Holy shit, CGI has changed the way we
look at the world around us. Back in the 70’s if you were waiting for
the movie to start and the bucket of popcorn grew eyes and started
dancing around the counter top assisted by a reanimated bag of Skittles
you’d puke in your hat and call a ventriloquist, a priest, and a burly
cop six weeks from retirement to come deal with it. Now we can’t flip
through the channels without seeing a seemingly living 2,000 foot robot
whipping up a lather in his 17,000 foot shower or a muffin writhing out
of some bitch’s grasp as she does a walk-and-talk about menopause being a
real pisser. Superman
made us believe a man could fly but it wasn’t until The Revenge of the Sith
that we could believe that Christopher Lee had both Jedi Powers and
Phase-Shift Parkinsons.
CGI is an amazing tool that many
filmmakers wield like a digital Mjolnir,
creating worlds and creatures that take our breath away. Unfortunately
through the years some have used it as a scythe, slashing our dreams and
severing that muscle that connects our sexual pleasure organs to the
muscle that tells our mind we’re really good at using our sexual
pleasure organs. The result is oblivion.
So with that we bring you CHUD’s
latest glorious list. The twenty worst instances of CGI in movie
history. In no order. Well, except the order we decide to do them.
Brought to you by Nick Nunziata
THE OFFENDER:
Star Wars: A New Hope: SE
Fat fuck.
THE
SCENE: The infamous “Jabba’s a fucked up Irishman but we cut him out and down the line I found a way to use the character in a later film and it makes my universe seem really well planned out even though it isn’t and now I’m old and can’t stop revisiting my triumphs so let me use old footage that doesn’t apply just to make my universe seemed really planned out even though it isn’t and to allow me additional revenue possibilities for my Boba Fett character that was totally perfect with his seven minutes of screentime and make him a really nice half-dimensional major character in the saga even though he isn’t and while I’m at it let me use CGI to awkwardly tell my story even though there are zero people in the world who don’t already know this information and by golly I can also build on that amazing idea of Greedo shooting first so that a parent in Provo doesn’t get offended by Allie Fox proactively killing an evil alien even though he shot a dude with a sword from far away in that other franchise we did and you know what aliens are some so if I ever get around to making another film in that other series way after the actor’s old enough to pull it off I should change the aliens to beings that travel interdimensionally because aliens are cheesy, and where is that mask of baby Greedo I had commissioned” scene.
WHERE IT
ALL GOES WRONG: Sometime in the late 80’s or early 90’s when George Lucas forgot about his vision of being an artist.
HOW IT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE PRACTICALLY: Newsflash – The Jabba in Return of the Jedi wasn’t CGI. Or a dude who got caught up in the soaps and eventually had to be cut out of his house. He’s a big puppet, and one who Jeff Healey [RIP: Pulling out necks in Heaven with Pat Swayze] could see was fake. I’m not an apologist. Jabba in 1983 looked like rubber asshole. And it was fine. Star Wars and its sequels were a product of a different era. It’s dangerous to tinker, a lesson that’s been learned with nearly every special edition ever made. How it could have been done practically? A new insert scene where the Irish dude watches Falcon fly off and does some space drug whose side effects include nausea and becoming a thousand pounds of swampy trouble. Solved.
You want the definition of a lose/lose proposition. This:
HOW BAD
IS IT? In the original, Han Solo walks behind the Irishman [Lucas has since stated he always planned to replace the dude with a stop-motion creature, which is almost surely dogshit], because that’s what you sometimes have to do with Irishmen. In the special edition, he steps on Jabba’s tail and hurts his feelings. The CGI is rather abysmal and jarring in most of the scenes in the Special Editions, from things that take the “lived in” look and shit it out the window to blatant changes to cantina creatures [unforgivable]. This is the worst. It’s a businessman in a filmmaker’s plaid shirt looking down his nose at his fans and coughing a big fat glob of phlegm on their eyes.
IN
SUMMATION: Your childhood sat on Uncle George’s lap. Then his face. Then his dick.
44 comments
Looking back, I really can't believe they went forward with the tail-steping (amongst other things). Man, what were they thinking?
There's a mistake here – the video you show at the end of the article is the re-rendered, "corrected" version of the CGI Jabba that was put into the 2004 DVDs. The CGI Jabba used in the 1997 SE theatrical release (and subsequent VHS release) was a very different model, and much worse.
The shadows and animations were even altered for Jabba in his 2004 incarnation.
Agreed. This could easily be some of the worst CGI in any movie. EVER. This makes the scorpion king look like an oscar winner for best special effects.
suprised this review didn't make it on day one.
Jabba scene aside; I think the SE's improved some of the original SW. Such as having Mos Eisley look like a spaceport rather than just a few huts in the sand.
But I do agree with you that in the end Lucas has ruined SW with taking a simple story that worked with adults and kids alike and turned it into a absolute mess. Not to mention insulting his audience with stupid slap-stick/fart jokes and racist aliens like Jar-Jar.
fuck you Lucas
You should point out that the youtube clip you posted is from the DVD release a few years back. Although still shitty, they improved the CGI Jabba on the DVD releases. The screenshot at the beginning of this article is from the 1997 version of the special editions. The 1997 CGI Jabba version is quite possibly the shittiest of all shitty CGI in shitty CGI history.
Why does Lucas hate us?
No mention of the cg Jabba "do-over" between the original SE and the dvd version? Both suck, but the first (the one in your banner) looks like a graphic design school project.
Here is a link to the original 1997 crappy scene…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eCg0rGfH-w
I would be happy if the blu ray once again upgrades the CGI, and edits the scene so that there is a cut away when he walks behind Jabba.
Stepping on the tail and Greedo shooting first are my only complaints about the SE.
Then again, I remember that this whole list is bullshit because day 5 was a practical and forced perspective effects shot from 300 that was accused of being a Computer Generated Image, fuck that shit.
Showing the later Jabba proves the point that it will never beat a shitty rubber puppet and prevents any idiotic argument that the later editions "fixed" anything. But Nick, you should link all versions.
wait wait, where did this "irishman" footage come from? i've seen some deleted scenes taht weren't included in either of the SE's on that VHS tape From Star Wars to Jedi, was this on it and i forgot?
I love that the boom mike was never taken out for either version.
Why has the entire Spawn movie not been brought up yet?
That first paragraph is a perfect summation of why I refuse to watch Star Wars these days, bravo Nick.
Also, fuck you, George. Fuck you to hell and back.
To tell you the truth, I don´t think the tail-stepping looks that bad. It actually looks pretty real when Han steps down. Was it necessary, tho? Well…no.
And what's up with Chewy in the background behind Jabba, then entering from the left again?
This scene was pretty pointless and should have stayed on the cutting room floor. This and the "Greedo Shoots First" change were terrible, but I was okay with the rest of the SE alterations. That beings said, the "Jabba" scene is still miles better than other CGI clusterfucks. I just hope that some of the REALLY bad cinematic CGI ends up on this list.
I Love George Lucas.
Good one.
"It's a businessman in a filmmaker's plaid shirt looking down his nose at his fans and coughing a big fat glob of phlegm on their eyes."
Your words are poetry Nick.
agree with #14.. how bout Burton's 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.. if theres one way to suck the life out of a kids movie, shitty lighting and lame cgi..
Nick, love the site but is it possible you could be less of a try hard? It makes reading your stuff really off putting sometimes.
"a fucked up Irishman" "to replace the dude with a stop-motion creature… because that's what you sometimes have to do with Irishmen.
Someone's got a chip on their shoulder.
How are you guys OK with some of the other changes? JEDI has the worst changes, the new version of that Lapti Nek song in Jabba's palace, and Hayden Christensen in there at the end. I mean I can understand sticking up for the revamped Mos Eisley for cleaned up matte lines but KEEEYRIST!
Does Devin know these clips ave been posted on here? Do you have Lucas's permission? This is technically bootlegging.
More than anything, this scene ruined Jabba for me. He talks down to him and steps on his tail and Jabba lets him walk away? Seriously?
I don't think it's so bad. There was no other way to use the old footage, and everyone got to see a new scene with Harrison Ford. I'm guessing they tried a million ways to have Harrison Ford somehow walk in front of Jabba but it looked stupid, given where he is looking and pointing. For AotC Lucas deserves to be gutted and dragged through the streets, sure… But I think you're overreacting Nick.
I agree that the Greedo addition was horrible! I like the Jabba one though and for the record, I like penis.
Just remember to include the Sarlacc "Audrey II" cgi in this list. I thought that fucker would sing.
I can hear Lucas blaming Harrison for his 'actor' choice to ham it up and upstage the scene by walking around the Irishman – thereby ruining his future dreams of CGI.
You know, I never spent too much time complaining about the CG in this scene, I always considered it beyond wretched, but what always hung me up, is the fact that we see Jabba slithering around quite easily infact, yet by the time we get to ROTJ he's immobile, never moving from his platform. I always wondered, what the hell happened to him in that short span of time. Did he stress over the Solo situation and compensate by overeating? To the point that he became an invalid? Or has he just chosen to not slither around unless deemed absolutely necessary?
I <3 this Chud List! Keep 'em coming.
No CGI in the world can dress up the fact that this scene is worthless, with bad acting and no tension of any kind. Harrison is at his least convincing here. It was cut with good reason, and should have stayed cut.
Years ago I read an interview with the guy who did the CGI Jabba for the first special edition. Apparently they had a better model, but Lucas insisted that Jabba shouldn't be as fat as in ROTJ, because he was younger. Only to 'fix' that mistake for the 2004 SE…
Of course the whole scene is pointless, because it simply repeats the information given in the Han-Greedo scene.
Maybe once Mr.Lucas passes on to a better place, a place where he is king of the Wookies and his throne is a throne made up of CGI marshmallows, his children will inherit his empire. And they, in their infinite wisdom, will rerelease the ORIGINAL trilogy in its ORIGINAL form. The trilogy will be released in whatever cutting edge home viewing technology happens to be sweeping the nation at that very moment. Then all of the self hating shut-ins who beleive they are in actuality Han Solo can harp in the CHUD forums how they might have misjudged the late 90's version of the trilogy. And how Lucas was a misunderstood genius on the level of Phil Spector.
Apart from anything else, this scene fucks up the tension of the whole Mos Eisley sequence. Everything comes to halt. It was enough that they mentioned Jabba in Star Wars and Empire. And that final line 'you're a wonderful human being' just makes NO SENSE if it is spoken to a huge slug. NO SENSE AT ALL.
Regardless of the quality of CGI. The scene is redundant. I much prefer hearing about him in the first 2 movies and then finally seeing him in the third.
I thought you'd use all three variations which had the nineties re-cut with worse CGI, and a skipping Han when he steps on his tail. The han character jumps looking like a paused video, and then with the re-re-cut, Han steps on Jabba's tail, Jabba now looks much different and much more like a giant turd.
CHUD SUPPORTS STEALING MOVIES, THEY ARE SHOWING BOOTLEGGED VIDEOS.
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS DEVIN!
@#34: As with a lot of the production of Star Wars, what's the bet Ford knew exactly what he was doing and "threw" the scene as he did with the Bladrunner Voice Over, knowing it was redundant. Guinness was changing dialogue and intent all over the place as well. Daniels shaping his physical performance so he couldn't be re-dubbed as a "used car salesman from New Jersey". Wonder how many times the Prequel cast had the balls/tits/acuity to do that.
"the guy who did the CGI Jabba for the first special edition…"
Steve Williams. Stop motion animation background, and it fucking shows. The mesh might be better looking on the DVD release, but the thing moves like shit, whereas Williams got some weight into the permormance in the theatrical release. Still unneccessary as hell…
Hey dumbasses in #26 and #41, using those clips isn't bootlegging. They're using short clips for criticism and fall under Fair Use. Bootlegging would be if he showed the entire movie. However, I retract my comments if you're making a dig at Devin's anti-piracy stance.
Nice "Mosquito Coast" reference though.
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