HEY, THE TRAILER FOR RIVER MONSTERS: THE MOVIE

There’s a show on TV that I rather enjoy called River Monsters.  Perhaps you’ve seen it.  It’s sort of like one of those bass fishing shows on CMT or ESPN, except that the angler, Jeremy Wade’s, accent is decidedly British rather thasn Southern and he doesn’t spend the entire show in the boat with a six pack talkin’ ’bout how them fish is bitin’ today.  Plus the things he’s going after put up a hell of a lot more fight than a large mouth bass.  Anyway, what I really like about the show is that Wade is pulling some asininely large and hideous fish out of
the water every show.  It’s not like MonsterQuest where they spend the entire hour jerking off with little or no results.  Wade goes after something, he gets it. 

The point I’m getting to in my own roundabout way is that River Monsters always delivers the goods.  And that’s exactly what I’m hoping for from Piranha 3D, which is now up over at Yahoo! Movies.  It’s got a fairly loaded cast in Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Steven R. McQueen, Dina Meyer, Kelly Brook (who will be naked in this or at least in a wet t-shirt if there is a God), Ricardo Chavira, Richard Dreyfuss, Jerry O’Connell, Christopher Lloyd and  Eli Roth.  Looks like it’s got all the necessary elements (and many of the necessary cliches).  Piranha 3D premieres August 27th.

Thanks to Brian for the tip.






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FIRST SMURFS IMAGE MAKES IT LOOK MORE TERRIFYING THAN HUMAN CENTIPEDE

OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE DONE TO HANK AZARIA??!?!?






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BATMAN 3 SQUEAKS INTO THEATERS JUST BEFORE THE MAYAN APOCALYPSE

If the world ends in December 2012, it’s going to end with a lot of happy geeks. The summer of 2012 is shaping up to be the nerd version of the Summer of Love, but probably with a lot less sex. And drugs. And counterculture coolness. But you know what I mean – summer 2012 is going to be a big fucking deal.

The biggest fucking deal? Probably Batman 3, which has now been scheduled for July 20th. That’s a quick turnaround for Christopher Nolan, who is only now finishing up Inception. It’s possible that development on the script is farther along than we all thought it was, or else Nolan is just trying to finish up his Bats trilogy before the apocalypse.

But Batman 3 will be just one of the big swinging dicks that summer. Let’s look at what else is scheduled for 2012:

Battleship on May 25th

Star Trek 2 on June 29th

Spider-Man reboot on July 3rd

The Avengers on July 4th (although don’t be surprised to see that move)

And without dates but likely for summer 2012:

Godzilla

John Carter of Mars

Dune

That’s a hell of a line-up. Like I said, when it all comes to an end on December 12, you’ll be at least satisfied. Maybe they’ll even have the Batman 3 Blu-Ray out by then.






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MOVIE OF THE DAY: ADRENALINE: FEAR THE RUSH

The Film: Adrenaline: Fear The Rush, 1996

The Principals:
Director: Albert Pyun.  Stars: Christopher Lambert,
Natasha Henstridge

The
Premise:
In the year 2017, there is a quarantine of Boston due to a virus that has migrated to American shores from out of Russia.  The virus is 100% lethal and as a result, the only way to get in or out of Boston into the safe zone is with special passports.  When a group of hooligans are killed by a creature who seems to have superhuman strength and durability, the Boston cops are called in to apprehend it, including Delon (Henstridge) and Lemieux (Lambert).  Delon, is desperate to get herself and her son out of the city, and she was planning to smuggle her son out via a black market passport when she got the call.  When the creature literally goes underground, the cops follow him and are wiped out one by one.


You got no one but yourself to blame here, Chris.

Delon eventually comes across some scientists that are in the hot zone and after the creature as well.  The “creature” actually turns out to be someone infected by the virus, which has turned him into a strong, cannibalistic psychopath.  What’s worse, he is threatening to explode and spread the virus over a large area.  What’s even worse is that Pyun seems to love getting tight close-ups of the creature’s frothing mouth and other parts.  Eventually, the psycho captures Delon and Lemieux and makes them watch as he eats another officer.  Delon escapes, gets the drop on him and kills him with the gold ole GSWs.  For her efforts, she’s awarded two passes out of Boston.

Is it
Good:

I noticed that the Movie of the Day scale was way leaning toward the positive, so I had to get a stinker up to even things out a bit.  Adrenaline: Fear The Rush could tilt it all the way back over to the other side by itself.  It is, in all possible honesty, one of the worst films you or I will probably ever see.  Or not if you’re lucky.  I haven’t seen the film in over 10 years, but I remember it’s shittiness quite well.  How bad is it?  A 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes is a good indication.  I’m sure the denizens of Boston who saw this film were wondering why their fair city looked so damned Eastern European.  Probably because that’s where it was shot. 


You’ll be begging her to use that on you five minutes into this thing.

Personally, I was wondering if Natasha Henstridge did this before her breakout role in Species the year before and the film sat.  Otherwise, what could have possibly led her to choosing this turd when she had just hit the mainstream?  As for Christopher Lambert, this was one of the first steps on his painful road to straight-to-DVD obscurity.  Even for a guy who’s spent his share of time slumming in that market, this is his worst movie by far.  Then there’s Albert Pyun, who’s done some classic and at least decent lower-budget films.  He wrote and directed this, so he’s to blame twice over.


Is it
Worth

a Look: If you haven’t, don’t.  You will rue the 77 minutes or so of your life you give over to this thing.  I’ve never seen this movie rerun and almost never in any bargain bin of any store I’ve been in.  There’s a very good reason for that.  This isn’t even good in the treasured “so bad it’s good” way.  It’s a shit sandwich without the mustard.

Random
Anecdotes:
I got the DVD for free.  I still wanted my money back.

Cinematic Soulmates: Highlander: The Source.  In cinematic quality, not necessarily plot.


The
Tally

So Far

 Positive  Negative
 Pontypool Deadgirl
 State of Play The Children
 Orphan  It’s Alive
 Grace  Friday the 13th, Part 3
 Inside  Hounddog
 3000 Miles to Graceland Columbus

Day

The Last Supper  Angel

Eyes

 Things To Do In Denver
When

You’re

Dead

Highlander:

The

Source

 World’s Greatest Dad  
The Killing Hour (aka The
Clairvoyant)
 Lady Beware  
The

Neverending
Story

 Pitch Black  
Battlefield Earth
 For All Mankind   Heaven’s Prisoners
 Splinter  
 Blessed

by

Fire

 
 Outland  
The Kindred  
 

Top

Secret

 
 

Beer Wars

 
 
The Brood
 
The

Incredible

Hulk 

 
Undertaking

Betty

 
 Cache  
 
Taxi
Blues
 
 
Across the Universe
 
Lord of War  
 
Dead Heat
 
 
The

Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
Across the

8th Dimension

 
 
Every

Which Way But Loose

 
 
The

Entity

 
 
The

Slammin’ Salmon

 
 
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
 
Master Of The Flying
Guillotine
   
   
   
   





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RUMOR DU JOUR: TOMMY LEE JONES IN CAPTAIN AMERICA?

UGO has floated an interesting casting possibility that at this point is mere rumor: could Tommy Lee Jones be making an appearance in The First Avenger: Captain America?  According to a source close to UGO, Tommy Lee Jones might be a very busy man this summer.  Along with the previously announced Men in Black 3, Jones is in negotiations to appear in Marvel’s The First Avenger: Captain America.  And they say aging actors don’t have a place in Hollywood anymore.  Ha!

Not much else to report on it that’s anything beyond mere speculation.  Assuming it pans out, though, who could he be?  Military?  Super soldier serum developer and scientist Abraham Erskine?  A Nazi?  Nah, not a Nazi.  Could be anybody (well, probably not the Falcon), but anybody else. 






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THE DEVIN'S ADVOCATE: ARE GOOD COMEDY MOVIES AN ENDANGERED SPECIES?

Somehow Anchorman 2 can’t get made. Despite being the sequel to a huge cult classic, and despite featuring three actors who most of our readers would consider ‘famous,’ Paramount has opted not to throw money into the future adventures of Ron Burgundy.

This looks like the latest sign that the bloom is off the comedy rose. For a while there the movie comedy landscape was great – there were smart, funny, raunchy movies being made with incredible ensembles and new stars were rising almost weekly. But lately the surefire formulas that put Judd Apatow and Adam McKay into the mainstream haven’t been working quite the same. And many of the newly minted stars are looking like they’re not really stars at all. And meanwhile, Kevin James keeps making lots of money.

I’ll pretty much bet that the Adam Sandler/Chris Rock/David Spade/Rob Schneider/Kevin James shitstorm Grown Ups makes more money than better, funnier movies starring the likes of Jonah Hill, Michael Cera and Danny McBride. I wouldn’t be shocked if it wildly outgrossed the very excellent looking The Other Guys. And in fact I’ll bet that those other non-Sandler movies will mostly underperform. What the heck happened? I think it’s three things:

– Oversaturation. How many movies have there been from ‘The Guys Who Brought You Superbad?’ Too many. How many movies can Will Ferrell appear in? Most of them, it seems. What’s the biggest hurdle facing Scott Pilgrim vs the World? The fact that audiences are sort of sick of seeing Michael Cera. In the five years since The 40 Year Old Virgin there have been 11 films that have been branded as “Judd Apatow” movies. I think probably 10 of those 11 are at least really, really good, but that’s still a flood of films. Interestingly Apatow has backed off lately; Get Him to the Greek may be sold as a “From the Guys Who” movie, but he doesn’t have anything else in the immediate pipeline until the 2011 Kristen Wiig film, which is outside of his ‘brand’ enough to feel fresh. Apatow has a bunch of other movies in various stages of development, but I bet 2010 is a pretty quiet year for him, one where he lets his name rebuild some meaning. But is it too late?


– Not ready for primetime stars. I really like Jonah Hill. I think he’s very funny, I think he’s smart and I think he’s a nice person in real life. I’m not convinced he’s a movie star yet. There’s been a trend to throw promising young comic actors right into the spotlight in the last few years as opposed to growing them in supporting roles. The problem that Michael Cera faces right now is that he’s been thrust out as a leading man when maybe the audience wasn’t quite craving that from him just yet. It’s not a good sign when your film career is about three years old and people are tired of seeing you already; the key to building new talent is to leave audiences wanting more from them. Audiences should see a performer’s name in the credits and be excited about having them onscreen, not dreading a return of their schtick. Look for Zach Galifianakis to be the next guy whose name in a casting announcement draws groans. Of course it’s hard to judge these things – Eddie Murphy blew up pretty much immediately, but not every comic is Eddie Murphy. The latest ‘new discovery’ who seems like he’s doing it right is Aziz Ansari; by appearing on a weekly TV series (aka the Steve Carell Method) he’s allowing audiences to get to know him before jumping into a leading feature role.

– The mainstream audience is stupid. And here’s the most damning part of all. The reality is that the great comic actors and filmmakers who have blossomed over the last few years are frankly too smart for the mainstream. I think it’s undeniable that Jody Hill is a genius, but he’s not the kind of genius who sells tickets. At least not enough tickets to justify a big budget feature. And that’s too bad because I think Hill’s smart, dark sensibilities would real blossom with some money behind them. But the tale is in the tape when it comes to the competing mall cop movies: Observe & Report, a truly brilliant, subversive and thrilling comedy, made off with $24 million. Paul Blart raked in $143 million. The reality is that the ‘alternative’ comedy guys will always be more interesting, more fun, and smarter… but that’s not what the flyover states want in their comedies. They don’t want to think, they don’t want to be challenged, they don’t want the unfamiliar. Judd Apatow and the mainstream briefly met each other for a couple of years, but Funny People indicates the mainstream isn’t willing to follow Apatow wherever he wants to go, especially if he’s going places that are dark and meaningful. Danny McBride is an incredible comic actor, but it appears that the mainstream doesn’t really ‘get’ him.

There’s sort of a subset to that last one, by the way: many of these filmmakers and actors are taking risks right now. They got some money and they got some clout and they’ve actually begun using it. Observe & Report is a great example; while I’m disappointed it didn’t do better I can’t help but think no one who made the movie expected it to really explode. Seth Rogen had a moment in time when he could get that movie made and he took that moment and ended up with a great movie that didn’t connect with the multiplex. It’ll be interesting to see what he does if The Green Hornet suffers the same fate. Step Brothers is a movie that almost continuously alienates the audience, while Land of the Lost was a $200 million film apparently aimed at about .7% of the population. Apatow also took a chance with Funny People, and David Gordon Green is using the power he got from Pineapple Express to make Your Highness, which is surely going to be the weirdest movie of 2011. It features an anatomically correct naked minotaur, after all. So it isn’t just that the mainstream audience is stupid, it’s that these guys have made conscious decisions not to go after them with their latest projects. 

But Hollywood’s memory is short. If Get Him to the Greek doesn’t work and Grown Ups does, expect to see a shift back to the toothless, stupid, ‘yelling is a punchline’ comedy films of the 90s. I’m glad that these guys took their moment and did work that they believed in and that was great. I just hope that it wasn’t their last moment. It’s been fun looking forward to big screen comedies again.





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FOX GOES INCOGNITO WITH ED BRUBAKER

Ed Brubaker is probably the biggest writer in comics today. He’s certainly the best who hasn’t been wasting his genius on DC Comics crossovers for the last few years. You might know Brubaker from his groundbreaking run on Captain America (and I mean really groundbreaking – he managed to bring Bucky back from the dead and yet didn’t fuck it up. Who saw that coming?), but for my money his best work has been outside of the exact mainstream. Books like Sleeper and Criminal are terrific, and either completely outside the superhero genre or do something very interesting with it.

Incognito (which I haven’t read… but I’m off to Free Comic Book Day at Meltdown tomorrow so I’ll pick up a copy!) is a book that does something very interesting with the superhero genre. What happens when a supervillain flips on his boss? He goes into witness protection, and that’s what the lead of Incognito is doing.

Superstrong Zack Overkill is given drugs that dampen his strength and given a new life as a mailman. But things don’t stay boring for Zack, who discovers ways to get his strength back but also discovers that he’s growing a conscience – his time in the civilian world is rubbing off on him. It’s a great concept that’s not gimmicky but honestly intriguing.

So the good news is that the book has been optioned for an adaptation. The bad news is that it’s at Fox. Brubaker feels very confident about the deal, especially since the powerful Peter Chernin will be producing, but any film nerd worth his salt will always shrink away when a good property ends up at Fox. Here’s hoping that Incognito bucks the trend.

via Deadline






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CONTEST: WIN IRON MAN 2 IMAX GOODIES!

I’ve seen Iron Man 2 twice now, and if I had to recommend a specific way to see it, I would definitely say in IMAX. If only for Scarlett Johansson. Va va voom!

The good folks at IMAX have teamed up with us bad folks at CHUD and are sponsoring a very cool giveaway for all you Shellhead Supporters in the audience.

We have one big grand prize pack and a couple of second prizes. The big winner will get:

AC/DC: Iron Man 2 Collectors Edition Soundtrack (includes CD, DVD, exclusive comic book reprint, AC/DC stickers and poster)
Marvel Select Iron Man 2 Action Figure
Iron Man 2 IMAX-Exclusive poster (that’s the very awesome poster above, featuring the Silver Centurion armor, my fave configuration in the movie)

Runners up will win the poster. Pretty great, huh?

All you have to do to win is send an email to devin at chud.com with IRON MAN 2 IMAX in the subject line. It must be exactly like that since I’m using mail filters for this contest and any email not formatted that way will be deleted. In the body of the email I need your real name and mailing address. That’s it!

This contest is only open  to readers in the United States. It ends Thursday May 6th.






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AGENT JOHNSON HAS LOCKJAW

On a flight to Zurich a couple of years ago, I had the chance to meet Daniel Bernhardt, who is probably best known for playing Agent Johnson in The Matrix Reloaded.  Nice guy; even signed my copy of the movie later on when I had the opportunity to have a friend who used to work for the airline, present it to him.  Bernhardt is also known for starring in several martial arts films, including taking over the Bloodsport franchise from JCVD.  So I was kind of surprised to find out that he’s a monster – in his latest film that is: Lockjaw.  

Bernhardt joins Mehcad Brooks (True Blood), Serinda Swan (Smallville’s Zatanna) and Sid Haig in the film, playing the titular character, says THR.com.  The story centers around a group of family and friends who, en
route to New Orleans, are sidetracked in the Louisiana bayou and
encounter a monster named Lockjaw who is revered by the locals as a god.  Brooks will play a Navy Seal back from the Middle East; Swan will
play his fiancee, who is abducted to be the creature’s bride. Horror
movie staple Haig will play a man named Chopper. 
Fred M. Andrews wrote the script and is directing.  Production starts this weekend in Baton Rouge.






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I HAVE A THOR THROAT!

Chris Hemsworth delivered in A Perfect Getaway, so he gets to swing Mjolnir at villains. That’s a fair tradeoff. Kenneth Branagh’s Thor is easily the most unique and risky Marvel Comics film (until Jean DeWoff 3-D is greenlit). It could be great and amazing. It could be the nightmares of all the Chernobyl babies digitally projected. Either way I’m thrilled.

Yahoo Movies is worth 99 vermillion dollars so they are the scoopbringers of the first look at Hemsworth (who also played Captain Kirk’s paw, but it’s obvious A Perfect Getaway got him the gig) as the Mighty One.

But if you remember, CHUD had the official Osmosis Jones Message Board.

The full image can be viewed over there, but my take is that it’s fine. He’s a good looking young man and I can’t wait to see him curse in Norse.

Do me a favor, click back here after Yahoo. Don’t want your reputation soiled.






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