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My girlfriend just bought a huge dildo. - Page 2

post #51 of 309
7/3/07 at 11:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barkatthemoon
I had a girlfriend that kept a fairly large, transparent red dildo in the head board of her bed. I remember saying something like "I guess you really don't need a boyfriend, ha ha." She replied, "Yeah, but that dildo ain't gonna suck my tits, bite my neck, and throw me around like a rag doll."
Sigged.
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post #52 of 309
7/4/07 at 12:18am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus
Also, what need have girls for lenghth/size when the important spots are right at the door.
Well, ONE of them is; the G Spot can be considerably deeper and more challenging to reach. Some women prefer that over clitoral stimulation, and toys may be the only way for some couples to reach the area consistently.

P.S.: Is that Bitches Leave. . . or Jim Norton?
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post #53 of 309
7/4/07 at 8:51am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitches Leave
A few weeks ago I really started fantasizing (spelling?) about pounding (don't know if that is the correct term to use) my GF with a dildo. She was up to that (we have never used dildos before) and 2 days ago she she went and bought one since I was too chicken to do that.

What she brought to our home shocked me. This was not the kind of dildo I had imagined. instead of a nice, smooth silvery vibrator she came in waving a HUUGE 12 inch meatcolored rubberdick that looked both longer and thicker than my forearm.
Thread found.

So let me get this straight, you brought up the idea for her to go get a dildo? And then she brought home a baseball bat. I guess the moral of the story so far is a) don't suggest dildos and b) if you do don't let your gf do the dildo shopping by herself. Now I'm picturing Kurtwood Smith and Bridget Moynahan arguing about size in a dildo store. So I guess you have a couple years left until she is one of those chicks who can hide a six pack of sprite. I picture you saying to her in a couple months "stop using that thing and do your kegel excercises, it's like an aiplane hanger in there." Look on the bright side though, she might think it's way too big, or she might have a very springy vagina, and maybe that dildo store only carried really big dildos.

Also, Greg David's ultimate fantasy is probably banging a pregnant woman with a strap on.
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post #54 of 309
7/4/07 at 9:29am
Ah, looks like Banks' bread crumb trail worked.
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post #55 of 309
7/4/07 at 10:22am
Bitches Leave was brutally murdered by his woman, wasn't he?
He should have known better than to follow jay f's advice.
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post #56 of 309
7/4/07 at 10:34am
They could be doing it RIGHT NOW.

Think about it.
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post #57 of 309
7/4/07 at 10:46am
I am thinking that huge phallus is going in somebody OTHER than BL's girlfriend.

Remember to bite down on your wallet or your belt, buddy.
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post #58 of 309
7/4/07 at 12:55pm
[QUOTE=Dr Vivisector,]Go first, go down her, then finish her off (so to speak) with the Doc Johnson implement of sexual destruction. That way, at least you don't get sloppy seconds from a happy meal toy.[/QUOTE]

fixed
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post #59 of 309
7/4/07 at 1:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Feral Akodon
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Vivisector
Go first, go down on her, then finish her off (so to speak) with the Doc Johnson implement of sexual destruction.
fixed
Fixed.
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post #60 of 309
7/4/07 at 4:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Kent
I am thinking that huge phallus is going in somebody OTHER than BL's girlfriend.

Remember to bite down on your wallet or your belt, buddy.
It's no coincidence that BL also stands for Bowel Lacerations.
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post #61 of 309
7/4/07 at 4:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barkatthemoon
I had a girlfriend that kept a fairly large, transparent red dildo in the head board of her bed. I remember saying something like "I guess you really don't need a boyfriend, ha ha." She replied, "Yeah, but that dildo ain't gonna suck my tits, bite my neck, and throw me around like a rag doll."

Does she write The Entity slashfic?
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post #62 of 309
7/4/07 at 5:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barkatthemoon
I had a girlfriend that kept a fairly large, transparent red dildo in the head board of her bed. I remember saying something like "I guess you really don't need a boyfriend, ha ha." She replied, "Yeah, but that dildo ain't gonna suck my tits, bite my neck, and throw me around like a rag doll."
And now she has a man that will do that.
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post #63 of 309
7/4/07 at 10:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by devincf
And now she has a man that will do that.
No, actually she is married to a 27-year-old drug dealer facing 10 years in prison. He's brain is so burnt on drugs he don't know what planet he's on.

He couldn't throw a rag doll around like a rag doll.
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post #64 of 309
7/5/07 at 9:00am
Thread Starter 
wow just came back after a mini holliday and I haven't read through this thing yet but AM looking forward to see how many more that won't believe that it is my girlfriend in that photo. Don't worry I'll get the drivers from my scanner soon and proove it to you, I promise.

Now in regards to the other thing I'm sorry to disappoint but that meatclub she bought has been boxed and archived like the lost Ark. It just felt wrong holding a rubberdick in my hand that looked so much like the real thing (except sizewise). So yeah I pussied out and that little adventure ended fast.
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post #65 of 309
7/5/07 at 9:15am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitches Leave
MY ANUS FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN FUCKED BY A TRAIN.
Rough translation.
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post #66 of 309
7/5/07 at 9:51am
"I don't know what you mean, honey. I know nothing of the disappearance of that toy. I would have been up for it again, I really would!"
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post #67 of 309
7/5/07 at 10:34am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitches Leave
Now in regards to the other thing I'm sorry to disappoint but that meatclub she bought has been boxed and archived like the lost Ark. It just felt wrong holding a rubberdick in my hand that looked so much like the real thing (except sizewise). So yeah I pussied out and that little adventure ended fast.
"We have top men working on it now."
"Who?"
"TOP. MEN."
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post #68 of 309
7/6/07 at 12:46am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitches Leave
It just felt wrong holding a rubberdick in my hand that looked so much like the real thing (except sizewise).
Clearly, you're not hanging out with the kind of men your girlfriend has been.
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post #69 of 309
7/6/07 at 1:14am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belethedheliel
Clearly, you're not hanging out with the kind of men your girlfriend has been.
Diss!
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post #70 of 309
7/6/07 at 1:20am
Quote:
Originally Posted by donde
Diss!
Well, I don't know about 12 inches, but 8 or 9 and as big around as your forearm is certainly an anatomic reality for some men. Presumably the dildo has to be long enough to have someone hold it (unless it's designed to attach to a harness), so that would add 3 or 4 more inches.
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post #71 of 309
7/6/07 at 1:23am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belethedheliel
Well, I don't know about 12 inches, but 8 or 9 and as big around as your forearm is certainly an anatomic reality for some men.
Damn it.
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post #72 of 309
7/6/07 at 2:34am
I think you've been hanging out with too many horses.
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post #73 of 309
7/6/07 at 4:02am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belethedheliel
Well, I don't know about 12 inches, but 8 or 9 and as big around as your forearm is certainly an anatomic reality for some men. Presumably the dildo has to be long enough to have someone hold it (unless it's designed to attach to a harness), so that would add 3 or 4 more inches.

As big around as your forearm? A man's forearm, who weighs 200 lbs? Shaq O'Neal is not even that wide. (I gave him a handjob once)
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post #74 of 309
7/6/07 at 7:21am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitches Leave
Now in regards to the other thing I'm sorry to disappoint but that meatclub she bought has been boxed and archived like the lost Ark. It just felt wrong holding a rubberdick in my hand that looked so much like the real thing (except sizewise). So yeah I pussied out and that little adventure ended fast.
Not to beat a dead horse with a giant rubber dildo, but I would like to add that your distress isn't entirely well founded. I mean, entire human beings can pass through there - she will snap back.
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post #75 of 309
7/6/07 at 10:50am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitches Leave
wow just came back after a mini holliday and I haven't read through this thing yet but AM looking forward to see how many more that won't believe that it is my girlfriend in that photo. Don't worry I'll get the drivers from my scanner soon and proove it to you, I promise.
Unless you post pictures of your girlfriend with Kurtwood Smith, I'm going to remain skeptical.
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post #76 of 309
7/6/07 at 2:01pm
If you have problems with holding a fake rubber penis in your hands, you can always just dress him up...



Now, seriously, stop being a fucking pussy and make her feel TRUE POWER!
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post #77 of 309
7/6/07 at 2:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpnspaulding
If you have problems with holding a fake rubber penis in your hands, you can always just dress him up...



Now, seriously, stop being a fucking pussy and make her feel TRUE POWER!
That's right, frighten the shit out of your girlfiend or wife, come off real nerdy or reenact your favorite scene of hentai with a Cthulhu dildo cozy.
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post #78 of 309
7/6/07 at 6:49pm
A dildo is no laughing matter:

Ranger Rick finds no humor in your ordeal, Bitches Leave.
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post #79 of 309
7/7/07 at 3:44am
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpnspaulding
If you have problems with holding a fake rubber penis in your hands, you can always just dress him up...



Now, seriously, stop being a fucking pussy and make her feel TRUE POWER!
That's it, I'm finally going to go out and buy a dildo, just so I can have my own Cthulhu dildo cozy.

Erotic pleasure holder and coffee table ornament, it's multi-functional!!!
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post #80 of 309
7/7/07 at 3:52am
I just passed out a few reps saying the same thing... but this thread is too fucking much.
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post #81 of 309
7/7/07 at 7:32am
You could always superglue the dildo's base to your forehead and chase her around the bedroom, entoning,
"WE MEAN NO HARM TO YOUR PLANET!!
WE MEAN NO HARM TO YOUR PLANET!!"
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post #82 of 309
7/9/07 at 12:45pm
Real Doll rendition of Bitches Leaves girlfriend with said dildo:

http://www.realdolldoctor.com/Ariell...elle%20045.jpg
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post #83 of 309
7/9/07 at 12:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graham
You could always superglue the dildo's base to your forehead and chase her around the bedroom, entoning,
"WE MEAN NO HARM TO YOUR PLANET!!
WE MEAN NO HARM TO YOUR PLANET!!"
You do realize by using superglue you've now created an extremly awkward but hilarious story for your local emergency room staff.
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post #84 of 309
7/11/07 at 1:15am
You don't need the emergency room! I once super glued my hands together and it only took me about half an hour of work to peel them apart again.
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post #85 of 309
7/11/07 at 2:42am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brendan
Real Doll rendition of Bitches Leaves girlfriend with said dildo:

http://www.realdolldoctor.com/Ariell...elle%20045.jpg
Now I know what fabfunk's rec room looks like.
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post #86 of 309
7/11/07 at 9:27am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Litmus Configuration
Now I know what fabfunk's rec room looks like.
Wrong. The "girl", while accurately unable to move or breathe, is of a normal color. And there's a shovel missing.

So, will Bitches Leave post a picture of The Destroyer ?
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post #87 of 309
7/12/07 at 11:28am
This thread needs an update.....
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post #88 of 309
7/12/07 at 3:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva
Vaginas are elastic. They'll expand to accommodate bigger cocks and will go back to its normal size. That said, if she starts using this on a daily basis, vaginal reconstructive surgery may be your best bet.

Size matters and it honestly Kills me. When its time for me to get into a relationship. I'm going to have to allow her to be in an open relationship. So that she can get that Big cock else where. This is something that I have to force myself to accept. If I don't then my future partner will leave me. I would not be able to satisfy her.


Small penises don't satisfy women. Just nod and agree with me, no use disagreeing it would just insult my intellegence. ( not kidding )
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post #89 of 309
7/12/07 at 3:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spike1983
Small penises don't satisfy women. Just nod and agree with me, no use disagreeing it would just insult my intellegence. ( not kidding )
Would anyone dare ?
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post #90 of 309
7/12/07 at 3:45pm
His logic is flawless.

On a side note, Bitches Leave will probably never update this thread. We will be left only with the lingering image of a BL goatse forever burned in our minds.
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post #91 of 309
7/12/07 at 3:57pm
Along with his Unreal Tournament picture.
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post #92 of 309
7/12/07 at 4:06pm
Actually size matters, but it's more about girth than width. I've been with guys who's cocks were practically ramming me in the throat from the inside and let me tell that's no fun. But from a strictly physiological aspect, all of the pleasure nerves are located around the entrance of the vagina and it's the stretching of the vaginal walls that stimulates those nerves. So girth is the what gives sex the fun factor. However, the fact of the matter is that length and width are usually proportional. So it's more than likely that the guy's with huge girth also have the length.
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post #93 of 309
7/12/07 at 7:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva
So it's more than likely that the guy's with huge girth also have the length.
Or neither, .... I mean, ahem, so I have been told.
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post #94 of 309
7/12/07 at 7:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva
So girth is the what gives sex the fun factor.
Not the role-playing?
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post #95 of 309
7/12/07 at 7:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll
Not the role-playing?
Don't you mean the beating?
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post #96 of 309
7/12/07 at 7:39pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll
Not the role-playing?
Girl, I'm'a make you scream. I'm talking shit like you ain't never felt before. I'll be rolling all kindsa d100's up in you. Word.
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post #97 of 309
7/12/07 at 7:51pm
Sometimes we reenact the opening scene to Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssssssss Song.
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post #98 of 309
7/12/07 at 8:59pm
It's nice that you bring that up Patrick.

How can we help our friend Spike1983 surmounting his tiny penis problem and achieve maximal sexual potential in his county prison ? I'm puzzled as which role he should take as Angry Mike plow him behind the maintenance shed.

Beatrice the French Maid or Svetlana the Russian Spy ?
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post #99 of 309
7/12/07 at 9:17pm
The Russian Spy. He can pretend to show off all sorts of tiny gadgets, and then say "I've got one more tiny gadget I can show you".

In all seriousness, you don't need a huge penis, just remember to double up the oral sex.
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post #100 of 309
7/12/07 at 9:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva
Actually size matters, but it's more about girth than width. I've been with guys who's cocks were practically ramming me in the throat from the inside and let me tell that's no fun. But from a strictly physiological aspect, all of the pleasure nerves are located around the entrance of the vagina and it's the stretching of the vaginal walls that stimulates those nerves. So girth is the what gives sex the fun factor. However, the fact of the matter is that length and width are usually proportional. So it's more than likely that the guy's with huge girth also have the length.

True. However, the "g spot" is typically on the floor of the vagina (the side closer to the rectum) which can be stimulated with pressure without a really large girth, and the clitoris of course can be stimulated regardless of girth. Varying positions and angles can really make a difference in sensation - pain vs. comfort vs. pleasure. Oh, and some women have erogenous zones that aren't in the groin area.
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