From here:
"Narrator: "This is an actual transcript from an Onstar representative helping a person in need".
Onstar: "Thank you for using your Onstar system, my name is Derek, how can I help you today".
Mike: (sounding as if he were in a BIG hurry) "I gotta get into my van right now and it's locked from the inside. I can't find my keys!".
Onstar: "Yes sir, calm down, could I have your name please?".
Mike: "My name's Mike, what the hell difference does that make I gotta get into my van!".
Onstar: "Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?".
Mike: "Jesus Christ can't you just take my phone number or some shit, c'mon!".
Onstar: (hearing funny clicking noises in the background) "Sir, can I ask what the nature of the emergency is?".
Mike: "OK, shit, fuck, YOU BASTARDS!!" (sounds of pounding on metal).
Onstar: "Sir!?!, Sir!?!".
Mike: "Look, my fucking wife and my best friend are in the back of my van and he's banging the shit out of her. They've locked me out and won't let me in!".
Narrator: "NO matter what the emergency or where your vehicle is, an Onstar representative can unlock your vehicle instantly even if you are one thousand miles away".
Onstar: "Sir, do you have youe account number?".
Mike: "Shit! Goddammit! Hold on. (sound of mike putting something down, a rustle of papers and some female screams in the background) here it is, here it is, 564 XXX XXXX". Hurry up!".
Onstar "Was that 564 XXX XXXX?".
Mike: "Yes!!!! C'mon, I think she's cumming" (sounds of escalating screams and moans in the background some male, some female).
Onstar "Ok sir, is your van out in the open?".
Mike: "No, it's in my garage is that a problem?". (more screams, more clicking).
Onstar: "Sir, what is that clicking noise?".
Mike: "Nothing, don't worry about it. Are you gonna open my van or what?".
Onstar: "Ok sir, I'm sending a signal now to open the locks on your van. You may here it or you may not".
Mike: "ok, is it unlocked?".
Onstar: "Yes sir, it should be unlocked".
(sound of van door opening)
Mike: "YOU FUCKERS (click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! sounds of female and male screaming, female voice says YOU KILLED HIM YOU FUCKER!!!) NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BITCH!! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM!!!! Cheating fucking whore. Derek you still there? (Mike is breathing very heavily now)".
Onstar: "Uhhh..yes sir I am".
Mike: "You got a great service here Derek, Thanks. See you in hell click click BOOM!!!!!!! (sound of more than one thing hitting the floor, dead silence).
Onstar: "Thank you for using Onstar and have a nice day".
Narrator: "Onstar, we're there when you need us. Contact your local Onstar representative for details."
God I hate those commercials."
"Narrator: "This is an actual transcript from an Onstar representative helping a person in need".
Onstar: "Thank you for using your Onstar system, my name is Derek, how can I help you today".
Mike: (sounding as if he were in a BIG hurry) "I gotta get into my van right now and it's locked from the inside. I can't find my keys!".
Onstar: "Yes sir, calm down, could I have your name please?".
Mike: "My name's Mike, what the hell difference does that make I gotta get into my van!".
Onstar: "Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?".
Mike: "Jesus Christ can't you just take my phone number or some shit, c'mon!".
Onstar: (hearing funny clicking noises in the background) "Sir, can I ask what the nature of the emergency is?".
Mike: "OK, shit, fuck, YOU BASTARDS!!" (sounds of pounding on metal).
Onstar: "Sir!?!, Sir!?!".
Mike: "Look, my fucking wife and my best friend are in the back of my van and he's banging the shit out of her. They've locked me out and won't let me in!".
Narrator: "NO matter what the emergency or where your vehicle is, an Onstar representative can unlock your vehicle instantly even if you are one thousand miles away".
Onstar: "Sir, do you have youe account number?".
Mike: "Shit! Goddammit! Hold on. (sound of mike putting something down, a rustle of papers and some female screams in the background) here it is, here it is, 564 XXX XXXX". Hurry up!".
Onstar "Was that 564 XXX XXXX?".
Mike: "Yes!!!! C'mon, I think she's cumming" (sounds of escalating screams and moans in the background some male, some female).
Onstar "Ok sir, is your van out in the open?".
Mike: "No, it's in my garage is that a problem?". (more screams, more clicking).
Onstar: "Sir, what is that clicking noise?".
Mike: "Nothing, don't worry about it. Are you gonna open my van or what?".
Onstar: "Ok sir, I'm sending a signal now to open the locks on your van. You may here it or you may not".
Mike: "ok, is it unlocked?".
Onstar: "Yes sir, it should be unlocked".
(sound of van door opening)
Mike: "YOU FUCKERS (click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! sounds of female and male screaming, female voice says YOU KILLED HIM YOU FUCKER!!!) NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BITCH!! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM!!!! Cheating fucking whore. Derek you still there? (Mike is breathing very heavily now)".
Onstar: "Uhhh..yes sir I am".
Mike: "You got a great service here Derek, Thanks. See you in hell click click BOOM!!!!!!! (sound of more than one thing hitting the floor, dead silence).
Onstar: "Thank you for using Onstar and have a nice day".
Narrator: "Onstar, we're there when you need us. Contact your local Onstar representative for details."
God I hate those commercials."
