I can't believe I got injured getting a lapdance

Only a broken heart. I thought she really liked me!!!

How much did you pay this broad Will?

Should've waited for the double lap dance special. 2 for one baby, 2 for one.

I remember going to one and if I remember (This was back in '03) $20 for topless and $40 for full nude.

There's always a deal.

My first strip club trip was on my 18th birthday in Panama City. I have only been to one other since, but even with my severely limited experience, I'm confident that this was the worst strip club in America.

The first thing I did, of course, was nervously sit down in front of the best looking dancer in the club. She then proceeded to put her feet on the arms of the chair (arms on a chair? In a strip club??) and ram her vagina as hard as she could into my face over and over. She was doing this so hard that my head was snapping back into the chair each time. Least erotic thing ever.

Still though, my buddies still say it's the funniest thing they've ever seen.

Fuck you for that image.

My bachelor party at Bare Elegance in L.A. The very hot Italian/Korean girl my buddies get me a private dance with stepped on my hand with her high heels. Really kind of kills the mood at that point.

Still, Bare Elegance has the best looking strippers of any club I have been too. It is L.A. The Admiral in Chicago though has the best prices. Of course I think it has been two years since I have even been to a strip club.

Honestly, even though I had a comparatively better experience at my second club, much like the first, it was mind-numbingly boring. I can't imagine I'll be back at one soon unless it's a party for somebody else.

I'm not a player but I have three stories.

I was at a strip club with my friend's attractive older sister (who I made out with one golden time before this) and her less attractive but looser friend. As we're sitting there, one girl on each arm, me looking like a golden god of strip club degenerates, relatively ugly friend decides to take a fiver out of hot older sister's purse and place it between her lips. She then saunters onto stage and raises her skits above her upper thighs. Stripper is aroused on two levels and proceeds to pseudo-simulate oral sex on friend, every second lick a direct hit. Friend pseudo-simulates pleasure, every second lick a legitimate shock. I sit back, a loser in king's shoes, and take it all in. We walk out ten minutes later, one slut on each arm, and I love it. 30 minutes later, I get two kisses and one grope in on hot older sister before my buddy phones her, and it's never been the same. I would change nothing.

This one injured me more emotionally than physically.

First strip club I ever went to was this place called House of Lords. It was a real shithole where all the strippers looked like they had guns pointed directly at them from offstage, but they'd mistakenly printed comps in one of the local newspapers so who was I to turn down a free meal?

Anyway, once we're there my friends spring for a table dance from this hot blonde chick who does a bit of grinding and stuff before going on to do her "trick". She takes a piece of ice from one of our drinks and proceeds to put it in her snatch, the idea being, I guess, that she's gonna shoot it out across the room or something (I'm not really sure how that qualifies as a "trick", but she is a stripper so I guess expecting her to saw a friend in half would be a bit much). Unfortunately, as frozen water is wont to do in places of high temperature, the ice melted and all she squeezed out was this disgusting splurt of water, half of which went on my face, with the other half dribbling down her leg.

The embarrassed stripper muttered "don't worry, I'll get it right next time" and left the table while we were still all frozen with shock.

Funniest thing I read all week, thats for sure. *thumbs up*

I imagine a vagina being rammed into your face, coming only centimeters from your nose, expecting the next thrust to end your life and leave your brains splattered on the chair.

And then one time she rams it really close to my eye but stops like that knife in Mission: Impossible 2. That would be pretty sweet.

Last time I made it to a strip club I saw a slightly overweight Japanese girl biff the whole 'climbing the pole' routine big time, falling from the top and probably breaking her leg. She got carried off with Journey as the lead-in to the next dancer. A few minutes later, she hobbled back to the stage and grabbed her drink. She got something like 40 bucks in tips.

Witnessing the whole event, it was the first time I was genuinely glad to be in a titty bar, and to be American.

While I'm not going to doubt the hideousness of your experience, I gotta tell you there's stiff (?) competition for that particular title. Case in point: Dottie's Body Shop in Collinsville, IL.

First, they got dancers been doin the jig since Capone held sway in Chicago.

Second, the worst of them looked sorta like a dancing bear. You, at the VERY LEAST, expect a lack of armpit hair unless you specifically request "The Italian Job, baby".

Third: I was there with my bandmates at the time. We were hanging out after practise, just because we didn't want to go home to our wives. Out comes one of the dancing bears. We stay at our table so as to maximize the distance between said bruin and our eyeballs. NO ONE took a stage seat. So, naturally, after her dance she walked table to table begging for tips.

So our drummer waits until she gets to our table...makes the request...then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of change and pulls out her g-string and drops it in. When she starts bitching at him, he says "Calm down, bitch. There was some quarters in there."

Good times....

Dude, you didn't get a lap dance, you got impregnated. You'll be impersonating John Hurt any day now.

Get back! He's been infected with Rage!

There is (or at least was) a real dive of a strip club called Dischiavo's in Utica, NY where I went to college. This place could probably qualify as worst in America. I went in there w/ 5 other guys one night, and the dancers were horrid. One looked like a tired old mom, one was really, really fat, and one, while tall & well built, was literally COVERED in Harley Davidson tattoos. At the end of every set, the bartender was the only one clapping tiredly in "appreciation". The night took a turn for the worse when one of the guys I was with started stealing beers from the dry cases stacked up by the back wall. He passed them out to all of us, and since I was watching the show, such as it was, and not him, I didn't see where it had come from. I thought he had bought us a round, since that's how we were buying the drinks that night. The bar was serving Bud that night, and genius steals a bunch of Old Milwaukees. Of course the bartender notices, and throws everyone drinking an Old Mil out of the place. We were probably lucky that's all he did.

Another time, I was in the Navel Base in North Bergen NJ w/ my best friend. There was this really tall woman there; had to be 5'10" + heels. We're sitting at the bar, in front of one of the little stages; the tall girl is on the other side of the bar at the opposite stage, and we're arguing about how tall she is. My friend insists she's only like 5'7", but wearing really high heels, "Like these", he says, reaching out and tapping the ankle of the girl who is now dancing in front of us, who put her leg up on the bar. As I found out later, this was her 1st night, and the one thing they drilled into her was not to let the patrons touch her. So she recoils her leg in horror, and knocks over a bottle of Absolut, which of course shatters on the floor. The barmaid comes over to clean it up, giving us a dirty look. A few seconds later, a deep gravelly voice says: "'Scuse me, gentlemen", from behind us. I turn around, staring into the chest of the largest bouncer I've ever seen. I was sure the long and bumpy road that was my life had come to an end, but you could've knocked me over w/ a feather when all he did was croak: "You can't touch the dancers, OK?" and leave. I'm sure I used up a lot of karma that night.

Many years ago, I used to participate in a St. Patrick's Day get together with a few buddies (many were cops) who were of Irish background. We'd start at a nearby Irish bar or restaurant, get knackered, and wrap up the night at a local strip club. One year, about 7 of us headed to a club called Bourbon Street - small place, some pretty hot girls, and this big ass King Kong Bundy looking bouncer at the door.

We settle in, and watch this one girl go through her routine. After a bit, she saunters over to this one guy who's plying her with singles and small talk. She talks to this guy for about 5 minutes - the bouncer walks over and says something to the dancer. She starts yelling at the bouncer, then jumps off the stage. She gets into the bouncers' face then sucker punches him dead in the face. He goes down HARD, knocking over the guy she was originally talking to. Both guys were out cold. The dancer starts swearing up a storm, goes into the back, and the DJ completely flustered tries to announce the next dancer.

I would just like to add that there is a strip club about 15 minutes from my house with the ballsy name of "Leave It To Beavers".

So that's what happened to Eddie Haskell when he grew up.

My favorite titty bar goes by some high-falutin nomenclature as well. You can get some great blank stares when you answer "what'd you do last night?" with "Got tossed out of The Outhouse."

Will, you should return, wearing 80's parachute-pants COVERED IN ZIPPERS and a t-shirt with the name "The Cheese Grater" emblazoned on it, to enact your revenge.

I kid.

That must be one strong chick that you'd never want to piss off.

That's the thing, looking at her, you'd never think it. IIRC, she was medium height and build. My guess it was a lucky punch, right in the nose. Like I mentioned earlier, he fell back into the guy she was originally talking to, and they hit the ground hard.

"Weaker sex", bullshit!

I think Will is just getting off on everyone's stories.

I went to a strip club in Dallas called the Cabaret Royale in May, kinda a celebration of finishing up final exams. There was one particular stripper on stage doing her thing, so I approach the stage with dollar bill in hand. She says hello to me kittenishly and then turns around, gets on all fours doggy style, pulls apart her ass cheeks and gives me full view of its contents, which included a lot of old wadded up toilet paper. Worst customer service experience ever. Disgusted, I give her the dollar and sit down to discuss this with my friends. Later that evening, I see this skig-skag crying at the front door. Another of the strippers working there, while giving me a lap dance, said that she was strung out on meth and had just got fired.

All in all, a fun night on the town!

Man, I had many nights at strip clubs, to the point I've actually dated two strippers. Here's two quick stories:

1) Similar to Will's cock bruise story, I was rubbed raw by an overly aggressive (and stunningly hot) stripper one night. It was a weeknight, and things were slow, so this girl hung out at our table most of the night (we were regulars and knew the door guy, two waitresses, and one bartender). In Pensacola, lapdances were $10 each, or $10 during 2-for-1 (as they are in Atlanta too). She sometimes danced just "to be doing something", and I always bought the 2-for-1 deal. At some point, she had moved my dick (through my pants) so it was pointing up. The then proceeded to grind on me so hard that, between my jeans and my underwear, she rubbed my cock raw on the bottom. Ow-fucking-ch.

2) One night at another favorite haunt, the manager tells me and my buddy that this older balding fellow in the "VIP" balcony (there was no room, just a raised area with a leather couch) was Johnny Bench. And, much to our surprise, it was. Apparently he was there in Pensacola doing a signing at some card show. Being Johnny Bench, he didn't pay for many drinks that night (if any), and he was so drunk, he was having trouble sitting upright in the chair. I actually caught him from falling once, and helped the manager lay him down on the couch, then helped move him out to a cab that took him back to his hotel. He was a nice guy, even hammered.

At my bachelor party, my friend - who has a history of passing out/falling asleep first and ANYWHERE - decided it was nap-time at Silk (one of the top 2 places in Milwaukee, for what that's worth).

My friends decided to play a joke - they asked a stripper how much it would be to give him a lapper out on the floor and see what happened. She said "hell, I'll do that for free!" So she hops on him and starts doing her thing. Both his hands grab her ass. Then he wakes up. Then he just about jumps out of his chair in the "where the fuck am I?/what the fuck is going on?" mode.

We were worried he was going to get tossed for touching the dancer, but one of the bouncers saw the whole thing go down and was laughing harder than we were.

Sorry, that's all I got. Well, except for the one time the off-duty (and drunk) stripper hopped onto my lap and started making out with me, but that's a tale for another day....

Back in the day when Mrs Vivisector and I would occasionally frequent strip clubs, we took a chance on a full-nude place in a bad part of town. Needless to say, it was more akin to a trip to the OB/GYN rather than an erotic experience.

The idea of the girls there of turning a guy on was to spread em and flash the goods. And with virtually all the girls, this was more unpleasant than arousing.

After one girl basically spread 'em enough for me to see her cervix went to move off the stage, only to clumsily fall down to the floor with a loud crash. It was at least a good three foot drop.

As she went gingerly around collecting her tips, she explained that she was virtually blind on stage, as she couldn't wear her glasses.....

Certainly not erotic, but damned funny.

Now that I have Kid Vivisector at home, I'd like to see what the local businesses are like these days, but there are always better uses for my singles....

Yeah, that reminds me of that time, the only time I paid for a full nude lap dance. The girl I approcached told me she had three piercings down there. I didn't think anything of it. Thankfully, it was pretty dark in the place where I got the lapdance.

In the area of piercings, ladies I'll never understand the point of piercings down there. Never will.

Not to mention the risk of infection is who knows how high.

Sadly, this story is second-hand from my old college roommate. He was at a bachelor party and everyone chipped in for a stage dance for the guy. One of the dances included two ladies facing one another, seated position with legs outstretched and interlocked with the other gal. OK, so take that whole mess and put it on the guy's shoulders while the strippers see-saw back and forth (the guy is getting crotch slammed into his face and back of his head). The real problem arose because the girl with her crotch in is face happened to be wearing rhinestone panties. Pretty much took the skin off the tip of his nose a week before the wedding.

Let that be a lesson folks. Never wear studded undies.

Apparently, it feels really good during the Act.

You know that's what I hear, but really in this man's opinion, there are some places where metal shouldn't go or be put thru.

Like the brain. Or the pancreas.

I imagine it must hurt like hell to get them, but I think nipp;e rings on a girl can be hot. But I agree, female crotch piercing isn't a turn on at all. tatts on the other hand, can be REALLY sexy if done right. An arm or ankle band, a lil' something on the instep or the big toe, maybe something not too outrageous on the small of the back, lil' heart or something on the buttock. . . Niiiiice. But full sleeves, or big stuff on the breasts or hips? What am I, sleeping with a sailor?

Sadly, that's the case w/ most all nude clubs in the US. Guess it takes a certain kind of girl to do that. In Canada, on the other hand, things are much nicer. Had the time of my life one evening in the Brass Rail in Toronto. Beautiful, classy girls, and cheap Canadian beer a-plenty (I love me some Canadian beer). But US clubs, almost always, in the states I've been to, juice bars because Americans apparently can't handle booze and nudity in the same room. And sleazy, B list (at best) girls w/ no concept of the truly erotic, as a by-product of our clinging Victorian morality.

And how's this for screwy? At home here in Jersey, we have go-go bars, w/ liquor by NO baring of assest whatsoever, just cute girls in bikinis. OR all nude juice bars. No in between topless + alcohol, which is the case in NY state.

Since I broached the subject, what are the laws in this area in your respective home states? I'd be particularly interested in hearing about Florida, since a recent horror short story I read has me curious.

Yeah, but what about tats on a girl?

I don't mind the small ones anymore, guess it's a cliche to get them. But anything on the breast really bothers me for some reason. Guess it takes away from the natural grandeur.

I thought the whole No Booze When Noodz was law everywhere in the US.

It can be different by county, as it is here in Atlanta. In some counties, you've got fully nude clubs that serve alcohol, and in others, the clubs had to make a choice of fully nude and no alcohol or bikini babes and alcohol available. There was a great place here called the Taj Mahal where I got to visit just before the county changed the law and they went to bikinis. They also have a pool. I saw a couple of guys from Pantera there one night as well.

Speaking of clumsy dancers, here's another story:

During one of the last "roll calls" of the night, where all the girls come out on stage just before the 2-for-1 dances, one of the girls was really really drunk (and I am embarrassed to say, this is one of the two that I dated) and came out and started dancing around one of the poles. At one point she jumps about 1/4 of the way up the pole and starts to spin around it, and I guess she didn't wrap her legs tight enough around it, because as soon as she started to spin, she then dropped about 3 feet right on the stage, flat on her back. Everyone in that area sort of stopped what they were doing and stared, but she just hopped right back up again and started dancing again. It was hilarious. We weren't dating anymore at this point, thank God.