, and I drank that Kool-Aid with a funnel because it meant I didn't have to work. It also meant I overdrew several times (those damn CDs!) and occasionally brought a full cart to checkout at the grocery store and didn't have the money to pay. Just retarded on my part. I would absolutely recommend any job your time allows.

This roommate also would regularly turn on a gas stove, while not lighting the pilot, then get distracted, forgetting he turned the gas on and then leave the house for class. He almost incinerated me multiple times. Ah college.

Yeah but in fairness you were much more flammable back then.

Thanks, Jon!

Start saving them bucks, Patrick, otherwise you might miss out on the most holiest of collegaite experiences... SPRING BREAK! You'll definitely need some scratch for plane tickets, girls, hotel rooms, girls, beach gear, girls, food, girls, hooch, girls, rent-a-cars, girls, bail, girls, souvenirs, girls, and girls you might meet in you bacchanals.

Not to mention cash for bail money and when you've got to take care of that post Spring Break VD.

Never give away anything - you'll probably never get it back.

I let a friend borrow a book. He didn't tell me he was going on some Peace Corps-eque overseas program. To Thailand. Good-bye book.

(1) Signing up for credit cards on campus (using exclusively false personal information) is an excellent source of clean t-shirts;

(2) Stay out of the way of Take Back the Night girls... those ladies are ruthless and will not hesitate to persecute your XY chromosomal ass;

(3) Practice chugging. It will be your greatest asset.

I think Death Surge needs his own advice column on this site.

And I wish someone had told me 15 years ago what Judas Booth posted about establishing credit. Print that crap off and live by it.

Holy hell, I just went back and read Death Surge's post. He could not possibly be more correct. In fact, I'm seriously considering asking my mom to crochet "Psychology electives are way easier than you would think they are. Astronomy electives are way harder" onto a throw pillow.

During some drunken partying, I got caught in/collided with a "Down with Penis Power" (it was what they were chanting) rally/march while I was visiting my buddy at the very Liberal Arts Wesleyan U in Connecticut (which is what PCU is based on and partially filmed at).

I'm glad I escaped with my nuts attached. They all had the female gender symbol drawn around their eye.

It's true, but my Cosmology class was my all-time favorite elective. Astronomy electives will kick your ass, but you'll probably come out the other end of the wormhole a better person.

My college had an abbreviated winter term that offered all kinds of eclectic and off-beat classes. The idea was to encourage people to explore outside their major or to study topics related to their major in a different light. The theater department offered a class that consisted of a trip to Broadway to see three or four shows and study the history of the American musical. One English class went to England and followed the path of the pilgrims in The Canterbury Tales while reading the book. I took a class called The Art of Woody Allen that focused more on his non-cinematic works (his stand-up and his essay collections). Don't be afraid to look into a class that at first glance might have you scratching your head wondering what the heck they're thinking for offering it.

And -- although judging by your participation here, this probably won't be a problem -- participate. Don't just sit there taking notes. Question, offer opinion, challenge. The best classes I had were ones where the professor talked the least.

I once took a circus class as an elective. It was taught by the guy who trains the clowns at Barnum and Bailey Circus. We had three things we had to master -- juggling, tight rope, and trapeze. I am really horrible at juggling, but aced the latter two, mainly because of my previous gymnastics experience.