Pop quiz.
You’re a mother/father of five. Your favorite radio station just awarded you free passes to a prescreening of Warm Bodies. You bundle up, shove the rugrats into the beater and head out for a night at the movies. Just one problem, you’re a terrible parent whose awful child-rearing has raised five of the loudest, most obnoxious kids ages 3-6 this side of the Garbage Pail lot. Do you:
- A. Quietly and respectfully remove your brood from the theatre as soon as you start getting shushed, or:
- B. Take that shit in stride and shove another handful of buttery popcorn into your wide-set gullet while society babysits.
Those answering A. can leave now. You’re solid peeps. Whatever shortcomings are evident in your brood’s behavior, you at least own it. That’s a start. As for B., who I had the grave misfortune of sitting in front of at last night’s screening (and too many others like it):
Seriously, go fuck yourself.
Let’s not confuse the issue. This is not your children’s fault. Nor is it the responsibilty of other theatregoers to put up with their never-ending babblespeak. Judging from the integrity of the butter stained sweatpants you must have somehow lept into so you could leave your abode, I surmise getting up to go anywhere is a big deal for you. That’s fabulous. Good for you for pealing yourself from Honey Boo Boo, 19 & Counting, or whatever little person exploitation shitshow you like to call “muh stories.” But know that just because you’re gracing the outside world with your presence for a night, the onus is not on the rest of us to babysit the kids you shat out while you hunker down, audibly devouring a hillock of grease in a dark room for two hours.
(Sincerely, Timothy Kelly Esq.)
Social fucking contract, people. It’s those of us adhereing to it that suffer the most. Why do we put up with these monsters, these mongoloids who can’t be bothered to take even the slightest responsibility when out in the real world?
I’m as guilty as anyone else, sliding into my seat, chewing my sleeve as I bear the mp3 version of Tiny Tim Sings the Necronomicon for 120 minutes. But what do I or any of us do? Especially when kids are involved. You can’t yell at the kids, that just makes you the asshole. You can’t yell at the shell of a parent, he/she knows those kids are Black Plague in a theatre and elected to bring them anyway. And god forbid security show some backbone and resolve the situation. Try telling a standing security guard who’s been watching you sit in a cushy seat watching a movie they cannot to do their job. Yeah, they care.
I sat on it. I fed the anger for two hours and on my way out took action.
“Hey lady, great kids movie. Thanks for that.”
“You’re welcome, jackass.”
Last night, when she got home, she likely told someone about the guy in the hoody. The “jackass”. Yeah, well, I suppose I had that coming. Screw the rest of us for being offended that our night out was ruined by your awfulness.
The obnoxious theatergoer, this scourge of the arts, is not an unsolvable epidemic. Alamo Drafthouse’s highly touted no text / no talking policy is a welcome approach. Granted, we sometimes feed our companions occaisional quips at the movies and, usually, it’s a victimless crime. But if the tradeoff is that I can no longer make catty comments about Billy Crystal’s eye lift during Parental Guidance to avoid another ordeal like last night’s then so be it. Because with higher ticket prices the bar still hangs criminally low. Elite prices call for elite theatre crowd control with a zero tolerance policy: a sign reading “This Theatre Bans Assholes on these Premises.”
I can’t wait to take my kids to the movies someday. Film opens up imagination in spirited fashion and a child’s excitement on what he/she encounters onscreen is most often palpable. I also can’t wait to take said kid out of the theatre so they can calm the fuck down when they’re acting rash. Better yet, maybe I’ll be active in their developmental stage and raise kids who know how to behave in a roomful of people.
Because there are other persons who enjoy going to the movies too. And they shouldn’t have to put up with my bullshit.
34 comments
Way too common a problem. I commend you for holding your tongue until you could get this (excellent) editorial down. You are clearly a decent, well-adjusted human being. I, on the other hand, have been known to throw things.
One possible solution. In the UK films like Warm Bodies are rated 15 or 18. Which means noone under that age is allowed in. So no more rugrats.
Same in NZ. It boggles my mind that people would be able to take their littlies to any kind of “zombie” movie. Also, good article. Fuck those people.
Here, here, good sir. First thing I taught my kids, when I started taking them to “big-people movies” at about age 6, was that movies were a group experience…there were other people in the room, sharing the movie with you. The second thing I told them was not to ask questions…if something didn’t make sense, watch the movie…if the film was made properly, it should answer your questions itself. Those two basic rules seemed to have worked for my daughters and made going to shows a lot more enjoyable for them, me, and the fellow audience members. The few times I’ve run into demon-spawn broods, with their slack-jawed, yokel parents, I usually find asking the Manager to shut them up, seems to work fairly well, as management has a vested interest in keeping regular customers happy.
Oh, rule 3, for my kids…you can only chant “man in suit” 3 times, and only the first time that character appears in the show…after all, you still have to have some fun at the movies…
Tim, I like your stuff, and you have a point here. However, I do need to point out that people make the MOST AMAZING PARENTS AND WOULD DO IT SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU… until they have kids and learn what it’s really like.
I’m a parent. I have two girls, ages three and six. And I sure as shit don’t drag them to see adult-oriented zombie movies. Instead, we took them to see Wreck-It Ralph a few weeks back. And, this weekend, my wife and I are going to see Lincoln while the kids go to their grandma’s house. It’s really not that fucking difficult.
The worst part about these kinds of people is that often, the hate they receive for being such inconsiderate douchebags doesn’t faze them one bit. They get yelled at all the time, but their terrible behavior remains, because getting called out on it isn’t enough, they have to suffer REAL consequences, like getting banned from every nearby theater, or losing every last friend they have.
Great work, Tim!!!
This is one of the main reasons why I rarely go to theaters anymore. I can’t justify paying to watch movies under these conditions. Theaters seem to think people need 3-D, 48fps or some other gimmick to get assessment in seats. Theaters and retail chains need to understand that in 2013 they are now exclusively in the SERVICE . It’s all they have to offer now and they’re blind to it.
Asses*
dumb phone!
seconded.
I find going to the cinema puts me in a state of heightened anxiety from the moment i walk in the door to the film starting. It’s just not a fun thing thing to do anymore as the cons far outweigh the pros. I can bet every single reader of this site has their own personal traumatic tale to tell. Oddly enough i tend to go and see films i’m not to bothered about, that way when a fellow patron starts fuckin around i don’t get too upset. The films i really want to see, i just wait a couple of months, get it for my home system and make a night of it.
yea i’ve heard people yell at the obese dumbass that thinks its ok to answer his phone and speak at full volume ignoring the shushing and out right profane reactions from the intelligent movie goers. good on them. they’re supposed to speak up they paid full price to watch/HEAR the movie, not the retard that actually answers his phone DURING the movie. i will say <here in dallas> the staff is spineless and isn’t doing their job by controlling the theater goers from texting/talking full volume <it happens ALOT in dallas theaters>.
I find single moms to be the absolute worst. You know the type. White trash 23 year olds with three obese little gremlins buzzed on sugar that she can’t/ won’t control. I now avoid afternoon screenings like the fucking plague. An 8pm screening means more adults and (usually) fewer gremlins. Hope you found writing this article to be cathartic, Tim.
Going to the movies in generally has been forever ruined by audiences. I’m of the mind that all movie should just instantly be sent to VOD, while also still being in the theater. If it’s a “BIG BLOCKBUSTER” movie, i.e. batman or the avengers or whatever, then sure, I’ll gather my courage to venture out to see it. But the majority of movies I just hate going to see in the theater these days, because I am forever surrounded by jackasses who cant seem to sit for two hours without checking their fucking cell phones repeatedly, causing a huge glare of light; or people blabbering on non-stop.
I saw MAMA last weekend, and this group of tweens came in and sat in the front row and talked literally the entire movie, even with people “Shushing” them. I boiled with rage, but kept quiet, until the very end of the movie, as the tweens were leaving, I stood up and obnoxiously clapped at them while shouting “GOOD JOB TALKING THROUGH THE MOVIE GUYS! GOOD WORK! BRAVO!” I’d like to think (and hope) that I made one of them cry on their drive home (when their mother came to pick them up)
Well done Tim! I was so tempted to just up and leave, but I didn’t want them to win! I stood (or sat) my grounds and got through it. Still cant believe they not only allowed their kid to be loud and obnoxious the entire time, but they even let the little one crawl on the guy’s seat in front of her. She literally scaled it like a skyscraper.
I loathe anytime I have to go to a theater that isn’t the Drafthouse, this doesn’t happen very often but when it does and kids are out of hand I go straight to a manager and it gets settled. I hate missing a part of the movie and being taken out of the moment but in the long run people won’t do anything to change if no one busts them in the act.
Do what I do. Every time my theater going experience is interrupted by someone talking, texting or otherwise behaving disruptively, and the theater doesn’t do anything about it, I ask for a refund. This almost always results in an apology from the theater and a free pass to another film. If enough people did the same thing, the theaters would have to start policing these activities. It is their responsibility to confront disruptive patrons and maintain the proper atmosphere. That’s part of what we are paying for. Make them pay when they don’t, and you’ll see change.
BRAVO! BRA.FUCKING.VO!!! I couldn’t agree with you more. My wife and I used to go to the movies 2-5 times a month, now it’s maybe 5-7 times a year. The reason? Shitty moviegoers. If it’s not irresponsible ass parents, it’s inconsiderate ass tweens/teens or even asshole adults that just don’t get it. ONCE THE MOVIE STARTS TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE MORON!!! People need to be more responsible, I’ve had to check people i was with if they were still using there phones when the trailers start to roll. Once the lights go off, so should your phone. We had a child 3 months ago and flat our REFUSE to bring him to the theater. No one paid $15 to hear a baby cry, I sure didn’t. I wish more people thought like that. Instead, I get to hear 3-4 year olds talking to mom and dad during TED (true story), or crying babies during END OF WATCH (also a true story). What kind of shitty parents do this? I chose to have a kid, knowing that meant we wouldn’t go the movies much for at least the first 6 years of his life. Why do people have kids and think that nothing changes?! Take responsibility for your (and your bad ass kids) actions. STAY HOME!!! Either that or teach them right. My mom took us to the theater all the time, but if any of us talked we were immediately taken out and put in our place. That’s real parenting! And while we’re at it, how about not bringing your small children to R rated violent ass movies anyway! Hooray for the 21 and up theater here!
If it’s a free screening, why weren’t the studio reps taking any responsibility? Why would they allow someone in the theater with kids that has a pass that is normally only for 2 (you and a guest)? What am I missing here?
I have movie passes that were given to me over a year ago that I haven’t used because the theater-going experience is so bad. I used to go to movies quite a bit, last year I went all of 3 times (opening nights, no passes allowed).
I went to see Django Unchained with a few friends a couple of weeks ago and the couple a few rows in front of us apparently thought it was totally appropriate to bring their 2 YOUNG children with them to see the flick.
Right around the moment that a runaway slave was being MAULED TO DEATH BY A DOG, a girl from my group went out and asked the theatre staff if there was anything that could be done. They told her that unfortunately, if they were there with their parents then there was nothing they could do. Because of this I felt like I was forced to sit through 2 hours of child abuse.
I’m always brought back to that scene in PARENTHOOD, when the Keanu Reeves character says something like “You know Mrs Buckman, You need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car, hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”
Unbelievable.
You choosing to shoot your little wagglys into your significant other and reproduce spawn is no excuse for being a douche bag. Kids are kids, and we all accept that, but your children ruining a film for everyone else in the room isn’t acceptable. I don’t a single parent in my social circle dickheaded, selfish, or oblivious enough to do this and not realize it’s unacceptable behavior. It’s like saying that I ate something that didn’t agree with me and got explosive diarrhea, so when I shat all over your living room while visiting your house it’s really wrong for you to complain because by not having diarrhea you have no room to talk.
No seriously, robotpals, go fuck yourself.
The sad fact is that teens still account for the bulk of movie industry revenue. If you’re an adult, the Akira-like amoebic beast that is the multiplex is not for you. Either go to one of the growing number of theaters that cater to adults, or stay home.
I will say I was bowled over recently when watching Argo at the Living Room Theaters here in Portland, OR. It’s definitely a theater for grownups, but this dumb bitch Boomer yapped through the whole fucking thing to her date. Apparently she was slightly deaf, and kept asking questions like a five year-old. Die Boomer Die.
I mean, it’s truly baffling too. When I had my kid for the weekend a while back(way back), I took him to his first movie ever, Cars 2. My son was 3, and he held it together for about 45 minutes. At which point it became time to chew on the chairs, surrounding people, whatever. Apparently his drunken mishaps baby mother didn’t socialize him, I don’t know, I just have two days and holidays to undo stupid without being disrespectful to her for our difference of opinions in front of him, because he doesn’t need or deserve that shit.
Anyway, at this point I pick him up, take him out of the theater, and ask him, “Hey buddy, you’re not in trouble. Do you want to stay and watch the movie, or do you want to go home and play?”
He said,”I want to go home.”
I asked him if he was sure, and if he enjoyed the movie. He said, “YEAH!!!” Boom. Parenting win. I got outta that boring ass sequel in 45 minutes!
I started back into the theater, and he yelled, “NO! I WANNA GO HOME!” I explained we could just leave grandpa up in that bitch, lol!
Fuckin’ ADD kids these days. Boy is even more impatient than his dad!
I’ve had a few unfortunate incidents with bad parents bringing their children to inappropriate films. For example, when I saw “Paul,” parents and small children comprised half of the audience. I was a little astounded by their complete apathy to the film’s vulgararity exposed to their children.
*vulgarity
i remember also i saw Avengers to a sold out midnight show and this DUMBASS dork would groan really REALLY loudly whenever Scarlett was on screen, esp. when shed turn around. Well this was annoying enough but this giant pissed off dude behind him was shouting at him to shut up <i do mean shouting at him> when the horny dork wouldnt stop with the commentary <he was alone> the big dude KICKED the back of the dorks chair, HARD the dork got knocked forward violently. I clapped loudly <i was about 10 seats to the left>. Neither of them made a peep the rest of the movie.
You’ll have to excuse my ignorance but can any Americans tell me why adults are allowed to take kids into movies they’re not old enough for? Here in the UK we have PG, 12, 15 and 18 certificates. If you aint old enough, you aint gettin in, that’s that!
Doesn’t solve every problem of course, but i’ve never experienced an 18 certificate film with kids in the theatre!
We also have adult only screenings, to keep the wretched rug rats away. Been on a 9 hour transatlantic flight with recently with a screaming baby for company? Don’t get me started.
“shove another handful of buttery popcorn into your wide-set gullet”
“the integrity of the butter stained sweatpants”
“you hunker down, audibly devouring a hillock of grease”
Is this about kids in the theatre, or the fact that you hate people who eat popcorn? WTF?
Seriously, loud kids at inappropriate movies is a long-standing problem that isn’t gonna be solved anytime soon. Do you really think the theatre that’s happy to charge you $7 for a Coke is going to turn away a paying customer? Not gonna happen. It’s up to us to shame these people.
clap…clap…clap clap clap clapclapclapittyclappityclappity….
….I don’t like listenning to people eat either. :{ Uuuuuunnngh…
My last 2 theatre going experiances sucked,and I love going to the movies and watching films on the big screen,But these f’n teen’s that become comedians as soon as the movie starts,People that find it the right time too do all their texting,babies.5 year olds brought too Django by their parents I’m tired of it.
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