This is a soumate of Gentleman Broncos in that both are made by filmmakers who really haven’t made a good movie yet (Donnie Darko, great if you were 18 when it came out and felt like a part of the sensation, balls once you’re 19 or any other age).

Both feature actors and actresses in roles.

I know it’s hard to believe that a film starring the powerhouse trio of Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, and half of Frank Langella’s face isn’t the best thing in the world but it isn’t the best thing in the world.

It’s a mess. It’s a weird, inert mess that I wanted to end as soon as possible. Because, though the concept is fine [girl meets box, box pays girl, person dies, Frank Langella’s face is partial, repeat] the film never rises above being an odd curiosity. Yes, it is vintage. It’s a period film because it can be. Yes, Frank Langella is very creepy when you can see his chewing sections. It’s just a oddity that never rises above that and when it makes its big reveals you simply don’t give a fuck about any of these people with full faces.

That said, there is a terrific subplot about Cameron Diaz’s character having a ruined foot.

Cut from the film: A considerable percentage of Frank Langella’s grin. A grievous amount of Diaz toes.

Performance of Hate: Sam Oz Stone plays the young son of James Marsden and Cameron Diaz. He doesn’t do anything wrong, but his name is Sam Oz Stone and that terrifies me.

Would it help if the main character was gay: No, but it would add a layer of mystery. “Why would this man use NASA dollars to construct a fake foot for a woman he isn’t even delivering the cyclops to?”.

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “If you felt Frost/Nixon had too much face, this is your movie.”

This movie is like an alien abduction.

I experienced it. Don’t remember a thing. My ass hurts.

It’s about immigration. It’s boring as a night on the town with James Keach. It’s a baffling thing to have come from Wayne Kramer who rocked ass with The Cooler and Running Scared.

It’s a nonfilm. I paid to see it. My eyes were open and my brain translated those images into information that created a vivid understanding of what those images meant. Then my brain finished with the film and made me crave a sandwich and never returned to those images again. Why did this film make me lose time? Surely Ray Liotta and Harrison Ford sharing screen time should carry some weight. If this were 1992 I’d have started a Liotta/Ford t-shirt line. Imagine a Guy Martin mash-up of the posters for No Escape and The Frisco Kid.

Ashley Judd… well, she’s sixteen shades of boring. Jim Sturgess… an excitement vacuum. But still. Wayne Kramer!

Deep in my flesh there’s a beacon bleeping from where this film tracks my progress. It knows I saw it. It may one day choose me again for its moments in the void. Until then I walk the Earth with the transaction proving I saw this film and nothing else.

Cut from the film: You’re asking the wrong guy.

Performance of Hate: Who am I?

Would it help if the main character was gay: I have no clue.

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “This must be what dying feels like.”

Hugh Jackman is dreadful now. Have you noticed?

His Wolverine act is on cruise control, and the speed is clocked by radar at unimpressive mph. He squints and glowers and grunts and waves his little fistblades around like we remember from those X-films. He still looks the part and his chest is both appropriately hairy and packed with rippling muscles that tell you he has a fabulous trainer.

But I’m sick of the man. Sorry. He’s talented and he’s a hit with the ladies and men with his show tunes and dancing and prancing and there’s the rippling muscles and hair and stuff. Congrats to Hugh for being a hardbody that’d make Stephen Geoffreys return to his side gig for a few drops.

But this origin story is not unlike when kids gather their action figures and come up with a play session that incorporates all of them, logic be damned.

When we’d play with my toys I didn’t need to explain why Iron Man was almost twice the height of Zartan, I just needed to make sure that he defeated him before he was able to scramble up the discarded Christmas tree in my backyard before he could enact his master plan.

This movie feels like a Comic Con panel come to life as dreamed up by a mishmash of less-than-reliable conventioneers.

Wolverine All-Star Assault Team! Betrayal! Girlfriend dies, but not really! Manipulation! Mad! All Star Bad Guy Team! Let’s make Deadpool Dural from Virtua Fighter! Betrayal! Love Boom! Hey, isn’t that John Huston’s boy? Scratch! Yay, survival!

It’s just not good. But Liev Schreiber is amazing. As usual. Someone give that man his own franchise.

Cut from the film: Issues 1-6 of Kitty Pryde & Wolverine, where they battle Ogun the evil demon ninja.

Performance of Hate: Jackman. I really found him absolutely generic here. I mean, I didn’t crave Dougray Scott or anything but a part of me wishes Gerard Butler was in the neighborhood.

Would it help if the main character was gay: If? IF?

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “If you knew all Wolverine wanted to do was be a lumberjack you probably would have saved hundreds on comic books, huh.”

This is some piss poor outer space shit.

Originally billed as some sort of amazing soulmate to the flawed but solid Event Horizon [which, if filmed from its original script would be beloved], this film ended up being the amazing soulmate of the rogue asteroid that will eventually smash Earth away and kill every descendant of you and I with extreme prejudice.

I don’t know what it is that bothers me the most. Yes I do, it’s the villains. They’re like a mixture of the boring undergrounders from the massively overrated The Descent coupled with the not-really-vampires from I Am Legend and given martial arts skills. There is way too many outer space fistfights in Pandorum. If there were one it’d be too many. These asshole space monsters that used to be people suck so much dry ass it hurts, but they can jump really far and do lots of fighting in jerkily cut action sequences, so they must be great.

They are not great. They are horrible. If this film had some sort of cool beastthen it’d be almost acceptable to tolerate the absolutely wretched performance from Dennis Quaid, and actor who did Far From Heaven less than a decade ago. What happened in 2009 to the man’s chops? This AND G.I. Joe? Even the almost always interesting Ben Foster does nothing to make it work.

It’s just a dark mess with no sense of geography in its action. I hate Pandorum.

Cut from the film: The footage tying this to its prequel, the Matt Dillon sci-fi actioner Factotum.

Performance of Hate: Cam Gigandet AND Norman Reedus are in this film. It’s as if the casting director said ‘How do I fuck with Nick Nunziata?”.

Would it help if the main character was gay: No.

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “I’d blow Stockard Channing to unmake this movie.”

Michael Mann is in my top three filmmakers working. Even though he often comes just shy of the mark in his work to be considered a legendary filmmaker. Just shy.

Except here, where he fell way shy. This is a crime movie directed by the man who made Heat and Collateral. With Johnny Depp at the peak of his power. With Christian Bale at the peak of his. With Stephen Lang being all sorts of amazing. It should be a slam dunk. It was my most anticipated film of 2009 by far.

It’s ok. It had no right being ok. It had no right being just good.

The digital look ruins it. There’s no energy or heart. It doesn’t have the visceral punch that Michael Mann’s films ooze with. There’s none of the grit that great gangster films run rampant with. No one’s having fun, and Johnny Depp has a role in John Dillinger where he could have unspooled every one of his considerable charms.

I blame Tim Burton. Actually, I blame Michael Mann.

I own this on blu-ray as delivery on a promise. Because I feel I must. That is just plain wrong.

Cut from the film: Film.

Performance of Hate: Bale, whom I love. He is given one dimension and he plays it well. But it’s one dimension of character so screw me.

Would it help if the main character was gay: Yes, because then he wouldn’t be like many Mann protagonists and get jacked in the head and make bad decisions about some dame. He’d get jacked in the head and make bad decisions about some dude. So, no.

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “This was the best film of 2009. In my head. Until I saw it.”

Message Board Discussion.

Last Year’s List.

Stuff like The Razzies is entertaining enough for the people who don’t know much about movies. The folks who are content to pile up on the Gigli‘s of the world. I personally hate The Razzies.
Most of the movies that make those kind of lists are ones most human
being should know better than to see, or are projects that fail big by
big people. Because nothing is more interesting than seeing someone
fail on a huge scale. The stuff that should comprise anyone’s ‘worst’
list ought to be films that had no reason sucking. Stuff featuring
actors, directed by directors, and written by writers. Though most of
these films would probably be good candidates for a ‘worst of’ list,
they won’t be on my list. Why?

I love myself, so I did not see the following movies:

• New Moon – It would be hypocrisy to actually SEE these movies I’ve been hating on.
• G-Force – Animated guinea pigs.
• Paul Blart: Mall Cop – Kevin James is the star of this theatrical film.
• Couples Retreat – The trailer was a nightmare and I like too many of the involved parties to soil my love of them. Plus, Kristen Bell needs to not be in front of my eyes.
• Bride Wars – Maybe the worst trailer of the year. And by the way, nobody’s wedding is that exciting, let alone these dames.
• Old Dogs – Remember when I said Bride Wars had the worst trailer?
• Surrogates – Starting to think that the 80’s and early 90’s were a fluke for Mr. Willis. I heard a Rumer.
• My Life in Ruins – Greek Greek Greek Greek. We know your stupid heritage. Move on, fattie!
• Shorts – Robert Rodriguez is a nightmare that owns a movie studio.
• Whiteout – Surprisingly, I don’t feel the need to see movies whose star is Kate Beckinsale. To drive to a theater and actually muster the energy to go inside to willingly see a movie filled with two hours of her is too much a burden for me.
• The Boondock Saints II – I made the mistake of seeing the first one. Piles of shit don’t improve if you add another pile on top.
• Saw VI – I saw Saw and instantly realized that I never needed to seesaw again.
• Imagine That – I didn’t see Bedtime Stories either.
• Fighting – It’s no Grizzly Park.
• Fame – I’m NOT going to live forever so I did myself a favor.
• The Fourth Kind – There is no way on Earth Milla Jovovich is going to be in TWO good movies in one calendar year.
• It’s Complicated – I gave my wife a son this year. That’s enough.
• Tyler Perry’s… – Because Tyler Perry makes me want to be a better racist.
• Year One – Surprisingly, I have no allegiance to Jack Black, Harold Ramis, or Michael Cera strong enough to get me to see this.

So, without further ado…

The first two films in this series were quite good, with the second one being a film I still enjoy the grisly merits of. The third film is the worst in the series but this one tries damn hard to compete for the title.

David Ellis is a good director. He deserves better and so do we. Then again, there’s not a moment I was watching this movie and felt that David Ellis was trying to do anything other than pay his rent. The kills are not interesting. The effects are the worst in the series. The characters are the least interesting in the series.

How does that happen?

I never thought I’d say the absence of Tony Todd in a movie was a bad thing, but…

Cut from the film: Special effects not designed in Deluxe Paint II for the Commodore Amiga.

Performance of Hate: Performance? Bobby Campo is the second coming of Thomas Ian Nichols. Translated from Greek Bobby Campo means ‘Bobby Why Did It Happen?’.

Would it help if the main character was gay: He’s not? But he made love to my buttock!

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “Not as bad as Jesus returning to kick your face, but it tries.”

Any of the goodwill Marcus Dunstan earned with Feast (which honestly isn’t all that much) went away when he joined the vomiting harlequin of a franchise know as Saw. That his contributions didn’t kill the series taints him. That his contributions didn’t elevate the series taints him.

But I bet he bought a shiny car.

This film is his deliverance of a new amazing breed of horror. A story of a dumb killer in a dumb mask who kills people and collects one and leaves their shit in a box for no reason. Then he kills more people and I yawn and scratch my panties.

It’s an original horror concept in the same way that a cheese sandwich is a culinary worldbeater.

Our ‘hero’ is a petty thief who is breaking into a home to procure the goods so he can afford to protect his family, who is doomed if he doesn’t come up with the scratch. So basically he’s a deadbeat fuck loser who deserves to get caught in a house booby-trapped in dumb ways by a Hispanic man in a leather mask.

The gore is dumb. The traps are dumb… in fact any horror movies using traps in general are dumb. Everything about this film makes me want to put bear traps in the production offices for Saw.

Cut from the film: Good things.

Performance of Hate: Josh Stewart is the star of this film and he brings the most soulless work of the year to a performance that hinges on you feeling for his character’s decision to resort to a life of crime to save his family. Watching this film you want his little girl to be sold into the rough trade, because a life of deep probing from strangers is more heartwarming than this man as your legal guardian.

Would it help if the main character was gay: Yes, because his bloodline would end with him.

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “You will feel like you were collected by rape arson terrorists.”

There should be more checks and balances when it comes to releasing computer animated films. Having the ability to do anything with such massively creative tools should require creativity. To take a one-note concept and ride that one note for the duration of a film is foolhardy. When the best character in the film is a robot who not only wishes it were in Wall-E but actually feels like a minor character from that film, something has gone horribly wrong.

This is just a lame, lame movie. It’s a kid’s movie and oftentimes people give it a pass because it shuts their offspring up for two hour bursts of time but that’s not enough. There are too many example of movies that do that and manage to entertain, inform, inspire, and not insult the intelligence of the people watching whether they be parent, kid, or Casper Van Dien.

You know when you’re at the store and they have a musical keyboard on the shelf and there’s a demo button and it plays a tune to showcase what you can possibly do with the machine? This is the film version. Someone hit ‘Demo’ on a CGI kid’s film and this played out. Problem is, someone was supposed to customize it.

Cut from the film: Anything more than a cursory attempt to showcase what it’s like to be the stranger in a strange land.

Performance of Hate: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has massive amounts of charisma. But not as a CGI astronaut.

Would it help if the main character was gay: Planet 69?

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “Monsters vs. Aliens blew this out of the water. And Monsters vs. Aliens has the blowing power of Mason Verger.”

Napoleon Dynamite was a nightmare. A perfect film to cull the people out whom I needed to know existed so I could not be friends with them. If only they had ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirts in Vietnam. Would have been so much easier knowing who to shoot.

Gentleman Broncos, despite the presence of the creative team of the film that unleashed the forever open mouth of Jon Heder on Earth, had promise. Sam Rockwell and Jermaine Clement in a cast is a good start. The fact that a fictional story involving Yeast Lords features prominently is a good sign. The presence of many oddball possibilities helps. And there are so many opportunities for great things.

But it’s another nightmare. One that I envision some people liking because it’s quirky and they feel a need to graft to something like this. Those people also wear porkpie hats and have creative facial hair in lieu of an identity. I wish they were in in Vietnam too, and not the awesome Vietnam of now where Top Gear goes and falls in love with the culture. The Vietnam where Ron Kovic stopped being a running man.

It tries so hard to be weird and random that it ends up being just plain useless.

And sorry, Mike White does absolutely NOTHING for me.

Cut from the film: Audiences. Did you see the box office receipts? Leo Grillo is pointing and laughing.

Performance of Hate: Surprisingly, Jennifer Coolidge. She’s very good at what she does but she’s crossed this weird line where her smart self-parody stuff just becomes sad. This is a gifted comedic talent on autopilot.

Would it help if the main character was gay: Nope.

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “Nacho Libre is this guy’s best film. Think about that a minute…”

Supercolliders, Vatican Secrets, and Pope Creation oh my!

I don’t care how benign the world of Dan Brown is. His name is Dan Brown. His name is Brown Paper Bag. It features some of Hollywood’s great A-Listers. I don’t care how important it is to balance your commerce projects with your creative projects, I am stunned when Ron Howard, Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, and ARMIN MUELLER-STAHL* cannot deliver something that is at least a good mind of mindless entertainment.

Heck, it features Grizzly Park‘s (Buy every copy of the film Pauline Kaul died too early to pan) Rance Howard as a priest. How do you mess this up?

The plot involves clandestine meetings, secret organizations of robed men, and secrecy involving Jesus-y things. Tom Hanks has better hair but it’s not great enough to make me care.

I wish they’d kept the original title. Borings & Blandings.

Cut from the film: Where the Vatican realizes it’s a silly institution.

Performance of Hate: Stellan Skarsgård, who’s actually good in this. But his character dies in a plot twist and I wanted you to know.

Would it help if the main character was gay: No, because the whole film would have been Robert Langdon playing Eurythmics records while hopping on and off Ewan McGregor’s sweet and massive pink lightsaber.

If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “The Used Cars of Vatican Conspiracy movies.”

Next: The Five Movies That Actually SHOULD have been great…

* You must sing his name, not say it.

“Up from from the depths, 30 stories high
breathing fire, his head in the sky…

ARMIN MUELLER-STAHL!
ARMIN MUELLER-STAHL!
ARMIN MUELLER-STAHL!


… and Stahlzookie!”