If you’ve come here looking for news of a Sanford & Son movie starring Demi Moore as the put-upon daughter of an old, crotchety junk dealer, you’ve come here for disappointment. Though we all know she’d be a natural Lamont to John Witherspoon’s Sanford, the rebuilt Bride of Kutcher will have nothing to do with this tragically nonexistent big screen update of the greatest sitcom in the history of television.

I think I just pulled something.

In any event, here’s what the star of Charles Band’s Parasite is up to: indie flicks. The most promising of her recently booked projects is Happy Tears, a family drama from Teeth auteur Mitchell Lichtenstein in which Moore will play a Wisconsin-bound woman forced to tend to the needs of her “hateful”, dementia-suffering father. When her ego-trippin’ sister (Parker Posey) shows up to “deal” with the situation, sparks fly and would-be Oscar clips pile up. I’m very sure I just saw a variation on this shopworn plot last year.

Moore’s other feature is Guy Moshe’s Bunraku, a revenge-tale collision of “puppets, origami, comic books, video games and German expressionism” starring Josh Hartnett and Woody Harrelson. I enjoyed this character summary from The Hollywood Reporter:

“Moore plays the enslaved concubine of a warlord who is forced to marry her captor. Harrelson plays a bartender.”

Both films are scheduled to shoot this year (Happy Tears first, Bunraku second). In the meantime, someone should seriously get cracking on that Sanford and Son movie. Its time has arrived.